unexpected

so much for me trying to get my sleep schedule back to anything resembling "normal"... with the addition of the music player to this blog, i've been searching through all my old music to find songs that mean something to me so that i can share them with you. this morning, i was up past 4 am looking for one particular song. the name was eluding me, and that was driving me nuts... so, stubborn one that i am, i dug out some old cd's that i burned almost 5 years ago, to the day - i burned them right around the time my divorce was finalized.

i have never listened to them.

i know that's strange - but i knew when i burned them that my intent was not to listen to them, but rather to capture a season of my life so as not to lose it. i wanted to capture all of the emotion, pain, fear and loneliness of that time, even as i wanted a place where the good memories could remain, intact and unforgotten. the cd's are entitled, "heartbreak 1" and "heartbreak 2". going through them tonight, it's amazing how beautifully they reflect the end of a relationship, the end of that part of my life, and how they even manage to allow some of the good times to bring a smile to my face. even as my heart tugged, there were very few tears... i only actually cried when enya's "intro to watermark" came on - how random is that??? out of 40 songs ranging from clint black and keith whitley (yes, country - what else fits so well in this situation?), the calling to stp, rem to system of a down, godsmack to son volt, bad company to nirvana, alice in chains to pavarotti... the songs manage to capture all of the emotions, and, in some very strange way, to validate them. the pain was real, and even with the passing of time and the fading of those memories, it's strange to realize that i need those emotions to be valid and real.

huh. i never realized that i needed that until just now.

the lack of tears was unexpected and somehow reassuring. to find that i have reached a point where i can look back and smile, remember, and KNOW that part of my heart is healed... that's priceless. it was quite an experience to listen to the music, remember the pain, and it not be about my ex. it was rather surreal, now that i think back over it. the pain was dull and sharp, all at the same time, but it wasn't about him, it was about the death of the relationship. strange distinction, i know, but real all the same.

Jesus stepped into the darkness that still lurks deep in the recesses of my heart, and although He has already done so much, He continues His healing work - sometimes without me even realizing it. there are other wounds stemming from that time in my life that are yet to be addressed... but it seems as though He brought me there tonight just to show me how far He's taken me. i think He just offered me a gentle nudge of reassurance that He is continuing His work of changing and softening and reshaping my heart. that's so amazing to me... and so gracious of Him to go back to that place with me, especially because i didn't even know i needed to go back.

i've never been one to look back very often - i believe my life is about where i am going, not about where i've been. i do so every now and again here on this blog as a way to share my life with you, and as a way for me to go back and let Him finish anything left unattended after all this time. i think it's fair to say that i am not normally given to shying away from pain, conflict or struggle - and i think it's cool that He's pointed out that He was redeveloping and reshaping those qualities even back then. it's incredible to look back now and see His hand all over this life. i love how personal He is! speaking of - brian has a great post up right now about how personal Jesus is - not just Jesus Himself, but His message, His way - all of Him is just, well, intimately involved and intertwined in our lives, throughout our lives. nate also has a really good post that explores this... this... inward invasion of our hearts.

inward invasion - that's exactly right! Jesus stands, just here, waiting for us to ask Him in. once we do... watch out. He's up to more than just binding up the brokenhearted - He's here to stay, and His presence creates a longing, a yearning, for MORE - more healing, more love, more of our hearts given over to Him, day after day. in my experience, i couldn't just give Him my heart and all the brokenness there... at least, it wasn't a one-time deal. trusting Him as Savior is one thing - getting to know Him is quite another experience. we keep going back, going deeper. the whole point of intimacy is a complete and thorough knowledge of one another - reciprocity is the key that allows for relationship. the overflow of this relationship is love - love for God and love for man. those would be commandments 1 and 2, as it turns out. funny that, as that's where release for the prisoners (oppressed) begins, as well. (in case you're unfamiliar with the text, i'm referencing isaiah 61:1-2, which Jesus quoted in luke 4:18-19 when He revealed Himself as the Christ.)

i'm not sure how i progressed from looking for a song, to realizing that my pain was real and valid, to recognizing His inward invasion of my heart, and, from all this, to have arrived at the very basics of being a disciple of Christ - love. He's doing something pretty crazy in me. in the space of 12 or so hours (it's taken a while to get this post right), He's taken me from the death of a tangible relationship to the reality of life with Him.

from death to life... that's the beauty of the Gospel. it's the allure of the invitation to freedom and life... and the invitation to die, so that we may live - and that others may live, as well.

music!!!

and the master, the man... introducing matthew and his mad skillz
----> a radio!!!

woo hoo!!! go matthew, go matthew, go matthew!!!

decide

this is today's entry from diary of an old soul by george mcdonald. any attempt by me to comment or expound on it will only take away from it's beauty.

'Tis--shall thy will be done for me?--or mine,
And I be made a thing not after thine--
My own, and dear in paltriest details?
Shall I be born of God, or of mere man?
Be made like Christ, or on some other plan?--
I let all run--set thou and trim my sails;
Home then my course, let blow whatever gales.

perspective 2

so this wasn't the song i thought i was posting next, but it's been circling in my mind. again, if you know it, try to refrain from singing it to yourself as you read the words - view it through the lens of worship, but with a cool twist - HE is singing to us... i love the passionate pursuit and desire for deep intimacy that this song conveys - especially from His perspective... "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - zephaniah 3:17

it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done
to be so in love with you and so alone

follow Me where I go
what I do and who I know
make it part of you to be a part of Me
follow Me up and down
all the way and all around
take My hand and say you’ll follow Me

it’s long been on My mind
you know it’s been a long, long time
I’ve tried to find the way that I can make you understand
the way I feel about you and just how much I need you
to be there where I can talk to you
when there’s no one else around

you see I’d like to share My life with you
and show you things I’ve seen
places that I’m going to
places where I’ve been
to have you there beside Me and never be alone
and all the time that you’re with Me
we will be at home

-- follow me, written by john denver

forty-seven

[this is a joint effort by me, katie, paula and nate... we're all in this together]

our annual concentrated time of prayer is typically known as "the 30 days". that time has now been stretched to 43 days, to include january 1 through february 12. this year, it was extended to 47 days, as we held our first family meeting on february 16. 47 days of prayer, of spiritual craziness and watching God trump the enemy again and again and again.

what we want to record here is a list of lessons learned this year, so as not to go into next year unprepared. some are obvious, some are not. this list is a way to remember - a place to come back to reflect and, hopefully, allow the Lord to continue to teach us over time.

