staggered

they played this song at the retreat. you may know it, but i have never heard it before. it blew me away. i felt His gaze on me, steady and strong. the truth of His unassuming grace struck me - the vulnerability and strength He displays in not forcing Himself on us - we are free to choose Him - He risks His heart, waiting just there for us - all of us - to risk Him.

i am staggered by Your beauty - Your unassuming grace... wow.



i have been blind, unwilling to see
the true love You're giving
i have ignored every blessing
i'm on my knees confessing
that i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i have been wrong about You
thought i was strong without You
for so long nothing could move me
for so long nothing could change me
now i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am captured by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
[Bridge:]
You are the air that i breathe
You're the ground beneath my feet
when did i stop believing?
cause i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i can't hide
now hear my confession
hear my confession
--- my confession josh groban

breathe

one of the most amazing things about our God is His wisdom - His knowledge that we would need places to go that allow us to breathe - places that are big enough for our spirits to expand and to stretch. there is something about being dwarfed by the land around you that is somehow reassuring to your soul... that the God who created those majestic peaks is so much bigger than even they... some people say that the vastness of the wilderness makes them feel insignificant. i didn't feel that way at all - i felt free.

everything about me is big but me. there's a whole lot of personality, a whole lot of brokenness, a whole lot of dreams and love and desire in there, and i rarely find a place where it is safe, welcomed even, to allow all of me to come out. i've somehow bought into the lie that i am too much. too bold, too passionate, too serious, too self-focused, too intense, too wounded, too scarred, too broken, too whatever - and i renounced that lie in the presence of God. i am not too much - you are not too much - we are the image-bearers of God.

invitation

one of the most amazing things about the ransomed heart team is their willingness and desire to invite me - each one of us, really - into the vision and the message that the Lord has given to and entrusted them with. i have never felt so intimately welcome, cherished, valued and encouraged just because i am His daughter. i don't need any special skills, any particular life experience, anything to define me and to give me worth and value in their eyes except for my love for Jesus, and His for me. what an amazing balm to my heart!

Jesus invites us into the hard places, the hurting places, but He also invites us to dance with Him, to come aside, to be silent before Him, to sing and to cry and to just be still with Him. He invited me away for a walk with Him, showing me the beauty of His creation. He invited me to pray with women from all over the world - and He burdened many women to pray specifically for me - specifically hands on, praying down the Kingdom of Heaven prayer that speaks so directly to my heart... and He created an inescapable need in me to pray even more boldly and incessantly for the team and the women there... that, in and of itself, is a miracle. it's a heart shift away from myself and toward the needs of others. i'm not talking about being willing to serve in a shelter or muck out a flooded house after katrina, and i don't mean searching for a career in Jesus. i've seen many people with hearts to serve others that don't truly live daily for Him - myself included. i realize that you can't truly love Jesus and not have that permanent shift happen eventually, but it's really quite an experience to recognize it as it's happening...

i know Jesus more intimately now than ever before. i've heard about camp highs - how i pray that this is so much more than that! i pray that it is a permanent shift toward Him. i pray that i continue to realize that the invitation stands - all the time - that He waits, just here, for me to turn to Him, to experience all that life has to offer with Him. naive? simple? perhaps...

and perhaps that's ok. perhaps it's ok to live simply trusting Him. perhaps that's the beauty of the invitation... perhaps, just perhaps, it's ok to live my life seeking Him in everything, everywhere, in everyone. i never considered myself a minimalist, just a pretty low-maintenance kind of girl. i don't ask for much... then again, maybe that's what He's been trying to show me.

He told me on that walk that i don't ask for the big things - that i've stopped asking for much - or maybe i've stopped believing that "much" is what i want. i know now that i want a lot - of Him. i intend to accept His invitation to live my life with Him... and that doesn't mean vocationally, or seeking some place to serve, or seeking a "normal" life - i don't even know what that means! i just want to live deeply from my heart, fully alive in Him, all the time. i want that Life to overflow into everything else about me, and into everyone else around me... as josh says, get the vertical right, and the horizontal falls into place...

that invitation is extended to you, as well. there is beauty, there is danger, there is a villian and a Hero to this story we are invited into. will you be content to watch from the safety of mediocrity, or are you willing to step forth, hand stretched out to the One who invites? yes, there will be suffering and sorrow. yes, there will be joy and triumph. yes, there will be hardship and grief. and YES, there will be life in abundance. there will be adventure and romance and love and loss, but we travel together, toward eden.

john eldregde writes in epic, "We have reached the moment where we, too, must find the courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. The hour is late, and much time has been wasted. Aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table... This is our most desperate hour. You are needed."

abide

one of the things we were invited into during the retreat was to open our hearts to the desires that dwell there, to the wounds driven so deeply there, and to journey farther into the ache - to ask Jesus to meet us in that place.

what an amazing concept - to journey farther into the ache. most of us try to stifle it, to ignore it, or to deny it altogether. but to be invited to actually go there, to embrace it, to own it, and then to abide there with Him... wow. there is so much healing that He wants to accomplish - so much He wants access to that i've not acknowledged, much less given Him permission to enter in and to heal.

i am not discounting the tremendous work He had already begun in my heart. He is doing HUGE things in my heart and my life. He just wants more. image that. i've allowed Him into ugly, hurful places in my heart, and He's not repulsed - He wants more.

shimmer

this is the first of several posts about the captivating retreat. you may get sick of hearing about it, but i have to record what happened while it's still fresh in my mind. i don't want to forget one second of it...

God's presence was so thick you could not escape Him if you wanted to. the beauty of the rockies in the fall was enhanced - magnified - by His presence... it's as though the very air around me shimmered with Him... it reminds me of the scene in genesis, just before He began to create the earth...

