my desire

i've been vacillating between trust and fear, believing lies and standing on the Truth - kind of a spiritual schizophrenia of late - reminiscent of david in the psalms. it's all i can do to leave home right now. if things keep going the way that they are, i won't be able to get out of bed soon. i managed to drag my butt out of the house this afternoon, with much emphasis on the dragging... and as always, on the days that we really, really, really don't want to do something, it's because we are really, really, really supposed to do it. knowing that to be true, i found enough stubbornness in me to drag myself out of the house for a pleasant afternoon with my niece and my partner in crime (aka paula, aka the dynamic duo), and then onto church.

on the way home tonight, this song was playing in my truck. my spirit was rejoicing, because i see the Lord doing such a work, and He's allowing me to be a part of that work - i'm just really blown away. then the lyrics of this song began to seep into my soul, and i was instantly humbled and thrilled, all at the same time. i don't think i can adequately express why this hit me so hard. the Lord has promised me restoration, warned me against pride, and called me to serve Him in ways that i never imagined - which is EXACTLY what this song is about... it was a gift from my King on a day when i really, really needed it.

good thing i was already inside the gates to my condo... my spirit began to worship instantly, which means that my eyes closed and my hands raised... i'm pretty sure the Lord parked my truck for me...

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King

You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

Chorus:
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

(Chorus)

All my life I have seen where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give my hands to use

(Chorus)

--My Desire by Jeremy Camp

offering

as made apparent by my rant in the last post, i need words of Life and Love to fill my soul. below is an email sent by a woman at the retreat to her sisters... i offer these words to you, in love and peace, praying you are fully alive in Him this day.

Hello Everyone,

I've been reading how everyone has been having a hard time readjusting to life in the valley...and you are so not alone. The things we experienced were so real. Don't forget that. I keep remembering the talk that Leigh gave about being a woman who is truly alive. And she spoke about God not calling you to a bigger "to do" list in your life, but a life of subtraction. Sometimes when we get away and are really able to focus (maybe for the first time ever) on what God wants to say to us and we actually HEAR his voice and feel that he truly loves us...it's so powerful. We we re-romanced in a powerful way up at 9000 ft. We were left breathless (literally!) by the beauty of creation, the snow he kissed us with, the bouquets of friendship he delivered daily, and the intimate ways he called each one of us out... it really was perfect. Eden must have been something like that. The longing to be there again is good. The lover of our souls waits for the time when we will steal away to be with him again. But he also longs to meet us where we are. He knows the responsibilities we have... jobs, spouses, children, grandchildren :-), they are good things given to us by him. We were in the presence of the Holy Spirit. While we may not be able to "retreat" from the life we've been given daily, we can ask the Lord to fill us with his Spirit daily. He wants us to. Keep taking your question to him... journal, pray, those times of silence were powerful... listen. He's still speaking. He still wants to come. Is there time for him to come? Even for a few minutes? Who or what keeps cutting in when you're dancing with him? Call it what it is and fight for your heart. You are worth it. On page 217 in your Captivating book there are a couple of paragraphs at the top that I like to use in my classes. I take the "you" and change it to'"I" and read it out loud over myself. These things are the truth no matter what my circumstances or situations might be telling me. It's powerful. I encourage you to do it. Your brain listens to you speak... the good and the bad. Let your words work for good for your heart. "I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed. As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty." Don't give up. You are worth fighting for.

subtle

we were told at the retreat to expect opposition - i even had the post title ready - "backlash"... what i've found instead is a subtle erosion that is so much more damaging. instead of outright attack, which i recognize instantly and know how to fight, i'm experiencing a gradual blah-ness that is sucking me dry. even now, new lies are creeping in to replace the old ones, and they are hard to identify and therefore very difficult to fight.

this current round of lies is less about me being too much and are more about me being too little - lacking. the things that make me who i am - things that i have always liked about myself - have now been called into question, and let me just tell you, it sucks.

i just relented on my anti-myspace stance, and i really wish i hadn't. i was there long enough to jump around from page to page, and realized that most of my friends and my community are out there. i also realized that either i have a decided lack of desire to be cool and have no sense of humor at all, or that i'm really, really dull. just a new twist on old lies, but it sucks just the same.

"a place for friends"? that's bullshit. it's a place to see who has the most friends, who can say the coolest thing, who can play the coolest music or use subtle (or not) manipulation with clever one-liners in the comment section. you can keep it. better yet, realize that you are loved just because you are who you are, surrender the need to be cool or hip or whatever, delete your page and pretend you never heard of such a place.

our pastor talked about how he fears the upcoming elder election has the potential to be comparable to a homecoming court - a popularity contest - instead of the intended process in which the Body prayerfully nominates our newest leaders... i felt the same way the first time i inadvertently jumped on a myspace page via a changed link to someone's blog, and i feel the same way tonight. i have enough battles to fight without going back to high school... or was that middle school? come to think of it, we were worried about the coolness factor in elementary school, for Christ's sake.

to avoid an all-out rant, and to avoid the risk of further offending anyone, i'll stop here. oh, i have many, many thoughts running through this brain right now, but for once, i think i'll act like the grown-up that i am, and stop before too much damage is done... yes, i'm openly acknowledging that i realize i have stepped on some toes. that happens from time to time - and i'm ok with that.

i'll stick to my blog. it's more for me than anyone else - if God chooses to use it in the lives of others, then that's great. if it offers words of love and life, then that's great, too. but i can tell you this with all honesty - my blog is not a place for competition or popularity - it's a place to share my thoughts and give God glory for what He's done and what He's doing in my life.

there are no agendas here - hidden or otherwise - you have my word on that. can you say the same about your space?

humbled

i don't know if it's because the anniversary date of my marriage is approaching, or because i am involved in a divorce ministry right now, but this story has come to mind several times over the past week or so, and when that happens, i generally figure it's a story that needs telling.

a couple of years ago, the entire Body at pbc did the purpose driven life by rick warren, together, as a church for 40 days. the Lord accomplished a couple of things in my life through that study - this is one story.

one sunday morning, a few weeks into the study, the Lord really threw me for a loop. He sent me on a mission... more like a forced cooperation. there are few times in my life where He has actually forced me to do something, but this is one of those times. it was either obey or i couldn't live with myself because of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. ever feel that way? let me just tell you that it did not matter how much whining, begging, kicking, screaming or refusing that i did, i was going on that mission - period.

so why so much fuss? well, the marching orders were not to my liking - at all. He told me to go to my ex-in-law's house, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness (did i mention that he left me for another woman?) for my part of the marriage failing. my reaction? not no, but hell no. that's right - that's exactly what i told Him... and He just looked at me. total silence. your dad ever give you that look that says, "you are going to do this, you are going to do exactly as i say, right now" and he never had to say a word? yeah, like that. so off i went, fussing and cussing the whole way.

