[i first heard this song at captivating. it pierces me... these words have the power to strip me bare, reminded of how far we've fallen from our original glory. He's used this song to keep me focused on Him - on what He's up to in my heart and in my life. it's fitting to end this year with a song that brings me close to His heart... where i belong.]
i'm at a loss for words
there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless, so cold
where did the passion go?
when all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and i'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore
here i am
at the end
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can raise me from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
i need...
-- resurrection by nicol sponberg
12.31.2007
12.24.2007
defiance
it seems as though this year, my life has been one of defiance. defiance for God, not from Him. i've spent my life either ignoring God, running away from Him, or more recently, running toward Him. in learning to run toward God, i've learned also what that decision, that way of life, costs those who choose it. for it is a choice.
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
12.21.2007
mythic
allow me, then, to review what we have encountered. first, our lives are not a random series of events; they tell a Story that has meaning. we aren’t in a movie we’ve arrived at twenty minutes late; we are in a Sacred Romance. there really is something wonderful that draws our heart; we are being wooed. but there is also something fearful. we face an enemy with vile intentions. is anyone in charge? someone strong and kind who notices us? at some point we have all answered that question “no” and gone on to live in a smaller story. but the answer is “yes”—there is someone strong and kind who notices us. our Story is written by God, who is more than author, he is the romantic lead in our personal dramas. he created us for himself, and now he is moving heaven and earth to restore us to his side. his wooing seems wild because he seeks to free our heart from the attachments and addictions we’ve chosen, thanks to the Arrows we’ve known.
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
12.02.2007
Godhead
november 3, 2007. i was in jacksonville, visiting a friend and tending to my heart. hurricane noel had just brushed by, and we were on ponte vedra beach, looking for whatever had been uncovered or washed ashore by the wind and waves. i was looking at a small cliff created by severe beach erosion, looking backwards through time, exposed by the different layers of the collapse.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
11.19.2007
rise
we are now far into this Epic that every great story points to. we have reached the moment where we, too, must find our courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. the hour is late, and much time has been wasted. aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table. we must find geppetto lost at sea. we must ride hard, ride to minas tirith and join the last great battle for middle earth.
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
10.27.2007
10.17.2007
appearance
but the LORD said to samuel, "do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. the LORD does not look at the things man looks at. man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
-- 1 samuel 16:7 (niv)
i know many people - including myself - who love the Lord with all their hearts, who don't live as though this passage is a reflection of God's heart. funny how we find comfort for ourselves in this verse, but so consistently fail to extend that much-needed grace to others.
case in point - i have a friend who is a daughter of the King, strong and beautiful and courageous. however, she looks fragile and wounded. this is not what i see in her, nor is it what you should see.
similarly, when people look at me, they usually see varying degrees of strength and independence, coupled with hardness or ferocity that belies who i truly am.
looking through the eyes of Jesus... well, now that's a different perspective altogether. what we see on the outside is not an accurate reflection of one's heart, and therefore should not be what we consider to be most true about that person...
though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
in them is fulfilled the prophecy of isaiah:
" 'you will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
for this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'
but blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
-- Jesus, as quoted by matthew in chapter 13, verses 13-16 (niv)
9.30.2007
most true
two things from tonight are reverberating in my heart - things He's shown me that i cannot forget. i will not forget these Truths about me, about you, that are most true about us.
yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
-- isaiah 26:8
God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
be my everything
-- everything, tim hughes
yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
-- isaiah 26:8
God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
be my everything
-- everything, tim hughes
9.17.2007
9.13.2007
namaste
when paul writes, "i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (gal. 2:20), he meant it. over and over, the dying and the lepers would whisper the mystical word namaste in my ear. we really don't have a word like it in english (or even much of a western conception of it). they explained to me that namaste means, "i honor the Holy One who lives in you." i knew i could see God in their eyes. was it possible that i was becoming a Christian, that in my eyes they could catch a glimpse of the image of my Lover?
--shane claiborne, the irresistible revolution - living as an ordinary radical pp 79-80
i can't claim to have really experienced this on the level the author is describing here (he is writing about a time when he served in the home for the destitute and dying, a home started by mother teresa in calcutta, india), but i came close one day last week.
waiting for a light to change, a saw a homeless man on the side of the road, with a sign that said something to the effect of "on my way home. anything will help. God bless." as much as i hate to admit this, i normally do my best to avoid eye contact with homeless folks and beggars. there is a lot to that response - cynicism, helplessness, just plain hardness of heart sometimes... i know - very Christ-like, huh? this time was different.
first, let me say that i rarely have cash, and that i'm ALWAYS in a hurry - running late or just impatient with traffic. so i roll up to this light and see this guy and i kick into my normal response when Jesus steps in. if you know Him at all, you KNOW when He decides to show up in a situation. without hesitation, i rolled down my window while reaching for my wallet and catching his eye all at the same time. i've gotten a glimpse of what being in need is like over the past year or so. i know that i am just one step away from being out on the streets myself. so for once, i have a little cash - i have no idea how much - and He told me to give it to him. this stranger walks up to my window, his eyes old in the way that some people describe as "an old soul" - they were haggard and sagging... and beautiful. i handed him the cash saying, "this is all i have... God bless you." he takes it, and without counting it, puts it in his pocket. he says, "God bless you back" and our eyes locked... and i knew, i knew that i was looking into the eyes of Jesus.
i wanted to get out and pray with this guy. i wanted to tell him to get in, to bring him somewhere cool and out of the heat, get him some food and something cool to drink, and i wanted to bring him home. as these thoughts raced through my mind, the light changed and i had to go. immediately, i was lamenting the busy-ness of my life, wondering if i could pull over, go back, do something to spend some more time with this man. i was floored, angry, frustrated and torn, all at the same time.
and then, He spoke: whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto Me.
wow. my heart about burst. mind you, this all took place in the space of about 15 seconds. and in that moment, when He spoke to my heart, i knew that i didn't need to go back. i knew that He was already gone.
--shane claiborne, the irresistible revolution - living as an ordinary radical pp 79-80
i can't claim to have really experienced this on the level the author is describing here (he is writing about a time when he served in the home for the destitute and dying, a home started by mother teresa in calcutta, india), but i came close one day last week.
waiting for a light to change, a saw a homeless man on the side of the road, with a sign that said something to the effect of "on my way home. anything will help. God bless." as much as i hate to admit this, i normally do my best to avoid eye contact with homeless folks and beggars. there is a lot to that response - cynicism, helplessness, just plain hardness of heart sometimes... i know - very Christ-like, huh? this time was different.
first, let me say that i rarely have cash, and that i'm ALWAYS in a hurry - running late or just impatient with traffic. so i roll up to this light and see this guy and i kick into my normal response when Jesus steps in. if you know Him at all, you KNOW when He decides to show up in a situation. without hesitation, i rolled down my window while reaching for my wallet and catching his eye all at the same time. i've gotten a glimpse of what being in need is like over the past year or so. i know that i am just one step away from being out on the streets myself. so for once, i have a little cash - i have no idea how much - and He told me to give it to him. this stranger walks up to my window, his eyes old in the way that some people describe as "an old soul" - they were haggard and sagging... and beautiful. i handed him the cash saying, "this is all i have... God bless you." he takes it, and without counting it, puts it in his pocket. he says, "God bless you back" and our eyes locked... and i knew, i knew that i was looking into the eyes of Jesus.
i wanted to get out and pray with this guy. i wanted to tell him to get in, to bring him somewhere cool and out of the heat, get him some food and something cool to drink, and i wanted to bring him home. as these thoughts raced through my mind, the light changed and i had to go. immediately, i was lamenting the busy-ness of my life, wondering if i could pull over, go back, do something to spend some more time with this man. i was floored, angry, frustrated and torn, all at the same time.
and then, He spoke: whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto Me.
wow. my heart about burst. mind you, this all took place in the space of about 15 seconds. and in that moment, when He spoke to my heart, i knew that i didn't need to go back. i knew that He was already gone.
9.02.2007
8.26.2007
altar
sitting in church tonight, i realized the enormity of the change in my life cannot go unacknowledged. so, my thoughts go back to that fateful phone call last summer in the lab that started me on this present journey. tomorrow, i start a brand new era of my life. tonight, i remember the past, and offer both to Jesus, praising His name that my life has been forever altered. i offer these words as my altar to Him:
the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved
i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone
grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace
i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me
-- grace, by phil wickham
the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved
i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone
grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace
i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me
-- grace, by phil wickham
8.06.2007
fences
i learned a lesson this summer.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
7.29.2007
dance
for those of you who read this who go to my church... if you saw a blur in the rafters tonight during worship... that was me, dancing with Jesus. He reached down and met my outstretched hands with His own, drew me up and twirled us through the rafters. it was ecstasy. it was worship in its truest form...
it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.
sigh...
LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!
i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.
i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.
it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.
sigh...
LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!
i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.
i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.
7.17.2007
guard
this diverges from the last post, but something really cool happened last week that i don't want to forget...
i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.
i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.
stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!
that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.
i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.
i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.
i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.
stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!
that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.
i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.
7.11.2007
steward
[this is definitely not a completed thought... but i am pressed to go ahead and post this. i will expound on my thoughts as they cohere.]
ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.
ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.
for me - and i can only speak for me - for me, life has become a delicate balance of loving others well and taking care of my own heart. i, me - no one else - i am responsible for how i respond to the lives i'm allowed to come alongside, whether it's for a day, a week, a couple of years, or a lifetime.
now, take that truth and apply it to all of the heartwork He's been doing lately (time is rather fluid for me, so "lately" applies to a much broader time span - about a year-ish). casting a broad stroke, He has been showing me - reminding me - of the things that make me come alive - things i care deeply about - things that i am devoted to.
in the church, much emphasis is placed on stewardship - of people, money, time, relationships - and that is certainly biblical and necessary. however, my heart beats for a different kind of stewardship - and it's just as biblical and necessary, although not as prevalent in the everyday life of a church. my heart beats for the land and the sea and the creatures... and the beautiful and glorious thing is that He has called me to this love, this responsibility, this devotion because He trusts me and believes in me - how crazy is that???
i've wondered for almost a year how mhgs and seattle fit into this picture. in short, they don't. rather, they were dots - stepping stones on the path back to my heart - that forced me to really look at my life, my heart - and be ok with what i found there. what i found is that i am not called to walk with people through the darkest hours of their lives as a profession. i certainly do that in my personal lives and loves, but my heart is not wired to be a counselor... and that's ok. it's more than ok - it's an honest assessment of who i am, and who He made me to be. i love that He demands that level of honesty and transparency from me (well, i love it most of the time...).
so the obvious question is, "what's next?" truthfully, i don't know. back to school for a master's is an option, although i'm in no way convinced that i'm to be a scientist. i find myself these days immersed in loving well (i use that phrase a lot, but it's perfectly applicable) and staying tuned into the treasures He drops in my lap, and what they are meant to show me. i've long since accepted that this part of the journey is directed step by step by Him alone, and that's as it should be.
7.07.2007
remember
i've spent a lot of time wondering why i struggle so much with really feeling a sense of belonging anywhere i've landed along this journey. it's been less intense than in the past, sort of tucked away in the recesses of my heart. it's much more of an on-going, quiet conversation between me and my Lord... and He, as always, is faithful to answer. rather, this time, He is faithful to remind...
He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:
there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again
and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity
and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong
to the wild country
--words and music by john denver
He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:
there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again
and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity
and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong
to the wild country
--words and music by john denver
6.20.2007
courage
rise and run to the place where fear and dreams collide...
--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries
[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]
these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.
--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries
[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]
these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.
6.11.2007
well
an entry from my journal written at the captivating retreat in september 2006:
... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...
and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:
... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...
help me to love well.
i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.
i had forgotten - but He hadn't.
... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...
and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:
... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...
help me to love well.
i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.
i had forgotten - but He hadn't.
5.31.2007
exchange
my feet are wet with dew.
i woke up this morning to what's become a typical sense of unease. ignoring it, i said 'good morning' to the Lord, boiled water for coffee, and walked the dog as the coffee dripped.
my heart is burdened beyond anything i've known in a long time. trying to push past all the lies that come screaming at me first thing in the morning, i found simple joy in the warmth of the early morning sun on my face. as we rounded the building, i saw a squirrel sitting in a bird bath, birds busy at the feeders above, and i thought to myself, "see how He provides for the birds of the air, for His creatures... isn't He great?"
He's been waking me up around 7:30 consistently for awhile now. it's amazing. i've been quietly praying for Him to reset my internal clock, for more time with Him in the quiet hours of the morning, and He is faithful to answer. i've given up the late night hours when i can really write in exchange for dew and sunshine, provided by, and shared with, the King.
my heart is stirred, longing. it is still burdened and heavy, but a little less so, broken by a glimpse of His face.
my feet are wet with dew.
i woke up this morning to what's become a typical sense of unease. ignoring it, i said 'good morning' to the Lord, boiled water for coffee, and walked the dog as the coffee dripped.
my heart is burdened beyond anything i've known in a long time. trying to push past all the lies that come screaming at me first thing in the morning, i found simple joy in the warmth of the early morning sun on my face. as we rounded the building, i saw a squirrel sitting in a bird bath, birds busy at the feeders above, and i thought to myself, "see how He provides for the birds of the air, for His creatures... isn't He great?"
He's been waking me up around 7:30 consistently for awhile now. it's amazing. i've been quietly praying for Him to reset my internal clock, for more time with Him in the quiet hours of the morning, and He is faithful to answer. i've given up the late night hours when i can really write in exchange for dew and sunshine, provided by, and shared with, the King.
my heart is stirred, longing. it is still burdened and heavy, but a little less so, broken by a glimpse of His face.
my feet are wet with dew.
5.30.2007
onward
i've been paid 2 totally different compliments in the past week, completely unsolicited and exactly what my heart needs to hear:
the first one just makes me laugh, which is always nice - it was a very spontaneous, "i didn't think you could get any cooler..."
and the one my heart really needed - "as i watched the movie [pirates 3] i couldn't help but compare keira knightley's character [elizabeth swan] to you... her ferocity, leadership, sheer determination and courage... the way she is drawn to the sea, and how comfortable she is aboard the ship..." there was more, but my heart stopped at the initial comparison. what an amazing thing for my heart to hear from someone i love deeply and whom i admire immensely!
i love it when He does that!
there is more to say, so there may be a part 2, but this is where my heart is resting right now.
the first one just makes me laugh, which is always nice - it was a very spontaneous, "i didn't think you could get any cooler..."
and the one my heart really needed - "as i watched the movie [pirates 3] i couldn't help but compare keira knightley's character [elizabeth swan] to you... her ferocity, leadership, sheer determination and courage... the way she is drawn to the sea, and how comfortable she is aboard the ship..." there was more, but my heart stopped at the initial comparison. what an amazing thing for my heart to hear from someone i love deeply and whom i admire immensely!
i love it when He does that!
there is more to say, so there may be a part 2, but this is where my heart is resting right now.
5.19.2007
curious, isn't it?
of all the things you can't do... which will you do?
-- captain jack sparrow pirates of the caribbean - at world's end
[this is a quote from a tv spot in the jacksonville market. i haven't seen it again to verify the wording - i will when the movie comes out... in the meantime, it's a great quote and way too applicable to my life...]
it seems this may be from a deleted scene, as it wasn't in the movie. still a GREAT quote...
-- captain jack sparrow pirates of the caribbean - at world's end
[this is a quote from a tv spot in the jacksonville market. i haven't seen it again to verify the wording - i will when the movie comes out... in the meantime, it's a great quote and way too applicable to my life...]
it seems this may be from a deleted scene, as it wasn't in the movie. still a GREAT quote...
5.12.2007
treasure hunt
we went on a treasure hunt the other day... well, at least what i consider a treasure hunt. we were looking for a tracking band that was on a wood stork. the band had been sending out a mortality signal, which means that the wearer of said band was likely dead. since these devices are upwards of $5000 each, there is a pretty good effort made to locate the bands once the mortality signal goes out. all we had to go by were GPS coordinates emitted every 3 days. here are some pictures of the adventure - what a great time!!!
this is where we launched from - that's not fog - it's smoke from all the fires here - currently over 230 wildfires in florida.
dang, where's my rod and reel when i need them???
found it!!! and it only took us 20 minutes or so... he was calling on the patron saint of lost items... apparently there is no need to bury a statue for this saint...
this is where we launched from - that's not fog - it's smoke from all the fires here - currently over 230 wildfires in florida.
dang, where's my rod and reel when i need them???
getting close!!! that's a cypress swamp normally - florida is in extreme drought, hence the wildfires...
ummm... this may be harder than we thought... that grass is 5' tall - and so am i...
found it!!! and it only took us 20 minutes or so... he was calling on the patron saint of lost items... apparently there is no need to bury a statue for this saint...
no, that's not your eyes - it's blurry on purpose - if i let you see the coordinates, i'd have to kill you... now that's a fine piece of technology recovered... and the bird was definitely d-e-a-d dead.
this one's not!!! that's a limpkin... or so i was told by the expert.
sooo beautiful!
wow - such beauty in the midst of hard times - the cypress roots are exposed due to the drought.
bonus!!! that's a bald eagle eyeing us from the top of a palm tree missing it's crown - probably from a hurricane.
5.08.2007
reach
virginia tech is selling t-shirts to raise money for the victims' families... there are many needs, including funeral expenses and counseling for the students and faculty.
they are 5 bucks each. the website is http://www.hokiesunited.org.vt.edu/.
i'm not trying to talk you into helping... but i am inviting you to participate in the healing process for this community.
they are 5 bucks each. the website is http://www.hokiesunited.org.vt.edu/.
i'm not trying to talk you into helping... but i am inviting you to participate in the healing process for this community.
4.27.2007
joy?
what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release?
- the birth of a child
- laughter
- music - especially the cello
- abandoned worship
angry?
what makes me so angry i could spit?
- manipulation
- lies
- abuse
- injustice - especially political
- cruelty
ache?
what makes me ache?
- the vastness of the ocean and the mountains
- suffering - of any kind - but especially kids
- beauty
- mediocrity (this also fits under angry)
- schloss vollrads kabinett riesling
- the closing scene of love actually
- clearwater fishing camp
faster?
what makes my heart beat faster?
- preparing for a storm to come in
- heading straight into a dangerous situation to help others
- finding something precious that i thought was lost
- finally putting words to a thought that has been eluding me
- being on a boat - this is where i feel most alive
- being in the water
- fighting fires and preventing disaster
heartbeat
by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life.
this is a snippet of the last post. the next 4 posts will seek to answer the questions posed as a way of really seeking to put a finger on the heartbeat of my life. though not verbatim, i am following a basic concept outlined by dan allender in to be told.
because my thoughts are not linear, i am putting all four posts up... they will be works in progress. please know that you are welcome to add your thoughts in the comment section... whether they are something you know about me, or something you've learned about yourself along the way.
this is a snippet of the last post. the next 4 posts will seek to answer the questions posed as a way of really seeking to put a finger on the heartbeat of my life. though not verbatim, i am following a basic concept outlined by dan allender in to be told.
because my thoughts are not linear, i am putting all four posts up... they will be works in progress. please know that you are welcome to add your thoughts in the comment section... whether they are something you know about me, or something you've learned about yourself along the way.
