soar

my spirit is soaring.

i'm exhausted and exhilarated, all at the same time. the Lord was so near tonight i could barely breathe. wow.

i love new year's eve at the ring. it's 'brag on Jesus' night, and it's a tradition that i have come to cherish. i love the intimacy of the testimonies, of His faithfulness in our lives. i love the purity of worship and love that exists in our Body.

He is so good. He is overwhelming. He takes my breath away.

i was hoping to be able to capture in words what's going on in my spirit. not possible - not this time.

my spirit is soaring...

appalled

i went blog surfing tonight.

i revisited some blogs i haven't read in a while. what i found there absolutely astounded me. there is a fellow blogger, a man of God, wrestling with the things of God, and some scripture-quoting random stranger had the sheer audacity to censor him.

i am appalled. i don't know what else to say.

rejoice

Christmas eve is by far my favorite night of the year. every year offers a new experience, a new way to celebrate His birth... i guess that's one upside to having such an unsettled life.

Christmas eve, 1998 is one that is extra special to me. i was still married, and we were living in cheyenne, wyoming. we had only been there 2 months, and did not know our way around. i searched for a church that offered a candlelight service, and found one in downtown cheyenne. well, long story short, we got lost. way lost. as in ended up on a closed interstate in a white-out lost... he was cussing, i was praying, and we finally got to the church, half frozen and ready to just go home. (hello - from the south here - my clothes are made of cotton - cotton is not intended to be worn in blizzards...) i remember it was really dark outside, and the church looked like something out of a thomas kinkade painting. the warmth of the light and the sound of the music spilled out of the door, welcoming us in. we were handed candles just as the congregation stood to sing "o, holy night." it was a divine moment - i don't think i managed to sing around the knot in my throat. the service was fantastic, complete with a real little drummer boy, with the story acted out. i've never seen anything like it before or since.

in 2003, my first Christmas at pbc, i hardly knew a soul, even though i had been going there for several months. i sat in the back, alone. josh was there, but we barely knew each other back then... i believe he sat in the row just behind me. they had a full choir, and i had forgotten how powerful those combined voices can be. i sat there and cried the entire time, just overwhelmed by the music. it was beautiful.

this year... well, now i have a new story to tell. this was our very first Christmas eve service as the ring community church, and it just thrills me that it just so happens that it's on a sunday. we've been lighting advent candles all month, with the children going up front to learn the significance of each candle every week. that's been hysterical, watching the children come up with answers (the purple candle is for lsu, in case you didn't know...) and cover their ears when josh lights the lighter (a certain dad in our community has acclimated his kids to equate a lighter with fire crackers...) i LOVE that i know these asides! i LOVE being part of a church where i know and love so many people there! after the Jesus candle was lit, josh read the Christmas story from luke 2, and then put up some of the lyrics from "o, holy night":

long lay the world in sin and error pining,

till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

he talked about how this time of year - craziness aside - has a way of reconnecting us to Christ. this night somehow reconnects our hearts, similar to the connection that was made between our hearts and minds when we came to know Christ. the Lord settled me even more, continuing the work in my heart over the past few days as i've fought and bucked the pressure and commercialism of the season. personally, it was a really cool way for the Lord to really speak to me about my attitude and cynicism this year.

afterwards, i love that i got to hug so many necks, to kiss the kids and see old friends... and to make new ones, as well. it was just... good. so good.

and then there is the story about a dark, rainy trip to the cemetery to place the leftover poinsettias on lonely graves... and the story about going to my old church (as in haven't been there in 25 years old church) to attend a candlelight service. it is a beautiful building with high, soaring wooden beams and a massive pipe organ. i definitely figured out where i got my reverential side from. we decided to celebrate communion with them. nate was in line in front of me, and the reverend offered him the bread saying, "this is the Body of Christ, broken for you." she told me the same thing. and then there's scott... she told him not to forget that Jesus really loves him... apparently, he looked like he needed a little something extra. we could hardly hold it together, we were laughing so hard. we seemed to be the only ones there full of love and life... and i don't say that to be judgemental. i love to watch people, and there was a somberness that permeated the very air. there is a difference between being reverent and somber, between holiness and barely beating hearts. the beauty of the building, the reverence, the deadness... contrasted with the beauty of a candlelight service with several hundred people singing "silent night." it was surreal. o, did i mention the banners hanging everywhere, proclaiming REJOICE!

another cool part of the evening... here i am with 4 guys, driving to a church no one has been to but me. i asked them to sing, because their voices are beautiful. imagine us driving down a wet, rainy, dark road, singing to Jesus at the top of our lungs. that's just good stuff.