i walked into the house, asked to speak to him, and we went outside. i asked his forgiveness for failing him, for the things that i had done wrong throughout the 13 years we were together, things that hurt him, or things i could have done differently - that i was sorry that the marriage failed, and asked him to forgive me. and i meant it. i took responsibility for my role in what had gone wrong, owned it and asked him to forgive me for it. and he did. and i left...

and He sent me back. oh - i was FURIOUS. you can only imagine what that conversation with the Lord was like - what do You mean, i'm not done? i did exactly as You asked AND i was sincere on top of that. i'm not going back - You are insane... and He gave me that look again. dang it. so i turn around, fussing and cussing even louder than before - and went back to apologize - to the woman he had left me for. that's right... to the woman he committed adultery with, to the woman who basically gave her kids to him when i was not able to even have kids, to the woman living in my home, to the woman who had stolen my identity, had impersonated me and seduced my husband from me...

i tell you her actions only to give you an idea of what He was asking me to do - NOT to keep a list of wrongs - please understand that. the enormity of what He wanted was unbelievable.

so back up the driveway i went. back into the house i went. his whole family was waiting to see what i was going to do next - they were already in shock from the first visit. you could hear them audibly suck in a collective breath when i turned to her and asked to speak with her - alone, outside. i think his mom actually edged toward the phone, ready to dial 911... no one dared say a word. in retrospect, i believe it was the Lord's hand all over that situation. i was there on His orders, after all...

anyway, i looked her in the face, and told her why i was there. before i could even tell her why i needed her forgiveness, she said, "of course i forgive you - i don't have anything against you." i almost decked her - i mean, i almost TOOK HER OUT. i think the Lord physically restrained me - i know He forced my flesh down and reminded me why i was there - to obey and honor Him - not to lose control and go to jail. so... i politely told her that while i appreciated her forgiveness, i wanted to be clear on what i was actually asking her forgiveness for. i asked her to forgive me for judging her. nothing else. she was in a profession that is... rather unconventional, and i stood in judgment of that. true enough, so i was actually sincere in asking her forgiveness... and she forgave me, only to start talking about Christ, and how she had been going to church with his mom... here is a woman, guilty of all that is written above, who stripped for a living, talking to me about Christ... it was like hearing a demon talking about Jesus. all i could think was "breathe... ann, you have to breathe." many years later, i know that Jesus came for the sinners - myself included - but at the time, i didn't know if i wanted to throw up or shoot her or myself. i managed to thank her for forgiving me and walked away, gagging. i know now that i was reacting to all the foul spirits that positively enveloped her, but at the time, i was just sick.

but then something happened that was totally unexpected - as if all this wasn't unexpected enough - i mean, really... how much can one heart take in a day??? as i walked down that driveway for the last time - i was free. i was free! i was free from the sin of unforgiveness. i was free from the sin of judgment. i was free from the anger and the ties that bound me to that family. i had obeyed, and i was free. i cried all the way home, thanking Him for making me go, for not letting me remain in that sin that was holding me back from growing with Him any longer... sin that i didn't even really know was there.

all these years later, i had the chance to tell that story to someone last week... and the Lord used it in their life. forgiveness is SO powerful, that all these years later, a single act of obedience is still affecting lives. how cool is that?

objectified

i woke up this morning in a bit of a snit.

i'm not sure why - typically, i'm the quiet sort in the early hours (anything before noon qualifies as "early" - yay unemployment!) - it's a throw-back to my married days, when any word spoken around my ex was said at my own risk. growing up, casting off the bowline before 5 was not unusual, so this leave-me-alone-before-the-first-cup-of-coffee is learned behavior, and one that i suppose i should correct.

back to the snit... although this pleasant trip down memory lane has done wonders for my snittiness...

someone please tell me when it became ok to view people as objects? men - since when is it ok to look at a woman and see her as a sex object? women - this is an equal opportunity snit - since when is it ok to look at a man and see him as a sex object?

although this post is going to explore part of the "women as sex objects" theme, i'm not letting women off the hook - not by a long shot. anything written here applies to us, as well. but admitting that is going against my snit, and it is my snit and my blog, so...

ok class - can someone tell me what God created last? or rather, who? that would be eve. and let me just tell you - she was not an afterthought, an "oh, dang, I'd better make a help meet [gag] for adam." she was the crowning glory of creation. His final extravagant finishing touch. His pièce de résistance. (add french accent here)

in case you have any doubts as to the veracity of my answer, see genesis 1-3 (and further explored in captivating). i mean, really read it. get into the story, feel the emotion, the wonder, the excitement in heaven as all the angels SHOUTED for joy. in case familiarity has lessened the impact of the story for you, remember that this is not just a story - it's how we came into being. it is our story. it cannot possibly be more personal than that.

yes, i know - sin entered the picture and it's been hell ever since. but that does not, i repeat DOES NOT, excuse the behavior and thought-attitude that still exists today - especially within the church. there are few things more sickening than seeing lust lurking around the men - and women - of the church... but not because it's "dirty" or "perverted" or whatever. it sickens me because it is a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem. yes, we have desires to be loved, to be held, to experience the intimacy that God created for a couple to thoroughly enjoy together. however, to let those desires dictate our behavior, our thoughts, our choice of a mate... if i had to guess which sin God hates the most (yes, i know - sin is sin - just go with me here) i would say that lust is definitely in the top 5. i say this because it is so damaging, not only for the one wrapped up in it, but for the object of someone's lust, as well.

desire, physical attraction, intimacy - these longings were created by God. gasp. these are good things when considered in the context of Christ-centered relationship. but they are so easily twisted into ugly, hurtful things when the desire for them exceeds our desire for intimacy with Jesus. no, don't check out yet - stay here with me for a minute.

although there are several horrible results that we could consider, let's just look at the one that is prevalent in the church. when someone is wrapped up in lust, the end result can easily be a poor choice in a mate. let me just tell you, from experience i might add, that physical attraction does not a marriage make. it helps, to be sure. this observation is valid for both genders - lust begets manipulation - in the form of seduction, inappropriate pursuit, and obsession.

it seems to me that a life-long commitment damn well better be centered on something other than physical attraction. for us single folk, that's what we want, right? to be part of something larger than ourselves (you married folk have already figured this out) and that something has to be rooted and established in love - in Christ's love - and that cannot include lust.

lust is a twisted version of true desire, true attraction - lust objectifies someone into something.

admittedly, i am no expert on what a Christ-centered relationship should look like. thankfully, we have several married couples within our community that are great examples of covenant relationship, and they do us the huge favor of not hiding their affection/attraction for one another - not flaunting it, but not hiding it, either. but i can say with confidence that while the success of their relationship may be enhanced by physical attraction, it is not the cement that keeps them committed when the shit hits the fan.

what happened to faith? what happened to trust? what happened to being comfortable in our own skin, able to be alone, but not lonely? what happened to waiting on the Lord, knowing His heart for us - that He is for us? although this started as a snit, it's not meant to bring on guilt or condemnation. it's meant to encourage us to open our eyes, to question our motives, to examine ourselves and our thoughts - and bring them to God. He is the only One who will ever truly satisfy us, even if/when we are married.