4.25.2007
unrequited
have you ever found yourself at a crossroad, only to discover that you've been there many times before? all the landmarks are the same. the choices are the same - which means you've chosen the same circuitous route the last time you were here. how do you get off the merry-go-round and jump into the fray? how do you choose correctly, so as not to end up here again?
two roads diverged in a wood, and i - i chose the one less traveled, as frost has it. that's all fine and well if life were really just about "choose path a" or "choose path b". however... nothing is as simple as we'd like it to be, nor as clear and certain. Jesus is the Way, but we, by far and large, get to write our own stories. as someone who has made a myriad of poor choices along the way, it's a little disheartening to realize that i can't just sit back and expect the Lord to live for me. He invites us to journey with Him, to step out onto God's stage, to play our role well, as dan allender puts it in to be told. my constant and agonizing dilemma is that i don't have a clue where the stage is, much less which costume to put on, or what role i am to play. from what i've been hearing from the Lord, my life exists to reveal His glory, and to reveal an aspect of His character that no other life can. that's a cool thought - i just wish He had seen fit to send me a script.
let's take a little tangent to see if i can illustrate the larger thought process going on here - stick with me - it will seem convoluted, but hopefully, i will be able to wrap the thoughts together into some form of cohesive whole... i made a conscious decision to stick with my marriage long after it was nothing but a farce. i had convinced myself that i needed to do everything in my power to "make it work" so that i could look back and say that i tried everything i possibly could before i gave up - when, in reality, i had already given up. given the perspective of time and a little wisdom, i begin to see the flaws in that reasoning. my marriage was dead and doomed far before my ex left me. so what really led me to stay for many more years than i should have? the awful and honest answer is pride. i had to convince myself that i would shoulder no blame for the failure... which is total bullshit. of course i shoulder and share blame for failure - how arrogant and stupid of me to waste precious time "doing everything that i could" when there was nothing left to be saved. (i suppose i should add the caveat that we were unequally yoked...)
there was nothing about the extra years added to my marriage that glorified God. there was nothing there that pointed to Him... it was only after he had finally left me, and i finally had my excuse to divorce him - and promptly fell flat on my face - that the Lord showed up to fix anything. in my utter brokenness, He was able to finally get my attention, nay, submission, that He was really after... and i became teachable.
one of the words consistently used to describe me is "strong." i became "strong" as a way to cope with all life threw at me. let me just tell you, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. without the Lord, being strong equates to being hard, instead of the gentle strength that the Lord intends for us to possess. being "strong" required the Lord to be "stronger" than me. He allowed a series of major life events to happen in my life, one at a time, right on the heels of each other, and it was the sum of these events that eventually broke me, well before i understood the concept of brokenness - or was at least able to recognize it, and therefore name it.
so what about the life i lead right now glorifies God? not much is my biggest fear. what am i doing for the Kingdom of God? more importantly - what am i going to do for the Kingdom? these are the answers that i'm seeking, and the questions continually bring me back to this place - i've been brought back to this crossroad, able to recognize that i've been here before - and that i'd rather not come back to this place again... ever. so how do i put this behind me, so that i don't return to this place of loneliness, fear and uncertainty?
by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life. life is a journey into the heart of God, is it not? journeys don't imply places of rest, peace and respite... although i will surely encounter all of those many times in this life. journeys also involve aching with loneliness and death, struggle and defeat, triumph and joy. one of the ministers of my former church put it this way - find a problem and be a part of the solution. that leaves a ginormous number of possibilities, and i'd much rather be called with more specificity. the enormity of possibility is too overwhelming for me.
i've often described life as a series of seasons - i think "jaunts" may be a better word. these jaunts connect to become the larger foray into living life well. what matters most to me is that i reveal the character and glory of God along each jaunt... which brings me to the original thought for this post. i don't have difficulties embracing the Truth of who God says i am, or the sufficiency of the Cross, or the beauty of redemption. my life right now seems to be a paradigm between embracing the Truth and truly walking in it... and what does that look like, anyway? apparently not like i expected it to...
in this moment, watching the relentless onslaught of the waters of the gulf of mexico, i am struck by how hard i've tried to live the Truth i've been taught over the past several years - and how discouraging it is that i continue to end up here, at this same crossroad - again. i've taken some time to read back over the posts on this blog, and it seems that i've not made much forward progress in the things that my heart truly struggles with - acceptance, belonging, a deep need to be settled and secure... and needed, wanted and loved. my identity in Christ tells me that i am all these things, and more. would it be horribly uncomfortable for you if i admitted that, as much as i want that to be enough, it's not? i still ache for more... kinda like the little kid in grade school who has no friends and is constantly picked on, who, in an effort to comfort her, is told that Jesus loves her. yeah, that's great, but it doesn't stop the torment. or offering the homeless guy on the side of the road a track... you get the point. I WANT MORE.
here's the problem, as i see it. i've learned the value of community and developed a deep desire to abide there - yet i remove myself from it on a daily basis. my deep need for solitude is juxtaposed over my deep need to be valued. i am constantly barraged with thoughts of not belonging, which points to the warfare set against me. i don't have (much of) a problem with my current circumstances, but many in my life do, and that causes tension between my desire to be accepted and my desire to please God. my heart aches to be loved, and refuses the love offered. i am silent, even as i deeply mourn the silence of others in my life.
recognizing that i am my biggest problem has not yet helped me move forward. i am truly blessed with a few deep and abiding friendships, and we walk together, teaching each other more about loving God and loving man... and loving ourselves. there are other relationships in my life that feel more like curses, and it is time to talk to Jesus about what He wants to do about that. and while i'm so introspective and in a posture to listen... my heart has been mishandled from the beginning, by myself and by others. it's time to talk to Him about that, too.
two roads diverged in a wood, and i - i chose the one less traveled, as frost has it. that's all fine and well if life were really just about "choose path a" or "choose path b". however... nothing is as simple as we'd like it to be, nor as clear and certain. Jesus is the Way, but we, by far and large, get to write our own stories. as someone who has made a myriad of poor choices along the way, it's a little disheartening to realize that i can't just sit back and expect the Lord to live for me. He invites us to journey with Him, to step out onto God's stage, to play our role well, as dan allender puts it in to be told. my constant and agonizing dilemma is that i don't have a clue where the stage is, much less which costume to put on, or what role i am to play. from what i've been hearing from the Lord, my life exists to reveal His glory, and to reveal an aspect of His character that no other life can. that's a cool thought - i just wish He had seen fit to send me a script.
let's take a little tangent to see if i can illustrate the larger thought process going on here - stick with me - it will seem convoluted, but hopefully, i will be able to wrap the thoughts together into some form of cohesive whole... i made a conscious decision to stick with my marriage long after it was nothing but a farce. i had convinced myself that i needed to do everything in my power to "make it work" so that i could look back and say that i tried everything i possibly could before i gave up - when, in reality, i had already given up. given the perspective of time and a little wisdom, i begin to see the flaws in that reasoning. my marriage was dead and doomed far before my ex left me. so what really led me to stay for many more years than i should have? the awful and honest answer is pride. i had to convince myself that i would shoulder no blame for the failure... which is total bullshit. of course i shoulder and share blame for failure - how arrogant and stupid of me to waste precious time "doing everything that i could" when there was nothing left to be saved. (i suppose i should add the caveat that we were unequally yoked...)
there was nothing about the extra years added to my marriage that glorified God. there was nothing there that pointed to Him... it was only after he had finally left me, and i finally had my excuse to divorce him - and promptly fell flat on my face - that the Lord showed up to fix anything. in my utter brokenness, He was able to finally get my attention, nay, submission, that He was really after... and i became teachable.
one of the words consistently used to describe me is "strong." i became "strong" as a way to cope with all life threw at me. let me just tell you, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. without the Lord, being strong equates to being hard, instead of the gentle strength that the Lord intends for us to possess. being "strong" required the Lord to be "stronger" than me. He allowed a series of major life events to happen in my life, one at a time, right on the heels of each other, and it was the sum of these events that eventually broke me, well before i understood the concept of brokenness - or was at least able to recognize it, and therefore name it.
so what about the life i lead right now glorifies God? not much is my biggest fear. what am i doing for the Kingdom of God? more importantly - what am i going to do for the Kingdom? these are the answers that i'm seeking, and the questions continually bring me back to this place - i've been brought back to this crossroad, able to recognize that i've been here before - and that i'd rather not come back to this place again... ever. so how do i put this behind me, so that i don't return to this place of loneliness, fear and uncertainty?
by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life. life is a journey into the heart of God, is it not? journeys don't imply places of rest, peace and respite... although i will surely encounter all of those many times in this life. journeys also involve aching with loneliness and death, struggle and defeat, triumph and joy. one of the ministers of my former church put it this way - find a problem and be a part of the solution. that leaves a ginormous number of possibilities, and i'd much rather be called with more specificity. the enormity of possibility is too overwhelming for me.
i've often described life as a series of seasons - i think "jaunts" may be a better word. these jaunts connect to become the larger foray into living life well. what matters most to me is that i reveal the character and glory of God along each jaunt... which brings me to the original thought for this post. i don't have difficulties embracing the Truth of who God says i am, or the sufficiency of the Cross, or the beauty of redemption. my life right now seems to be a paradigm between embracing the Truth and truly walking in it... and what does that look like, anyway? apparently not like i expected it to...
in this moment, watching the relentless onslaught of the waters of the gulf of mexico, i am struck by how hard i've tried to live the Truth i've been taught over the past several years - and how discouraging it is that i continue to end up here, at this same crossroad - again. i've taken some time to read back over the posts on this blog, and it seems that i've not made much forward progress in the things that my heart truly struggles with - acceptance, belonging, a deep need to be settled and secure... and needed, wanted and loved. my identity in Christ tells me that i am all these things, and more. would it be horribly uncomfortable for you if i admitted that, as much as i want that to be enough, it's not? i still ache for more... kinda like the little kid in grade school who has no friends and is constantly picked on, who, in an effort to comfort her, is told that Jesus loves her. yeah, that's great, but it doesn't stop the torment. or offering the homeless guy on the side of the road a track... you get the point. I WANT MORE.
here's the problem, as i see it. i've learned the value of community and developed a deep desire to abide there - yet i remove myself from it on a daily basis. my deep need for solitude is juxtaposed over my deep need to be valued. i am constantly barraged with thoughts of not belonging, which points to the warfare set against me. i don't have (much of) a problem with my current circumstances, but many in my life do, and that causes tension between my desire to be accepted and my desire to please God. my heart aches to be loved, and refuses the love offered. i am silent, even as i deeply mourn the silence of others in my life.
recognizing that i am my biggest problem has not yet helped me move forward. i am truly blessed with a few deep and abiding friendships, and we walk together, teaching each other more about loving God and loving man... and loving ourselves. there are other relationships in my life that feel more like curses, and it is time to talk to Jesus about what He wants to do about that. and while i'm so introspective and in a posture to listen... my heart has been mishandled from the beginning, by myself and by others. it's time to talk to Him about that, too.
