fluid, v2

i was unsettled and discomfited with the previous version, so i thought i would give it another shot... i'm still not completely satisfied with it, but i'm tired of looking at it... i am my own worst critic.

i finally went to talk to my pastor late last week about this whole counseling thing - my exact question was, "am i smoking crack?" i just can't seem to get away from the oddness of it all - me, a counselor? come on... that is surreal to me.

i need to be very careful how i tell this part of the story, so as not to put words in his mouth, or to give any incorrect impressions about what he had to say about it. please read only what i write here, and nothing else - there are no lines to be read between. the basic response to the crack question was that personality really has very little to do with a person's ability to counsel others. it is much more about a person's giftings (YES I USED THAT WORD ON PURPOSE) - a person's God-given discernment, a person's ability to speak Truth in love, to be bold when necessary and a willingness to battle on behalf of another...

he also asked me why that particular school, and he mentioned a very specific counseling approach that i embrace but didn't have a name for - the gist is very prayer-focused, discernment-driven and Biblically-based counseling. he mentioned that there are several schools in the area (meaning less than 2000 miles away) that offer training with that particular focus - it has some big churchy name, but it escapes me at the moment... i don't think i can clearly tell you how my heart reacted to that news - i was thrilled that there are schools close to home to consider, while at the same time trying not to let my flesh react - i didn't want to jump all over that bit of news and drop all thoughts of seattle to satisfy my desire to be here, with my family, my community and my church.

i told my mom about his thoughts on the matter. she was thrilled, or so i found out tonight... she decided to come to the ring tonight, and my mom - the non-demonstrative, demure woman that she is - walked straight up to my pastor and hugged his neck! come to think of it, i can't remember the last time she hugged me... the look on his face over her shoulder must have mirrored my own look of surprise and disbelief. in shock, i asked her why she felt the need to hug his neck - she said that when i told her that he mentioned that there are other schools closer to home, she made a promise that the next time she saw him, she was going to hug his neck - and hug she did. i had no idea she felt that way about me leaving. wow.

later the same evening, i was talking with a friend, trying to put into words what the Lord is showing me through all this. we discussed the sermon tonight - part of it centered on different approaches to "surrender" - most people look at it as letting go of something in our effort to be "good" or "worthy" or whatever. tonight, we looked at it more in line with what God's Word has to say about it. we are not our own, we were bought for a price, and when He bought us back, He paid for our lives as well as our problems... so to realize that when we talk about surrender, we are actually surrendering something to Him that is already His. we can step aside and let God be God, admitting that our efforts to disentangle our lives are futile - that He is the One that is responsible for rendering sin (and the enemy) powerless in our lives - all we have to do is get out of His way, and to be ready to trust Him with whatever direction He chooses to give us...

as josh stated, that should change the way we think about what Jesus actually accomplished on the Cross - and out of that realization, our surrender should then be motivated by deep gratitude, never obligation.

we also talked about the fact that He has given me freedom to respond to Him out of my love for Him, not out of obligation or legalism or fear... one of the cool perks of this blog is that i have a record of what He is doing in my life that i can read over (and over and over) and begin to connect some of the dots. what i am beginning to understand is that He points me in one direction to get my thoughts going that way, and then He seemingly changes the plan on me...

just look at what's happened since i was laid off. He pointed me to grad school, only to shut the door at lsu. He gave me a job in the lab, not as a source of long-term provision, but primarily so that i would receive one phone call that set off a series of events that lead to deep healing, and developed the desire in me to walk with others out of the darkness. He pointed me to the captivating retreat, to develop an intimacy with Him that i have never known, and pointed me to a person who asked me a question that i didn't know needed asking - was i looking for a school in Biblical counseling, or a school that focused on modern psychology with a Christian twist? more recently, He has set up a series of conversations that dispel fear, reveal possible motivations of obligation and strict obedience and has, in effect, shown me that He has given me the freedom to respond and react out of my love for Him. isn't that what our lives are supposed to look like, anyway?

life with the Lord is full of twists and turns, as you well know. i'm learning that what He shows me is fluid - it's constantly in motion, but it becomes clearer when i take it one step at a time... that it's not His plan that's changing - it's my understanding that changes, as i gain depth of intimacy, as i seek Him, as i learn to trust His heart toward me...

so what does this all mean? He wants to honor my desire to counsel others - just possessing that knowledge is truly amazing. where and when does He want that to happen? who knows? seattle? here? philly? (which wouldn't surprise me a bit - random people from here seem to end up in philly...) all that really matters is that i keep my heart open to Him, listen for His voice, stay alert and open, but not jump the gun... all i have to do is be ready and willing to do whatever He asks, understanding that i will know what He wants when He chooses to reveal it to me - when i know, i'll know. in the meantime, i think it's kinda fun to watch Him cause the sand to settle to the bottom after being kicked up and disturbed for so long... He has a way of soothing me that is unlike anything i've experienced before.