wrapping this back to the message from sunday about surrender - true surrender is stepping away from something and letting God handle it - it is His problem anyway, right? by all means, let's step away - consciously step away - from trying to manipulate our own thoughts or manipulate others. let's focus on deepening and strengthening our relationship with Christ. without that depth, we are toast. life continues to come at us, year after year, bringing joy, success, pain, death... if your life is not centered in Life, then you don't stand a chance.

fluid, v2

i was unsettled and discomfited with the previous version, so i thought i would give it another shot... i'm still not completely satisfied with it, but i'm tired of looking at it... i am my own worst critic.

i finally went to talk to my pastor late last week about this whole counseling thing - my exact question was, "am i smoking crack?" i just can't seem to get away from the oddness of it all - me, a counselor? come on... that is surreal to me.

i need to be very careful how i tell this part of the story, so as not to put words in his mouth, or to give any incorrect impressions about what he had to say about it. please read only what i write here, and nothing else - there are no lines to be read between. the basic response to the crack question was that personality really has very little to do with a person's ability to counsel others. it is much more about a person's giftings (YES I USED THAT WORD ON PURPOSE) - a person's God-given discernment, a person's ability to speak Truth in love, to be bold when necessary and a willingness to battle on behalf of another...

he also asked me why that particular school, and he mentioned a very specific counseling approach that i embrace but didn't have a name for - the gist is very prayer-focused, discernment-driven and Biblically-based counseling. he mentioned that there are several schools in the area (meaning less than 2000 miles away) that offer training with that particular focus - it has some big churchy name, but it escapes me at the moment... i don't think i can clearly tell you how my heart reacted to that news - i was thrilled that there are schools close to home to consider, while at the same time trying not to let my flesh react - i didn't want to jump all over that bit of news and drop all thoughts of seattle to satisfy my desire to be here, with my family, my community and my church.

i told my mom about his thoughts on the matter. she was thrilled, or so i found out tonight... she decided to come to the ring tonight, and my mom - the non-demonstrative, demure woman that she is - walked straight up to my pastor and hugged his neck! come to think of it, i can't remember the last time she hugged me... the look on his face over her shoulder must have mirrored my own look of surprise and disbelief. in shock, i asked her why she felt the need to hug his neck - she said that when i told her that he mentioned that there are other schools closer to home, she made a promise that the next time she saw him, she was going to hug his neck - and hug she did. i had no idea she felt that way about me leaving. wow.

later the same evening, i was talking with a friend, trying to put into words what the Lord is showing me through all this. we discussed the sermon tonight - part of it centered on different approaches to "surrender" - most people look at it as letting go of something in our effort to be "good" or "worthy" or whatever. tonight, we looked at it more in line with what God's Word has to say about it. we are not our own, we were bought for a price, and when He bought us back, He paid for our lives as well as our problems... so to realize that when we talk about surrender, we are actually surrendering something to Him that is already His. we can step aside and let God be God, admitting that our efforts to disentangle our lives are futile - that He is the One that is responsible for rendering sin (and the enemy) powerless in our lives - all we have to do is get out of His way, and to be ready to trust Him with whatever direction He chooses to give us...

as josh stated, that should change the way we think about what Jesus actually accomplished on the Cross - and out of that realization, our surrender should then be motivated by deep gratitude, never obligation.

we also talked about the fact that He has given me freedom to respond to Him out of my love for Him, not out of obligation or legalism or fear... one of the cool perks of this blog is that i have a record of what He is doing in my life that i can read over (and over and over) and begin to connect some of the dots. what i am beginning to understand is that He points me in one direction to get my thoughts going that way, and then He seemingly changes the plan on me...

just look at what's happened since i was laid off. He pointed me to grad school, only to shut the door at lsu. He gave me a job in the lab, not as a source of long-term provision, but primarily so that i would receive one phone call that set off a series of events that lead to deep healing, and developed the desire in me to walk with others out of the darkness. He pointed me to the captivating retreat, to develop an intimacy with Him that i have never known, and pointed me to a person who asked me a question that i didn't know needed asking - was i looking for a school in Biblical counseling, or a school that focused on modern psychology with a Christian twist? more recently, He has set up a series of conversations that dispel fear, reveal possible motivations of obligation and strict obedience and has, in effect, shown me that He has given me the freedom to respond and react out of my love for Him. isn't that what our lives are supposed to look like, anyway?

life with the Lord is full of twists and turns, as you well know. i'm learning that what He shows me is fluid - it's constantly in motion, but it becomes clearer when i take it one step at a time... that it's not His plan that's changing - it's my understanding that changes, as i gain depth of intimacy, as i seek Him, as i learn to trust His heart toward me...

so what does this all mean? He wants to honor my desire to counsel others - just possessing that knowledge is truly amazing. where and when does He want that to happen? who knows? seattle? here? philly? (which wouldn't surprise me a bit - random people from here seem to end up in philly...) all that really matters is that i keep my heart open to Him, listen for His voice, stay alert and open, but not jump the gun... all i have to do is be ready and willing to do whatever He asks, understanding that i will know what He wants when He chooses to reveal it to me - when i know, i'll know. in the meantime, i think it's kinda fun to watch Him cause the sand to settle to the bottom after being kicked up and disturbed for so long... He has a way of soothing me that is unlike anything i've experienced before.

thanks for reading... really

i stole the title for this post from a friend who has not blogged since january... i'm pretty sure that makes it up for grabs... or not, but it expresses what my heart is trying to say perfectly.

this is my 100th post, amazingly 1 year to the day after i began this blog - i'm not sure if i should celebrate, or if i should beg your forgiveness for ridiculously long posts... either way, knowing that you are out there, knowing that you care enough to read, knowing that He is using this blog in my life and yours - it is a blessing to share my life and my thoughts with you.

thank you... really.

seriously, part 3

the saga continues - this dance of one step toward the bank, immediately followed by a step toward school...

i was called in for pre-employment testing the day after i resigned from lsu. i was called in for an interview within minutes of sending off for grad school information. i interviewed twice when i got back from colorado, only to get the sense that i had reached the end of that road.

i had to go to the bank today to take care of some business for my mom. i have become pretty chummy with the branch manager - she is the one that encouraged me to apply in the first place. as i am sitting in her office, she takes it upon herself to email the hiring manager to see what the deal is, because if they are not considering me for the branch i applied for, then she wants me to apply for a different location - more money, closer to home, and under her area manager, which means that we would be working very closely together... which would be really quite a blessing, in and of itself, because she and i were instant friends the moment we met. how great it would be to actually work with a woman who actually likes me... the professional world is so vastly different from my community - i love my girls, but professional women can and usually are quite brutal.

i kid you not - as she is typing the email to the hiring manager, my phone rings. i didn't answer it for obvious reasons... when i checked my voicemail once i left the bank, guess who had called? that would be the grad school in seattle, wanting to set up a phone interview...