4.18.2007
hope
i woke up to these words (below)... this is the first time i've really been able to pray about what happened at virginia tech. yes, my heart has cried out for the families that lost so much, and the community there that is so deeply shocked and grieving. but today, the first words out of my mouth were a prayer of gratitude, as tears fell for the first time. "Father, thank You so much for a President who is wise enough to know that You are the only Source of comfort and hope for that community... and for his courage to point them to You."
this gratitude was followed quickly by anger aimed at the local media for only showing a snippet of his address where he tells the audience that the nation is thinking about them. "what the hell good does thinking do? what kind of hope does that offer?" i remember those words blazing through my mind as i watched the news last night. the hypocrisy of the media absolutely astounds me. they - by far and large - jump up and down on their 1st amendment right to print whatever the hell they want to, regardless of who it harms, and then dare to turn around and manipulate someone's words so as not to offend.
i'll now step down off my soapbox and allow my heart to return to that state of gratitude and hope. President Bush's words are below. i hope they offer you the same comfort they offered that community, and me. thank you, Mr. President, for your courage and wisdom.
here's the link - President Bush Offers Condolences at Virginia Tech Memorial Convocation
THE PRESIDENT: Governor, thank you. President Steger, thank you very much. Students, and faculty, and staff, and grieving family members, and members of this really extraordinary place.
Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community -- and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. We've come to express our sympathy. In this time of anguish, I hope you know that people all over this country are thinking about you, and asking God to provide comfort for all who have been affected.
Yesterday began like any other day. Students woke up, and they grabbed their backpacks and they headed for class. And soon the day took a dark turn, with students and faculty barricading themselves in classrooms and dormitories -- confused, terrified, and deeply worried. By the end of the morning, it was the worst day of violence on a college campus in American history -- and for many of you here today, it was the worst day of your lives.
It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they're gone -- and they leave behind grieving families, and grieving classmates, and a grieving nation.
In such times as this, we look for sources of strength to sustain us. And in this moment of loss, you're finding these sources everywhere around you. These sources of strength are in this community, this college community. You have a compassionate and resilient community here at Virginia Tech. Even as yesterday's events were still unfolding, members of this community found each other; you came together in dorm rooms and dining halls and on blogs. One recent graduate wrote this: "I don't know most of you guys, but we're all Hokies, which means we're family. To all of you who are okay, I'm happy for that. For those of you who are in pain or have lost someone close to you, I'm sure you can call on anyone of us and have help any time you need it."
These sources of strength are with your loved ones. For many of you, your first instinct was to call home and let your moms and dads know that you were okay. Others took on the terrible duty of calling the relatives of a classmate or a colleague who had been wounded or lost. I know many of you feel awfully far away from people you lean on and people you count on during difficult times. But as a dad, I can assure you, a parent's love is never far from their child's heart. And as you draw closer to your own families in the coming days, I ask you to reach out to those who ache for sons and daughters who will never come home.
These sources of strength are also in the faith that sustains so many of us. Across the town of Blacksburg and in towns all across America, houses of worship from every faith have opened their doors and have lifted you up in prayer. People who have never met you are praying for you; they're praying for your friends who have fallen and who are injured. There's a power in these prayers, real power. In times like this, we can find comfort in the grace and guidance of a loving God. As the Scriptures tell us, "Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
And on this terrible day of mourning, it's hard to imagine that a time will come when life at Virginia Tech will return to normal. But such a day will come. And when it does, you will always remember the friends and teachers who were lost yesterday, and the time you shared with them, and the lives they hoped to lead. May God bless you. May God bless and keep the souls of the lost. And may His love touch all those who suffer and grieve.
this gratitude was followed quickly by anger aimed at the local media for only showing a snippet of his address where he tells the audience that the nation is thinking about them. "what the hell good does thinking do? what kind of hope does that offer?" i remember those words blazing through my mind as i watched the news last night. the hypocrisy of the media absolutely astounds me. they - by far and large - jump up and down on their 1st amendment right to print whatever the hell they want to, regardless of who it harms, and then dare to turn around and manipulate someone's words so as not to offend.
i'll now step down off my soapbox and allow my heart to return to that state of gratitude and hope. President Bush's words are below. i hope they offer you the same comfort they offered that community, and me. thank you, Mr. President, for your courage and wisdom.
here's the link - President Bush Offers Condolences at Virginia Tech Memorial Convocation
THE PRESIDENT: Governor, thank you. President Steger, thank you very much. Students, and faculty, and staff, and grieving family members, and members of this really extraordinary place.
Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community -- and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. We've come to express our sympathy. In this time of anguish, I hope you know that people all over this country are thinking about you, and asking God to provide comfort for all who have been affected.
Yesterday began like any other day. Students woke up, and they grabbed their backpacks and they headed for class. And soon the day took a dark turn, with students and faculty barricading themselves in classrooms and dormitories -- confused, terrified, and deeply worried. By the end of the morning, it was the worst day of violence on a college campus in American history -- and for many of you here today, it was the worst day of your lives.
It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they're gone -- and they leave behind grieving families, and grieving classmates, and a grieving nation.
In such times as this, we look for sources of strength to sustain us. And in this moment of loss, you're finding these sources everywhere around you. These sources of strength are in this community, this college community. You have a compassionate and resilient community here at Virginia Tech. Even as yesterday's events were still unfolding, members of this community found each other; you came together in dorm rooms and dining halls and on blogs. One recent graduate wrote this: "I don't know most of you guys, but we're all Hokies, which means we're family. To all of you who are okay, I'm happy for that. For those of you who are in pain or have lost someone close to you, I'm sure you can call on anyone of us and have help any time you need it."
These sources of strength are with your loved ones. For many of you, your first instinct was to call home and let your moms and dads know that you were okay. Others took on the terrible duty of calling the relatives of a classmate or a colleague who had been wounded or lost. I know many of you feel awfully far away from people you lean on and people you count on during difficult times. But as a dad, I can assure you, a parent's love is never far from their child's heart. And as you draw closer to your own families in the coming days, I ask you to reach out to those who ache for sons and daughters who will never come home.
These sources of strength are also in the faith that sustains so many of us. Across the town of Blacksburg and in towns all across America, houses of worship from every faith have opened their doors and have lifted you up in prayer. People who have never met you are praying for you; they're praying for your friends who have fallen and who are injured. There's a power in these prayers, real power. In times like this, we can find comfort in the grace and guidance of a loving God. As the Scriptures tell us, "Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
And on this terrible day of mourning, it's hard to imagine that a time will come when life at Virginia Tech will return to normal. But such a day will come. And when it does, you will always remember the friends and teachers who were lost yesterday, and the time you shared with them, and the lives they hoped to lead. May God bless you. May God bless and keep the souls of the lost. And may His love touch all those who suffer and grieve.
4.15.2007
ruined, again
[many of the ideas here are not original thought - they are largely lessons learned from the team at ransomed heart, and from the ring, and things He's shown me along the way...]
Jesus ruined my life.
you know... the life i had all planned out growing up. not dreams, per se, but life according to ann. my plan. my life.
my life, huh? ummm... not so much - but i have a sneaking suspicion that He has so much more in store for this life than i've ever dared to imagine.
if my life had turned out as planned, let's look at what my life would look like today. (i'll keep it to adulthood, for the sake of readability) i got married at 22, and immediately started trying to have kids. i wanted 3-4 boys (NO girls!) and i was going to be finished having kids by age 30. i bought my first house at age 23, and planned to own my home outright by flipping homes 3 times. so by now, i would have been married 12 years, had 3-4 boys and been working on house number 3.
now, let's look at what my life actually looks like. i'm divorced. and single. no kids. no home. no job, for that matter.
now, it seems to me that when the Lord strips away EVERY aspect of your life, He has a damn good reason for doing so. circumstantially, from the outside looking in, my life is pretty scary to most people. in His eyes, it's EXACTLY what it's supposed to be... strange that He has taken so much time, involved so many people and has gone to so much trouble just for me. God doesn't strike me as One to jack around with His kids' lives just for the entertainment factor - although i have to admit to imagining Him getting a really good, deep-down belly laugh from my antics, shaking His head in wonder or bemusement every now and again.
He didn't just ruin my life. He ruined me. there's a couple of things i've learned about the Lord over the years. He's a REALLY BIG GOD. He is faithful, especially when we are not. you don't have the power to screw up His plans. you can choose to participate to the fullest, or stay in the margins. He is not safe. He's an insane risk-taker. He's incredibly vulnerable, with a quiet strength that just staggers me. He's wildly lavish, and decidedly jealous. He will break you to have you, and He will ruin your life. He is passionate in His pursuit of you, and will do anything to win your heart... which just happens to be the one thing He can't take from you.
when you really wrap your brain around Who He is (good luck with that), around His extravagant love for us... just a glimmer of that knowledge will absolutely ruin you. it will wipe away every preconceived notion of what life is supposed to look like, who you thought He was, what you thought the message of the Gospels is - all ruined, just like that. poof. and when you come face to face with your sulf-sufficient pride, arrogance - your humanity - sigh. and then He... He brings you fully into His heart, and you realize that there is more going on here than you dared to imagine. "i wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" sam wonders in the fellowship of the ring. yes, exactly.
following Jesus is not about behavior modification. it's not about being good or following the rules. it's not about duty or obligation or even sin (GASP)... and it's not about circumstances. following Jesus is about love. it's that simple, and that profound... and that beautiful.