i love this night and all that it symbolizes. i love the holiness, the joy, the reverence, the laughter, the memories. many of my friends love this season - i love this night. i love that He has seen fit to allow me to experience it in a myriad of different ways, each speaking to my heart in a new way. this year, i celebrated the invasion. not everyone understands or even agrees with that... and that's ok. we are all wired differently, and that's as it should be - that's what makes the Body of Christ so beautiful.

long lay the world in sin and error pining,
till He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

yoked

continuing from the last post...

after i wrote the last post, i went to Jesus, heart bare and open before Him. He pointed out 3 things in specific that He wants to deal with. this post will attempt to explore one of them.

a major part of what makes this season so hard is that very few people understand why i'm not pouring coffee. why i didn't go work in retail during the holiday season. why i am not just doing ANYTHING to earn a few bucks here and there to help carry the load. simply put - i can't. He has told me to wait, and i can only listen to Him, even when it makes no logical sense at all. but that's not the real issue at hand.

my mom is suffering, but not because she has had to pay a bill or 2 for me. she hates seeing me in this position because she doesn't understand either. she certainly does not condemn me, and would never push me to just do something, anything, to move past this point in my life. she just loves me. she also loves my sister and her family. our whole family dynamic is in shambles right now... but that's not the point of this post.

since i moved in with her in april, i have had the rare privilege of praying for her. not blessing the food or "simple" prayers like that - really praying over her, interceding for her. that has been such an incredible thing to do. i've been given the front row seat in watching her faith come alive, to see her heart re-engage with the Lord after being shut down for so long under the weight of her life. part of what last night was about was realizing (again) that i am here for a reason, that my time here is not just about me. the Lord is doing really cool stuff in my mom, and i get to be a part of that.

her birthday was a couple of weeks ago. without going into detail, i made her cry. not happy tears, tears of pain and despair. i was absolutely stricken. after all the words, the apologies, the attempts to make her feel better, the only thing i was left with was to pray for her. and let me just tell you, when i say i prayed for her, i PRAYED for her. i sat on her bed, holding her hand, tears flowing, heart open, words pouring out and over her. afterwards, she just held me for a while. it was an amazingly intimate moment with a woman i love, but really don't know very well when it comes down to it. how well do the kids REALLY know their parents, after all is said and done? at the end of the day, how well do you know your mom as a person?

something really cool happened after i prayed for her. i realized that i had never really gone to bat for her as an intercessor. how crazy is that? the peace that i asked the Lord to blanket her with really did, and she has been much calmer and more hopeful... until i open my mouth and say something stupid to hurt her or to cause anxiety again. i don't know why the Lord trusts or expects me to lead my family spiritually, because i keep screwing it up. the downside to living with mom is that i don't have a safe place, a place of refuge, to just vent. to just cry. to just be angry. to be raw and real. these processes are vital to who i am, and they are severely hampered because i am here, in her home, in her presence. my pain affects her, and that effectively (most of the time) puts a cork in my willingness to be transparent and raw in front of her.

downside notwithstanding, i got to see something really cool, just this morning. she was leaving to go to wal-mart for last minute groceries (we are master menu planners...). i was supposed to go with her, but i woke up with a screaming headache, either from crying last night, sinuses, the ointment i am using to treat my eyes... or a combination of all of them. anyway, as she was walking out the door, i made the comment that i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. she tossed over her shoulder that she would keep me in her prayers. as i quipped back "gee, thanks, mom" she offered an aside that floored me - "as if i don't already."

wow. who knew? i didn't know that my mom prayed, much less prayed for me. it made my heart beat faster to know that she is turning to the Lord, petitioning Him for her family. i mean, it makes perfect sense, i just never thought about it. i doubt very seriously that she prays for herself - she is far and away the most selfless person i know - almost to the point of detriment... and that is clearly my job. He wants me to step it up a notch in interceding for my family. i had asked Him a few months ago to burden my heart for my family, because if i am to be brutally honest, i am rarely prompted to pray for them. yes, they drive me crazy, i love them dearly, but our little family is not very close. i see examples of deeply rooted families, but i have never known that closeness... we all pretty much keep to ourselves. sad, i know - which is why i prayed to be more burdened for them.