1. don't go into this expecting to get your ass kicked - because you will
2. drama is self-inflicted - it is a choice
3. not everyone intercedes in the same way - some petition, some have divine insight, some wrestle with demons, some declare His glory, some just pray it down - but the whole combines into a beautiful canopy of prayer
4. when battling demons - the Word is NOT NEGOTIABLE
5. when you have nothing nice to say - SHUT UP (note to self)
6. the enemy is not very creative - the same tactics work again, and again, and again, and...
7. the enemy apparently does not like it when a Body comes together to read Neil T. Anderson's WHO I AM IN CHRIST
8. be prepared to come up for "grace filled air" and spur one another on... sometimes that's the only way to get to the finish line
9. load your mp3 player with worship music and let it play as you sleep - all night long
10. love covers all transgressions (proverbs 10:12)
11. when your wife has a 200 pound demon sitting on her while she sleeps, and wakes up swinging and screaming the name of Jesus, don't commit her to the nearest psych ward for a thorazine drip - pray with her instead
12. the enemy is targeting us because we are in the center of God's will - the more ferocious the battle, the greater the victory for the Kingdom
13. know when to "just" pray, and when to intervene in a situation - sometimes the Lord really does want to show off
14. discernment is a beautiful thing - USE IT
15. wisdom is a wonderful thing - ASK FOR IT... and apply it
16. if the Lord wakes you up in the middle of the night to write an email - get up and write it - immediately
17. fast when He tells you to, stop when He releases you
18. be intentional about staying away from situations or people that will cause you to lose focus on Him
19. give the pastor guy some grace - he really needs it - he is the one really on the front lines
20. the enemy is all about causing division and strife... and a little air-headedness (oh, wait - can i blame that on him?)
21. unfortunately, being a friend or family member of a crazy intercessor chick during 47 days of spiritual craziness is not as easy as one would like - just a head's up
22. rage should only ever be directed at the one deserving of such malice - the enemy of our souls
23. the enemy knows our buttons, and will push them mercilessly
24. if you really, really, really don't feel like doing something - drag your butt there, even if someone else has to do the dragging
25. accountability is an absolute necessity
26. be deliberate about praying for yourself FIRST - it's not selfish, it's essential
27. if your first thought is to react - DON'T
28. recognition brings on opposition - be ready for it
29. when you do mess something up, own up to it, apologize and move on
30. it's not your job to cover everyone and everything - that's why we are called a BODY
31. the Lord will send people your way to help you, teach you, encourage you and love you
32. the dots WILL connect
33. "worship is the highest form of warfare"
34. declare His magnificence in the face of evil AND in His presence
35. demonic assault does not just manifest spiritually - he is not beyond physical affliction
36. if you can't actually see to read the words on the page in front of you... the book is an absolute must-read... in this case, Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness
37. just because it's almost over doesn't mean lightning won't strike again - in the same place
38. put others' needs in front of your own - His timing is perfect - you can count on it
39. be deliberate in circling the wagons when part of your community is in need of help - even if they don't know it
40. when your world goes beyond crazy - hang on - He's about to rock your face
41. the Body is what it is because you are who you are (HIS) - don't forget that
42. life emerges victorious even in the face of opposition - praise you, Lord!
43. hearing, and listening to, the voice of your Shepherd is CRITICAL
44. fight against distraction and diminishment with everything you have - you're here for a reason
45. just because something HURTS does not mean it's causing HARM
46. STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER... before you throw a couple of punches at the monitor
47. keep things in perspective - HE will not fail US (joshua 1:5)

stretch

we made it!!!

the Lord brought the ring community church through our first year. if i had to pick one word to describe the past 365 days, it would be "stretch". we've grown in ways that we never thought of, faced things that we didn't anticipate, celebrated life and mourned loss, danced, sang, ate A LOT... we lived life side-by-side through all sorts of things that came our way.

and the coolest part about it? as josh said last night, this is not about us at all - it's all about Him, and His glory. no way could we have made it through without Him.

but by the grace of God go we, into the next year. may His will be done, now and always.

perspective 1

this is the first of several posts where i plan to take traditionally secular songs and view them through the lens of worship. if you know the song - try to refrain from singing it in your mind while you read it - let your spirit absorb the words.

i've chosen this one first for 2 reasons - katie thought to view this artist's songs through this lens a couple of years ago - and then paula and i were in lifeway last night, and i actually found this one released as a worship song, covered by travis cottrell on the cd, "found".

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
come fill me again

come let me love You
let me give my life to You
let me drown in Your laughter
let me die in Your arms
let me lay down beside You
let me always be with You
come let me love You
come love me again

-- annie's song, written by john denver

faith

i'm reading diary of an old soul by george mcdonald with some friends as a daily devotional this year. here is the one for my birthday:

Thou near then, I draw nearer--to thy feet,
And sitting in thy shadow, look out on thy shine;
Ready at thy first word to leave my seat--
Not thee: thou goest too. From every clod
Into thy footprint flows the indwelling wine;
And in my daily bread, keen-eyed I greet
It's being's heart, the very body of God.

step by step, into His heart. it is everything i desire... and everything i fear.

Stronghold

continuing from the last post...

"there" is anywhere, anyone, or any place that leads me away from Him. fill in your own blank - the world, sin, old behaviors, old thought processes...

the Lord has been very faithful lately to break down some serious strongholds in my life... stupid things that have become stumbling blocks over time. He has also been very faithful to bring even the really hard ones to my attention - and to let me suffer through them until i decide enough is enough and allow Him to break them for me, once and for all.

i will seek You, Lord
while i am in my youth,
i will serve You, Lord
and i'll proclaim Your truth,
for you searched and found me
while i was far away,
and in my troubled times
You always keep me safe.

the Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall i fear, whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
whom shall i fear? whom shall i fear?

i know that You are for me,
i praise You 'cause You're for me.

--darrell evans

there

i don't want to go there - i want to stay here, where it's hard, but Secure.

i don't want to go there - i want to dwell here, where there is risk, but it's Good.

i don't want to go there - i want to rest in peace, weary from the Battle.

i don't want to go there - i want to live, where life is truly Life.

i don't want to go there - i want to be known, and not have to hide.

i don't want to go there - i want to thirst, and drink deeply of His grace.

i don't want to go there - i want to yearn, knowing that He will satisfy.

i don't want to go there - i want to awaken, heart fully alive.

i don't want to go there - i want to trust, knowing that His heart is good.

i don't want to go there - i want to know the weight of His glory, and mine.

i don't want to go there - i want the hope of a life fully restored.

i don't want to go there - i want to have joy, especially when life hurts.

i don't want to go there - i want to stop doubting, to have faith and be faithful.

i don't want to go there - i want to weep for HIM who is LOVE.

i don't want to go there - i want to not worry, and go dance with my Lord.

i don't want to go there - i want my flesh to die and resurrect in Him.

i don't want to go there - i want to abide in the constancy of Christ.

i don't want to go there - i want to be holy, pure and lovely - the Bride.

i don't want to go there - i want to desire, to long, for Jesus alone.

i don't want to go there... why do i keep going back?

but in the pain, there is beauty, for He is all that is True, and Good and Beautiful.

everything i want is already mine. i must choose, daily, to walk in that Truth... and realize, perhaps more importantly, that HE will not fail ME. (joshua 1)

abandoned

[although this does not surprise me in the least, this is an incredibly difficult post to write. lucky for me that i am an incredibly stubborn individual, when i have to be... as evidenced by the post time of 11-ish, which is when i began, and the fact that it's now 4:34 in the am]

worship is the highest form of warfare.

i learned this at the captivating retreat. yes, i heard the words, understood their meaning... but i experienced it first-hand over and over and over again while we were there. i say "we" because this is about the collective beauty of the women who were absolutely abandoned in their worship, unashamed of their love and need for Jesus.

i've never experienced that level of freedom in worship IN MY LIFE. there were women dancing, praying, laughing, crying, shouting, weeping, standing, sitting, singing, silent, hands raised in fists of victory or defiance, hands stretching out to touch His face, or lying prostrate on the floor - face down or face up - every conceivable way of physical expression of worship in utter abandonment to Him. it was fantastic. it was beautiful. it was freedom.

there were so many women hurting, so many seeking Jesus, so many desperate for true fellowship, bound to the other women by a shared desire to love, and be loved. i've written about this before, but it comes to mind again tonight. (ok, so it's 4-ish in the morning again - i have not yet been to sleep - my disclaimer if this ends up not making any sense...) this has been an incredible couple of days and i find myself longing for that freedom to just exist in a state of pure worship. the Lord has been showing off lately, big time, in many lives around me, including my own. i am brought back to those memories by a very pressing need to express to Him how much i love Him - not just for the amazing things He's doing, but really just because He is who He is.

HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.

although i was there as a participant, the intercessor in me was keenly aware of the spiritual junk going on. i say junk, only to point out that the enemy really stood no chance of getting to us while we were there, not to downplay what was going on spiritually. there was some serious healing taking place and we were taught how to fight to keep it. of course, the on-site intercessors really paved the way for us by covering us in a canopy of prayer... what an amazing calling, and what an amazing gift!

i've read somewhere that intercession and worship go hand in hand as spiritual gifts. that makes perfect sense to me, because, as previously stated, worship is the highest form of warfare. on sunday nights when my spirit is particularly stirred up about something, i make a point to go find our worship leader and encourage him, to remind him that he is leading us to the Lord, to take seriously the fight for the hearts in the room through worship. (not that he doesn't take it seriously - i just have gotten into the habit of giving him a head's up if my spirit is jumping) i find as i tune into the various aspects of the ministry, that there are specific prayer needs for each one. the band needs prayer differently than the pastor... the Body needs prayer differently than the technical team... the diversity of needs makes me depend that much more on the Spirit leading me in prayer. i love how that speaks to His intimate counsel and care for us!

i've sat in the back of the gym at 5:45 prayer, and just looked around. it was like i could almost see the connection of the hearts going on - the intimate conversations between the God of the universe and His kids, simultaneously - intimate and pervasive, all at the same time... like streams of light going up from different areas of the room. i'm not a very imaginative creature, so that's a stretch for me... but a glorious one for Him to allow me to glimpse.

a friend of mine doesn't understand why i surround myself with worship music when i'm driving. it used to be more about keeping my flesh under control and keeping my focus on all things Christ - a constant reminder of the life and the path that i have chosen, that i have been called to and that i intentionally live out day by day. however, the more i grow as an intercessor, the more i learn - mostly by trial and error - the more i realize that i MUST be surrounded by music that calls to my spirit. think about it. the more intentionally i walk into this role as an intercessor, the more of a threat i become to the enemy. the more of a threat i become, the more he wants to take me out.

i went to dinner with a friend of mine tonight, for the sole purpose of celebrating His goodness. i really wish i did that all the time, not just when He decides to step it up a notch. i want to celebrate Him all the time. rejoice in our sufferings, and all that. my heart is not there, but i want it to be... that counts for something, right?

i say all that really to pass along something that i've learned the hard way - when you are under attack, in whatever way it manifests in your life, there is more you can do than "just" pray. chose to be surrounded by music that makes your spirit soar. chose to envelope yourself in something beautiful. chose to sing His praises, even if it's out of pure defiance of the enemy of your soul. abandon yourself to Jesus...

approach

i've never done this before, but then again... i've never experienced anything quite like what happened tonight before, either. (how's that for a set up?)

a few weeks ago, our pastor spoke highly of an aspiring new Christian musician who was scheduled to perform tonight at zoar baptist church in central, louisiana. i'd never heard of this artist, but my pastor is an accomplished musician, so i hold his opinion in high regard... and besides, our worship band is from zoar, so attending was just as much about supporting their church as it was about supporting an aspiring new musician. (i must say that the ring was well-represented... we made up about 1/3 of the audience - how cool to walk into a church i've never been to and see my community there!)

everyone, meet phil wickham. he's from san diego, pronounces baton rouge as "baton rou-gay" and would have loved to have seen the saints and the chargers throw down in the super bowl. alas... oh, and he calls crawfish "craw puppies" which can only be an hysterical combination of "crawfish" and "hush puppies"... fun personality aside, he is quite talented. but that doesn't really tell you much about him, does it?

well, this should help. first, here is his website. second, i am making an exception for him and relenting on my total anti-myspace stance long enough to give you a way to find out more about him. be warned - myspace is of the devil... i joke, i kid... i don't. anyway, here is his space; it's got some great music (we sing always forever at the ring - it's beautiful), tour dates and such. (whew - no lightening! - let's get past this paragraph and on to what the night held, and not push our luck...)

so the night started with the student pastor, brian, opening us up in prayer. wow - that man can PRAY! so few words, so much power and love unleashed... talk about setting the tone for worship! i'm sitting there, in a foreign place, surrounded by loved ones and strangers, and we all entered into God's presence in such a powerful way. did i mention that man can pray??? holy cow. then there's this guy just standing on stage, just him and his acoustic guitar. now, i'm sitting there, blown away by brian's prayer, and this music begins. i really don't know what to expect - i've never heard of this guy, i don't know any of his music - at least, i didn't know always forever is his song - and i'm waiting with baited breath to see what's next... and i am drawn into his heart for the next hour - he was raw, passionate and real. i think i'm transparent? please. i can't think of a more vulnerable position to be in than playing to complete strangers and just letting it rip - pouring your heart out to your Lord in song. i was vibrating inside about 15 minutes into it, and am still smiling as i type this hours later.

as per the usual, worship was not all the Lord had in mind for the night. more humility - a friend had to buy me one of phil's cd's with a promise to pay her back... and more put-yourself-out-there obedience. that's right - He sent me to find brian to speak words of encouragement to him. no way i could have left that church without thanking him for bringing us into the Lord's presence so powerfully. what could have been a really awkward encounter turned out to be beautiful - the look on his face and in his eyes was worth every niggling doubt about what the Lord told me to do, and why He wanted me to do it. i don't have any idea what the Lord did in his heart with those words, but it was beautiful, whatever it was. sooo cool.

i'm not sure that we so much approached the throne room as we busted through the door. i think the coolest part was that it wasn't about the music. weird, huh? yes, the music was great and, from what i know about him, i highly recommend phil. but i think, to me at least, that the night was more about coming alive... about the Lord continuing to draw me out of this semi-secluded existence into Him, through His kids, through worship, through fellowship, through humility, through obedience... paula recently said to me that we learn more about God so that we can worship Him more, so that we can approach Him more fully in love and with adoration. i had never equated head knowledge with worship before. or, more correctly stated, i had never equated learning more about God as a means to worship Him more. but it makes so much sense! the more i learn of Him - whether it be through a sermon, getting to know Him, someone else's walk with Him... however i encounter Him, i invariably walk away from that encounter, loving Him more... which opens my heart even more. i am already profoundly affected by music - when my spirit joins in - well, that's just a beautiful thing.

imago dei

so i've been awake since 3 o'clock this morning. again. blegh.

instead of ranting this time, i've spent the past 4 hours praying and thinking. i watched the sun rise - ok, so i watched the day brighten through the clouds - and listened to the birds singing. why they are singing on such a cold, dreary morning is totally beyond me - they must know something that i don't. or have much less on their minds...

a friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with a quote in it that i can't get out of my head. it's by oswald chambers, admittedly NOT one of my favorite authors or theologians. everything that i've read by him - intentionally not much - just does not sit well with me. his descriptions of what our relationship with God is supposed to look like remind me of an ant trying to have true fellowship with shaquille o'neal. it's just... unbalanced and in no way intimate. but that's not the point of this post... here is the quote i can't get out of my head:

The call of God is not a reflection of my nature; my personal desires and temperament are of no consideration. As long as I dwell on my own qualities and traits and think about what I am suited for, I will never hear the call of God. But when God brings me into the right relationship with Himself, I will be in the same condition Isaiah was. Isaiah was so attuned to God, because of the great crisis he had just endured, that the call of God penetrated his soul. The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says. But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to be profoundly changed.

how can that be true? i have been struggling with this since i first read it, and i become increasingly more perplexed the more i ponder it. as someone seeking God's call on my life, this quote sends me into a bit of a panic. pushing back on the panic, i'm inclined to think about what God's Word has to say about this. (i'm too lazy to look up the scripture references...)

God made me. He knew me before the beginning of time. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He knows every hair on my head. He placed His desires in my heart. i am an image-bearer of the Most High God. i am crowned with glory, made righteous by the blood of the Lamb. i am holy and dearly loved. i am forgiven, restored and belong to God's family - a holy nation and a royal priesthood. i am salt and light. i am the bride of Christ. i am much more than this, but that's all i have off the top of my head, considering i've been up since 3 am...

knowing all of this to be true... how can chambers be correct in saying that who i am is irrelevant to who God calls me to be?

I DON'T GET IT.

restoration

WARNING - THIS IS A RANT. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FEEL-GOOD READ, TODAY IS NOT THE DAY.

this side of the hump, i find something unexpected. i am restless, weary of this place.