Jesus ruined my life.
you know... the life i had all planned out growing up. not dreams, per se, but life according to ann. my plan. my life.
my life, huh? ummm... not so much - but i have a sneaking suspicion that He has so much more in store for this life than i've ever dared to imagine.
if my life had turned out as planned, let's look at what my life would look like today. (i'll keep it to adulthood, for the sake of readability) i got married at 22, and immediately started trying to have kids. i wanted 3-4 boys (NO girls!) and i was going to be finished having kids by age 30. i bought my first house at age 23, and planned to own my home outright by flipping homes 3 times. so by now, i would have been married 12 years, had 3-4 boys and been working on house number 3.
now, let's look at what my life actually looks like. i'm divorced. and single. no kids. no home. no job, for that matter.
now, it seems to me that when the Lord strips away EVERY aspect of your life, He has a damn good reason for doing so. circumstantially, from the outside looking in, my life is pretty scary to most people. in His eyes, it's EXACTLY what it's supposed to be... strange that He has taken so much time, involved so many people and has gone to so much trouble just for me. God doesn't strike me as One to jack around with His kids' lives just for the entertainment factor - although i have to admit to imagining Him getting a really good, deep-down belly laugh from my antics, shaking His head in wonder or bemusement every now and again.
He didn't just ruin my life. He ruined me. there's a couple of things i've learned about the Lord over the years. He's a REALLY BIG GOD. He is faithful, especially when we are not. you don't have the power to screw up His plans. you can choose to participate to the fullest, or stay in the margins. He is not safe. He's an insane risk-taker. He's incredibly vulnerable, with a quiet strength that just staggers me. He's wildly lavish, and decidedly jealous. He will break you to have you, and He will ruin your life. He is passionate in His pursuit of you, and will do anything to win your heart... which just happens to be the one thing He can't take from you.
when you really wrap your brain around Who He is (good luck with that), around His extravagant love for us... just a glimmer of that knowledge will absolutely ruin you. it will wipe away every preconceived notion of what life is supposed to look like, who you thought He was, what you thought the message of the Gospels is - all ruined, just like that. poof. and when you come face to face with your sulf-sufficient pride, arrogance - your humanity - sigh. and then He... He brings you fully into His heart, and you realize that there is more going on here than you dared to imagine. "i wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" sam wonders in the fellowship of the ring. yes, exactly.
following Jesus is not about behavior modification. it's not about being good or following the rules. it's not about duty or obligation or even sin (GASP)... and it's not about circumstances. following Jesus is about love. it's that simple, and that profound... and that beautiful.
4.12.2007
cooper's blog
so many of you have been asking for updates on cooper. well, little did i know that he has a blog! his link is to the right - i encourage you to read the entire blog when you have a chance - such an awesome testimony of God's faithfulness and his parent's faith.
on behalf of the lusk's and the ring community church, THANK YOU for your love and your prayers.
GOD IS SOOO GOOD!!!
on behalf of the lusk's and the ring community church, THANK YOU for your love and your prayers.
GOD IS SOOO GOOD!!!
influence, part 3
yes, i realize that you've not read "influence, part 2" - it ending up being a prayer, and will only exist as a draft.
the only purpose of writing "influence, part 3" is to simply say that there won't be any more posts in this series. all fears that were circling in my heart and mind have been allayed by the Lord with the psalm quoted in "ruined" and there is no reason to dwell or tarry there.
HE has made me a promise, and i trust HIM with all my heart.
the only purpose of writing "influence, part 3" is to simply say that there won't be any more posts in this series. all fears that were circling in my heart and mind have been allayed by the Lord with the psalm quoted in "ruined" and there is no reason to dwell or tarry there.
HE has made me a promise, and i trust HIM with all my heart.
ruined
the Lord gave me this psalm in mexico, a much-needed reassurance for my heart... i love how He calms my fears, not just for the craziness that is my life, but my fears for others that i love so deeply.
this crazy, wild Lover God has ruined my life... and i love Him for it.
1 Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
4 For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
8 Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
10 The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
--psalm 33 (niv) (emphasis mine)
this crazy, wild Lover God has ruined my life... and i love Him for it.
1 Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
4 For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
8 Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
10 The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
--psalm 33 (niv) (emphasis mine)
3.27.2007
yes and amen
one day, my heart will reflect the words to the song below. until then, i can only follow my heart, with much fear and trembling.
"HE will break you to have you." well, the wrestling match is over, and i lost. i'm broken, by HIM and for HIM.
yes and amen
hear Your people saying yes
hear Your people saying yes to You
yes to anything You ask
yes to anything we´re called to do
hear Your people say amen
hear Your people say amen to You
let Your kingdom come on earth
let it be just like we prayed to You
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart
yes and amen to everything that You have planned
we live to see Your will be done
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth
yes and amen
we´re taking up our cross for You
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through
we live to see Your will be done
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth
all the promises are yes
all the promises are yes in You
every good and perfect gift
every blessing that we have was You
--Matt Redman, Robert Marvin and Josiah Bell
©2006 Thankyou Music (administered worldwide by EMI CMG Publishing, excluding the UK which is administered by Kingswaysongs.com) lyrics from www.mattredman.com
"HE will break you to have you." well, the wrestling match is over, and i lost. i'm broken, by HIM and for HIM.
yes and amen
hear Your people saying yes
hear Your people saying yes to You
yes to anything You ask
yes to anything we´re called to do
hear Your people say amen
hear Your people say amen to You
let Your kingdom come on earth
let it be just like we prayed to You
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart
yes and amen to everything that You have planned
we live to see Your will be done
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth
yes and amen
we´re taking up our cross for You
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through
we live to see Your will be done
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth
all the promises are yes
all the promises are yes in You
every good and perfect gift
every blessing that we have was You
--Matt Redman, Robert Marvin and Josiah Bell
©2006 Thankyou Music (administered worldwide by EMI CMG Publishing, excluding the UK which is administered by Kingswaysongs.com) lyrics from www.mattredman.com
3.22.2007
extravagant
what a way to begin captivating 2!!! sometimes, the Lord just likes to show off...
we went to see chris tomlin, matt redman AND louis giglio at the pmac wednesday night - what an awesome gift from the Lord, and an amazing way to prepare our hearts for what He has in store for us high up in the rockies!
His love truly is extravagant!!!
we went to see chris tomlin, matt redman AND louis giglio at the pmac wednesday night - what an awesome gift from the Lord, and an amazing way to prepare our hearts for what He has in store for us high up in the rockies!
His love truly is extravagant!!!
3.18.2007
eva
welcome to a very deep place in my heart...
introducing eva cassidy - one of the greatest blues artists to ever live. this is "fields of gold", written by sting, and covered on her "live at blues alley" cd. this is one of my favorite songs of all time.
introducing eva cassidy - one of the greatest blues artists to ever live. this is "fields of gold", written by sting, and covered on her "live at blues alley" cd. this is one of my favorite songs of all time.
3.16.2007
influence, part 1
the next few posts will not be light reading. there is much here you may not agree with. that's ok. they are my thoughts, and i don't claim to be 100% right. you are welcome to chime in to agree, disagree, or offer your own thoughts... if, through these words, i have caused you to dwell, to tarry, to think... then i will have accomplished what hoped i would with these posts.
i've been mulling over this idea for about a month now, knowing it needs to be written out - there's been much pondering and praying for words to convey what's been circling in my heart and mind. i am pressed hard to write today, so i am... but i don't really have a clue what's going to come out of these fingertips yet. nothing rehearsed, no organized thoughts... just ideas and words swirling around.
i think that most people in my world - including myself - don't realize the influence that they have on others, and that others have on them. at least, i hope that's the case... because influence is a funny thing - it can easily be used for good or bad, despite our best intentions, which points to the very real need to filter everything we say, do and/or hear through the Word of God... and sometimes that's tricky, too, because it's very easy to latch onto one verse that seems to support our viewpoint or position, but it's all too easy to twist and warp the Truth of God's Word into something that's not truth at all.
take the book of james, for example. we've been studying it for the past few weeks, so it jumps readily to mind as a good example of a bad influence. i've never liked the book of james (gasp) until we really dived in and studied it backwards and forwards. kudos to the people who prepare the material for community groups, for in my humble opinion, they have done an EXCELLENT job of taking a difficult text and making sense of it. i say "difficult" from a strictly personal viewpoint - you'd think that as much as i dislike dancing around issues that i would really dig james' refusal to 'mince words', as josh put it. my dislike for that particular book stemmed from how easily and frequently one verse can be taken out of context... and used to persecute and harm untold numbers of people over the ages. think salem. think the crusades. think of the ultra-conservative theologians or clergymen who ostracize God's children, standing on their interpretation of "truth", without taking the entire text into consideration, or the intended audience, or the context, or any of the significant factors that make God's Word beautiful and life-giving, instead of ammunition meant to kill and destroy.
i believe that we are ultimately responsible before the Lord for our words, our actions, our decisions - our lives - and will have to stand before Him one day to account for them. i believe fully in the grace of Christ, but it still makes me weak in the knees when i really think about that day. when thinking about that day, it's easier to wrap our minds around what we've done wrong in our lives (deliberate sin) than it is to really dig in and think about the less obvious aspects of our lives - motive comes readily to mind, and is perfectly in line with a discussion on influence.
to be continued...
i've been mulling over this idea for about a month now, knowing it needs to be written out - there's been much pondering and praying for words to convey what's been circling in my heart and mind. i am pressed hard to write today, so i am... but i don't really have a clue what's going to come out of these fingertips yet. nothing rehearsed, no organized thoughts... just ideas and words swirling around.
i think that most people in my world - including myself - don't realize the influence that they have on others, and that others have on them. at least, i hope that's the case... because influence is a funny thing - it can easily be used for good or bad, despite our best intentions, which points to the very real need to filter everything we say, do and/or hear through the Word of God... and sometimes that's tricky, too, because it's very easy to latch onto one verse that seems to support our viewpoint or position, but it's all too easy to twist and warp the Truth of God's Word into something that's not truth at all.
take the book of james, for example. we've been studying it for the past few weeks, so it jumps readily to mind as a good example of a bad influence. i've never liked the book of james (gasp) until we really dived in and studied it backwards and forwards. kudos to the people who prepare the material for community groups, for in my humble opinion, they have done an EXCELLENT job of taking a difficult text and making sense of it. i say "difficult" from a strictly personal viewpoint - you'd think that as much as i dislike dancing around issues that i would really dig james' refusal to 'mince words', as josh put it. my dislike for that particular book stemmed from how easily and frequently one verse can be taken out of context... and used to persecute and harm untold numbers of people over the ages. think salem. think the crusades. think of the ultra-conservative theologians or clergymen who ostracize God's children, standing on their interpretation of "truth", without taking the entire text into consideration, or the intended audience, or the context, or any of the significant factors that make God's Word beautiful and life-giving, instead of ammunition meant to kill and destroy.
i believe that we are ultimately responsible before the Lord for our words, our actions, our decisions - our lives - and will have to stand before Him one day to account for them. i believe fully in the grace of Christ, but it still makes me weak in the knees when i really think about that day. when thinking about that day, it's easier to wrap our minds around what we've done wrong in our lives (deliberate sin) than it is to really dig in and think about the less obvious aspects of our lives - motive comes readily to mind, and is perfectly in line with a discussion on influence.
to be continued...