those 5 little words are the springboard that will make today and tomorrow bearable. they are just a continuation of the work the Lord is doing in our family, and they are a ray of hope in this darkness i find myself in right now. my life, our lives, are one day at a time right now. things are hard, but when i asked Jesus what last night was about, He showed me that while this feels very personal, while it is very personal, He is doing so much more than i can see. He is trusting me to keep turning to Him for answers. this season is not just about obedience and faith, it's about love. His love for me, yes, but more important to my heart, His love for those i love. His all-consuming love that is going to captivate my mom's heart. His constant pursuit that is going to overcome my sister and her family. He is the Glue that will bind this little family together - He is the One that is going to accomplish the healing and restoration that we so desperately need. they don't know what He's up to... but i do. and that knowledge makes my heart a little lighter, my load a little less heavy. i'm yoked up with Him, and He has taken the lead. i'm to follow, to learn by His example... and the beauty of that makes my heart ache.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - matthew 11:28-30

restless

i'm trying to get a grip on this restlessness that has me so tightly in it's grasp.

i remember another time in my life when i was at a crossroads. it was late 2001 - early 2002, and my life was absolutely shattered. there was nothing recognizable about it. in the space of 6 months, 9/11 happened, my husband left me, i discovered his adultery, i lost my home, i lost his family, i graduated lsu with a worthless degree, moved to texas, started a new job, got tangled up in a soul-killing rebound, faced the beginning of bankruptcy and realized that somewhere, somehow, something had gone incredibly wrong. i remember this song playing as i was crossing the mississippi river bridge, headed to texas for what i thought was a new life:

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
--Rascal Flatts

i sit here tonight and let the hurt come back. the tears are flowing and i sense that He is near. i haven't thought much about all that happened back then in a while... i wonder why it is so heavy on my heart tonight.

the older i get, the less pluck i have. i've been down the "movin' on" road a few times in this life, and i can't seem to muster enough of my heart to really, truly, honest-to-God think about actually crossing that bridge again.

i've lost my way. i've lost my heart. i've lost everything - again - and i just do not have it in me to pull myself up by the bootstraps one more time. the difference this time is that i've never faced this, side-by-side with Jesus. the last time i crossed that bridge, i was mad as hell at God. i didn't even look back for a glimpse of tiger stadium - my eyes were looking for the state line.

the Lord has never asked me to leave a place, a community, that i love before. i don't know how. i'm asking Him for absolute clarity - He's asking me for faith. i want the note on the bedside table - He is painfully silent. there will be nothing left for Him to salvage if this keeps up for much longer. He is thumbs-down again, and i don't know that i've ever been lower before Him. it's come to a point where i'm at the mercy of His provision for everything, but every token, every gesture of charity feels like a stone thrown. the very confidence and pride that took me to texas has been totally stripped away and replaced with humility and doubt. how do i move forward with that? broken and bruised instead of confident and cocky.

yet, i see the beauty. isn't that crazy? He has me in this place, this posture of humility, so i guess it's safe to say that i'm suffering for Him. i just don't see how it glorifies Him yet. i would hardly compare this suffering to what paul writes about, but i am suffering. to what end? is there still so much of me that needs to be ripped out that He's broken out the heavy duty pruning shears? i know that at the end of this, i will be more effective for the Kingdom, more Christlike...

you know, my mother has led a life of suffering and loss. i'd rather that not be a generational cycle... but now that i think about it, so have i. what's that about? i think that may be one of the reasons why i'm so restless.

my head hurts from crying. i can't see to write anymore. my heart hurts and i want it to stop. taking my cue from a lesson learned at the retreat, i am letting this hurt overwhelm me - i am consciously allowing it in. there is something here He wants access to, something that He wants to heal... and i'm all about that. so... let's do this thing. Jesus, what is this about?

refocus

i do love this song - all year long...

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night, O night divine, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

--Adolphe Adam - yay wikipedia!

focus

i really dislike this time of year. gasp. ok, so i love Christmas eve, but the season as a whole... not so much.

i realize that, as a follower of Christ, that's pretty close to blasphemy. i know we are supposed to be rejoicing in the birth of Jesus, the fulfillment of God's promise, the humble beginning for the King of kings. i get it. i really do.

it's just that we do that all year - as followers of Christ, we try to imitate His life, we depend on His love, His provision, His sovereignty, His grace - we try to follow His lead as a way of life. it is our life. He is our life. we celebrate that every day. i don't need a calendar to tell me when to do that. i feel this way about thanksgiving, too. i am thankful, everyday. maybe not every second of every day, but i am thankful to God at some point every day of my life.