at first, i thought these series of events were a test - a 'pick door number three' type deal. now, i'm more inclined to think that the Lord is timing them together for a reason - perhaps to show me that He is all over this. i am, after all, going to need a job while i'm there... i'm at a point where my money is gone. i've been hugely blessed not to have had to work for the past 7 months, but even now, He's telling me to hurry up and wait. i constantly fight the "you're a bum" thought, and have refused to take matters into my own hands - He's told me not to look at my circumstances, He meant it, and i'm listening, for once.

so, at the moment, i'm off to mexico. i have several back-to-back trips planned after that, with the whole month of october pretty much booked solid, traveling here and there. that's another blessing - i've been all over the place since i got laid off, and it's cost me almost nothing... i get the sense that He is showing off His sovereignty - that whatever decision i make regarding taking this job, He's still sending me to school next fall. in the meantime, it's up to me to take a little pay-the-bills job to avoid being a burden on my mom, or i can choose to take the much higher paying job that will allow me to pay off my truck, help my mom whittle away at her debt, save for the move and firmly establish myself in an easily transferable position... yeah, He's got this one... and i may have actually passed the test, after all!

at the end of the day, my prayer remains the same - Your will, now and always. open and shut the doors, so that i am led directly to You.

ache

i've had several friends ask me to expound on abide, but let me start with the caveat that these are really my thoughts on a theme much more thoroughly and clearly presented in much of john eldredge's work.

a lot of the healing work in our hearts begins when we invite Jesus to journey farther into the ache. this requires a lot from us - initially - beginning with a desire to find healing and restoration. it also requires a willingness to face the hurt, and that requires strength and courage that comes from Him alone. it requires us to be in a place of longing - for Him, and all that He came to offer.

as we face that longing, we cannot help but ache. but this is where people get confused. longing and aching are good things, as long as we are hungering for Him, or the desires He has placed in our hearts. we are so very far from the way He intended things to be - from walking in fellowship with Him - that the ache is a natural result of being so far from that reality. i believe that the ache is an echo of His heart - His longing to return to us. if this is true, and i have every reason to believe that it is, then we are actually talking about 2 types of ache - the ache that stems from the longing for His return, and the ache that stems from the wounds that our hearts have sustained along the way - and our desire to be healed from those wounds.

the good news is that once we are in that place - once we have journeyed with Him to the place where the ache dwells - Jesus does the rest. He is the One that heals, He is the One that speaks words of love, forgiveness, redemption and restoration... He speaks eternity into our hearts.

in the hours since i began this post, i have discovered that He's not going to let me off the hook: if i'm going to write about ache, then i get to experience it too... and He wants me to use that ache as as illustration. i guess He wants a real-life, real-time demonstration... yay.

ok, so here goes. i got really angry today (tuesday). i mean, really angry. out of the blue, while i was taking a break from writing this post, i got slammed with anger. i was furious with my ex-boss for choosing me, out of the entire team, as the expendable one. it was an unexpected emotion, to be sure. since my thoughts were centered so much on "journeying into the ache" i decided to do just that, to see what this is all about.

it's a rather abstract process to try to describe... i just focused in on my heart, on the pain there, and asked Jesus to show me what was going on - why there is still such ferocious anger there. notice that there is an invitation for Him to be there with me, for Him to be the One to guide me through the murky places inside my heart. remember, my goal is for Him to have ALL of me - to not withhold anything, any part of me from Him. there is no room for self-condemnation, guilt, or anything else in this process - only naked honesty. i mean really - He knows everything anyway, so why try to hide it with a leaf? so to use josh's beautiful analogy, picture me with my chest open, under the Surgeon's lamp, heart exposed to that Light - not thinking, not praying, just bare and vulnerable before Him, letting Him proceed at His pace, letting Him guide me through all the emotions into the core of the ache.

what He showed me may not seem like revelation to you, but to me, it was astounding. and it made a way for healing to occur, because i understood for the first time that i wasn't just mad about losing my job, i was mad because, of that entire team, i am the one who actually cares about philip, about his life outside of work, his marriage, his kids, him as a person, and him as a man of God. i was the one always pointing him to Jesus, and i'm the one who got canned. it was and is a personal loss, and i'm grieving more than the loss of a job - i'm grieving for my friend, and the poor decisions he continues to make.

unexpectedly, He also showed me that there is fear lurking in my heart. He's done a great job of teaching me to look at Him, not my circumstances, but there is still a part of me that is scared to death that i won't be able to pay my bills. my money will be completely gone this month. that's a miracle - who gets to not work for 7 months? apparently me, by His grace... but now we are to the point where it's not a matter of me spending money wisely, it's a matter of no money at all, and none coming in the foreseeable future. He's told me He's got this, that i'm to look at Him, but He also showed me that i'm in danger of faltering - of wavering in my faith. how cool is that? He chose to point out danger ahead, instead of just letting me fall into the trap... and i use the word "trap" intentionally. fear is not of the Lord - it is an effective tactic of the enemy that works time and time again, and works like a charm - it keeps us paralyzed and taken out. He gave me a chance to avoid the trap.

this is so not where i thought this post was going. i'm going to sleep on it, and revisit it tomorrow.

so, today (wednesday) i've been thinking about what He wants from this post. in the meantime, i've written more about His faithfulness in seriously, part 3, and watching how quickly He responded to the trap of fear has me breathing easier already... and it doesn't really matter if i get that job or not - it's His response time that's blowing me away...

but how does all this wrap back to aching and longing? well, in the real-time demonstration He had me give you yesterday, He took me into a part of my loss that i had not considered - the loss of my friend, and the loss of my ability to keep him looking to (or at least considering) Jesus. 2 huge losses that i had not recognized or dealt with yet... more healing.

another aspect to consider here is our longing for... what? you name it. is it tangible, like a home? or is it intangible, like your desire for love and acceptance, respect and... let's just be real here (it is my blog - i can do that here) what about our desire for glory? NO, not self-glorification - His glory displayed in and through our lives... to be part of something grand and glorious and so much larger than ourselves. for us single folk, that can mean being part of a couple. for all of us, that can mean having the courage to step out of mediocrity and into Life, to step out of fear and into Light. for me, it can mean having my heart beat more loudly for Him than even the for the ring... go with Him there, and see what He has to show you. go on, it's safe. He is good, even as He is wild and jealous and wonderful.

ok, on to the ache. longing creates ache. wounds create ache, as well. go with Him there, too. oh, yay. He wants another demonstration... this post is costing me a lot. but i dare not tell Him no, so...