Jesus is all about restoration. that's why He came, right? to restore us to the Father, to give sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, life to the dead - to set the captives free, to bind up the broken-hearted and proclaim freedom for the prisoners?

i want my life back. not my job, not my husband, not my house. not any of the things that i've lost over the years. i want so much more than that. i want LIFE, restored and renewed and grounded in HIM.

i am restless beyond anything i've experienced before. i can't sleep. i can't stop praying. i can't stop reading about Him. i long to be saturated in Love.

i long for restoration.

over 5 years ago, i had my life ripped away from me. everything i knew - gone. it's been a roller-coaster ride since then - as if life with my ex wasn't hard enough. 13 years of utter misery, and now 5+ years of... what? there is nothing in my life that is stable and sure... precious little to offer me security and a sense of belonging. no wonder it's too easy to misplace our passion for the Lord - to settle for a substitute... i am restless and yearning, and all that i am surrounded with tells me that this desire will be fulfilled by a home, a family, my place in the world where i am safe and wanted - needed, even.

i long for a home that doesn't belong to a relative or a management agency. i long to cut the grass. i long to finally figure out how to nurture a flowerbed into something beautiful. i long to walk in the door, knowing that i am home, surrounded by familiar scents, belongings, people whom i love, and love me.

josh has been teaching out of revelation 3, specifically the letter to the church in laodicea. it's a stern warning to a people who have compromised themselves to the point where there is nothing left of their lives to distinguish them from the world... followed immediately by an invitation of restoration to intimate relationship. yes, exactly.

i know the "correct" answer is Jesus:

Jesus be my portion
Jesus be my King
Lover of souls I am giving You all I have
Because I know all that I need
I will find at Your feet
--jason morant

why does that feel so... stifling? insufficient? so much like settling? "i am giving You all that i have" contrasted with "Jesus, be my portion"? how does that work? "here, You take all of me, and i'll settle for whatever crumbs You decide to throw my way?" is that supposed to make me feel loved and longed for and passionately pursued? well, it doesn't. God, i hate that song.

"portion" doesn't come close to describing my longing for Him. for restoration. for my life to have some semblance of normalcy and purpose. and since i'm on a rant anyway, what is normal? somebody, please tell me, because i don't have a clue. i don't have a dad. i don't have a home. i don't have a close family. i don't have 2.5 kids and a house on the corner lot. yes, i know the sunday school answer to these statements - ann, you need to be grateful for what you do have. you have a heavenly Father. your mother has graciously opened her home to you. you have a sister that you could pursue more purposefully. you know the Lord has promised you children, and by default, a husband to father said children. you will eventually have a home of your own. blah, blah, BLAH.

i know these things. i know things can be much worse. i know they may get much worse. but my heart is bucking and kicking like crazy, and since He gave me this heart, i'm going with He understands this restlessness and isn't going to strike me down for owning up to it.

here's my take on what happened 5 years ago. my husband was seduced away from me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's also the most devastating thing that's happened to me, in regards to picking up the pieces and moving forward. i did all the right things during the divorce. he never even needed an attorney. i divorced him quietly, taking the dog and a few pieces of furniture that belong to my family. i could have chosen to make his life a living hell. i could have chosen to take him to court for abandonment and adultery... never mind the drugs i found in the house. i could have done a lot of things that, frankly, my friends and family thought i was insane for NOT doing. i chose to walk away. i chose to be the better person. i chose to be a person of character and integrity - to take the high road, instead of battling it out in the courts. and what do i get for my efforts? oh, let's see. let's start with identity theft by his adulterous lover. anyone ever hear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy? how about losing my home and my other dog? how about losing what i thought was my family - including all the children that, to this day, still call me "aunt ann" even though i haven't seen them in years? how about giving up an embryo - my child - choosing to do a blind donation to an infertile couple instead of keeping it frozen beyond a reasonable "shelf-life"? how about losing my boat? my credit? my... whatever. no wonder i can't listen to country music anymore...

i thought, at the time, even as angry as i was with God, that He would be honored by my heart for Him, by my efforts to "do the right thing." i refused to compromise myself and my integrity to appease the world... is it so much to ask for the intimacy, the restoration that immediately follows the rebuke in the letter to laodicea? oh, He definitely made good on the promise in the spiritual realm. it's been an amazing journey. but what about my life in this world?

some jackass said that faith requires more faith. no shit. what do you do, pray tell, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, ignoring the splinters and blood in your desperate search for more? i'm feeling very fickle at the moment. i wrote a friend the other night that God's love for us is madness, and that i am madly in love with Him. i don't know how to sustain that state of my heart. i don't know what to do with this bucking, wild, restless love that is crying out for release.

deliberate

this may be one of the more random posts i've written in awhile, but something happened today that i don't want to lose - that i don't want to fade from my mind.

where to start? hmmm... let's rewind to the last days of 2005. yes, i know, it's taboo to write about fasting, but guess what? i'm going to anyway. i fasted for the first time - intentional, seek the Lord, deny self in search of Him fasted - the last 2 days of 2005 and the first day of 2006. it was a 3-day, water/gatorade only fast. while i can't say that anything super crazy happened during the fast - no moments of epiphany or visions or anything like that - the posts over the year can attest to the vast amounts of spiritual growth that may have stemmed from that fast.

fast-forward to this week. i joined with a ministry that i intercede for in a 3-day fast. the first day was wednesday, and the lack of caffeine was FAR worse than the lack of food. i spent the majority of the day in bed, suffering from this screaming headache, praying, resting... just being still before the Lord.

cool side note - this is our annual 30 days of prayer at the ring, so the fast quickly became about me and 2 ministries, bowing low before the Lord, pressing in to hear His voice. cool, huh?

wednesday night was spent, much to my dismay, in front of the tv... but even then, i could sense that He was getting ready to talk to me. after i exhausted all the csi's and svu's that could possibly be found on tv, i spent a lot of time on my face, talking to Him about the idols in my life - the little "affairs of the heart" that brent curtis writes about in the sacred romance. i confessed those idols - from tv to church - and put Jesus back front and center in my life, in my heart. there was something so freeing about just confessing them and asking His forgiveness.

thursday, i was forced out of the house - gleefully - to get a much-needed haircut and to visit the newest member of our community, jack henry rush, weighing in at 8lbs, 9ozs, 21 inches long and beautiful. welcome, little one! throughout the day, i could sense the Lord near, whispering to me. the still small voice was probably the smallest it's ever been. i could sense, rather than hear, that He knows how hard waiting has become. not having money after the bills are paid is one thing - not even being able to buy groceries is a completely different ballgame. as one of our Body said on new year's eve, "i trust You, Lord... but seriously." i have a really hard time praying for provision for myself. i've never had to, and not really sure how to go about asking for something that He knows i need...

He showed me that i have not been intentional enough in my time with Him. not deliberate in asking for the things i need, not deliberate about asking Him what He wants from this season. yes, i write about it a lot, but actually going before Him with it, and then stopping to listen... well, there wasn't much listening - mostly complaining - mainly to people, not even to Him - nevermind the listening. somewhere during the day, He released me from the fast. it seems that He just wanted to point out a few things that are keeping me stuck in this place.

something else really cool happened thursday night. i had a long, rambling conversation with a friend of mine over the phone. i rarely do that - i'm not much of a phone person... but this friend and i have learned the value of what i've come to call a free-flowing conversation. one that centers on the Lord and our lives, but just kind of random, here and there, touching on a lot of different things, not really delving into anything deeply. and that's so strange! normally, that kind of aimless talking would drive me insane. but, again, i've learned the value of allowing our hearts and minds to flow freely, landing inevitably where-ever He wants us to. and sure enough, she landed on some things that were causing her unnamed anxiety all week, and we landed on what's been pinning me down for months - fear and confusion.

that's right - i've been afraid and confused. now, we all know that's out of character for me. even in the midst of a hard season, fear is not something i battle, nor is confusion. and let me just tell you, the combination is quite powerful. i've been effectively ineffective and paralyzed. yes, i know - that's had to believe, but it makes so much sense. i have not been able to deal with just normal everyday tasks like opening the mail, much less dealing with any issues that might come along with opening said mail... even answering emails had become almost impossible. i've been procrastinating like crazy - but not intentionally. i've just been... paralyzed. most doctors would diagnose that as depression, and there may be a twinge of that in there somewhere, but listen to this...

we discovered this fear and confusion last night. we agreed to pray against it, recognizing it for what it was and who it came from. and we left it at that. there was no drum roll, no angels singing, nothing to signify major breakthrough had occurred... and then there was today.