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. - genesis 1:2

covered by a canopy of prayers, God's Spirit hovered over us. it's as though we could reach out and touch His face. He was there in the stillness of the night, the beauty of uninhibited worship, the heartwrenching sobs and shouts of perfect joy - He was everywhere... and He was magnificent.

come away

i had chosen not to write this post, but it has stayed on my heart and comes repeatedly to mind, so i figure i need to see it in writing, or i'm meant to share it with you. you should know by now that i do not fear transparency, but i think i hesitated to write this one because i know how much i am loved by my community - if i had written this when it happened, you guys would have been beating down my door to stage an intervention.

got your attention yet? good. the claim i make on my blogger profile - you know, the one that says i'm too serious most of the time? true enough, but this is more serious than most. ready?

i've been going through a hard time this year. it's been a struggle. but it had not really descended into depression until the summer. i was in pretty bad shape - not able to get out of bed, not caring if i got out of bed, for that matter. headaches all the time, crying every day, blanketed by a hopelessness totally uncharacteristic for me - all this to the point where even my mom and my sister had never seen me that way, and didn't quite know what to do with me.

i was thoroughly sick of myself, my situation, my life, my struggles - all of it. i found myself in the Word one night, trying to backtrack to the point in my life where things had really gone wrong. i was thinking back to early march when i was looking for a house to buy for me and mom. had i gone wrong there? should i not have called off the house hunt when i found out i was losing my job? should i have trusted the Lord to provide and just stayed on the path i believe He had sent me down? confused, i was praying specifically about the house and told the Lord the i really needed to hear from Him. i flipped open my Bible and landed in 2 kings 20:1 -

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

my reaction? i laughed. hard. i thought to myself, well that's fine. going home to Jesus sounds a whole lot better than staying here... then it struck me - i was actually ok with dying, rather than living one more second inside this body and this life. not suicidal, just ok with the thought of dying. you can say that got my attention...

wondering why He would send me to that passage - i mean, really, how often does the word in your mind actually end up in the passage you turn to? - i read the whole thing to get the context:

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, "Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life." 1:1-6

my reaction? i didn't want those 15 years - not one second of them. here is a perfect example of intercession - dude prayed for himself and was allowed to intercede for himself - and i wanted nothing to do with it. let me just say that, as the reality of my state of mind sank in, it scared the crap out of me.

it scared me enough to send me all the way to florida in a very short period of time. the few people i did tell about it, i downplayed it big-time. but the ugly, scary truth was that i had to seek out the Lord, and i had to do it right away. as John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, He leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore our soul. (psalm 23) this was not a 'hit your face in the bedroom or prayer closet' crisis - i had to be willing to do anything He asked of me to go to Him. i had to suck up the cost of a plane ticket and put aside all reservations i had about going (hello? unemployed here!). i had to go away, to come aside, to get away from everyone and everything, and go to the Lord. i also had to be willing to listen, and to allow Him to do whatever it was He wanted to accomplish in me. the other posts about the trip go into more detail about the work He did in my life, but that's not what He wants from this post.

i think the point is this - we need... no. we must - stop. we must stop believing that we can do this on our own. we must stop believing the lie that we can't afford the time or the money to go away. it is critical, to our lives and to our relationship with the Lord. we must stop believing the lie that things will fall apart if we go away. i really hate to break it to you, but if the Lord calls you away, the world here is not going to stop functioning in your absence. in fact, we will be better off once you return, restored and renewed in your faith and love for Him, and in the work He has called you to. we need all of you, not a burnt-out shell of you.

He has called me away, one more time. i have learned to listen to Him, to realize that He wants something from me - that He desires time with me. will the bank still want to interview me when i get back? maybe. if it's of Him, then yes. my obedience is not going to screw up my chances for employment here - it will bring me the clarity and healing that i so desperately desire. after all, we are talking about the God of the Universe here. God Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth. The Creator. The Sovereign Lord. The Lord of Hosts (angel armies). Yeah, He's got me covered.

I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous...
-God (Joshua 1:5-6 - NASB)

allies

going back to the past weekend in ft morgan...

friday was spent visiting katie's parents in foley and snorkeling off the beach at the condo. i haven't snorkeled since my dad was lost... i found it's kinda like riding a bike - once you know, you know. in fact, i think i'm more comfortable in the water than on land - but that's another post for a different day.

everyone else arrived friday night. not everyone knew each other, but they all knew me and katie, and they all go to the ring... plenty of common ground. my heart continued to burst at the level of intricacy that He went to for us. i know for me, every room, every balcony, every hallway - everywhere i went - was filled with people i love. my heart could hardly stand it.

it gets even better. the strain that i've seen so clearly on so many dear faces began to ease. there was laughter, joy, eagerness to experience all the weekend had to offer - freedom to just live in a community of people you love, and who love you in return. some people were sad, some reprieved, some relaxed, some struggling, some hurting - but we all went away together, and the Lord bound us to one another in a way that could not have happened otherwise.

we had at least 4 community groups represented there. so many friendships were strengthened and solidified... and then we came home to a message about going to battle for each other, in individual lives and as a church. it could not have been more appropriate. the more we get into each other's lives, the more we know each other - our strengths AND our weaknesses - the more effectively we can battle on behalf of one another. that can only happen by choice. we have to choose to become vulnerable, in order to become strong.

josh made the point that there's no use in trying to pretend that we don't struggle with sin issues. i could not agree more. in fact, i would add that we contribute to the overall struggle of the Church to be real and authentic in a world that is desperate for authenticity when we try.

who wants to go someplace where everyone has it together? i've said it before, and i'll say it again - i'd be the first one out the door if i thought for one second that i was the only one in the place struggling with something - and defeated on a pretty regular basis. this blog is the perfect example of my point. i don't have all the answers. i have lots and lots of questions. i get angry, sad, hurt, exuberant, confident, cocky, humble - all the while living and learning about Jesus in a community of people who are "guilty" of the same things... and that's the point. He is the point. life is messy. so? do any of us think for one second that Jesus is surprised by our antics? according to His Word, we are the image-bearers of God. we are made new. we were given new hearts, and that heart is good - it has to be - it's from Him.

so here's the question - what are we afraid of? each other? Him? the world? our sin?

and here's the good news - get over it. you are going to make mistakes. people are going to not like you. you are going to struggle with some sin issue all your life - even if you are sinless, the pride of sinlessness will get you. so give it over, already. and while i'm at it - false humility and brokenness aren't going to cut it.