3.10.2007
annie's song!!!
i found it!!!
ok, so it's not the original 1974 version (i'm a purist, what can i say?) but this will still let you experience it as a worship song...
click here to go back to the original post so you can read the lyrics as you listen with both your heart and your mind...
that's just good stuff.
ok, so it's not the original 1974 version (i'm a purist, what can i say?) but this will still let you experience it as a worship song...
click here to go back to the original post so you can read the lyrics as you listen with both your heart and your mind...
that's just good stuff.
3.08.2007
truth
last summer, even after hearing a resounding "YES" from the Lord about joining the ring, i still needed my heart and mind to line up.
it turned out to be a very easy decision to make. it came down to one question... just one.
"am i being fed TRUTH consistently, not just on sundays, but all the time in my interaction within this community?"
the immediate answer was, "YES"... and every now and again, He proves it to me just to punctuate His answer.
i love it when He does that.
it turned out to be a very easy decision to make. it came down to one question... just one.
"am i being fed TRUTH consistently, not just on sundays, but all the time in my interaction within this community?"
the immediate answer was, "YES"... and every now and again, He proves it to me just to punctuate His answer.
i love it when He does that.
3.02.2007
relevant
i've been asked a lot of questions and had much concern expressed by many of you, prompted by the last couple of posts. churning on the responses, it's occurred to me that there is one question conspicuously absent:
what does Jesus have to say?
it seems to me that hearing His voice is paramount right now... it is of the utmost import. i could be totally off here, but isn't the whole point of Christ's return, the atonement, the restoration, the salvation, the sanctification - all of it - isn't walking with God about ever-increasing dependence on Him? at the core of it, isn't that what faith truly is? i can't think of one instance in the Bible where we are instructed or encouraged to become independent from God - that's what got us in this mess to begin with, all the way back in the garden.
please know that i'm not disagreeing with any of you, or trying to pick a fight. this is a struggle in my mind, and i welcome any thoughts you are willing to share.
what does Jesus have to say?
it seems to me that hearing His voice is paramount right now... it is of the utmost import. i could be totally off here, but isn't the whole point of Christ's return, the atonement, the restoration, the salvation, the sanctification - all of it - isn't walking with God about ever-increasing dependence on Him? at the core of it, isn't that what faith truly is? i can't think of one instance in the Bible where we are instructed or encouraged to become independent from God - that's what got us in this mess to begin with, all the way back in the garden.
please know that i'm not disagreeing with any of you, or trying to pick a fight. this is a struggle in my mind, and i welcome any thoughts you are willing to share.
2.27.2007
silent
my frustration level is running on high octane right now... the decisions i need to make become more and more convoluted and confusing as time passes. stemming from a desperate need to understand what the hell is going on in my life, i'm putting to words what i believe are my options. because this is such an inward-focused post, it may not make any sense at all to you - and that, in some ways, is deliberate. i need to be able to get it all out and not worry about it's readability. call it brainstorming, heartsearching, bellyacheing, whatever, but this one is for me. i share it with you because i believe so stongly in sharing our lives with one another - but i make no promises as to you having a clue what i'm writing about.
the way i see it:
option 1 - seattle - mhgs
option 2 - seattle - job
option 3 - baton rouge - nobts
option 4 - baton rouge - job
option 5 - baton rouge - lsu
option 6 - run away
the way He sees it:
options 1-6 - lack of faith
on top of all this is a silent disapproval that permeates many of my relationships... which stems from a lack of understanding and social norms. i totally get it that you don't get it - i don't get it either.
the way i see it:
option 1 - seattle - mhgs
option 2 - seattle - job
option 3 - baton rouge - nobts
option 4 - baton rouge - job
option 5 - baton rouge - lsu
option 6 - run away
the way He sees it:
options 1-6 - lack of faith
on top of all this is a silent disapproval that permeates many of my relationships... which stems from a lack of understanding and social norms. i totally get it that you don't get it - i don't get it either.
2.25.2007
unexpected
so much for me trying to get my sleep schedule back to anything resembling "normal"... with the addition of the music player to this blog, i've been searching through all my old music to find songs that mean something to me so that i can share them with you. this morning, i was up past 4 am looking for one particular song. the name was eluding me, and that was driving me nuts... so, stubborn one that i am, i dug out some old cd's that i burned almost 5 years ago, to the day - i burned them right around the time my divorce was finalized.
i have never listened to them.
i know that's strange - but i knew when i burned them that my intent was not to listen to them, but rather to capture a season of my life so as not to lose it. i wanted to capture all of the emotion, pain, fear and loneliness of that time, even as i wanted a place where the good memories could remain, intact and unforgotten. the cd's are entitled, "heartbreak 1" and "heartbreak 2". going through them tonight, it's amazing how beautifully they reflect the end of a relationship, the end of that part of my life, and how they even manage to allow some of the good times to bring a smile to my face. even as my heart tugged, there were very few tears... i only actually cried when enya's "intro to watermark" came on - how random is that??? out of 40 songs ranging from clint black and keith whitley (yes, country - what else fits so well in this situation?), the calling to stp, rem to system of a down, godsmack to son volt, bad company to nirvana, alice in chains to pavarotti... the songs manage to capture all of the emotions, and, in some very strange way, to validate them. the pain was real, and even with the passing of time and the fading of those memories, it's strange to realize that i need those emotions to be valid and real.
huh. i never realized that i needed that until just now.
the lack of tears was unexpected and somehow reassuring. to find that i have reached a point where i can look back and smile, remember, and KNOW that part of my heart is healed... that's priceless. it was quite an experience to listen to the music, remember the pain, and it not be about my ex. it was rather surreal, now that i think back over it. the pain was dull and sharp, all at the same time, but it wasn't about him, it was about the death of the relationship. strange distinction, i know, but real all the same.
Jesus stepped into the darkness that still lurks deep in the recesses of my heart, and although He has already done so much, He continues His healing work - sometimes without me even realizing it. there are other wounds stemming from that time in my life that are yet to be addressed... but it seems as though He brought me there tonight just to show me how far He's taken me. i think He just offered me a gentle nudge of reassurance that He is continuing His work of changing and softening and reshaping my heart. that's so amazing to me... and so gracious of Him to go back to that place with me, especially because i didn't even know i needed to go back.
i've never been one to look back very often - i believe my life is about where i am going, not about where i've been. i do so every now and again here on this blog as a way to share my life with you, and as a way for me to go back and let Him finish anything left unattended after all this time. i think it's fair to say that i am not normally given to shying away from pain, conflict or struggle - and i think it's cool that He's pointed out that He was redeveloping and reshaping those qualities even back then. it's incredible to look back now and see His hand all over this life. i love how personal He is! speaking of - brian has a great post up right now about how personal Jesus is - not just Jesus Himself, but His message, His way - all of Him is just, well, intimately involved and intertwined in our lives, throughout our lives. nate also has a really good post that explores this... this... inward invasion of our hearts.
inward invasion - that's exactly right! Jesus stands, just here, waiting for us to ask Him in. once we do... watch out. He's up to more than just binding up the brokenhearted - He's here to stay, and His presence creates a longing, a yearning, for MORE - more healing, more love, more of our hearts given over to Him, day after day. in my experience, i couldn't just give Him my heart and all the brokenness there... at least, it wasn't a one-time deal. trusting Him as Savior is one thing - getting to know Him is quite another experience. we keep going back, going deeper. the whole point of intimacy is a complete and thorough knowledge of one another - reciprocity is the key that allows for relationship. the overflow of this relationship is love - love for God and love for man. those would be commandments 1 and 2, as it turns out. funny that, as that's where release for the prisoners (oppressed) begins, as well. (in case you're unfamiliar with the text, i'm referencing isaiah 61:1-2, which Jesus quoted in luke 4:18-19 when He revealed Himself as the Christ.)
i'm not sure how i progressed from looking for a song, to realizing that my pain was real and valid, to recognizing His inward invasion of my heart, and, from all this, to have arrived at the very basics of being a disciple of Christ - love. He's doing something pretty crazy in me. in the space of 12 or so hours (it's taken a while to get this post right), He's taken me from the death of a tangible relationship to the reality of life with Him.
from death to life... that's the beauty of the Gospel. it's the allure of the invitation to freedom and life... and the invitation to die, so that we may live - and that others may live, as well.
i have never listened to them.
i know that's strange - but i knew when i burned them that my intent was not to listen to them, but rather to capture a season of my life so as not to lose it. i wanted to capture all of the emotion, pain, fear and loneliness of that time, even as i wanted a place where the good memories could remain, intact and unforgotten. the cd's are entitled, "heartbreak 1" and "heartbreak 2". going through them tonight, it's amazing how beautifully they reflect the end of a relationship, the end of that part of my life, and how they even manage to allow some of the good times to bring a smile to my face. even as my heart tugged, there were very few tears... i only actually cried when enya's "intro to watermark" came on - how random is that??? out of 40 songs ranging from clint black and keith whitley (yes, country - what else fits so well in this situation?), the calling to stp, rem to system of a down, godsmack to son volt, bad company to nirvana, alice in chains to pavarotti... the songs manage to capture all of the emotions, and, in some very strange way, to validate them. the pain was real, and even with the passing of time and the fading of those memories, it's strange to realize that i need those emotions to be valid and real.
huh. i never realized that i needed that until just now.
the lack of tears was unexpected and somehow reassuring. to find that i have reached a point where i can look back and smile, remember, and KNOW that part of my heart is healed... that's priceless. it was quite an experience to listen to the music, remember the pain, and it not be about my ex. it was rather surreal, now that i think back over it. the pain was dull and sharp, all at the same time, but it wasn't about him, it was about the death of the relationship. strange distinction, i know, but real all the same.