today, i had my first cup of coffee in 3 days - praise the Lord and hallelujah - and my mind was sharp and focused. for the first time in months, i was able to take care of just the basics of life with ease. i've not caught completely up, but i got off to a great start. i finally filed for unemployment - much emphasis on FINALLY - and the thought of money coming in is almost too much for me to consider. the fact that it's so much less than what i was earning - roughly 1/25th of my former income - yes, 1/25th, not 1/4th - would, at one point, have been a source of much frustration and indignation to me... not so much today. i was so thrilled to have actually done something useful and productive that the amount is totally irrelevant. and then i worked on fine-tuning my resume. and i contacted a company here in town that i know i'm a good fit for, whether they know it or not. and i sorted my mail. and i got my wireless internet going again. and i talked to my sister. and i...

i realized that 2 separate, yet wonderful things had happened to allow all this other stuff to happen. i approached the Lord with intent, and He honored that deliberate seeking out. i took authority over the enemy - sneaky bastard that he is - in my own life, and it's like a switch has been flipped. "i have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (luke 10:19)

literally overnight, i went from barely functioning to almost back to normal. most of you who see me on a regular basis may have a hard time absorbing these words, because, while i am a huge proponent of transparency and authenticity... when trials stretch on for months and months, they can become a stumbling block for others. my faith is stretched, but those who love me are having their faith stretched and tested, too, watching my life barely limp along.

so... lessons learned? be deliberate about asking and listening to Jesus. pursue Him daily, not out of obligation, but out of love and need. be sure of who's voice you hear when you do listen... this is KEY. i have several dear friends struggling and deeply hurting, believing this is what the Lord has called them to. far be it for me to say that you will never suffer, but i can say with confidence that the LORD IS GOOD. HIS HEART IS GOOD. HE DESIRES GOOD THINGS FOR YOU. not in a prosperity gospel kind of way, but in the way He describes Himself in His Word. just because you "hear" a voice DOES NOT mean it's His. test it. by all means, test the voice. for God's sake, test the voice. have i said it enough yet? the enemy masquerades as an angel of light (2 corinthians 11:14). it is his intent to confuse you - do you really think it's beyond him to imitate the voice of the Lord? yes, i know there are a lot of passages of Scripture that warn against testing God - don't hear me say that you are to test God. test the spirit, test the voice - it's not only ok - it's biblical - see romans 12:2, 1 thessalonians 5:21 and 1 john 4:1. be wise. be wary... and know the character of God, so that you will be able to discern what is from Him and what is not. i learned that particular lesson the hard way...

rewire

in a loose continuation from the last thought of the last post...

the Word tells us that we are new creations in Christ... that we are to put off the old man and to put on Christ. sometimes, putting off the old ann is not as easy as i'd like it to be. it takes a real effort to take everything i've learned about walking with Christ and apply all of it forward to today. i've learned a lot about my heart from the likes of john eldredge and the ransomed heart team, from my pastor, my church community, my geographic community, many authors and movies. i've learned, first and foremost, that it is good. yeah, that's right. my heart is good. (if this concept totally shocks you, don't take my word for it, check this out) i find that, over time, as i let Jesus farther and farther into the recesses of my heart, something really strange and wonderful happens. i find that loving people is not as foreign and difficult as i once learned that it was... 'learned' being the operative word here. my early years were spent learning that i had to protect myself, that people were not safe, not to be trusted. this being "true" to me, why in the world would i want to actually live and love in community with others?

i've also learned a lot about the Battle... perhaps the most important thing that i've learned so far is that this Battle is NOT against flesh and blood, even when - especially when - it seems very much like it is. this Battle is not only for my heart... it's for the hearts of others. Jesus came to accomplish so much more than "your sins are forgiven". He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. He came to restore our unity with the Father, yes, BUT He also came to restore our hearts - to give us life - to graft us into the Vine once again (and again and again and again...). He came to set the captives free, NOT to wrap us up in religion and rules. the enemy's infiltration of the church has caused untold strife, division, hurt and worst of all, God's children to fall away, either due to sin or because they were sinned against in the name of the Father.

i've learned that when i perceive someone as a threat to all i hold dear, that someone is NOT the problem. the enemy is the problem. he is the threat, not the person. let your heart rest on that thought for a minute.

when a person rebels against the church, what they are really doing is trying to protect their heart from wounds, or rather, the message of the wounds they've sustained along the way. religion sucks. i can live my life any way i want to - i'm covered by grace, so it really just doesn't matter, now does it? Jesus doesn't really care about me. i'm going to do whatever i want, and take as many of the church with me as i can because Jesus doesn't really care - He's a liar and has forsaken me. He won't come for me. why would i want Him to come for me, anyway? all church really is are a bunch of hypocrites who sing praises on sunday and live in the world the rest of the time, so why shouldn't i? Jesus has never come for me before when i really needed Him, so why would i ask or expect Him to come this time? i'd rather be cool, have lots of friends and snub the church than actually let Him into my life, much less my heart. it's a lot easier to be the social event of the year than to stop and be still before Him... and why would i want to do that, anyway? life with Him is hard... why, exactly, would i choose to live with Him? what, do you think i'm seriously going to actually choose Him, when He has so blatantly forgotten me? please.

and here is the good news - amid all this questioning and doubt, He waits to expose the lies... and He'll get really creative about revealing Himself... visually, through a song, a smell, a life... or He may choose more drastic measures. He may choose to break our leg and carry us around on His shoulders for a while, so that we are forced to learn His voice and our utter dependence on Him. He may just step back and wait until we dig ourselves in too deep and have no other way out of the disaster of our lives, full of fun and wit on the outside and dead and desperate on the inside. how do i know this to be true? i've been there, done that, as the saying goes. i've been in each of those situations, and He's come for me every single time.

as an intercessor, i've learned to see beyond the perceived threat and straight to the enemy. sometimes, i'm to fight in person - accountability, for example. sometimes, i'm to fight with words - an email, for example. and sometimes, i'm to pull out all the stops and fight heart to heart through prayer alone.

i see the enemy's attempt to infiltrate the church. i also see the lies that are fueling the charge... and i'm pulling out all the stops. this fight is a fight that i am not willing to lose. this fight is heart to heart, for a heart (perhaps many hearts)... and that makes it of vital importance to me... go figure. guess He's not done rewiring this heart just yet...

el Nombre de Cristo

(i love this shot because it's of a bell currently in use in a 600-year-old catholic church - and it has a cross on it, not a crucifix)

i recently had the opportunity to make a quick run into mexico with a team from my church. it was totally last minute that i found out that i was going - less than 48 hours. i say that only to say this - i did not have much time to prepare to go, spiritually. i didn't have much time to ask God what He wanted from this trip personally, from and for me. thankfully, it's a long drive, and i drove the late shift - midnight to dawn or thereabouts - so i had time to pray and think while everyone else slept. even then, much of my time with the Lord was spent thanking Him that everyone was able to get some sleep, praying that it was restful and restorative sleep, and asking Him for safe passage and for His purposes to be accomplished through us - for open hearts and opportunities to deepen alliances with our friends there.

while there are so many stories i could tell, the one that's been circling in my mind since it happened and must be written is, oddly enough, the one thing that i really didn't expect to happen. ok, so if i had thought about it even for a second, it makes perfect sense, and completely lines up with what He's been doing in my life recently. it will come as a surprise to none of you that this trip, for me, was spiritually off the charts. crazy stuff happened. i realize that the Lord shows Himself in different ways, depending on the needs of the people, the culture, the prevalence of the occult... lots of things. i've heard that He shows off big-time in other countries because there is a need for Him to trump the enemy - He chooses to prove Himself 'bigger and badder' than the occult, the poverty, the sheer suffering and need. i know this - i just didn't expect to experience it first-hand.