i can hear the "yes, but" already. i am not saying staying in sin is ok. i'm basically expounding on the themes paul explores so thoroughly in the letter to the romans. i am saying that we will remain in defeat as long as we try to hide from each other.

so how did i get from ft morgan to sin? simply this - we are in the midst of a battle. we are at war. how can we fight effectively for one another if we don't stop, admit our faults, ask for help, let people into our lives and become allies of the heart? what a beautiful picture of the Bride if we do... and what a stupid battle to lose if we do not. He gives us untold opportunities to come together as a community. He lavishes His love and grace on us. i don't believe that He does these things by happenstance. we would be wise to take advantage of His wisdom... after all, He is the Man with the plan.

think about it - how honoring would it be to the Lord if we just accepted Him at His Word? we are blessed. we are chosen. we are loved. we are forgiven. we are redeemed. we are accepted. we are adopted. it is enough... He is enough.

after all, it's not about us anyway, now is it? it's about coming fully alive for the Kingdom. it's about letting our hearts beat strongly in Him, and for Him, and yes, from Him. it's about letting go of our fear and letting Him in - letting each other in - becoming allies of the heart, battling side by side for as long as He allows us. this point in the life of our church will never be here again. we get to experience this - no one else. why do you think that is? the Kingdom needs us. He is equipping us to do His work here and now, in this Body, in this time. by all means, let's obey the call to arms. let's obey the call to fellowship. let's obey the call to HIM.

seriously, part 2

so this "next step" journey is playing out as expected.

i spent the morning looking at Christian grad schools, delving more deeply into my desire to serve the Lord and His kids through Christian counseling. i even found a school and contacted them for more information... which is confusing, because my heart beats so strongly for the ring, it's hard to understand why He would call me away. i'm not saying He is, i just have to be open to all possibilities right now. He didn't bring me through the past 8 months of hell just for kicks - He was preparing me for the next season.

i kid you not - 5 minutes after sending that request - guess who called to set up an interview? thankfully, i was on the phone with my sister and they left a voicemail. honestly, i don't want to interview this week - if at all - i have serious doubts as to whether this is a path i want to choose at all... i left that side of banking 10 years ago for a reason. i don't want to find a job so that i can earn a paycheck. i want to serve my Lord. i also want to help my family. Lord, please help me trust in Your provision, so that i can choose wisely.

i feel like i'm playing a divine game of chess. it's my move, and i really want to put the match on hold long enough to go to colorado. there is more heart work to be done in me, and i'm committed to allowing the Lord full access to me - all of me. i want to be able to focus on Him, rather than worry about finding a job... i'm much more concerned with finding my calling.

Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

yes indeed

i've been writing this post in my head for days, and i still don't know how to articulate what i want to say.

we got to the condo late thursday night. after getting everything out of the car, i settled in by turning off all the lights and letting the light of the full moon illuminate the rooms. i wandered around the condo, struck by it's beauty - the physical beauty of the condo, the natural beauty of the beach and the waves, but so much more than that - i was positively overwhelmed by His presence.

my heart was overflowing, bursting with joy at His nearness. if Jesus had walked in and sat down on the bed, i would not have blinked an eye, He was so real. we sing songs about His extravagance, the Word talks about how He loves to lavish us with grace and all good things... but i didn't have a clue until that night what we were singing about. not really.

i flipped my bible open, and landed in isaiah 52. 3 words jumped off the page at me:

it is I.

seriously

sometimes i know more than the average bear.

sometimes that knowlegde is freakishly dead-on. as an example, i knew that on the way to mexico, we would have transportation problems - nothing serious, just that it would be a long, arduous journey. an 18-hour drive turned into a 24-hour drive with numerous flat tires and pit stops. i also knew that my mom would hurt her ankle while walking my dog while i was in mexico - and she did. she broke it the day we were driving home. lastly, i knew that i would not have a job when i got back, and i didn't. weird, huh?

well, i've had another round of weirdness. i knew that He would require me to make a hard decision regarding school, and that He would equip me to make that decision. i also knew that i would get a call the day after i resigned from school regarding the application i put in at regions. that opportunity fell in my lap a few weeks ago, and i knew at that time that i would be contacted by them. i'm not clear on how far this is going to go, although my gut feeling is that i'm going to be offered the job. i'm really just praying for open and shut doors that guide me to Him.

what i don't know is what to do with this. i don't ever claim to be completely right in my understanding of what the Lord wants from me. i get as close as i can, and then trust Him to keep me straight.

this seems, at this moment, to be a test. He has restarted my heartbeat for my girls - for being available and desirous of becoming deeply involved in their lives again. that has played out yesterday and all morning long, with emails and im popping everywhere. at the same time, i have a desire to go to a Christian grad school (maybe seminary?) to pursue an education in Christian counseling.

before you laugh your head off, i admit i am not the girl to go to when someone wants sympathy or when someone just needs to mourn. i'm more of the girl you would go to when you are ready to go to battle to let the Lord heal you. i'm told i have an eerie ability to cut straight through to the heart of the matter. please do not read here that i think any of this is me - i readily acknowledge that the Lord has allowed craziness in my life - throughout my life - and has provided a way for healing as well, so that i may be used by Him for His kids.

so how does managing a bank near the lsu campus and Christian counseling come together? maybe they don't. maybe that's the test. maybe it's His provision while i'm in school next semester. maybe He wants me to choose. or maybe He just wants to bless me. who knows?

the only thing that i'm sure of is that He has told me plainly that He wants me praying incessantly... come to think of it, He's been telling me that since january. hmmm... and, He's making sure that things keep coming up that require me to stay at His feet, and that requires me to purposefully bring myself and my life under His full authority and lordship EVERYDAY.

it might just be me, but i'm getting the impression that He is serious...

freedom

the Lord is so amazing, i hardly know where to begin.

tuesday was such an awesome day, from the very moment of wakening to sitting here tonight, tired and thrilled, all at the same time.

i woke up this morning, very early, enveloped in anxiety. i recognized the spirit of fear/anxiety, rebuked it, and it left me - immediately. it was SO awesome. i went back to sleep, only for the scenario to play out again later. what a cool way to start the day!