when you take Christmas out of the holiday season equation, all you're left with is family tension, major stress, unrealistic expectations of familial happiness, and the imaginary money tree in the back yard... it's quite nauseating, actually. with a lot of time on my hands these days, i watch entirely too much tv (i am a csi FREAK). watching the commercials, it seems as though, in stark contrast from previous years, there is much more use of the word "Christmas" than "holiday" this year. that, in some sick way, makes it even worse. the commercialization of such a holy day is disgusting to me...

i was thinking about this earlier when a new thought struck me. i had flipped over to the national geographic channel to watch the dog whisperer. i have discovered, much to my dismay, that that channel is openly atheistic. i realize that it's a science channel, but they take it to a whole new level... anyway, back to the thought. they were advertising a new program that starts on december 25th. december 25th. not Christmas. that may be the first time in my life when that day was referred to as just december 25th. it made me think about the non-Christians in our society, and how this time of year makes them feel. in being honest, i'm pretty sure that i would be disgruntled if the other world religions were shoved down my throat every year for 8 weeks. crap, even as a Christian, i am disgruntled that "Christianity" is shoved down my throat every year for 8 weeks.

i think that's why the card i got in the mail made my heart beat faster (the one i quoted in "invasion") and brought so much joy to my soul. it brought everything back into sharp focus. it reminded me of the larger Story going on here. the birth of Christ was a brilliant strategic move in the ancient and on-going battle of good and evil. it reminded me of the warrior God who loves me so much - loves you so much - that He deigned to leave perfection to become imperfect just to win us back by proving once for all His heart for us.

why do we, as Christians, feel like we have something to prove - some kind of an agenda? why do our chests puff out a little more this time of year? hello? yes, we are to bring His light into the darkness... but we do that by LOVE. love is an all-the-time, day-after-day thing. it's not seasonal.

invasion

i just got a Christmas card in the mail that made me grin from the inside out, with the gleam of battle in my eyes...

under the cover of night...

in a remote village...

the invasion has begun.

intent

this blog is, and always has been, a way for me to think through things, to tell stories of what the Lord is doing in my life, to share my victories and my struggles with my readers, in hopes that you will find some reassurance that you are not alone in the things you struggle with.

however, when my thoughts and struggles, made public by this blog, become an instrument for hurt, division or strife, it no longer serves the original intent of this blog. i never intend for my words to cause harm.

seasons

my spirit is very unsettled tonight. i decided to turn on the radio by my bed, hoping that the local Christian station would have a good mix of Christmas hymns and worship songs to soothe me... this song began just as i got the station dialed in and the volume set. i love how He does that.

weak and wounded sinner
lost and left to die
o, raise your head,
for love is passing by
come to Jesus
come to Jesus
come to Jesus and live!

now your burden's lifted
and carried far away
and precious blood
has washed away the stain, so
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus and live!

and like a newborn baby
don't be afraid to crawl
and remember when you walk
sometimes we fall... so
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus and live!

sometimes the way is lonely
and steep and filled with pain
so if your sky is dark
and pours the rain, then
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus and live!

o, and when the love spills over
and music fills the night
and when you can't contain your joy inside, then
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus and live!

and with your final heartbeat
kiss the world goodbye
then go in peace,
and laugh on Glory's side, and
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus and live!

--untitled hymn (cry to Jesus) by chris rice

yearn

a quiet roar in my heart...

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek
and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion over You
and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing
and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU
I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU
AND ONLY YOU
LORD I WANT TO YEARN

(acts 17:25-28, hebrews 12:28-29)

yearn --shane barnard

settle

i want to tell you a story - a story of God's faithfulness and intimate counsel, of His personal tending to my heart.

i fell in love today.

i fell in love all over again with the Story, the Battle, the Adventure, and the Warrior God who is so recklessly passionate and unashamedly lavish with His love.

as evidenced by the past several posts, i have been in need of a reminder of Who my life is about... and i needed to be reminded that i am on this journey intentionally - deliberately. there are characters in this story, most of whom i have not even met... so typical of the Lord to use "random" strangers in my life to bring me back to Him. this cast includes mike and deb, and brian and deann... and me and the Lord.

the story goes like this... enter mike, whom i met at the retreat. he has kept up with me faithfully, spurring me on toward Jesus. one day while he is rebuilding his wife's blog folder, mike is prompted to introduce me to brian, a friend and ally. through this seemingly random introduction, the Lord arranged a very personal encounter with Himself, using the words and heart of this stranger... and the gentle reminder that i so desperately needed wrapped around my heart. the Lord accomplished this through a fellow sojourner, a fellow warrior, a true follower of the Way. in his own words, a disciple of Jesus...

my heart has settled once again. my vision is less cloudy, my fear and uncertainty fading away. yes, the road is long and the battle fierce, but they are worth every heartbeat and tear shed along the way...