one of the days we were there, we tagged along with one of our sister churches to a poor (such an understatement) village where there is no running water, no electricity - life is just HARD there. the children are dirty, malnourished, lacking even the basics of childhood like toys and food. it's heart-wrenching. the adults are mostly field laborers, meaning that they harvest crops for large agricultural companies. there is such a need for Hope there... and when you find it, it's AMAZING. faith is taken to a whole new level there... they are completely dependant on the Lord for everything - physically, emotionally, spiritually - everything. there is so much i could write about just concerning that one day, but i think i should stick to what He showed me.

i was given the opportunity to pray for random people - most of whom came up to me. now, you need to understand that i speak very little spanish... i can ask you what your name is, how you are doing, and where the bathrooms are, but that's about it. i can listen to a sermon and pick out references to the Lord, expressions of gratitude, of His magnificence and glory, but i can't speak conversationally... which is what makes what i'm about to tell you that much cooler...

the praying started with a man whose leg was horribly injured and infected. i was hit over the head with instructions to pray for him, and obeyed immediately... when the Lord is that clear on something, you don't ask, you just do. i had to ask someone to ask him for permission to pray for him - it's a cultural thing - and then just opened my mouth and let the words pour out... and the words were not all english. there were definitely spanish words intermingled with mine - did i mention that i don't speak conversational spanish? i was praying for healing, and continue to do so today - he is so heavy on my heart...

there are 3 other people that come to mind, all that came up to me, all that i was prompted to pray for. one woman's story struck me so deeply that even after i prayed for her, i asked one of our friends to listen to her story and speak with her. after they spoke, she prayed for her - we prayed for her... and both of my hands - middle finger to thumb and up to my elbow - turned to ice... not to the touch - from the inside out - the best way i can describe it is to compare it to putting your really really cold feet into really really hot water. i described this sensation to my friend and she was not surprised in the least - in fact, she said that's a common way for the Lord to make His presence known. huh? not in my world... but i wasn't in my world, now was i? that sensation lasted for 2 solid days, and i still feel twinges of it when i talk about it.

the next day, a whole gaggle of us went to a rather large city to go shopping in an authentic mexican market and to see the city. when we finished shopping, we walked to a circa 1400 ad church. now, i say we walked, but it was more like just under a jog - like ducks in a really long line, trying our best not to lose each other in such a large city where people are everywhere and vehicles have absolute dominance in the streets. think bourbon street PLUS speeding cars, trucks, buses... yeah, yikes. anyway... i was at the trailing end of our train of people (may have something to do with being 5' tall) and josh was behind me, as usual, making sure no-one got left behind or lost. we were booking it through a city park-like area, with my eyes constantly scanning the backs of heads in front of me, trying to keep up with our group. all of a sudden, this voice comes out of the crowd, screaming at me. i looked over to see this woman glaring at me. now, my spirit did a bow-up, flip flop thing, but my mind was a little slower to register what was going on. we kept going, but i asked josh what she had screamed at me. his best translation was, "stopping looking at me". now, i wasn't looking at anyone, but when i did, she was decidedly... venomous and well, evil. she wasn't - but the demon inside her was. it saw me coming and warned me off, loudly.

looking back now, i wish i could have stopped and rebuked that thing, setting that poor woman free and introducing her to Jesus. but, it didn't happen that way for a reason, i keep telling myself. there was no way for us to stop and not totally lose our group. it was so unexpected, that we were a full 30 yards away before i realized what had just happened... too late to go back, too late to react. so, what's the next best thing to do when you miss an opportunity like that? pray, pray and pray some more. in thinking through it, rebuking that demon would have been Christ through me, and that happens in the spirit world, not in person. it would be terribly arrogant to believe that my presence is necessary for that woman to be delivered from possession. so... i continue to petition God through Christ on her behalf, knowing His heart, knowing He wants her set free so much more than even i...

given a little perspective due to time and distance, i have to wonder what all that was about. why did the Lord ramp up the spiritual side of things for me? i don't claim to know what He did in the lives and hearts of the others on the team, i just know that for me, this trip was crazy... and it makes me wonder what He's up to for the big trip in april. if there is one thing i've learned about the Lord, it's that He doesn't just do things. He doesn't just decide to cause my hands and arms to turn to ice. He doesn't just decide to point me out to a demon and have me perceived as a threat. He does these things for a reason - many reasons, more than likely.

one of the many flaws that i discover about myself when i go to mexico is that my immediate heart reactions are not geared toward the people there. yes, this is hard to write, but it's true. my heart goes out to the animals, suffering from injury, disease, neglect and abuse. my heart goes out to the environment that is so polluted from unregulated factory emissions. yes, i know that the Christ in me is about saving souls and setting captives free. i know this. i also know that we are all wired differently... and that He's the One that did the wiring. maybe that's why i experienced such personal, relational encounters this time...

free

the Lord gave me a heart-check sunday night during worship. i'm pretty sure He arranged the set list Himself...

before the ring, my friends and i were trying to figure out what we each had planned for new year's eve (we're obviously the most organized bunch of people EVER...). to a person, we all just wanted to see the year gone - no celebration, no party, no midnight countdown... not even particularly looking forward to the new year, just glad that the old one was gone.

suffice it to say that it was a hard year... for a lot of us.

but then something crazy happened. as we began to worship, as we approached the throne room, God's presence was all around us. i mean, it was like He was sitting right there, with the train of His robe filling the room (see isaiah 6:1). my heart was open, my spirit soaring - and i realized that my attitude and comments about 2006 were so inaccurate, so unfaithful, so ungrateful, and so dishonoring to my Lord...

yes, circumstantially, 2006 was a tough year. just a quick glance over the posts on this blog will attest to that. however - and this is a huge however - spiritually, 2006 was one of the best years of my life. i don't know that i've drawn closer to Jesus, depended on Him more, learned more about Him, or fell in love with Him like i did this past year. He and i have been through some rough times together, but there was something different about 2006 - something intentional. He pursued me, stretched me, broke me, loved me - all the way through it.

and what's even crazier is that He continues on pursuing me. He hasn't stopped. i don't have a clue what 2007 holds... and that's ok with me. am i really called to seattle? should i just find a job? how do i make a career change? how do i learn to live from my heart, and learn how to offer that to others? i really don't know, and i really am ok with that... most of the time. yes, i get frustrated. yes, i get impatient. but at the end of the day, i still believe that i'm supposed to wait... on Him. as a friend told me tonight, she feels like i'm supposed to be waiting while the supporting cast gets into costume and on stage. that's as good as an analogy as any for this situation.

so, although i couldn't work up the courage to actually speak into a microphone to brag on Jesus, i hope i made up for it here. josh encouraged us to learn from the times where He has already proven His faithfulness, to embrace that Truth today - today - not the last time we saw it, not when a crisis hits - today. He is faithful... all the time. he used psalm 95 to point us to Jesus:

1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
9 where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.
10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."

i walked away from that night free again. there is a freedom that Christ came to give us, that He intends for us to live in. why is it that we so easily give that up? i had been slowly wilting under the weight of trying to make the right decisions about my life - as if the Lord can't fix what i screw up - all that He cares about is that i'm seeking His face, His voice, His will... HIM. it's not mine to fix. it's not up to me. it's all Him... and i'm all HIS. and THAT, my friends, is what counts. if, at the end of the day, i can look in the mirror and honestly say that i sought Him out that day, then i can most assuredly rest in His promise that declares us His flock, under His care.

HE will not fail US (joshua 1).

soar

my spirit is soaring.

i'm exhausted and exhilarated, all at the same time. the Lord was so near tonight i could barely breathe. wow.

i love new year's eve at the ring. it's 'brag on Jesus' night, and it's a tradition that i have come to cherish. i love the intimacy of the testimonies, of His faithfulness in our lives. i love the purity of worship and love that exists in our Body.

He is so good. He is overwhelming. He takes my breath away.

i was hoping to be able to capture in words what's going on in my spirit. not possible - not this time.

my spirit is soaring...

appalled

i went blog surfing tonight.

i revisited some blogs i haven't read in a while. what i found there absolutely astounded me. there is a fellow blogger, a man of God, wrestling with the things of God, and some scripture-quoting random stranger had the sheer audacity to censor him.

i am appalled. i don't know what else to say.

rejoice

Christmas eve is by far my favorite night of the year. every year offers a new experience, a new way to celebrate His birth... i guess that's one upside to having such an unsettled life.