i made coffee and walked the dog, praying all the while for the decision that needed to be made today. the only one that brought me any peace was the one that made no logical sense at all. i sat down at my computer, only to have 5 emails from you guys regarding the previous post. thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement - and i cannot praise the Lord enough for surrounding me with a community that loves and encourages me so steadfastly. and what an example to my mom of a godly community in action - wow - you guys have no idea how much the Lord used you this day. thank you deeply for praying for us.

the rest of the story goes like this - i made an incredibly illogical, yet obedient and peaceful decision today - i resigned from school and from my job in the lab. how crazy is that??? and even better - as i had to explain this incredibly illogical decision to decidedly logical people, i got to keep pointing to Jesus as my Lord, my reason, my strength, my faith, and my hope. glory to His name!

the next few weeks are chock full of fellowship, healing, restoration and HIM. i cannot wait to see what He's up to. He told me to take a time out, to focus on Him, on His continued healing of my heart, on loving my community, and not focusing on my circumstances - that He is in total control over every aspect of my life - He wants my attention on Him. He has freed me from the worries of circumstance - He's freed me to love Him and to obey Him, and has given me the strength and the courage to do so.

joshua 1:5-6 - I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage. (kjv)

how great is our God???

crossroads

i have a difficult decision to make - a conundrum, if you will. part of the complexity of this problem involves my finances (i accidentally typed mt finances - yeah...).

i try very hard not to make decisions - especially life decisions - based on finances. if i am choosing the course of my life based on money, then it stands to reason that i am pursuing money more than i am pursuing the Lord.

trust me on this one - i am not trying to be super holy, or live on a measure of faith that i do not really have. i am simply trying to make some good decisions about my life, for a change. i want to trust my Lord, i want to follow Him, and i want to glorify Him by finding His perfect will for my life, and pursuing that purpose passionately.

i don't believe that i can accomplish that goal by letting money be the deciding factor. yes, i have bills to pay. yes, i live in this world, too. yes, i know we have to work for the things we have in this life - but the longer i go without, the less value i see in material things. conversely, the longer i go without, the more unattainable even the basic things in life seem to be. i'm not even talking about wealth - i'm talking about basic things that most people have - you know, a home, a spouse, 2.5 kids and a couple of dogs. i don't think that's a lot to ask - that's pretty much the norm in our society. but who wants normal, right? right?

i find myself at 33 years of age living at home with my mom. as grateful as i am for her - and i am tremendously grateful - this is not where i expected to be at this point in my life. i expected by now to have a purpose, a calling - a clue as to what my life is supposed to be about.

most of you know that i was laid off in april. most of you know how much i've struggled mentally and spiritually since then. it's been pretty messy... most of you know that i started back to lsu as a grad student over the summer. most of you know that i have been desperately seeking funding for the fall.

well, i've found it. before you start jumping up and down, praising the Lord, let me just say that this is where the conundrum comes into play. grad school, i've discovered, is basically a bunch of hoops to jump through - there seems to be more focus on following the rules than actually gaining an education. nothing comes without a price, as the saying goes. by accepting the funding, i basically put my life in someone else's hands for the next 2 years or so. let me just say that idea does not sit well with me...

so, choice number one is to accept the assistantship. this comes with a couple of costs. yes, it pays my tuition. it also pays about a third of my former salary. yes, i know - college is a struggle and there are millions of other students struggling right along with me. i'm not saying i'm special, or that i deserve anything better than anyone else. i am saying that there are other considerations - like the fact that my family is in debt up to our eyeballs, and me stepping out of the financial picture for 2 years affects my family, not just me. then there is the whole becoming beholden to someone else for any length of time. that does not sit well with me, on any level. again, i realize that there are thousands of grad students that have to suck it up and give a committee of people a major say in their lives for a few years - i just don't like it - at all. i don't like being forced to work on something that i have no interest in. i don't like being bound to someone else's bidding and agenda - for any amount of time. another aspect, and the most troublesome to me, is the fact that the school has really jumped through hoops for me. they are granting me provisional acceptance into a department, without requiring me to meet the admission requirements for that department. they have offered me provisional assistance, again without having jumped through all the normal entrance hoops - gre scores, letters of recommendation, etc. but here's the thing - i've been running all over campus, meeting with all sorts of people, and the end result feels very much like manipulation, not blessing. it feels like i've manipulated the situation, and will be manipulated in return. from the outside looking in, it seems like a wide-open door, but from my perspective, i don't see the Lord in this scenario - i see me.

then there is choice number two - allowing my mom to take some of our last-ditch-effort-to-save-our-finances money, otherwise known as a second mortgage, and pay my tuition with that. that alleviates the assistantship problems, but contributes to my mom's debt. not an easy choice for me to make. she's not paid one red cent for my education up to this point, and she is in less of a position to pay for it now than she was when i began my college career.

choice number three is a non-choice, but one you have probably asked yourself why i haven't brought up by now. i have a substantial student loan debt amassed from my undergrad work. i am reluctant to double my debt in 2 years to an even more ridiculous sum. most graduate work is funded, either by the school, or by an employer. everytime i've tried to suck it up and go the loan route, i get a resounding NO from the Lord. hence the non-choice.

choice number four is to work during the day and take classes at night. this seems the ideal option, but no doors have opened up in the world of employment for me, except for the student worker position at the lab that only allows me to work 20 hours a week - which does not come close to paying the bills. the other problem with that is the fact that they want me to take over a project that requires me to be there at 7 in the morning, every day... when you stop laughing at the idea of me actually being up and somewhere at that time in the morning... the biggest problem with this is that my classes are at night, and i can't afford the gas to leave campus between work and school, so i would be on campus 13 hours a day. that's a lot - for anybody.

choice number five is to drop school altogether and wait. this may be the hardest of all, because it effectively makes me a bum in the eyes of the world. as hard as this one is, it's also the one that gives me the greatest peace, which makes no sense at all. is it fear of the unknown and a reluctance to step out of my comfort zone, or it is His peace? why is it that we always feel as though we have to be doing something? a friend of mine told me last night that sometimes, the Lord just wants us to wait on Him... not to do anything - just trust Him, and wait for the next marching order.

so there are my options, as i see them. none of them are very appealing, and truth be told, it's very difficult to make such a decision when my heart and mind are not aligned and engaged.

if you've made it this far into this post, thanks for sticking with me, although i didn't expect you to. this is really a way for me to think through my options, to really take a long hard look at them, and try to see them clearly. the Lord has been very faithful to teach me not to look at my circumstances right now, especially right now. He wants me looking at Him. He wants me involved in the lives of those i love so much, who are struggling and hurting so much. He wants to continue to heal my heart. in other words, He wants me to look at my situation through His eyes. He wants me to believe Him, not my circumstances.

Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and open my heart, that i may turn, and follow You.

soapbox - 1

i hate labels.

you know - alcoholic, addict, single, racial identifiers, denominational identifiers, sinner, lost - that kind of thing.

i finally found Scriptural references to back me up on this. the gist is this - you've sinned, but you are not that sin - you don't become that sin (i'm quoting beth moore again). whether it's transgression (deliberate sin) or sin (in the general sense), we do not become the sin we've committed, nor do we have to remain enslaved to it... it is for freedom that Christ set us free (galatians 5:1)... psalm 19:13 and 32:1-6 are the OT reference points. in the NT, as Christians, we are REDEEMED. we are NOT defined by that sin - that totally takes away from the sufficiency of the work of the cross. according to ephesians 1:3-8 (kjv) we are loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. this is further backed up by philippians 2:15 and romans 4:1-17.

that's who the Word of God says i am. if you want to label me, go ahead, but please do your best to stay within the confines of who God says i am. i am a Christian - i will not accept any other label.

disclaimer - i wrote this sunday afternoon - before kayla spoke and before josh's sermon - how cool is that? it was saved as a draft... although i have to give josh props for the idea that the church needs a whole lot of cool tatoos to remind us of who we are in Christ...

saved, v2

i watched saved tonight - the movie, not the tv show. josh mentioned it a few weeks ago, and it's stuck in my mind, so i decided to see what my reaction to it would be. i should clarify that josh mentioned it in relation to how loving God and loving the Body should look like contrasted against what it so often ends up looking like without our even realizing it.

honestly, parts of it were funny, parts of it turned my stomach, and parts of it were too irreverent for my taste. regardless of my opinion, the thought that has me up at 4 in the morning is not necessarily the whole bashing Christ's reputation, or even the blatant exposure of the hypocrisy that our lives can look like. what worries me is the cynicism that can be brought about by the shame of having been "that girl"... and i'm not talking about the pregnant one, or even the one who totally renounces God. i'm talking about the pharisee... i'm also concerned with the cynicism that can be brought about in our lives by the ones who were authentic - whose hearts and motives were pure in loving, worshiping and living for Jesus - and were still seen as fake and brainwashed.

i realize that to the world, hands up praising God worship can be an odd thing. believing prayer can seem like insanity to those with no faith. but here's the thing - we aren't supposed to look like the world, nor are we necessarily supposed to go out of our way to make someone comfortable when we are in the presence of God. i don't know about you, but there's not a whole lot of comfort being fully in His presence. peace, joy, conviction, love, confusion, fear... there's lots of things i feel in the presence of God, but comfort is rarely one of them. i daresay that if i am ever comfortable in His presence, then that's a pretty good indicator that i need to do a heart check, and quickly.

the Word says that we are to guard our hearts, our minds - even our eyes and ears - to be careful about what we allow in. i'm not saying that we should live in a bubble - what good does that do? - but we are not supposed to live in and of the world, either. we are set apart by God, a holy nation, co-heirs to the throne of Christ. when are we going to live like we truly believe that? is there ever going to be a point when there is not something inside of us that struggles to deny Christ at times?

i think the most disturbing thing about the movie, and the thing i am most grateful for in the Body of Christ that makes up the ring, is that through Christ, grace is the over-riding theme of our lives. there was a decided lack of grace displayed by most of the characters in the movie, and there is a decided abundance of grace at the ring. i've learned more about grace in action through the Body at work - in shelters after katrina, in community groups when tensions run high, in lack of communication and consistent forgiveness and understanding. there is no expectation of perfection, from the leadership down. yes, the bar is set high, but Christ sets that bar, not us. and it's Christ that enables and empowers us to display grace - to give it and receive it - when there is no logical explanation for it. isn't that what grace is all about? it's all about undeserved mercy, and makes no logical sense at all... and that's our clue that we may actually have it right...

Lord, please protect us from the cynicism that can sneak in and harden our hearts. continue to pour Your love and grace in and through our lives. continue to run rampant in our hearts, convince us to surrender to You once and for all. Jesus, we have so much to learn, so much to rectify with the world, so much of You that we want to accurately show the world around us. Father, help us to do that. help us to love, to be humble and patient, to overflow with love and honor and power and grace - all for You, to bring glory to Your name. help us, Lord, to do that consistently. in Jesus' name, AMEN.

offended

August 16 – 1:52 pm

Off topic from the previous post, but still relevant to my life right now, is that the Lord is beginning to show me – very gently – that HE is supreme, HE is sovereign, HE is holy and righteous. He showed me through a Bible study that I’m doing while I’m here that I’ve been offended by Him. How audacious am I?

