yes

i could be wrong - and that would be ok with me - but i think the Lord is calling me away, to go to school in seattle.

yeah, i know - i'm the only person i know that loves hot, sultry southern air, and He wants to send me to a place where it's cold and rainy. in fact, i can think of SEVERAL reasons why i don't want to be called away to seattle, the first of which is my heartbeat for the ring. He's the One that gave me supernatural cpr and started my heart beating for my community, my girls, my church, my family... why would He do that only to send me on my way? in thinking about that, it's occurred to me that He may have developed a deep and abiding love for my community, so that the ache of leaving assures that i will return.

i suppose i should begin at the beginning. part of what i mean when i say that my heart beats for my girls is that i desire to walk through life with them, to cry and laugh and vent and rage and to spur each other on - to be available, to offer Life, strength and encouragement to them. spinning from that desire is a desire to live my life fully alive from Him, for His kids - to not pour so much of myself into a job that i don't have anything left to give. but not just that - i desire to be able to really help, not just point people to a counselor when i see a need. i want to be able to help them recover their hearts, to live fully in the heart of God. that's not self-glorifying - that is just a deep desire that i didn't know was there...

a dear friend of mine told me tonight (sunday) that God putting me in the position to point people to counselors is a place of honor - and hearing those words, meant as encouragement, were soul-killing to me. why is it that one day offers words of life, and the next manages to make me feel less than worthy to serve my Lord?

in the grand scheme of things, all He cares about is that i'm willing to go where He sends me... which brings me back to the original thought for this post. my heart hesitates over the thought of moving so far away, of leaving my community and my friends - my family. but more honestly, i want to be in a place where my heart does not hesitate before the Lord - i want to say YES and mean it - without question, and without hesitation.

back to the story - sorry about the tangents - He placed a longing in me to learn from Him how to counsel His kids - how to really dig in and allow Him to heal their hearts and allow Him to set them free. this desire began as a vague aversion to return to corporate america and began to take shape toward the end of summer in the form of a search for a Christian grad school that offers a program in Biblical counseling - not modern psychology with a Christian spin on it. this very tiny, fragile seed of an idea has been slowly growing for a few months now. during the retreat, several things happened that seem to affirm that desire was from Him... one of the very first conversations i had thursday afternoon was with one of the ransomed heart team. during the course of that conversation, a specific school and a specific man were mentioned. i kid you not - at least 5 more times over the next few days, either the school or the man was brought up in conversations with random people - so much so that by the time i got back to the denver airport sunday afternoon, i was in serious "You have got to be kidding me" mode.

i deliberately booked a late flight out, to avoid any potential travel issues - which meant that i had about 4 hours to kill by myself in the airport. i love airports, so not a big deal - i was actually looking forward to people-watching for several hours... until He hit me with these series of conversations. i tried to read - only to get 2 paragraphs into the book, when i ran across the man's name. i about threw the book across the room... i spent those 4 hours praying, complaining, demanding clarity (yeah, that works...), agonizing over what seemed to be a new revelation about His calling on my life - the distance, the responsibility, the warfare, the glory of being allowed to be a part of seeing His kids set free... i was beside myself. i was spiritually spent and weary to the very core of who i am. i finally stopped complaining and just asked from somewhere deep inside of me for Him to please give me more clarity, more true sense of calling, more of Him. He really does have a sense of humor, you know... the guy to my right on the plane? reading a book - the chapter title that i caught? "the benefit of counsel". the girl to my left? reading a book - on finding happiness through anti-depressants. seriously.

when i say i was beside myself, i really mean it. i didn't want to pray anymore, and i didn't want any more "signs." i put on the headphones to listen to the tower chatter - not distracting enough. i took them back off, only to put them right back on again to listen to the in-flight movie - which was so of the world my spirit just could not take it after such an intense weekend, so off the headphones came, once again. then i could not stop thinking, so back went headphones on, this time listening to tower chatter from flight zone to flight zone. it really was quite interesting, as we changed flight altitude several times to avoid turbulence, then we had to divert around weather in texas, so i got the reprieve that i wanted... until i was walking down the jetway after we landed in new orleans. a man behind me struck up a conversation with me - he had just returned from... you guessed it - seattle. and to top that particular incident off - he is a professional photographer, and knew my dad. craziness...

now, i'm not one to believe in coincidence, nor am i one to make life decisions based on "signs" that seem to point in one direction or another. call me crazy, but i lean heavily on affirmation - maybe confirmation is a better word. in this instance, i want absolute clarity before i up and move 2000 miles away - but not just because my life is here, my church, my community, my family are all here. it really has more to do with the responsibility of the call.

who am i? seriously, who am i to think that i might be able to help those in crisis? everything in my life, up to the retreat, pointed to agreements that i made with the enemy that i have renounced - i am unapproachable, too intense, not empathetic enough... blegh, blegh, BLEGH. talk about feeling unworthy...

ok, so this is going in 10 different directions. let's look at the Truth, instead of opinion and discouraging encouragement. i have seen much tragedy in this lifetime. i am bound to see more. i uniquely understand many hurts, and that understanding gives me insight that you cannot have without having been through a particular trial. through the healing process over the summer, the Lord created a desire in me to spend my life walking others out of the darkness, back into His light. i need to be equipped and trained to do that - the calling is deeper than coffee shop ministry. i think He wants me to take it a step further - to go to school, to receive the training and knowledge that i need so that i can take on the mantle of responsibility that such a calling requires me to shoulder.

it may sound trite, but i believe that the Lord never wastes a hurt. i believe that He wants to use the tragedies in my life to help others - that they did not happen in vain. for me to just allow Him to heal me, and to not offer that healing to others... that would be the real tragedy.

so where does all this leave me? at the moment, confused. praying for clarity - for open and shut doors. i have begun poking around the school website and the job market there. interesting side note - i may finally figure out why i have a degree in forest management - the major employer up there is weyerhaeuser... i worked for them as an undergrad. i even found the perfect job - straight up the mountain from school, working for the forest service with government housing, to boot. problem there is, i found the job listing 6 hours too late... so, i'm praying through it. i'm seeking to be obedient by opening myself to the opportunity He may have placed before me. i'm scared half to death that He's serious, and i'm asking Him for a steadfast heart - one that says yes just because He loves me, has proven Himself faithful to me over and over again, and is deserving of my full attention, loyalty and faith.