Christmas eve, 1998 is one that is extra special to me. i was still married, and we were living in cheyenne, wyoming. we had only been there 2 months, and did not know our way around. i searched for a church that offered a candlelight service, and found one in downtown cheyenne. well, long story short, we got lost. way lost. as in ended up on a closed interstate in a white-out lost... he was cussing, i was praying, and we finally got to the church, half frozen and ready to just go home. (hello - from the south here - my clothes are made of cotton - cotton is not intended to be worn in blizzards...) i remember it was really dark outside, and the church looked like something out of a thomas kinkade painting. the warmth of the light and the sound of the music spilled out of the door, welcoming us in. we were handed candles just as the congregation stood to sing "o, holy night." it was a divine moment - i don't think i managed to sing around the knot in my throat. the service was fantastic, complete with a real little drummer boy, with the story acted out. i've never seen anything like it before or since.

in 2003, my first Christmas at pbc, i hardly knew a soul, even though i had been going there for several months. i sat in the back, alone. josh was there, but we barely knew each other back then... i believe he sat in the row just behind me. they had a full choir, and i had forgotten how powerful those combined voices can be. i sat there and cried the entire time, just overwhelmed by the music. it was beautiful.

this year... well, now i have a new story to tell. this was our very first Christmas eve service as the ring community church, and it just thrills me that it just so happens that it's on a sunday. we've been lighting advent candles all month, with the children going up front to learn the significance of each candle every week. that's been hysterical, watching the children come up with answers (the purple candle is for lsu, in case you didn't know...) and cover their ears when josh lights the lighter (a certain dad in our community has acclimated his kids to equate a lighter with fire crackers...) i LOVE that i know these asides! i LOVE being part of a church where i know and love so many people there! after the Jesus candle was lit, josh read the Christmas story from luke 2, and then put up some of the lyrics from "o, holy night":

long lay the world in sin and error pining,

till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

he talked about how this time of year - craziness aside - has a way of reconnecting us to Christ. this night somehow reconnects our hearts, similar to the connection that was made between our hearts and minds when we came to know Christ. the Lord settled me even more, continuing the work in my heart over the past few days as i've fought and bucked the pressure and commercialism of the season. personally, it was a really cool way for the Lord to really speak to me about my attitude and cynicism this year.

afterwards, i love that i got to hug so many necks, to kiss the kids and see old friends... and to make new ones, as well. it was just... good. so good.

and then there is the story about a dark, rainy trip to the cemetery to place the leftover poinsettias on lonely graves... and the story about going to my old church (as in haven't been there in 25 years old church) to attend a candlelight service. it is a beautiful building with high, soaring wooden beams and a massive pipe organ. i definitely figured out where i got my reverential side from. we decided to celebrate communion with them. nate was in line in front of me, and the reverend offered him the bread saying, "this is the Body of Christ, broken for you." she told me the same thing. and then there's scott... she told him not to forget that Jesus really loves him... apparently, he looked like he needed a little something extra. we could hardly hold it together, we were laughing so hard. we seemed to be the only ones there full of love and life... and i don't say that to be judgemental. i love to watch people, and there was a somberness that permeated the very air. there is a difference between being reverent and somber, between holiness and barely beating hearts. the beauty of the building, the reverence, the deadness... contrasted with the beauty of a candlelight service with several hundred people singing "silent night." it was surreal. o, did i mention the banners hanging everywhere, proclaiming REJOICE!

another cool part of the evening... here i am with 4 guys, driving to a church no one has been to but me. i asked them to sing, because their voices are beautiful. imagine us driving down a wet, rainy, dark road, singing to Jesus at the top of our lungs. that's just good stuff.

i love this night and all that it symbolizes. i love the holiness, the joy, the reverence, the laughter, the memories. many of my friends love this season - i love this night. i love that He has seen fit to allow me to experience it in a myriad of different ways, each speaking to my heart in a new way. this year, i celebrated the invasion. not everyone understands or even agrees with that... and that's ok. we are all wired differently, and that's as it should be - that's what makes the Body of Christ so beautiful.

long lay the world in sin and error pining,
till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

yoked

continuing from the last post...

after i wrote the last post, i went to Jesus, heart bare and open before Him. He pointed out 3 things in specific that He wants to deal with. this post will attempt to explore one of them.

a major part of what makes this season so hard is that very few people understand why i'm not pouring coffee. why i didn't go work in retail during the holiday season. why i am not just doing ANYTHING to earn a few bucks here and there to help carry the load. simply put - i can't. He has told me to wait, and i can only listen to Him, even when it makes no logical sense at all. but that's not the real issue at hand.

my mom is suffering, but not because she has had to pay a bill or 2 for me. she hates seeing me in this position because she doesn't understand either. she certainly does not condemn me, and would never push me to just do something, anything, to move past this point in my life. she just loves me. she also loves my sister and her family. our whole family dynamic is in shambles right now... but that's not the point of this post.

since i moved in with her in april, i have had the rare privilege of praying for her. not blessing the food or "simple" prayers like that - really praying over her, interceding for her. that has been such an incredible thing to do. i've been given the front row seat in watching her faith come alive, to see her heart re-engage with the Lord after being shut down for so long under the weight of her life. part of what last night was about was realizing (again) that i am here for a reason, that my time here is not just about me. the Lord is doing really cool stuff in my mom, and i get to be a part of that.

her birthday was a couple of weeks ago. without going into detail, i made her cry. not happy tears, tears of pain and despair. i was absolutely stricken. after all the words, the apologies, the attempts to make her feel better, the only thing i was left with was to pray for her. and let me just tell you, when i say i prayed for her, i PRAYED for her. i sat on her bed, holding her hand, tears flowing, heart open, words pouring out and over her. afterwards, she just held me for a while. it was an amazingly intimate moment with a woman i love, but really don't know very well when it comes down to it. how well do the kids REALLY know their parents, after all is said and done? at the end of the day, how well do you know your mom as a person?

something really cool happened after i prayed for her. i realized that i had never really gone to bat for her as an intercessor. how crazy is that? the peace that i asked the Lord to blanket her with really did, and she has been much calmer and more hopeful... until i open my mouth and say something stupid to hurt her or to cause anxiety again. i don't know why the Lord trusts or expects me to lead my family spiritually, because i keep screwing it up. the downside to living with mom is that i don't have a safe place, a place of refuge, to just vent. to just cry. to just be angry. to be raw and real. these processes are vital to who i am, and they are severely hampered because i am here, in her home, in her presence. my pain affects her, and that effectively (most of the time) puts a cork in my willingness to be transparent and raw in front of her.

downside notwithstanding, i got to see something really cool, just this morning. she was leaving to go to wal-mart for last minute groceries (we are master menu planners...). i was supposed to go with her, but i woke up with a screaming headache, either from crying last night, sinuses, the ointment i am using to treat my eyes... or a combination of all of them. anyway, as she was walking out the door, i made the comment that i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. she tossed over her shoulder that she would keep me in her prayers. as i quipped back "gee, thanks, mom" she offered an aside that floored me - "as if i don't already."

wow. who knew? i didn't know that my mom prayed, much less prayed for me. it made my heart beat faster to know that she is turning to the Lord, petitioning Him for her family. i mean, it makes perfect sense, i just never thought about it. i doubt very seriously that she prays for herself - she is far and away the most selfless person i know - almost to the point of detriment... and that is clearly my job. He wants me to step it up a notch in interceding for my family. i had asked Him a few months ago to burden my heart for my family, because if i am to be brutally honest, i am rarely prompted to pray for them. yes, they drive me crazy, i love them dearly, but our little family is not very close. i see examples of deeply rooted families, but i have never known that closeness... we all pretty much keep to ourselves. sad, i know - which is why i prayed to be more burdened for them.

