subtle

we were told at the retreat to expect opposition - i even had the post title ready - "backlash"... what i've found instead is a subtle erosion that is so much more damaging. instead of outright attack, which i recognize instantly and know how to fight, i'm experiencing a gradual blah-ness that is sucking me dry. even now, new lies are creeping in to replace the old ones, and they are hard to identify and therefore very difficult to fight.

this current round of lies is less about me being too much and are more about me being too little - lacking. the things that make me who i am - things that i have always liked about myself - have now been called into question, and let me just tell you, it sucks.

i just relented on my anti-myspace stance, and i really wish i hadn't. i was there long enough to jump around from page to page, and realized that most of my friends and my community are out there. i also realized that either i have a decided lack of desire to be cool and have no sense of humor at all, or that i'm really, really dull. just a new twist on old lies, but it sucks just the same.

"a place for friends"? that's bullshit. it's a place to see who has the most friends, who can say the coolest thing, who can play the coolest music or use subtle (or not) manipulation with clever one-liners in the comment section. you can keep it. better yet, realize that you are loved just because you are who you are, surrender the need to be cool or hip or whatever, delete your page and pretend you never heard of such a place.

our pastor talked about how he fears the upcoming elder election has the potential to be comparable to a homecoming court - a popularity contest - instead of the intended process in which the Body prayerfully nominates our newest leaders... i felt the same way the first time i inadvertently jumped on a myspace page via a changed link to someone's blog, and i feel the same way tonight. i have enough battles to fight without going back to high school... or was that middle school? come to think of it, we were worried about the coolness factor in elementary school, for Christ's sake.

to avoid an all-out rant, and to avoid the risk of further offending anyone, i'll stop here. oh, i have many, many thoughts running through this brain right now, but for once, i think i'll act like the grown-up that i am, and stop before too much damage is done... yes, i'm openly acknowledging that i realize i have stepped on some toes. that happens from time to time - and i'm ok with that.

i'll stick to my blog. it's more for me than anyone else - if God chooses to use it in the lives of others, then that's great. if it offers words of love and life, then that's great, too. but i can tell you this with all honesty - my blog is not a place for competition or popularity - it's a place to share my thoughts and give God glory for what He's done and what He's doing in my life.

there are no agendas here - hidden or otherwise - you have my word on that. can you say the same about your space?