Jesus stepped into the darkness that still lurks deep in the recesses of my heart, and although He has already done so much, He continues His healing work - sometimes without me even realizing it. there are other wounds stemming from that time in my life that are yet to be addressed... but it seems as though He brought me there tonight just to show me how far He's taken me. i think He just offered me a gentle nudge of reassurance that He is continuing His work of changing and softening and reshaping my heart. that's so amazing to me... and so gracious of Him to go back to that place with me, especially because i didn't even know i needed to go back.
i've never been one to look back very often - i believe my life is about where i am going, not about where i've been. i do so every now and again here on this blog as a way to share my life with you, and as a way for me to go back and let Him finish anything left unattended after all this time. i think it's fair to say that i am not normally given to shying away from pain, conflict or struggle - and i think it's cool that He's pointed out that He was redeveloping and reshaping those qualities even back then. it's incredible to look back now and see His hand all over this life. i love how personal He is! speaking of - brian has a great post up right now about how personal Jesus is - not just Jesus Himself, but His message, His way - all of Him is just, well, intimately involved and intertwined in our lives, throughout our lives. nate also has a really good post that explores this... this... inward invasion of our hearts.
inward invasion - that's exactly right! Jesus stands, just here, waiting for us to ask Him in. once we do... watch out. He's up to more than just binding up the brokenhearted - He's here to stay, and His presence creates a longing, a yearning, for MORE - more healing, more love, more of our hearts given over to Him, day after day. in my experience, i couldn't just give Him my heart and all the brokenness there... at least, it wasn't a one-time deal. trusting Him as Savior is one thing - getting to know Him is quite another experience. we keep going back, going deeper. the whole point of intimacy is a complete and thorough knowledge of one another - reciprocity is the key that allows for relationship. the overflow of this relationship is love - love for God and love for man. those would be commandments 1 and 2, as it turns out. funny that, as that's where release for the prisoners (oppressed) begins, as well. (in case you're unfamiliar with the text, i'm referencing isaiah 61:1-2, which Jesus quoted in luke 4:18-19 when He revealed Himself as the Christ.)
i'm not sure how i progressed from looking for a song, to realizing that my pain was real and valid, to recognizing His inward invasion of my heart, and, from all this, to have arrived at the very basics of being a disciple of Christ - love. He's doing something pretty crazy in me. in the space of 12 or so hours (it's taken a while to get this post right), He's taken me from the death of a tangible relationship to the reality of life with Him.
from death to life... that's the beauty of the Gospel. it's the allure of the invitation to freedom and life... and the invitation to die, so that we may live - and that others may live, as well.
2.23.2007
music!!!
and the master, the man... introducing matthew and his mad skillz
----> a radio!!!
woo hoo!!! go matthew, go matthew, go matthew!!!
----> a radio!!!
woo hoo!!! go matthew, go matthew, go matthew!!!
2.21.2007
decide
this is today's entry from diary of an old soul by george mcdonald. any attempt by me to comment or expound on it will only take away from it's beauty.
'Tis--shall thy will be done for me?--or mine,
And I be made a thing not after thine--
My own, and dear in paltriest details?
Shall I be born of God, or of mere man?
Be made like Christ, or on some other plan?--
I let all run--set thou and trim my sails;
Home then my course, let blow whatever gales.
2.20.2007
perspective 2
so this wasn't the song i thought i was posting next, but it's been circling in my mind. again, if you know it, try to refrain from singing it to yourself as you read the words - view it through the lens of worship, but with a cool twist - HE is singing to us... i love the passionate pursuit and desire for deep intimacy that this song conveys - especially from His perspective... "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - zephaniah 3:17
-- follow me, written by john denver
it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done
to be so in love with you and so alone
follow Me where I go
what I do and who I know
make it part of you to be a part of Me
follow Me up and down
all the way and all around
take My hand and say you’ll follow Me
it’s long been on My mind
you know it’s been a long, long time
I’ve tried to find the way that I can make you understand
the way I feel about you and just how much I need you
to be there where I can talk to you
when there’s no one else around
you see I’d like to share My life with you
and show you things I’ve seen
places that I’m going to
places where I’ve been
to have you there beside Me and never be alone
and all the time that you’re with Me
we will be at home
-- follow me, written by john denver
2.17.2007
forty-seven
[this is a joint effort by me, katie, paula and nate... we're all in this together]
our annual concentrated time of prayer is typically known as "the 30 days". that time has now been stretched to 43 days, to include january 1 through february 12. this year, it was extended to 47 days, as we held our first family meeting on february 16. 47 days of prayer, of spiritual craziness and watching God trump the enemy again and again and again.
what we want to record here is a list of lessons learned this year, so as not to go into next year unprepared. some are obvious, some are not. this list is a way to remember - a place to come back to reflect and, hopefully, allow the Lord to continue to teach us over time.
our annual concentrated time of prayer is typically known as "the 30 days". that time has now been stretched to 43 days, to include january 1 through february 12. this year, it was extended to 47 days, as we held our first family meeting on february 16. 47 days of prayer, of spiritual craziness and watching God trump the enemy again and again and again.
what we want to record here is a list of lessons learned this year, so as not to go into next year unprepared. some are obvious, some are not. this list is a way to remember - a place to come back to reflect and, hopefully, allow the Lord to continue to teach us over time.
- don't go into this expecting to get your ass kicked - because you will
- drama is self-inflicted - it is a choice
- not everyone intercedes in the same way - some petition, some have divine insight, some wrestle with demons, some declare His glory, some just pray it down - but the whole combines into a beautiful canopy of prayer
- when battling demons - the Word is NOT NEGOTIABLE
- when you have nothing nice to say - SHUT UP (note to self)
- the enemy is not very creative - the same tactics work again, and again, and again, and...
- the enemy apparently does not like it when a Body comes together to read Neil T. Anderson's WHO I AM IN CHRIST
- be prepared to come up for "grace filled air" and spur one another on... sometimes that's the only way to get to the finish line
- load your mp3 player with worship music and let it play as you sleep - all night long
- love covers all transgressions (proverbs 10:12)
- when your wife has a 200 pound demon sitting on her while she sleeps, and wakes up swinging and screaming the name of Jesus, don't commit her to the nearest psych ward for a thorazine drip - pray with her instead
- the enemy is targeting us because we are in the center of God's will - the more ferocious the battle, the greater the victory for the Kingdom
- know when to "just" pray, and when to intervene in a situation - sometimes the Lord really does want to show off
- discernment is a beautiful thing - USE IT
- wisdom is a wonderful thing - ASK FOR IT... and apply it
- if the Lord wakes you up in the middle of the night to write an email - get up and write it - immediately
- fast when He tells you to, stop when He releases you
- be intentional about staying away from situations or people that will cause you to lose focus on Him
- give the pastor guy some grace - he really needs it - he is the one really on the front lines
- the enemy is all about causing division and strife... and a little air-headedness (oh, wait - can i blame that on him?)
- unfortunately, being a friend or family member of a crazy intercessor chick during 47 days of spiritual craziness is not as easy as one would like - just a head's up
- rage should only ever be directed at the one deserving of such malice - the enemy of our souls
- the enemy knows our buttons, and will push them mercilessly
- if you really, really, really don't feel like doing something - drag your butt there, even if someone else has to do the dragging
- accountability is an absolute necessity
- be deliberate about praying for yourself FIRST - it's not selfish, it's essential
- if your first thought is to react - DON'T
- recognition brings on opposition - be ready for it
- when you do mess something up, own up to it, apologize and move on
- it's not your job to cover everyone and everything - that's why we are called a BODY
- the Lord will send people your way to help you, teach you, encourage you and love you
- the dots WILL connect
- "worship is the highest form of warfare"
- declare His magnificence in the face of evil AND in His presence
- demonic assault does not just manifest spiritually - he is not beyond physical affliction
- if you can't actually see to read the words on the page in front of you... the book is an absolute must-read... in this case, Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness
- just because it's almost over doesn't mean lightning won't strike again - in the same place
- put others' needs in front of your own - His timing is perfect - you can count on it
- be deliberate in circling the wagons when part of your community is in need of help - even if they don't know it
- when your world goes beyond crazy - hang on - He's about to rock your face
- the Body is what it is because you are who you are (HIS) - don't forget that
- life emerges victorious even in the face of opposition - praise you, Lord!
- hearing, and listening to, the voice of your Shepherd is CRITICAL
- fight against distraction and diminishment with everything you have - you're here for a reason
- just because something HURTS does not mean it's causing HARM
- STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER... before you throw a couple of punches at the monitor
- keep things in perspective - HE will not fail US (joshua 1:5)
2.12.2007
stretch
we made it!!!
the Lord brought the ring community church through our first year. if i had to pick one word to describe the past 365 days, it would be "stretch". we've grown in ways that we never thought of, faced things that we didn't anticipate, celebrated life and mourned loss, danced, sang, ate A LOT... we lived life side-by-side through all sorts of things that came our way.
and the coolest part about it? as josh said last night, this is not about us at all - it's all about Him, and His glory. no way could we have made it through without Him.
but by the grace of God go we, into the next year. may His will be done, now and always.
the Lord brought the ring community church through our first year. if i had to pick one word to describe the past 365 days, it would be "stretch". we've grown in ways that we never thought of, faced things that we didn't anticipate, celebrated life and mourned loss, danced, sang, ate A LOT... we lived life side-by-side through all sorts of things that came our way.
and the coolest part about it? as josh said last night, this is not about us at all - it's all about Him, and His glory. no way could we have made it through without Him.
but by the grace of God go we, into the next year. may His will be done, now and always.