obviously, over the summer, He dealt with the wound of losing my dad at sea. He's not done with the wounds - not by a long shot. there are many, and they are ugly. the messages that come with the wounds are uglier still. you are hard. you are unworthy of love. you are invaluable as a mate because you can't have kids. you are not a virgin, so no man of God is going to want you - he deserves ALL of his wife. you have too much baggage - too much past. your sexuality is warped because you were abused - raped, molested, taught too much at the hands of anger or lust rather than love. i'm using the word "you" intentionally, because i know you struggle with something - but these are my "things". yes, these are the messages of some of the wounds i've sustained over the years - most of them before the age of 15. but NO, the messages are NOT TRUE. so said Jesus... when i invited Him into the ache. He showed me that they are lies, meant to keep me out of the glory God intends for my life. yes, all those events happened to me, and He is so pissed at the enemy. He told me that, too. not only am i forgiven, redeemed and restored - ALL of me - i am avenged. God's justice will always prevail.

but here's the thing. i would not know these things - really KNOW them to be true because He told me so Himself - if i had not invited Him to go there with me, if i had not allowed Him to deal with me, ever so gently, to expose the lies, to bathe and dress the wounds, and to heal my heart. He taught me to embrace the wound, to own it and to give it to Him. this didn't happen overnight, and it's not finished. there are days when i flat out tell Him no, that we're not going there. and so He waits... just there, for me to stop, slow down, to enter into His presence, to press into Him when He feels far away... to press into the longing, into the ache, into Him.

yes

i could be wrong - and that would be ok with me - but i think the Lord is calling me away, to go to school in seattle.

yeah, i know - i'm the only person i know that loves hot, sultry southern air, and He wants to send me to a place where it's cold and rainy. in fact, i can think of SEVERAL reasons why i don't want to be called away to seattle, the first of which is my heartbeat for the ring. He's the One that gave me supernatural cpr and started my heart beating for my community, my girls, my church, my family... why would He do that only to send me on my way? in thinking about that, it's occurred to me that He may have developed a deep and abiding love for my community, so that the ache of leaving assures that i will return.

i suppose i should begin at the beginning. part of what i mean when i say that my heart beats for my girls is that i desire to walk through life with them, to cry and laugh and vent and rage and to spur each other on - to be available, to offer Life, strength and encouragement to them. spinning from that desire is a desire to live my life fully alive from Him, for His kids - to not pour so much of myself into a job that i don't have anything left to give. but not just that - i desire to be able to really help, not just point people to a counselor when i see a need. i want to be able to help them recover their hearts, to live fully in the heart of God. that's not self-glorifying - that is just a deep desire that i didn't know was there...

a dear friend of mine told me tonight (sunday) that God putting me in the position to point people to counselors is a place of honor - and hearing those words, meant as encouragement, were soul-killing to me. why is it that one day offers words of life, and the next manages to make me feel less than worthy to serve my Lord?

in the grand scheme of things, all He cares about is that i'm willing to go where He sends me... which brings me back to the original thought for this post. my heart hesitates over the thought of moving so far away, of leaving my community and my friends - my family. but more honestly, i want to be in a place where my heart does not hesitate before the Lord - i want to say YES and mean it - without question, and without hesitation.

back to the story - sorry about the tangents - He placed a longing in me to learn from Him how to counsel His kids - how to really dig in and allow Him to heal their hearts and allow Him to set them free. this desire began as a vague aversion to return to corporate america and began to take shape toward the end of summer in the form of a search for a Christian grad school that offers a program in Biblical counseling - not modern psychology with a Christian spin on it. this very tiny, fragile seed of an idea has been slowly growing for a few months now. during the retreat, several things happened that seem to affirm that desire was from Him... one of the very first conversations i had thursday afternoon was with one of the ransomed heart team. during the course of that conversation, a specific school and a specific man were mentioned. i kid you not - at least 5 more times over the next few days, either the school or the man was brought up in conversations with random people - so much so that by the time i got back to the denver airport sunday afternoon, i was in serious "You have got to be kidding me" mode.

i deliberately booked a late flight out, to avoid any potential travel issues - which meant that i had about 4 hours to kill by myself in the airport. i love airports, so not a big deal - i was actually looking forward to people-watching for several hours... until He hit me with these series of conversations. i tried to read - only to get 2 paragraphs into the book, when i ran across the man's name. i about threw the book across the room... i spent those 4 hours praying, complaining, demanding clarity (yeah, that works...), agonizing over what seemed to be a new revelation about His calling on my life - the distance, the responsibility, the warfare, the glory of being allowed to be a part of seeing His kids set free... i was beside myself. i was spiritually spent and weary to the very core of who i am. i finally stopped complaining and just asked from somewhere deep inside of me for Him to please give me more clarity, more true sense of calling, more of Him. He really does have a sense of humor, you know... the guy to my right on the plane? reading a book - the chapter title that i caught? "the benefit of counsel". the girl to my left? reading a book - on finding happiness through anti-depressants. seriously.

when i say i was beside myself, i really mean it. i didn't want to pray anymore, and i didn't want any more "signs." i put on the headphones to listen to the tower chatter - not distracting enough. i took them back off, only to put them right back on again to listen to the in-flight movie - which was so of the world my spirit just could not take it after such an intense weekend, so off the headphones came, once again. then i could not stop thinking, so back went headphones on, this time listening to tower chatter from flight zone to flight zone. it really was quite interesting, as we changed flight altitude several times to avoid turbulence, then we had to divert around weather in texas, so i got the reprieve that i wanted... until i was walking down the jetway after we landed in new orleans. a man behind me struck up a conversation with me - he had just returned from... you guessed it - seattle. and to top that particular incident off - he is a professional photographer, and knew my dad. craziness...

now, i'm not one to believe in coincidence, nor am i one to make life decisions based on "signs" that seem to point in one direction or another. call me crazy, but i lean heavily on affirmation - maybe confirmation is a better word. in this instance, i want absolute clarity before i up and move 2000 miles away - but not just because my life is here, my church, my community, my family are all here. it really has more to do with the responsibility of the call.

who am i? seriously, who am i to think that i might be able to help those in crisis? everything in my life, up to the retreat, pointed to agreements that i made with the enemy that i have renounced - i am unapproachable, too intense, not empathetic enough... blegh, blegh, BLEGH. talk about feeling unworthy...

ok, so this is going in 10 different directions. let's look at the Truth, instead of opinion and discouraging encouragement. i have seen much tragedy in this lifetime. i am bound to see more. i uniquely understand many hurts, and that understanding gives me insight that you cannot have without having been through a particular trial. through the healing process over the summer, the Lord created a desire in me to spend my life walking others out of the darkness, back into His light. i need to be equipped and trained to do that - the calling is deeper than coffee shop ministry. i think He wants me to take it a step further - to go to school, to receive the training and knowledge that i need so that i can take on the mantle of responsibility that such a calling requires me to shoulder.

it may sound trite, but i believe that the Lord never wastes a hurt. i believe that He wants to use the tragedies in my life to help others - that they did not happen in vain. for me to just allow Him to heal me, and to not offer that healing to others... that would be the real tragedy.

