restoration

WARNING - THIS IS A RANT. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FEEL-GOOD READ, TODAY IS NOT THE DAY.

this side of the hump, i find something unexpected. i am restless, weary of this place.

Jesus is all about restoration. that's why He came, right? to restore us to the Father, to give sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, life to the dead - to set the captives free, to bind up the broken-hearted and proclaim freedom for the prisoners?

i want my life back. not my job, not my husband, not my house. not any of the things that i've lost over the years. i want so much more than that. i want LIFE, restored and renewed and grounded in HIM.

i am restless beyond anything i've experienced before. i can't sleep. i can't stop praying. i can't stop reading about Him. i long to be saturated in Love.

i long for restoration.

over 5 years ago, i had my life ripped away from me. everything i knew - gone. it's been a roller-coaster ride since then - as if life with my ex wasn't hard enough. 13 years of utter misery, and now 5+ years of... what? there is nothing in my life that is stable and sure... precious little to offer me security and a sense of belonging. no wonder it's too easy to misplace our passion for the Lord - to settle for a substitute... i am restless and yearning, and all that i am surrounded with tells me that this desire will be fulfilled by a home, a family, my place in the world where i am safe and wanted - needed, even.

i long for a home that doesn't belong to a relative or a management agency. i long to cut the grass. i long to finally figure out how to nurture a flowerbed into something beautiful. i long to walk in the door, knowing that i am home, surrounded by familiar scents, belongings, people whom i love, and love me.

josh has been teaching out of revelation 3, specifically the letter to the church in laodicea. it's a stern warning to a people who have compromised themselves to the point where there is nothing left of their lives to distinguish them from the world... followed immediately by an invitation of restoration to intimate relationship. yes, exactly.

i know the "correct" answer is Jesus:

Jesus be my portion
Jesus be my King
Lover of souls I am giving You all I have
Because I know all that I need
I will find at Your feet
--jason morant

why does that feel so... stifling? insufficient? so much like settling? "i am giving You all that i have" contrasted with "Jesus, be my portion"? how does that work? "here, You take all of me, and i'll settle for whatever crumbs You decide to throw my way?" is that supposed to make me feel loved and longed for and passionately pursued? well, it doesn't. God, i hate that song.

"portion" doesn't come close to describing my longing for Him. for restoration. for my life to have some semblance of normalcy and purpose. and since i'm on a rant anyway, what is normal? somebody, please tell me, because i don't have a clue. i don't have a dad. i don't have a home. i don't have a close family. i don't have 2.5 kids and a house on the corner lot. yes, i know the sunday school answer to these statements - ann, you need to be grateful for what you do have. you have a heavenly Father. your mother has graciously opened her home to you. you have a sister that you could pursue more purposefully. you know the Lord has promised you children, and by default, a husband to father said children. you will eventually have a home of your own. blah, blah, BLAH.

i know these things. i know things can be much worse. i know they may get much worse. but my heart is bucking and kicking like crazy, and since He gave me this heart, i'm going with He understands this restlessness and isn't going to strike me down for owning up to it.

here's my take on what happened 5 years ago. my husband was seduced away from me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's also the most devastating thing that's happened to me, in regards to picking up the pieces and moving forward. i did all the right things during the divorce. he never even needed an attorney. i divorced him quietly, taking the dog and a few pieces of furniture that belong to my family. i could have chosen to make his life a living hell. i could have chosen to take him to court for abandonment and adultery... never mind the drugs i found in the house. i could have done a lot of things that, frankly, my friends and family thought i was insane for NOT doing. i chose to walk away. i chose to be the better person. i chose to be a person of character and integrity - to take the high road, instead of battling it out in the courts. and what do i get for my efforts? oh, let's see. let's start with identity theft by his adulterous lover. anyone ever hear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy? how about losing my home and my other dog? how about losing what i thought was my family - including all the children that, to this day, still call me "aunt ann" even though i haven't seen them in years? how about giving up an embryo - my child - choosing to do a blind donation to an infertile couple instead of keeping it frozen beyond a reasonable "shelf-life"? how about losing my boat? my credit? my... whatever. no wonder i can't listen to country music anymore...

i thought, at the time, even as angry as i was with God, that He would be honored by my heart for Him, by my efforts to "do the right thing." i refused to compromise myself and my integrity to appease the world... is it so much to ask for the intimacy, the restoration that immediately follows the rebuke in the letter to laodicea? oh, He definitely made good on the promise in the spiritual realm. it's been an amazing journey. but what about my life in this world?

some jackass said that faith requires more faith. no shit. what do you do, pray tell, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, ignoring the splinters and blood in your desperate search for more? i'm feeling very fickle at the moment. i wrote a friend the other night that God's love for us is madness, and that i am madly in love with Him. i don't know how to sustain that state of my heart. i don't know what to do with this bucking, wild, restless love that is crying out for release.