Jesus is beckoning. i dare not tell Him no. to do so would be to deny my heart, and thus deny Life in all the fullness He intends. to not take my place in the Story is unimaginable.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. - 1 corinthians 15:58

beautiful

note to self - my life is not about me. if i EVER get that to sink in... sheesh.

the reason i was in a funk all weekend was made apparent as soon as josh told us at 5:45 prayer what he was going to be speaking about tonight. he does this to help guide our prayers as we prepare the room for His presence and His kids. it was like a lightbulb going off - instant knowledge that made me want to slap my forehead and say, "DUH!" my funk was less about me and more about what josh spoke about tonight. sin and temptation, that we are at war, that we are to fight for one another, and to allow Him to fight for us.

i am spiritually off the charts right now, though sadly enough, i forget that on a pretty regular basis. i need to write on my mirror, "IS THIS ABOUT YOU?" more often than not, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with those i intercede for. even possessing this knowledge, i tend to turn the lens inward and apply what i battle to my own circumstances, instead of 1) trusting Him with my situation, and 2) asking Him to show me what a particular funk is about.

tonight was fantastic. yes, i realize that it's no surprise to you that i am pumped anytime i learn more about prayer, about the battle, about how to pray for one another... but i am even more pumped that our Body learned more about these things. as an intercessor, i'm wired differently. i go to battle on a regular basis. i see demons, i have visions - "freaky" stuff that is scary to most people. to have this Body more equipped to fight for one another is... beautiful. to see hearts ready and willing to fight for one another is even more beautiful. as i stood in the back of the room, praying with and for this Body, the Lord solidified in my heart the reality of my role at the ring. (yes, i knew it all along, but to have Him hammer me over the head and straight into my heart is quite different...) i was shaking and crying - overcome with love for Him, for this Body, for this church - our church - HIS church... which brings up huge questions about seattle, but i am taking those thoughts captive this night. that's for another day.

another thing that was so very cool about tonight was that there was the "old-school ring" feel to it. there was a joy, a freedom in worship, a tight unity within the Body that we have been praying for since the beginning. don't get me wrong - we still have these elements every sunday night - but tonight was different somehow. tonight was about us living out acts 2:42 as a unified Body. as a new church, with new people coming in the doors, it can't be helped that there is some loss of identity for a time... it seemed to me, at least, that this Body is unified once more. we have our identity back - changed, but intact. the newer members of our community experienced the heart of the ring - the heart that i fell in love with over 3 years ago. our heartbeat is for Him, and everything about tonight screamed that Truth. it was fantastic - HE is fantastic.

the weekend before we launched as a "real" church, we came together corporately to pray the ring community church into existence. although there is much more detail in day 2 - pivotal, what screams at me are these words:

Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”

burden

i probably shouldn't be writing today, but i need an outlet, and this is my blog, my place in the world where it is safe to bare my heart before my Lord.

i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.

in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.

i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.

i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.

there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.

and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.

relief

ok, so i thought we all could use some comic relief... this is freakin' hysterical!

i found this post on the mhgs student blogs... last night, i was pensive. tonight, i think i woke up the household, laughing so hard. i love how He calms me when i'm heading for a freak-out... especially because He chose to use someone who i may actually meet and be friends with in less than a year. so i'm too serious, huh? i don't stand a chance if i'm around angela for any length of time...

bow

in ephesians 3:14, the original greek word for "kneel" is more correctly transliterated "i bow in my need for you". i love the beauty and simplicity - the humility - of that declaration. it reminds me of the scene in braveheart at murron's funeral, where wallace is on his knees before her father, in total surrender and submission.

in him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. i ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory. for this reason, i bow in my need before the Father... -- ephesians 3:12-14 (italics mine)

as i was walking along, talking to God, i crossed a small bridge, and came upon this bent aspen. (i began this story in much) i was struck by it's beauty, but did not begin to understand the full significance of what He was showing me until i was home, and visiting a friend. i was showing her the pictures from the retreat, and when we came across this one, she immediately commented that it is a beautiful example of all of creation bowing before God, undone by His majesty and splendor.

my world is changing.

fall always makes me restless and edgy. so much more so this year as this season of preparation and waiting comes to an end.