so where does all this leave me? at the moment, confused. praying for clarity - for open and shut doors. i have begun poking around the school website and the job market there. interesting side note - i may finally figure out why i have a degree in forest management - the major employer up there is weyerhaeuser... i worked for them as an undergrad. i even found the perfect job - straight up the mountain from school, working for the forest service with government housing, to boot. problem there is, i found the job listing 6 hours too late... so, i'm praying through it. i'm seeking to be obedient by opening myself to the opportunity He may have placed before me. i'm scared half to death that He's serious, and i'm asking Him for a steadfast heart - one that says yes just because He loves me, has proven Himself faithful to me over and over again, and is deserving of my full attention, loyalty and faith.

heartcry

i recently just put into a formal thought the fact that there are many different types of prayers. i realize that there are categories of prayer like confession, supplication, worship, asking, etc., but as an intercessor, my tendency is to pray for others and rarely myself. that's not exactly conducive to a relationship with the Lord... if i am praying for others all the time, then how can i be listening to and responding to Him? hmmm...

i realize that this seems contradictory to the inward-focused heart work that the past several months worth of posts have centered around. i guess the difference in my mind is that heart work is just that - work. intercessory prayer for someone is different. prayer for myself is different still. this post is about the latter.

if you've read captivating, then you are familiar with the authors' stories about how intimate the Lord can be - just because He loves us and desires to show that love in crazy ways. for john, it was a huge whale breaching in front of his eyes. for staci, it was a cove full of starfish just for her.

it took me awhile to really get focused in on the fact that i was actually going to the retreat. i was distracted by a million different things in the weeks leading up to the retreat, especially the week that i left. i did not have much time to prepare my heart, to focus in on what i wanted to accomplish, much less what He wanted to accomplish. so i started reading captivating again, trying to get focused... and that's where this story picks up...

i began reading on the flight to houston. i didn't get very far, just far into it enough to reaquaint myself with the overall message of the book. i remember closing it in preparation for landing in houston, eyes shut, just focusing on my heart and trying not to think - to let my heart speak instead. i felt a silent cry go out to Him - not really a cognitive thought - for something from Him to speak to my heart - something undeniably from Him straight to my heart. silly as it sounds, if i had to put that heartcry into words... i wanted snow. but not just snow - it's not that uncommon in the higher elevations of the rockies in september - i wanted snow that was undeniably from Him to me.

i don't really remember the layover in houston, and i cat-napped on the flight to denver. did i mention that i had been up since 9:30 wednesday morning, and by the time i got to denver, it was 26 hours later? can we say punchy? but that's a different story. suffice it to say that i did not think about much - particularly about that heartcry - for the rest of thursday. that day was spent traveling, meeting a hundred women in the denver airport, traveling some more, getting registered and settled in, etc... all stories for a different time.

the session thursday night set the tone for the rest of the weekend, and by friday noon, i was totally overwhelmed by the hurt, loneliness, and despondency around me. i mean, i was floored. i found myself praying overtime - in total intercession mode - for these broken and bleeding hearts around me - so much so that i actually had to put in a prayer request to the on-site intercessors to pray for me - that i could focus on myself and my heart instead of those around me. that sounds selfish, but what good am i for anyone else if i don't address my own issues - if i don't let the Lord in and draw near to Him? i ended up see-sawing a lot - going back and forth in heart work for myself, and being unable to not pray for the women and the team there. i guess, in retrospect, that they go hand in hand. the closer i drew to the Lord, the more open my heart became to Him, and of course, the more open and aware i became of His heart for the women there. it was a beautiful dance.

friday night helen, a new friend, told me that she had spent the day crying, and i told her that i was unable to really delve deeply to where my tears dwell - i'm not much of a crier - and she promptly told me that saturday was my day. i'm laughing now at how right she was...

to put it mildly, the morning session on saturday was intense. seriously intense. it centered around His desire to be the Lover of our souls, the One in whom we trust and love and look to before anyone else in our lives. i was engaged, but being the intense person that i already am, i was not overly emotional. in reality, i was so amazed by the truth of His love, the beauty of the message that He has given ransomed heart, and the absolute need for that truth to become so pervasive in my life that it becomes just part of who i am, of who we are. i don't know if it was planned, or if staci just sensed the intensity of that moment, but she decided to take a break. she ended the session by saying that there will never be a man in our lives like the Man... and then...

the back doors of the conference center flew open, and it was snowing so hard, it was coming in sideways! i absolutely lost it. i burst into tears - no, that's not right. i completely broke down, sobbing uncontrollably because i knew - i knew - that this was from Him. He had given me a vision the night before of me dancing in the snow with Him. i was floating in the hot tub, ears underwater to isolate myself from the chatter around me, and gazing up at the silhouette of the mountains and the stars and i saw just a flash, no more than an instant - just enough to make an imprint on my heart, barely my mind - of dancing in the snow with Him. as the doors flew open and the snow flew in, the women collectively gasped in wonder and awe and everyone ran outside to play in the snow. i'm not sure how i made it outside, i just remember dropping to my knees in the snow, heart bursting with joy.

helen came up to me and said, "let's make snow angels!" so we did, in joyous abandon. then we got up and danced a jig... and He spoke to me again, "you are dancing with Me." i was laughing and crying, wrapped in His love, completely abandoned to the joy of the moment - of Him. someone said later that no one could have punctuated staci's statement that way except Jesus. and how!

we went back into session, only to come out again an hour or so later to find the snow almost completely gone - like it had never happened... and then it snowed the rest of the day, and the rest of the night. someone out there has pictures of us in the hot tub, hair covered in snow and ice. the wind was blasting, snow was landing in our eyes - it was glorious.

staggered

they played this song at the retreat. you may know it, but i have never heard it before. it blew me away. i felt His gaze on me, steady and strong. the truth of His unassuming grace struck me - the vulnerability and strength He displays in not forcing Himself on us - we are free to choose Him - He risks His heart, waiting just there for us - all of us - to risk Him.

i am staggered by Your beauty - Your unassuming grace... wow.



i have been blind, unwilling to see
the true love You're giving
i have ignored every blessing
i'm on my knees confessing
that i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i have been wrong about You
thought i was strong without You
for so long nothing could move me
for so long nothing could change me
now i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am captured by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
[Bridge:]
You are the air that i breathe
You're the ground beneath my feet
when did i stop believing?
cause i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i can't hide
now hear my confession
hear my confession
--- my confession josh groban

breathe

one of the most amazing things about our God is His wisdom - His knowledge that we would need places to go that allow us to breathe - places that are big enough for our spirits to expand and to stretch. there is something about being dwarfed by the land around you that is somehow reassuring to your soul... that the God who created those majestic peaks is so much bigger than even they... some people say that the vastness of the wilderness makes them feel insignificant. i didn't feel that way at all - i felt free.

everything about me is big but me. there's a whole lot of personality, a whole lot of brokenness, a whole lot of dreams and love and desire in there, and i rarely find a place where it is safe, welcomed even, to allow all of me to come out. i've somehow bought into the lie that i am too much. too bold, too passionate, too serious, too self-focused, too intense, too wounded, too scarred, too broken, too whatever - and i renounced that lie in the presence of God. i am not too much - you are not too much - we are the image-bearers of God.

invitation

one of the most amazing things about the ransomed heart team is their willingness and desire to invite me - each one of us, really - into the vision and the message that the Lord has given to and entrusted them with. i have never felt so intimately welcome, cherished, valued and encouraged just because i am His daughter. i don't need any special skills, any particular life experience, anything to define me and to give me worth and value in their eyes except for my love for Jesus, and His for me. what an amazing balm to my heart!