those 5 little words are the springboard that will make today and tomorrow bearable. they are just a continuation of the work the Lord is doing in our family, and they are a ray of hope in this darkness i find myself in right now. my life, our lives, are one day at a time right now. things are hard, but when i asked Jesus what last night was about, He showed me that while this feels very personal, while it is very personal, He is doing so much more than i can see. He is trusting me to keep turning to Him for answers. this season is not just about obedience and faith, it's about love. His love for me, yes, but more important to my heart, His love for those i love. His all-consuming love that is going to captivate my mom's heart. His constant pursuit that is going to overcome my sister and her family. He is the Glue that will bind this little family together - He is the One that is going to accomplish the healing and restoration that we so desperately need. they don't know what He's up to... but i do. and that knowledge makes my heart a little lighter, my load a little less heavy. i'm yoked up with Him, and He has taken the lead. i'm to follow, to learn by His example... and the beauty of that makes my heart ache.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - matthew 11:28-30

restless

i'm trying to get a grip on this restlessness that has me so tightly in it's grasp.

i remember another time in my life when i was at a crossroads. it was late 2001 - early 2002, and my life was absolutely shattered. there was nothing recognizable about it. in the space of 6 months, 9/11 happened, my husband left me, i discovered his adultery, i lost my home, i lost his family, i graduated lsu with a worthless degree, moved to texas, started a new job, got tangled up in a soul-killing rebound, faced the beginning of bankruptcy and realized that somewhere, somehow, something had gone incredibly wrong. i remember this song playing as i was crossing the mississippi river bridge, headed to texas for what i thought was a new life:

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
--Rascal Flatts

i sit here tonight and let the hurt come back. the tears are flowing and i sense that He is near. i haven't thought much about all that happened back then in a while... i wonder why it is so heavy on my heart tonight.

the older i get, the less pluck i have. i've been down the "movin' on" road a few times in this life, and i can't seem to muster enough of my heart to really, truly, honest-to-God think about actually crossing that bridge again.

i've lost my way. i've lost my heart. i've lost everything - again - and i just do not have it in me to pull myself up by the bootstraps one more time. the difference this time is that i've never faced this, side-by-side with Jesus. the last time i crossed that bridge, i was mad as hell at God. i didn't even look back for a glimpse of tiger stadium - my eyes were looking for the state line.

the Lord has never asked me to leave a place, a community, that i love before. i don't know how. i'm asking Him for absolute clarity - He's asking me for faith. i want the note on the bedside table - He is painfully silent. there will be nothing left for Him to salvage if this keeps up for much longer. He is thumbs-down again, and i don't know that i've ever been lower before Him. it's come to a point where i'm at the mercy of His provision for everything, but every token, every gesture of charity feels like a stone thrown. the very confidence and pride that took me to texas has been totally stripped away and replaced with humility and doubt. how do i move forward with that? broken and bruised instead of confident and cocky.

yet, i see the beauty. isn't that crazy? He has me in this place, this posture of humility, so i guess it's safe to say that i'm suffering for Him. i just don't see how it glorifies Him yet. i would hardly compare this suffering to what paul writes about, but i am suffering. to what end? is there still so much of me that needs to be ripped out that He's broken out the heavy duty pruning shears? i know that at the end of this, i will be more effective for the Kingdom, more Christlike...

you know, my mother has led a life of suffering and loss. i'd rather that not be a generational cycle... but now that i think about it, so have i. what's that about? i think that may be one of the reasons why i'm so restless.

my head hurts from crying. i can't see to write anymore. my heart hurts and i want it to stop. taking my cue from a lesson learned at the retreat, i am letting this hurt overwhelm me - i am consciously allowing it in. there is something here He wants access to, something that He wants to heal... and i'm all about that. so... let's do this thing. Jesus, what is this about?

refocus

i do love this song - all year long...

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night, O night divine, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

--Adolphe Adam - yay wikipedia!

focus

i really dislike this time of year. gasp. ok, so i love Christmas eve, but the season as a whole... not so much.

i realize that, as a follower of Christ, that's pretty close to blasphemy. i know we are supposed to be rejoicing in the birth of Jesus, the fulfillment of God's promise, the humble beginning for the King of kings. i get it. i really do.

it's just that we do that all year - as followers of Christ, we try to imitate His life, we depend on His love, His provision, His sovereignty, His grace - we try to follow His lead as a way of life. it is our life. He is our life. we celebrate that every day. i don't need a calendar to tell me when to do that. i feel this way about thanksgiving, too. i am thankful, everyday. maybe not every second of every day, but i am thankful to God at some point every day of my life.

when you take Christmas out of the holiday season equation, all you're left with is family tension, major stress, unrealistic expectations of familial happiness, and the imaginary money tree in the back yard... it's quite nauseating, actually. with a lot of time on my hands these days, i watch entirely too much tv (i am a csi FREAK). watching the commercials, it seems as though, in stark contrast from previous years, there is much more use of the word "Christmas" than "holiday" this year. that, in some sick way, makes it even worse. the commercialization of such a holy day is disgusting to me...

i was thinking about this earlier when a new thought struck me. i had flipped over to the national geographic channel to watch the dog whisperer. i have discovered, much to my dismay, that that channel is openly atheistic. i realize that it's a science channel, but they take it to a whole new level... anyway, back to the thought. they were advertising a new program that starts on december 25th. december 25th. not Christmas. that may be the first time in my life when that day was referred to as just december 25th. it made me think about the non-Christians in our society, and how this time of year makes them feel. in being honest, i'm pretty sure that i would be disgruntled if the other world religions were shoved down my throat every year for 8 weeks. crap, even as a Christian, i am disgruntled that "Christianity" is shoved down my throat every year for 8 weeks.

i think that's why the card i got in the mail made my heart beat faster (the one i quoted in "invasion") and brought so much joy to my soul. it brought everything back into sharp focus. it reminded me of the larger Story going on here. the birth of Christ was a brilliant strategic move in the ancient and on-going battle of good and evil. it reminded me of the warrior God who loves me so much - loves you so much - that He deigned to leave perfection to become imperfect just to win us back by proving once for all His heart for us.

why do we, as Christians, feel like we have something to prove - some kind of an agenda? why do our chests puff out a little more this time of year? hello? yes, we are to bring His light into the darkness... but we do that by LOVE. love is an all-the-time, day-after-day thing. it's not seasonal.

invasion

i just got a Christmas card in the mail that made me grin from the inside out, with the gleam of battle in my eyes...

under the cover of night...

in a remote village...

the invasion has begun.

intent

this blog is, and always has been, a way for me to think through things, to tell stories of what the Lord is doing in my life, to share my victories and my struggles with my readers, in hopes that you will find some reassurance that you are not alone in the things you struggle with.

however, when my thoughts and struggles, made public by this blog, become an instrument for hurt, division or strife, it no longer serves the original intent of this blog. i never intend for my words to cause harm.

seasons

my spirit is very unsettled tonight. i decided to turn on the radio by my bed, hoping that the local Christian station would have a good mix of Christmas hymns and worship songs to soothe me... this song began just as i got the station dialed in and the volume set. i love how He does that.

weak and wounded sinner
lost and left to die
o, raise your head,
for love is passing by
come to Jesus
come to Jesus
come to Jesus and live!

now your burden's lifted
and carried far away
and precious blood
has washed away the stain, so
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus and live!

and like a newborn baby
don't be afraid to crawl
and remember when you walk
sometimes we fall... so
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus and live!

sometimes the way is lonely
and steep and filled with pain
so if your sky is dark
and pours the rain, then
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus and live!

o, and when the love spills over
and music fills the night
and when you can't contain your joy inside, then
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus and live!

and with your final heartbeat
kiss the world goodbye
then go in peace,
and laugh on Glory's side, and
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus and live!

--untitled hymn (cry to Jesus) by chris rice

yearn

a quiet roar in my heart...

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek
and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion over You
and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing
and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU
I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU
AND ONLY YOU
LORD I WANT TO YEARN

(acts 17:25-28, hebrews 12:28-29)

yearn --shane barnard