ache

i've had several friends ask me to expound on abide, but let me start with the caveat that these are really my thoughts on a theme much more thoroughly and clearly presented in much of john eldredge's work.

a lot of the healing work in our hearts begins when we invite Jesus to journey farther into the ache. this requires a lot from us - initially - beginning with a desire to find healing and restoration. it also requires a willingness to face the hurt, and that requires strength and courage that comes from Him alone. it requires us to be in a place of longing - for Him, and all that He came to offer.

as we face that longing, we cannot help but ache. but this is where people get confused. longing and aching are good things, as long as we are hungering for Him, or the desires He has placed in our hearts. we are so very far from the way He intended things to be - from walking in fellowship with Him - that the ache is a natural result of being so far from that reality. i believe that the ache is an echo of His heart - His longing to return to us. if this is true, and i have every reason to believe that it is, then we are actually talking about 2 types of ache - the ache that stems from the longing for His return, and the ache that stems from the wounds that our hearts have sustained along the way - and our desire to be healed from those wounds.

the good news is that once we are in that place - once we have journeyed with Him to the place where the ache dwells - Jesus does the rest. He is the One that heals, He is the One that speaks words of love, forgiveness, redemption and restoration... He speaks eternity into our hearts.

in the hours since i began this post, i have discovered that He's not going to let me off the hook: if i'm going to write about ache, then i get to experience it too... and He wants me to use that ache as as illustration. i guess He wants a real-life, real-time demonstration... yay.

ok, so here goes. i got really angry today (tuesday). i mean, really angry. out of the blue, while i was taking a break from writing this post, i got slammed with anger. i was furious with my ex-boss for choosing me, out of the entire team, as the expendable one. it was an unexpected emotion, to be sure. since my thoughts were centered so much on "journeying into the ache" i decided to do just that, to see what this is all about.

it's a rather abstract process to try to describe... i just focused in on my heart, on the pain there, and asked Jesus to show me what was going on - why there is still such ferocious anger there. notice that there is an invitation for Him to be there with me, for Him to be the One to guide me through the murky places inside my heart. remember, my goal is for Him to have ALL of me - to not withhold anything, any part of me from Him. there is no room for self-condemnation, guilt, or anything else in this process - only naked honesty. i mean really - He knows everything anyway, so why try to hide it with a leaf? so to use josh's beautiful analogy, picture me with my chest open, under the Surgeon's lamp, heart exposed to that Light - not thinking, not praying, just bare and vulnerable before Him, letting Him proceed at His pace, letting Him guide me through all the emotions into the core of the ache.

what He showed me may not seem like revelation to you, but to me, it was astounding. and it made a way for healing to occur, because i understood for the first time that i wasn't just mad about losing my job, i was mad because, of that entire team, i am the one who actually cares about philip, about his life outside of work, his marriage, his kids, him as a person, and him as a man of God. i was the one always pointing him to Jesus, and i'm the one who got canned. it was and is a personal loss, and i'm grieving more than the loss of a job - i'm grieving for my friend, and the poor decisions he continues to make.

unexpectedly, He also showed me that there is fear lurking in my heart. He's done a great job of teaching me to look at Him, not my circumstances, but there is still a part of me that is scared to death that i won't be able to pay my bills. my money will be completely gone this month. that's a miracle - who gets to not work for 7 months? apparently me, by His grace... but now we are to the point where it's not a matter of me spending money wisely, it's a matter of no money at all, and none coming in the foreseeable future. He's told me He's got this, that i'm to look at Him, but He also showed me that i'm in danger of faltering - of wavering in my faith. how cool is that? He chose to point out danger ahead, instead of just letting me fall into the trap... and i use the word "trap" intentionally. fear is not of the Lord - it is an effective tactic of the enemy that works time and time again, and works like a charm - it keeps us paralyzed and taken out. He gave me a chance to avoid the trap.

this is so not where i thought this post was going. i'm going to sleep on it, and revisit it tomorrow.

so, today (wednesday) i've been thinking about what He wants from this post. in the meantime, i've written more about His faithfulness in seriously, part 3, and watching how quickly He responded to the trap of fear has me breathing easier already... and it doesn't really matter if i get that job or not - it's His response time that's blowing me away...

but how does all this wrap back to aching and longing? well, in the real-time demonstration He had me give you yesterday, He took me into a part of my loss that i had not considered - the loss of my friend, and the loss of my ability to keep him looking to (or at least considering) Jesus. 2 huge losses that i had not recognized or dealt with yet... more healing.

another aspect to consider here is our longing for... what? you name it. is it tangible, like a home? or is it intangible, like your desire for love and acceptance, respect and... let's just be real here (it is my blog - i can do that here) what about our desire for glory? NO, not self-glorification - His glory displayed in and through our lives... to be part of something grand and glorious and so much larger than ourselves. for us single folk, that can mean being part of a couple. for all of us, that can mean having the courage to step out of mediocrity and into Life, to step out of fear and into Light. for me, it can mean having my heart beat more loudly for Him than even the for the ring... go with Him there, and see what He has to show you. go on, it's safe. He is good, even as He is wild and jealous and wonderful.

ok, on to the ache. longing creates ache. wounds create ache, as well. go with Him there, too. oh, yay. He wants another demonstration... this post is costing me a lot. but i dare not tell Him no, so...

obviously, over the summer, He dealt with the wound of losing my dad at sea. He's not done with the wounds - not by a long shot. there are many, and they are ugly. the messages that come with the wounds are uglier still. you are hard. you are unworthy of love. you are invaluable as a mate because you can't have kids. you are not a virgin, so no man of God is going to want you - he deserves ALL of his wife. you have too much baggage - too much past. your sexuality is warped because you were abused - raped, molested, taught too much at the hands of anger or lust rather than love. i'm using the word "you" intentionally, because i know you struggle with something - but these are my "things". yes, these are the messages of some of the wounds i've sustained over the years - most of them before the age of 15. but NO, the messages are NOT TRUE. so said Jesus... when i invited Him into the ache. He showed me that they are lies, meant to keep me out of the glory God intends for my life. yes, all those events happened to me, and He is so pissed at the enemy. He told me that, too. not only am i forgiven, redeemed and restored - ALL of me - i am avenged. God's justice will always prevail.

but here's the thing. i would not know these things - really KNOW them to be true because He told me so Himself - if i had not invited Him to go there with me, if i had not allowed Him to deal with me, ever so gently, to expose the lies, to bathe and dress the wounds, and to heal my heart. He taught me to embrace the wound, to own it and to give it to Him. this didn't happen overnight, and it's not finished. there are days when i flat out tell Him no, that we're not going there. and so He waits... just there, for me to stop, slow down, to enter into His presence, to press into Him when He feels far away... to press into the longing, into the ache, into Him.