Jesus invites us into the hard places, the hurting places, but He also invites us to dance with Him, to come aside, to be silent before Him, to sing and to cry and to just be still with Him. He invited me away for a walk with Him, showing me the beauty of His creation. He invited me to pray with women from all over the world - and He burdened many women to pray specifically for me - specifically hands on, praying down the Kingdom of Heaven prayer that speaks so directly to my heart... and He created an inescapable need in me to pray even more boldly and incessantly for the team and the women there... that, in and of itself, is a miracle. it's a heart shift away from myself and toward the needs of others. i'm not talking about being willing to serve in a shelter or muck out a flooded house after katrina, and i don't mean searching for a career in Jesus. i've seen many people with hearts to serve others that don't truly live daily for Him - myself included. i realize that you can't truly love Jesus and not have that permanent shift happen eventually, but it's really quite an experience to recognize it as it's happening...

i know Jesus more intimately now than ever before. i've heard about camp highs - how i pray that this is so much more than that! i pray that it is a permanent shift toward Him. i pray that i continue to realize that the invitation stands - all the time - that He waits, just here, for me to turn to Him, to experience all that life has to offer with Him. naive? simple? perhaps...

and perhaps that's ok. perhaps it's ok to live simply trusting Him. perhaps that's the beauty of the invitation... perhaps, just perhaps, it's ok to live my life seeking Him in everything, everywhere, in everyone. i never considered myself a minimalist, just a pretty low-maintenance kind of girl. i don't ask for much... then again, maybe that's what He's been trying to show me.

He told me on that walk that i don't ask for the big things - that i've stopped asking for much - or maybe i've stopped believing that "much" is what i want. i know now that i want a lot - of Him. i intend to accept His invitation to live my life with Him... and that doesn't mean vocationally, or seeking some place to serve, or seeking a "normal" life - i don't even know what that means! i just want to live deeply from my heart, fully alive in Him, all the time. i want that Life to overflow into everything else about me, and into everyone else around me... as josh says, get the vertical right, and the horizontal falls into place...

that invitation is extended to you, as well. there is beauty, there is danger, there is a villian and a Hero to this story we are invited into. will you be content to watch from the safety of mediocrity, or are you willing to step forth, hand stretched out to the One who invites? yes, there will be suffering and sorrow. yes, there will be joy and triumph. yes, there will be hardship and grief. and YES, there will be life in abundance. there will be adventure and romance and love and loss, but we travel together, toward eden.

john eldregde writes in epic, "We have reached the moment where we, too, must find the courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. The hour is late, and much time has been wasted. Aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table... This is our most desperate hour. You are needed."

abide

one of the things we were invited into during the retreat was to open our hearts to the desires that dwell there, to the wounds driven so deeply there, and to journey farther into the ache - to ask Jesus to meet us in that place.

what an amazing concept - to journey farther into the ache. most of us try to stifle it, to ignore it, or to deny it altogether. but to be invited to actually go there, to embrace it, to own it, and then to abide there with Him... wow. there is so much healing that He wants to accomplish - so much He wants access to that i've not acknowledged, much less given Him permission to enter in and to heal.

i am not discounting the tremendous work He had already begun in my heart. He is doing HUGE things in my heart and my life. He just wants more. image that. i've allowed Him into ugly, hurful places in my heart, and He's not repulsed - He wants more.

shimmer

this is the first of several posts about the captivating retreat. you may get sick of hearing about it, but i have to record what happened while it's still fresh in my mind. i don't want to forget one second of it...

God's presence was so thick you could not escape Him if you wanted to. the beauty of the rockies in the fall was enhanced - magnified - by His presence... it's as though the very air around me shimmered with Him... it reminds me of the scene in genesis, just before He began to create the earth...

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. - genesis 1:2

covered by a canopy of prayers, God's Spirit hovered over us. it's as though we could reach out and touch His face. He was there in the stillness of the night, the beauty of uninhibited worship, the heartwrenching sobs and shouts of perfect joy - He was everywhere... and He was magnificent.

come away

i had chosen not to write this post, but it has stayed on my heart and comes repeatedly to mind, so i figure i need to see it in writing, or i'm meant to share it with you. you should know by now that i do not fear transparency, but i think i hesitated to write this one because i know how much i am loved by my community - if i had written this when it happened, you guys would have been beating down my door to stage an intervention.

got your attention yet? good. the claim i make on my blogger profile - you know, the one that says i'm too serious most of the time? true enough, but this is more serious than most. ready?

i've been going through a hard time this year. it's been a struggle. but it had not really descended into depression until the summer. i was in pretty bad shape - not able to get out of bed, not caring if i got out of bed, for that matter. headaches all the time, crying every day, blanketed by a hopelessness totally uncharacteristic for me - all this to the point where even my mom and my sister had never seen me that way, and didn't quite know what to do with me.

i was thoroughly sick of myself, my situation, my life, my struggles - all of it. i found myself in the Word one night, trying to backtrack to the point in my life where things had really gone wrong. i was thinking back to early march when i was looking for a house to buy for me and mom. had i gone wrong there? should i not have called off the house hunt when i found out i was losing my job? should i have trusted the Lord to provide and just stayed on the path i believe He had sent me down? confused, i was praying specifically about the house and told the Lord the i really needed to hear from Him. i flipped open my Bible and landed in 2 kings 20:1 -

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

my reaction? i laughed. hard. i thought to myself, well that's fine. going home to Jesus sounds a whole lot better than staying here... then it struck me - i was actually ok with dying, rather than living one more second inside this body and this life. not suicidal, just ok with the thought of dying. you can say that got my attention...

wondering why He would send me to that passage - i mean, really, how often does the word in your mind actually end up in the passage you turn to? - i read the whole thing to get the context:

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, "Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life." 1:1-6

my reaction? i didn't want those 15 years - not one second of them. here is a perfect example of intercession - dude prayed for himself and was allowed to intercede for himself - and i wanted nothing to do with it. let me just say that, as the reality of my state of mind sank in, it scared the crap out of me.

it scared me enough to send me all the way to florida in a very short period of time. the few people i did tell about it, i downplayed it big-time. but the ugly, scary truth was that i had to seek out the Lord, and i had to do it right away. as John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, He leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore our soul. (psalm 23) this was not a 'hit your face in the bedroom or prayer closet' crisis - i had to be willing to do anything He asked of me to go to Him. i had to suck up the cost of a plane ticket and put aside all reservations i had about going (hello? unemployed here!). i had to go away, to come aside, to get away from everyone and everything, and go to the Lord. i also had to be willing to listen, and to allow Him to do whatever it was He wanted to accomplish in me. the other posts about the trip go into more detail about the work He did in my life, but that's not what He wants from this post.

i think the point is this - we need... no. we must - stop. we must stop believing that we can do this on our own. we must stop believing the lie that we can't afford the time or the money to go away. it is critical, to our lives and to our relationship with the Lord. we must stop believing the lie that things will fall apart if we go away. i really hate to break it to you, but if the Lord calls you away, the world here is not going to stop functioning in your absence. in fact, we will be better off once you return, restored and renewed in your faith and love for Him, and in the work He has called you to. we need all of you, not a burnt-out shell of you.