i am pensive tonight. i am beginning to get a glimpse of the Light and the darkness that await me in seattle... and i'm not sure how i feel. i recently wrote a friend that i need my heart to be steady and true as i step into this new season.

i'm beginning to understand that's not possible. i'm beginning to understand that much more brokenness is coming. this coming season is about becoming raw and ripped open - exposed.

i'm beginning to understand that i've just scratched the surface of healing, of intimacy with God, of knowing Him and being known.

i'm beginning to understand that life as i know it does not exist anymore. i'm somewhere in-between.

i'm beginning to understand that when i leave this place, i will not return the same - nor will you be the same if i see you again.

i'm beginning to understand why He has me in such a posture of humility.

i am beginning to understand.

exactly

we were asked to observe covenants of silence intermittently throughout the retreat. this was a new concept for me - an intentional, volitional, unspoken agreement not to speak a word to anyone - at all. we were encouraged to seek Him however we saw fit - through prayer, meditation on His Word, sitting in His presence, walking through the mountains, worship - however we felt Him calling to us. well, now that i think about it, we celebrated the Lord's Supper at the ring a few years ago in complete silence - that was seriously intense and by far the most spiritual communion experience i have ever had... but i digress.

those times of silence were so powerful that i sit here tonight and wonder why i have not brought that intentional silence into life post-retreat. most of the time, i was actually able to shut up and listen to Him, for a change. He has much to say when i'll take the time to listen, i've discovered. we were encouraged before each time of silence to press into Him... another new concept for me. what they meant, or at least how i interpreted it, was not to just take initial silence as "I am not talking to you right now" but rather to stand your ground... to refuse to take no for an answer (unless He really meant it, and believe me, you know the difference). pressing in means to draw even closer to Him, to wait just there, heart open and thirsty for Him.

i think He really likes that. i think He enjoys us not giving up so easily. i think that He actually gets a kick out of us intentionally seeking Him, and refusing to give up... not in an arrogant way, but in a loving, longing, "i'm here and not going anywhere" kind of way. those times really made me aware of how easily i give up when i really need to hear from Him.

i think about all the times, throughout time, that He's been rejected, ignored, abused, defied, denounced... and it breaks my heart to realize how His heart must break again and again and again. i mean, really. billions of people everyday - His creation that He longs to be reconciled to, and even the ones that are - we all in some way refuse Him. it may be time, obedience, honor, our hearts, our true devotion, our true submission to His lordship, trust... it goes on and on, and it positively floors me to think about even just what the Word records about His continual effort to win back our hearts.

what an amazing thought. what a humbling thought. yeah, big sigh as i write these words...

i started this post, thinking that i was writing about silence, and what a powerful way it is to enter into His presence. then it turned to pressing into Him, and how He must really get a kick out of that. and now, i sit here, camped on this thought of His heart breaking every single day, and i can't hardly stand to type another word... and then He reminds me of the beauty of it all - the romance, the adventure, the sacrifice, the battles... the intimacy of it all - and i am floored again.

someone posed a very valid question the other day - why do i even bother with this blog? this is why. this is EXACTLY why. my love for Him, and His for us. He brings me back to Him through these words, this thought process, this intentional focus on Him. we've begun a series on prayer at the ring, and in my mind, prayer - as simple and as complicated as it seems to be - is heart to heart communication between the Lord and His kids... yes. exactly.

seek

i heard this song for the first time at community group. scott leads us in worship before we dive into each other's lives and into the material. it absolutely grabs my heart - one of these days i'm going to figure out how to actually put songs out here so you can hear and experience them with me - without me actually singing them to you - that would be bad - very bad...

this has been one of those crazy days that just seems fraught with strife - this song soothes my very unsettled soul.

the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lean back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

-- written (i think) by nicole c mullen for christ for the nations (http://www.cfnmusic.com/glorious.php)

weight - revisited

[the quote at the bottom, originally attributed to nelson mandela, is actually used in his inaugural speech, but was written by marianne williamson in "a return to love: reflections on the principles of a course in miracles" - thanks, taylor, for allowing me to give proper credit!]

it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...

i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.

yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.

you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.

do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.

do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.

do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.

i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.

helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Nelson Mandella

I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!

weight

one of the last words spoken over me before i left the retreat was that i would gain weight - spiritual weight - that i would gain power as an intercessor as i continue to seek to live my life with my Lord. that's a comforting thought to return to at a time when i feel invisible - a gift, as it turns out, from our very wise God that knew that this time was coming.

i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.

i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?

i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.

why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.

i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.

i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."

no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.

i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.

this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.