The Scripture reference is Matthew 11:6 – Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me. (NIV) The KJV says it this way – Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me. The original Greek word here for ‘offended’ is ‘skandalizo’ and Strong’s defines it this way – 1) to put a stumbling block or impediment in the way, upon which another may trip and fall, metaph. To offend 1a) to entice to sin 1b) to cause a person to begin to distrust and desert one whom he ought to trust and obey 1b1) to cause to fall away 1b2) to be offended in one, i.e. to see in another what I disapprove of and what hinders me from acknowledging his authority 1b3) to cause one to judge unfavourably or unjustly of another 1c) since one who stumbles or whose foot gets entangled feels annoyed 1c1) to cause one displeasure at a thing 1c2) to make indignant 1c3) to be displeased, indignant. (emphasis mine)

To see this in context, the story is Matthew 11:1-19, when Jesus is responding to John the Baptist’s disciples question as to whether or not He is the Christ. John is sitting in jail and needs to know if He is Who John believes Him to be. Admittedly, I am not a scholar, so I would encourage you to read it yourself, but this is what I believe is going on here: John was about to die. His life had been spent entirely submitted to God – preparing the way for the One. John knew that He could save him. I believe that he knew that his role in the story was complete. Jesus was telling him – reassuring him – that He was the One, and that his life had not been spent in vain. He was also telling him that his place in the story was fulfilled, and that John’s continued faith and trust was pleasing in God’s sight. In telling John not to be offended, He is telling him to accept His divine supremacy and plan. Wow.

I am pretty blatantly ripping this straight from Believing God: experiencing a fresh EXPLOSION of faith by Beth Moore. Some of the conclusions are my own, but the idea and the Scripture references come from pages 68-72 of the study. Beth points to Daniel 3:16-18 and Colossians 1:15-17 to further reinforce His supremacy and our call to accept, nay, embrace, our role in the larger story that God is telling.

I think that in our quest for intimacy with Christ, we can easily get away from His total “otherness”, His sovereignty and His authority over our lives – that our lives are not our own. That my life is not about me… We want Him to be our friend, but that takes away from Who He really is. Yes, we are called to walk closely beside Him, we are to trust Him, we are to obey Him and to submit to His calling on our lives. Yes, He wants to restore our hearts so that we may live fully in Him, through Him and for Him. The big ‘but’ here is that in reducing Him to ‘friend’ we lose sight of Who He really is and what He’s up to. We get caught up in our stories instead of His story.

Lord, give us eyes to see and ears to hear, so that we may take our rightful place in Your story, acknowledging fully and joyfully that You are the Author, and that participating in Your story is an invitation, a privilege and the goal of our lives. Praise You, Jesus.

battle

August 16 – 12:36 am

I know that everything we go through is not a fight – not spiritual warfare, but sometimes it is, and there is no denying it. Continuing from the previous post - recognizing that I am in the midst of a battle is not the same thing as winning that battle or defeating the enemy. In fact, I believe that recognition brings on more opposition. At least, it seems to be the case more often than not.

I recognized that my friend was under opposition. I prayed through it. I prepared for it as well as I could. I braced for the battle and was soundly defeated. Why is that?

Frankly, I am not in the mood for philosophical bullshit. I’ve just been through a battle and I’m still seething. Being angry – this angry – is bad enough… but the real fear here – the relevant emotion, if you will, is non-emotion. Disengagement - as in, my heart is totally removed from what is happening around me. For someone who is trying to live from her deep heart, disengagement is a BAD thing.

I am self-righteous angry, not heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping, can’t-talk-straight angry. The fact that my heart is so not involved is indicative of defeat. OK, so maybe it’s because I’ve not allowed it to reach my heart. I think if it did, I’d break. Does that mean I’ve defeated myself?

August 16 – 5:36 am

I woke up with a demon on my head. OK, so I didn’t see it, but I was definitely pinned to the bed and could not move – at all. All I could do was cry out to Jesus. I couldn’t even rebuke it myself. As if that isn’t bad enough, here’s a strange twist – I was not afraid. No fear at all… I just recognized what was happening, realized that I couldn’t do anything about it, and cried out to the One who could.

The stupid part about all this is that I knew going into last night that there is more going on here than just talking through some things with my friend. I know – head knowledge – that I needed to approach the conversation wary and alert, and armed to the teeth. How many times am I going to screw this up? How many times am I going to go into a situation without Jesus? Even if I go into the situation prayed up as I did last night, as soon as I get in the drivers seat, the battle is lost.

oppression

August 15 – 3:19 pm

I feel like I’ve been fighting for my life - fighting on behalf of another, so that I may receive the healing and restoration that I came here so desperate for. It seems that once again, I have been so inward-focused that I have allowed the suffering around me to go unattended. Yes, I realize that those 2 statements contradict themselves. Let me explain.

I have been fighting several oppressive spirits here. Not all out and out war, but more of a recognition that they are here and a pleading with the Lord to rebuke them from my friend so that he will be set free, but also that I may be healed, as well. His oppression is hindering me.

Before you condemn me as arrogant and self-serving, let me say that most of this is going on the in the spiritual realm. I recognize in my spirit that there is oppression here. I recognize that it is hindering me by putting a strain on the relationship with my friend, thus taking my attention and focus off of the work I believe the Lord wants to accomplish in my heart and mind while I am here. I also recognize that my friend needs to be set free and delivered from this un-opposed oppression – there is no one here to recognize it or fight it off.

It seems that once again, the word He revealed to me at my baptism is unrelenting and true – my life is not about me. I came here seeking healing and restoration, clarity and direction, peace and renewal. What I found was that and more. I found one of God’s children in desperate need – more desperate than mine. I say that because I have a community, a church – I can choose to be surrounded by godly people at any given time – he does not. He is lost and wandering, and living under such oppression that I can hardly fathom, and he doesn’t even begin to recognize. As the battle rages in the spiritual realm, the tension between us is growing.

So typical of the Lord to send me here and to get as much mileage out of the time here as possible… one of the most difficult things that I’ve encountered lately is that I feel like I’ve been taken out – that my inability to deal with all that has happened to me this year has rendered me incapable of being used for the Kingdom in any real way. Maybe He’s trying to show me differently…

That’s a new thought. It seems to me that He is showing Himself capable – that He is the One working in and through me – that I have very little to do with what’s going on in my life. Yes, I have to choose to participate. I had to choose to come here. I had to choose to seek Him. I had to choose to seek restoration and healing. I have to choose to let Him continue His work in me. I have to choose to stay engaged and involved in what He wants to accomplish in my life. But there is recognition that He is the One doing all these things… and that recognition exposes unintentional arrogance, pride and self-sufficiency – independence. Hmmm…

Yes, I know (head knowledge) that He is sovereign and capable. What is so very awesome is that Paula and I have been praying that our head knowledge will become heart knowledge. We’ve been praying this so that we can live from our deep hearts, firmly rooted in faith, as opposed to trying to live on head knowledge, because what we know intellectually is not cutting it for the crisis’ of faith that our lives have become.