He has called me away, one more time. i have learned to listen to Him, to realize that He wants something from me - that He desires time with me. will the bank still want to interview me when i get back? maybe. if it's of Him, then yes. my obedience is not going to screw up my chances for employment here - it will bring me the clarity and healing that i so desperately desire. after all, we are talking about the God of the Universe here. God Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth. The Creator. The Sovereign Lord. The Lord of Hosts (angel armies). Yeah, He's got me covered.

I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous...
-God (Joshua 1:5-6 - NASB)

allies

going back to the past weekend in ft morgan...

friday was spent visiting katie's parents in foley and snorkeling off the beach at the condo. i haven't snorkeled since my dad was lost... i found it's kinda like riding a bike - once you know, you know. in fact, i think i'm more comfortable in the water than on land - but that's another post for a different day.

everyone else arrived friday night. not everyone knew each other, but they all knew me and katie, and they all go to the ring... plenty of common ground. my heart continued to burst at the level of intricacy that He went to for us. i know for me, every room, every balcony, every hallway - everywhere i went - was filled with people i love. my heart could hardly stand it.

it gets even better. the strain that i've seen so clearly on so many dear faces began to ease. there was laughter, joy, eagerness to experience all the weekend had to offer - freedom to just live in a community of people you love, and who love you in return. some people were sad, some reprieved, some relaxed, some struggling, some hurting - but we all went away together, and the Lord bound us to one another in a way that could not have happened otherwise.

we had at least 4 community groups represented there. so many friendships were strengthened and solidified... and then we came home to a message about going to battle for each other, in individual lives and as a church. it could not have been more appropriate. the more we get into each other's lives, the more we know each other - our strengths AND our weaknesses - the more effectively we can battle on behalf of one another. that can only happen by choice. we have to choose to become vulnerable, in order to become strong.

josh made the point that there's no use in trying to pretend that we don't struggle with sin issues. i could not agree more. in fact, i would add that we contribute to the overall struggle of the Church to be real and authentic in a world that is desperate for authenticity when we try.

who wants to go someplace where everyone has it together? i've said it before, and i'll say it again - i'd be the first one out the door if i thought for one second that i was the only one in the place struggling with something - and defeated on a pretty regular basis. this blog is the perfect example of my point. i don't have all the answers. i have lots and lots of questions. i get angry, sad, hurt, exuberant, confident, cocky, humble - all the while living and learning about Jesus in a community of people who are "guilty" of the same things... and that's the point. He is the point. life is messy. so? do any of us think for one second that Jesus is surprised by our antics? according to His Word, we are the image-bearers of God. we are made new. we were given new hearts, and that heart is good - it has to be - it's from Him.

so here's the question - what are we afraid of? each other? Him? the world? our sin?

and here's the good news - get over it. you are going to make mistakes. people are going to not like you. you are going to struggle with some sin issue all your life - even if you are sinless, the pride of sinlessness will get you. so give it over, already. and while i'm at it - false humility and brokenness aren't going to cut it.

i can hear the "yes, but" already. i am not saying staying in sin is ok. i'm basically expounding on the themes paul explores so thoroughly in the letter to the romans. i am saying that we will remain in defeat as long as we try to hide from each other.

so how did i get from ft morgan to sin? simply this - we are in the midst of a battle. we are at war. how can we fight effectively for one another if we don't stop, admit our faults, ask for help, let people into our lives and become allies of the heart? what a beautiful picture of the Bride if we do... and what a stupid battle to lose if we do not. He gives us untold opportunities to come together as a community. He lavishes His love and grace on us. i don't believe that He does these things by happenstance. we would be wise to take advantage of His wisdom... after all, He is the Man with the plan.

think about it - how honoring would it be to the Lord if we just accepted Him at His Word? we are blessed. we are chosen. we are loved. we are forgiven. we are redeemed. we are accepted. we are adopted. it is enough... He is enough.

after all, it's not about us anyway, now is it? it's about coming fully alive for the Kingdom. it's about letting our hearts beat strongly in Him, and for Him, and yes, from Him. it's about letting go of our fear and letting Him in - letting each other in - becoming allies of the heart, battling side by side for as long as He allows us. this point in the life of our church will never be here again. we get to experience this - no one else. why do you think that is? the Kingdom needs us. He is equipping us to do His work here and now, in this Body, in this time. by all means, let's obey the call to arms. let's obey the call to fellowship. let's obey the call to HIM.

seriously, part 2

so this "next step" journey is playing out as expected.

i spent the morning looking at Christian grad schools, delving more deeply into my desire to serve the Lord and His kids through Christian counseling. i even found a school and contacted them for more information... which is confusing, because my heart beats so strongly for the ring, it's hard to understand why He would call me away. i'm not saying He is, i just have to be open to all possibilities right now. He didn't bring me through the past 8 months of hell just for kicks - He was preparing me for the next season.

i kid you not - 5 minutes after sending that request - guess who called to set up an interview? thankfully, i was on the phone with my sister and they left a voicemail. honestly, i don't want to interview this week - if at all - i have serious doubts as to whether this is a path i want to choose at all... i left that side of banking 10 years ago for a reason. i don't want to find a job so that i can earn a paycheck. i want to serve my Lord. i also want to help my family. Lord, please help me trust in Your provision, so that i can choose wisely.

i feel like i'm playing a divine game of chess. it's my move, and i really want to put the match on hold long enough to go to colorado. there is more heart work to be done in me, and i'm committed to allowing the Lord full access to me - all of me. i want to be able to focus on Him, rather than worry about finding a job... i'm much more concerned with finding my calling.

Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

yes indeed

i've been writing this post in my head for days, and i still don't know how to articulate what i want to say.

we got to the condo late thursday night. after getting everything out of the car, i settled in by turning off all the lights and letting the light of the full moon illuminate the rooms. i wandered around the condo, struck by it's beauty - the physical beauty of the condo, the natural beauty of the beach and the waves, but so much more than that - i was positively overwhelmed by His presence.

my heart was overflowing, bursting with joy at His nearness. if Jesus had walked in and sat down on the bed, i would not have blinked an eye, He was so real. we sing songs about His extravagance, the Word talks about how He loves to lavish us with grace and all good things... but i didn't have a clue until that night what we were singing about. not really.

i flipped my bible open, and landed in isaiah 52. 3 words jumped off the page at me:

it is I.