humbled

i don't know if it's because the anniversary date of my marriage is approaching, or because i am involved in a divorce ministry right now, but this story has come to mind several times over the past week or so, and when that happens, i generally figure it's a story that needs telling.

a couple of years ago, the entire Body at pbc did the purpose driven life by rick warren, together, as a church for 40 days. the Lord accomplished a couple of things in my life through that study - this is one story.

one sunday morning, a few weeks into the study, the Lord really threw me for a loop. He sent me on a mission... more like a forced cooperation. there are few times in my life where He has actually forced me to do something, but this is one of those times. it was either obey or i couldn't live with myself because of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. ever feel that way? let me just tell you that it did not matter how much whining, begging, kicking, screaming or refusing that i did, i was going on that mission - period.

so why so much fuss? well, the marching orders were not to my liking - at all. He told me to go to my ex-in-law's house, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness (did i mention that he left me for another woman?) for my part of the marriage failing. my reaction? not no, but hell no. that's right - that's exactly what i told Him... and He just looked at me. total silence. your dad ever give you that look that says, "you are going to do this, you are going to do exactly as i say, right now" and he never had to say a word? yeah, like that. so off i went, fussing and cussing the whole way.

i walked into the house, asked to speak to him, and we went outside. i asked his forgiveness for failing him, for the things that i had done wrong throughout the 13 years we were together, things that hurt him, or things i could have done differently - that i was sorry that the marriage failed, and asked him to forgive me. and i meant it. i took responsibility for my role in what had gone wrong, owned it and asked him to forgive me for it. and he did. and i left...

and He sent me back. oh - i was FURIOUS. you can only imagine what that conversation with the Lord was like - what do You mean, i'm not done? i did exactly as You asked AND i was sincere on top of that. i'm not going back - You are insane... and He gave me that look again. dang it. so i turn around, fussing and cussing even louder than before - and went back to apologize - to the woman he had left me for. that's right... to the woman he committed adultery with, to the woman who basically gave her kids to him when i was not able to even have kids, to the woman living in my home, to the woman who had stolen my identity, had impersonated me and seduced my husband from me...

i tell you her actions only to give you an idea of what He was asking me to do - NOT to keep a list of wrongs - please understand that. the enormity of what He wanted was unbelievable.

so back up the driveway i went. back into the house i went. his whole family was waiting to see what i was going to do next - they were already in shock from the first visit. you could hear them audibly suck in a collective breath when i turned to her and asked to speak with her - alone, outside. i think his mom actually edged toward the phone, ready to dial 911... no one dared say a word. in retrospect, i believe it was the Lord's hand all over that situation. i was there on His orders, after all...

anyway, i looked her in the face, and told her why i was there. before i could even tell her why i needed her forgiveness, she said, "of course i forgive you - i don't have anything against you." i almost decked her - i mean, i almost TOOK HER OUT. i think the Lord physically restrained me - i know He forced my flesh down and reminded me why i was there - to obey and honor Him - not to lose control and go to jail. so... i politely told her that while i appreciated her forgiveness, i wanted to be clear on what i was actually asking her forgiveness for. i asked her to forgive me for judging her. nothing else. she was in a profession that is... rather unconventional, and i stood in judgment of that. true enough, so i was actually sincere in asking her forgiveness... and she forgave me, only to start talking about Christ, and how she had been going to church with his mom... here is a woman, guilty of all that is written above, who stripped for a living, talking to me about Christ... it was like hearing a demon talking about Jesus. all i could think was "breathe... ann, you have to breathe." many years later, i know that Jesus came for the sinners - myself included - but at the time, i didn't know if i wanted to throw up or shoot her or myself. i managed to thank her for forgiving me and walked away, gagging. i know now that i was reacting to all the foul spirits that positively enveloped her, but at the time, i was just sick.

but then something happened that was totally unexpected - as if all this wasn't unexpected enough - i mean, really... how much can one heart take in a day??? as i walked down that driveway for the last time - i was free. i was free! i was free from the sin of unforgiveness. i was free from the sin of judgment. i was free from the anger and the ties that bound me to that family. i had obeyed, and i was free. i cried all the way home, thanking Him for making me go, for not letting me remain in that sin that was holding me back from growing with Him any longer... sin that i didn't even really know was there.

all these years later, i had the chance to tell that story to someone last week... and the Lord used it in their life. forgiveness is SO powerful, that all these years later, a single act of obedience is still affecting lives. how cool is that?