Honestly, I came here fully expectant of a God-show, fireworks and all. What I’ve found instead is a gentleness that soothes my soul. Yes, I still face doubts and uncertainty about my immediate future – finances, job, school, home, church, community, etc. However, the fear is being overridden by a gentleness that’s different than peace. It’s as though He has picked me up and is holding me gently in His hands, assuring me of His love, His (dang it) sovereignty, His absolute control and purpose for everything that’s been allowed to happen to me. Oh, did I mention His mercy? He’s assured me of that, as well. Isn’t He amazing?

Going back to the original thought for this post, this new revelation begs the question as to what to do about the oppression and tension here. What part does He want me to play? It’s up to Him to heal and restore my friend, so where does that leave me? The word that’s circling in my mind is ‘love’. I’m to love him and let Jesus do the rest. What does love look like in this situation? Certainly, I can pray. I can ask to be allowed to intercede. I can bind away the unclean spirits that are oppressing him. I can believe God that He will give me words and present an opportunity to talk if that’s what He wants to happen. At the very least, I can listen. I can turn my focus off of myself and tune into what’s going on with him. Of this I am confident – I was sent here. As stated above, I came here seeking many things. I think this may be the classic example of being poured into, so that in turn, His love can overflow into the lives around me. I love the way that Scripture always points us in the right Direction:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:4-7

LIFE

August 14, 2006 4:04 am

There are so many things that have gone awry in my life… I need the Lord to show up in so many ways. Apparently, He wants to deal with one thing at a time. Of the many things that He wants full access to – and the thing I most want to give Him – is my heart. There is so much hidden there, hurting and desperate for Him.

I came to this place with a lot of expectation. He is excruciatingly slow in working things out in my heart and mind. The most focus and emotion has centered on my dad, so that is where we have to begin.

I want to tell you a story. It’s not a woe-is-me tale, and it’s not fiction. This is part of the story of my life, up to this point, although I believe there is more to this particular chapter – much more. I’ll tell you what I know as of tonight, but to do that, I have to bring you back to my childhood.

Author’s note – I am telling you facts – if they seem cold, it’s because dealing with facts has become one of my coping mechanisms – that and sarcasm... The Lord is dealing with that.

Ready? I’m not sure if I am either, but here goes… this has been a long time coming. 16 years, almost, but I’m getting ahead of the story…

I grew up spending my summers in south Florida. Every summer, my mom and dad and us 2 girls would load up entirely too much stuff into our station wagon, hitch up the boat, and off we’d go on a 3 week vacation. We’d wind our way south through Florida, stopping at out-of-the-way places like Wickeewatchee to watch live mermaids and Wakulla Springs to hold hands with some brave boy to jump off a diving platform into the crystal clear and icy cold water 15’ below. Of course, we’d do the Disney thing, and the Busch Garden thing – glass bottom boats are the bomb – and we’d go to really cool places like Tarpon Springs and the Everglades and – how cool is this – to Venice Beach to search for shark’s teeth. Of course, the ultimate destination was always the Keys – Marathon, to be exact. As much as we loved the cool stops along the way, we could not wait to get to the Blue Waters Motel on Marathon Key. We’d unhook the boat (I was always daddy’s little girl and could pretty much handle a 21’ boat by age 9 or so) as soon as we got there. Then came the traditional first night’s swim in the pool with Dad, and then we’d be on the water at first light.

There are so many memories, like a night-blooming cactus and flip-flops melting on the blazing hot asphalt, striped butts from tanning through swimsuits and holding my breath as long as I could underwater in the pool, but most of them center around the ocean. My dad was an avid fisherman, and being daddy’s little girl, so was I. We were also avid divers. The coral reefs were places of high adventure and close calls – from almost drowning to near misses with sharks and barracudas, to great fishing and phosphorescent algae glowing behind the boat at night. To say that I loved it there doesn’t even come close. I was at home there. I belonged. I’d sit alone at the end of the jetties late at night, watching the stars falling, in awe of the world and all that life had to offer.

Fast-forward to the summer of 1990. I was 17 and a real pain in the ass to my parents. We deviated that year, going on a road trip to the Rockies instead of going to the Keys. Both my sister and I were typical teenagers – boy-crazy, not so parent-crazy, and independent to a fault. The trip, although strewn with beautiful memories, was, by far and large, a huge disaster. My sister and I couldn’t wait to get home to our boyfriends, and my parent’s couldn’t wait to get away from us. Oh, did I mention that my sister had a baby in April of 1989? So, in addition to me and my sister’s complete disinvolvement, we had a toddler along for a 3 week road trip. It was not much fun – for any of us.

In the midst of all this turmoil, my dad, for reasons still unclear to me, had become very unhappy with his work as a photographer for the paper. He used to cover the LSU games, squatting on the sidelines, taking incredible shots of the Tigers in all their glory. Well, he was in an accident one day; as a passenger, he saw it coming and responded instinctively by trying to hit the non-existent brake. He broke every bone in his left foot, and was unable to cover the games anymore. He did special features on local chefs, local coverage, stuff like that, but eventually became very unhappy with changes within himself and his work environment. He decided to retire that year to become a freelance photographer. His idea was to cover the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ arrival in the new world by tracing his voyage through the Bahamas and Bermuda. The idea was to publish a photographic documentary in 1992, and to begin a career as a freelance photographer.

So, in late November 1990, he left for our fishing camp in Mississippi to get all his gear and the boat ready for the trip. I was supposed to meet up with him, having gotten special permission from school to go with him. A week or so later, a friend and I went to the camp, hoping to catch up with him to finalize plans for me to meet him in Florida. We missed him. I wrote him a note, on the off-chance that he would return prior to heading on to Florida – that will become more relevant as the story unfolds. On December 7, he called home, looking for me. I was not there – I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend and was late getting home that night. That was the last time we heard from him.