2.11.2007
perspective 1
this is the first of several posts where i plan to take traditionally secular songs and view them through the lens of worship. if you know the song - try to refrain from singing it in your mind while you read it - let your spirit absorb the words.
i've chosen this one first for 2 reasons - katie thought to view this artist's songs through this lens a couple of years ago - and then paula and i were in lifeway last night, and i actually found this one released as a worship song, covered by travis cottrell on the cd, "found".
-- annie's song, written by john denver
i've chosen this one first for 2 reasons - katie thought to view this artist's songs through this lens a couple of years ago - and then paula and i were in lifeway last night, and i actually found this one released as a worship song, covered by travis cottrell on the cd, "found".
You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
come fill me again
come let me love You
let me give my life to You
let me drown in Your laughter
let me die in Your arms
let me lay down beside You
let me always be with You
come let me love You
come love me again
-- annie's song, written by john denver
2.07.2007
faith
i'm reading diary of an old soul by george mcdonald with some friends as a daily devotional this year. here is the one for my birthday:
step by step, into His heart. it is everything i desire... and everything i fear.
Thou near then, I draw nearer--to thy feet,
And sitting in thy shadow, look out on thy shine;
Ready at thy first word to leave my seat--
Not thee: thou goest too. From every clod
Into thy footprint flows the indwelling wine;
And in my daily bread, keen-eyed I greet
It's being's heart, the very body of God.
step by step, into His heart. it is everything i desire... and everything i fear.
1.30.2007
Stronghold
continuing from the last post...
"there" is anywhere, anyone, or any place that leads me away from Him. fill in your own blank - the world, sin, old behaviors, old thought processes...
the Lord has been very faithful lately to break down some serious strongholds in my life... stupid things that have become stumbling blocks over time. He has also been very faithful to bring even the really hard ones to my attention - and to let me suffer through them until i decide enough is enough and allow Him to break them for me, once and for all.
i will seek You, Lord
while i am in my youth,
i will serve You, Lord
and i'll proclaim Your truth,
for you searched and found me
while i was far away,
and in my troubled times
You always keep me safe.
the Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall i fear, whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
whom shall i fear? whom shall i fear?
i know that You are for me,
i praise You 'cause You're for me.
--darrell evans
"there" is anywhere, anyone, or any place that leads me away from Him. fill in your own blank - the world, sin, old behaviors, old thought processes...
the Lord has been very faithful lately to break down some serious strongholds in my life... stupid things that have become stumbling blocks over time. He has also been very faithful to bring even the really hard ones to my attention - and to let me suffer through them until i decide enough is enough and allow Him to break them for me, once and for all.
i will seek You, Lord
while i am in my youth,
i will serve You, Lord
and i'll proclaim Your truth,
for you searched and found me
while i was far away,
and in my troubled times
You always keep me safe.
the Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall i fear, whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
whom shall i fear? whom shall i fear?
i know that You are for me,
i praise You 'cause You're for me.
--darrell evans
there
i don't want to go there - i want to stay here, where it's hard, but Secure.
i don't want to go there - i want to dwell here, where there is risk, but it's Good.
i don't want to go there - i want to rest in peace, weary from the Battle.
i don't want to go there - i want to live, where life is truly Life.
i don't want to go there - i want to be known, and not have to hide.
i don't want to go there - i want to thirst, and drink deeply of His grace.
i don't want to go there - i want to yearn, knowing that He will satisfy.
i don't want to go there - i want to awaken, heart fully alive.
i don't want to go there - i want to trust, knowing that His heart is good.
i don't want to go there - i want to know the weight of His glory, and mine.
i don't want to go there - i want the hope of a life fully restored.
i don't want to go there - i want to have joy, especially when life hurts.
i don't want to go there - i want to stop doubting, to have faith and be faithful.
i don't want to go there - i want to weep for HIM who is LOVE.
i don't want to go there - i want to not worry, and go dance with my Lord.
i don't want to go there - i want my flesh to die and resurrect in Him.
i don't want to go there - i want to abide in the constancy of Christ.
i don't want to go there - i want to be holy, pure and lovely - the Bride.
i don't want to go there - i want to desire, to long, for Jesus alone.
i don't want to go there... why do i keep going back?
but in the pain, there is beauty, for He is all that is True, and Good and Beautiful.
everything i want is already mine. i must choose, daily, to walk in that Truth... and realize, perhaps more importantly, that HE will not fail ME. (joshua 1)
i don't want to go there - i want to dwell here, where there is risk, but it's Good.
i don't want to go there - i want to rest in peace, weary from the Battle.
i don't want to go there - i want to live, where life is truly Life.
i don't want to go there - i want to be known, and not have to hide.
i don't want to go there - i want to thirst, and drink deeply of His grace.
i don't want to go there - i want to yearn, knowing that He will satisfy.
i don't want to go there - i want to awaken, heart fully alive.
i don't want to go there - i want to trust, knowing that His heart is good.
i don't want to go there - i want to know the weight of His glory, and mine.
i don't want to go there - i want the hope of a life fully restored.
i don't want to go there - i want to have joy, especially when life hurts.
i don't want to go there - i want to stop doubting, to have faith and be faithful.
i don't want to go there - i want to weep for HIM who is LOVE.
i don't want to go there - i want to not worry, and go dance with my Lord.
i don't want to go there - i want my flesh to die and resurrect in Him.
i don't want to go there - i want to abide in the constancy of Christ.
i don't want to go there - i want to be holy, pure and lovely - the Bride.
i don't want to go there - i want to desire, to long, for Jesus alone.
i don't want to go there... why do i keep going back?
but in the pain, there is beauty, for He is all that is True, and Good and Beautiful.
everything i want is already mine. i must choose, daily, to walk in that Truth... and realize, perhaps more importantly, that HE will not fail ME. (joshua 1)
1.26.2007
abandoned
[although this does not surprise me in the least, this is an incredibly difficult post to write. lucky for me that i am an incredibly stubborn individual, when i have to be... as evidenced by the post time of 11-ish, which is when i began, and the fact that it's now 4:34 in the am]
worship is the highest form of warfare.
i learned this at the captivating retreat. yes, i heard the words, understood their meaning... but i experienced it first-hand over and over and over again while we were there. i say "we" because this is about the collective beauty of the women who were absolutely abandoned in their worship, unashamed of their love and need for Jesus.
i've never experienced that level of freedom in worship IN MY LIFE. there were women dancing, praying, laughing, crying, shouting, weeping, standing, sitting, singing, silent, hands raised in fists of victory or defiance, hands stretching out to touch His face, or lying prostrate on the floor - face down or face up - every conceivable way of physical expression of worship in utter abandonment to Him. it was fantastic. it was beautiful. it was freedom.
there were so many women hurting, so many seeking Jesus, so many desperate for true fellowship, bound to the other women by a shared desire to love, and be loved. i've written about this before, but it comes to mind again tonight. (ok, so it's 4-ish in the morning again - i have not yet been to sleep - my disclaimer if this ends up not making any sense...) this has been an incredible couple of days and i find myself longing for that freedom to just exist in a state of pure worship. the Lord has been showing off lately, big time, in many lives around me, including my own. i am brought back to those memories by a very pressing need to express to Him how much i love Him - not just for the amazing things He's doing, but really just because He is who He is.
HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.
although i was there as a participant, the intercessor in me was keenly aware of the spiritual junk going on. i say junk, only to point out that the enemy really stood no chance of getting to us while we were there, not to downplay what was going on spiritually. there was some serious healing taking place and we were taught how to fight to keep it. of course, the on-site intercessors really paved the way for us by covering us in a canopy of prayer... what an amazing calling, and what an amazing gift!
i've read somewhere that intercession and worship go hand in hand as spiritual gifts. that makes perfect sense to me, because, as previously stated, worship is the highest form of warfare. on sunday nights when my spirit is particularly stirred up about something, i make a point to go find our worship leader and encourage him, to remind him that he is leading us to the Lord, to take seriously the fight for the hearts in the room through worship. (not that he doesn't take it seriously - i just have gotten into the habit of giving him a head's up if my spirit is jumping) i find as i tune into the various aspects of the ministry, that there are specific prayer needs for each one. the band needs prayer differently than the pastor... the Body needs prayer differently than the technical team... the diversity of needs makes me depend that much more on the Spirit leading me in prayer. i love how that speaks to His intimate counsel and care for us!
i've sat in the back of the gym at 5:45 prayer, and just looked around. it was like i could almost see the connection of the hearts going on - the intimate conversations between the God of the universe and His kids, simultaneously - intimate and pervasive, all at the same time... like streams of light going up from different areas of the room. i'm not a very imaginative creature, so that's a stretch for me... but a glorious one for Him to allow me to glimpse.
a friend of mine doesn't understand why i surround myself with worship music when i'm driving. it used to be more about keeping my flesh under control and keeping my focus on all things Christ - a constant reminder of the life and the path that i have chosen, that i have been called to and that i intentionally live out day by day. however, the more i grow as an intercessor, the more i learn - mostly by trial and error - the more i realize that i MUST be surrounded by music that calls to my spirit. think about it. the more intentionally i walk into this role as an intercessor, the more of a threat i become to the enemy. the more of a threat i become, the more he wants to take me out.
i went to dinner with a friend of mine tonight, for the sole purpose of celebrating His goodness. i really wish i did that all the time, not just when He decides to step it up a notch. i want to celebrate Him all the time. rejoice in our sufferings, and all that. my heart is not there, but i want it to be... that counts for something, right?
i say all that really to pass along something that i've learned the hard way - when you are under attack, in whatever way it manifests in your life, there is more you can do than "just" pray. chose to be surrounded by music that makes your spirit soar. chose to envelope yourself in something beautiful. chose to sing His praises, even if it's out of pure defiance of the enemy of your soul. abandon yourself to Jesus...
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