On December 13, my mom’s birthday, he did not call. I began calling one Coast Guard office after another, trying to get to the “appropriate” office to report him missing. My mom and sister were either in denial or paralyzed – I’m not sure which, but I took charge and gave many an agency hell, trying to convince them of his expert boatmanship, his familial responsibility and love for his wife – all of which pointed to something having gone terribly wrong. (You think I’m passionate and bold now – you should have known me back then – it was pretty crazy.) We finally got in touch with the Coast Guard in Broward County, and were told we reported him missing too late – that the search area was too large to hold any realistic expectation of finding him. They found his truck and trailer, but no one who actually saw him leave in the boat. He never checked into customs at Bimini, the closest island in the Bahamas to the US mainland. They traced his credit card activity and his traveler’s checks – and froze my mom’s assets. (“Standard procedure during an investigation, Ma’am…” – this as she tries to continue to pay bills and feed her family while her husband is lost at sea…) I even went as far as calling Unsolved Mysteries – it was in its prime back then – to ask them how long it would take to air the story. I was told 3 weeks, minimum – I hung up, telling them that 3 weeks was too long to wait for answers – that he needed help right away. In my mind, he was somewhere, waiting desperately for us to do something, to find him. Little did I know that I would be sitting here tonight, still battling this loss, 16 years later…

Suffice it to say, it was a rough time. From the very beginning, they gave us no hope of finding him alive. The story broke in Baton Rouge, and theories ran the gamut from him being a victim of piracy (those were the Miami Vice days – cigarette boats and drug running and all that) to him fulfilling his oft-repeated quip, “One of these days, I’m going fishing and I’m not coming back.” A local political figure – one of dad’s friends – actually flew down there and searched the deserted islands for any sign of life. Nothing. We hired a private investigator for as long as we could afford him – about a year – nothing. More good news – the boat he was in was made the year before they began lining the insides with foam, so the hull would float in case the vessel capsized, which meant that there was no hope of finding the boat if he had actually gone under. And then we were hit with the series of clinchers that broke my mom and formed my resolve to find out what happened – first, the Coast Guard’s official position is that the trip between Dania (just north of Ft. Lauderdale) to Bimini in a 21’ outboard is impossible. Oh, really? I’ve personally made that trip 3 times before the age of 16. Then Dr. Huh, a family friend and a great man, did some meteorological investigation. According to his findings, on the estimated day of departure, December 9, and the estimated time of departure, along with the speed of the Gulf Stream and other climatological evidence, he concluded that my dad would have made it half-way to Bimini before encountering a frontal system. The assumption was made that he tried to turn around to avoid the storm and was swamped by a wave (which is total crap – NO experienced boatman would have turned around in a storm – you have to keep the bow to the waves or you’ll be swamped.) We eventually had to have him declared legally dead – lost at sea - in order for my mom’s assets to be unfrozen so that we could continue to eat. To add insult to injury, my mom had to sell my dad’s gun collection while all this was going on so that we could survive – being taken advantage of in a crisis of that magnitude is… nauseating. Oh, and the IRS helped tremendously – they imposed full penalty for Mom cashing in their CD’s and IRA’s to catch up on bills – capital gains, early withdrawal penalties and all that… disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

There’s more – much more – but you get the gist of the story. As time passed, I would return to the camp and add another message to the note left so long ago – stuff life, “Dad, I miss you. Please come home.” “Dad, where are you? Please don’t leave us. Please come home.” You get the idea. Eventually, you cope as best you can, and you decide in your mind what happened. As his daughters, my sister and I believe he is still alive and fishing somewhere. It is my life’s goal to find out what happened. As his wife (and having been a wife, I hold a better appreciation for what she went through), my mom believes that he is dead. Better that than believing that he abandoned her and their children. We each coped in our own way, and life moved on. Kind of.

Fast-forward again to August 2006. Here I am, in Florida, fighting a love-hate relationship with the Atlantic Ocean. The first 3 times I went to the beach, I broke. Angry and sobbing, and still trying to love the Lord and keep my heart open to Him, I confronted my grief head on. Then something crazy happened. I went to the beach yesterday, and the place was absolutely teeming with life. Beaches are usually (sorry to be brutally honest) littered with dead things – shells that were once homes to creatures, dead fish, dead jellyfish, dead seaweed, etc. Not this time.

I wandered for a couple of miles, looking for shark’s teeth, and slowly began to look around. I was astounded to see life all around me. Birds of all kinds – sanderlings, willets, sea gulls, pelicans – a starfish, thousands of mollusk-like shellfish burrowing into the sand after every wave, sand fleas, minnows swimming back to sea after being washed up by the waves, dogs, horses, children playing, people smiling and laughing – life was everywhere.

Something shifted inside my heart. A place that has represented death, bitterness and loss to me for 16 years now teemed with Life.

released

i've been begging God for months for a vacation - or, more accurately stated, to be able to go away, to a quiet place, to be alone with Him. well, He's finally released me to go, and i have an odd sense of quiet expectation.

i have not been sleeping well lately, and stayed up late again tonight. when i finally had enough of tlc's medical mysteries, i went to bed and decided to read awhile. i'm re-reading "waking the dead" by john eldredge - some books need to be read time and time again, they are just so full of Truth and Jesus. listen to the part i read tonight:

Walking with God leads to receiving his intimate counsel, and counseling leads to deep restoration. As we learn to walk with God and hear his voice, he is able to bring up issues in our hearts that need speaking to. Some of those wounds were enough to break our hearts, create a rift in the soul, and so we need his healing as well. This is something Jesus walks us into - sometimes through the help of another person who can listen and pray with us, sometimes with God alone. As David said in Psalm 23, he leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore the soul. Our first choice is to go with him there - to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. You won't find healing in the midst of the Matrix. We need time in the presence of God. This often comes on the heels of God's raising some issue in our hearts or after we've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion. - pp 140-141

as much as i know this is a much-prayed-for affirmation that it's ok, nay, it's necessary, for me to go away, i also know that someone out there needs to read these words - which is why i'm writing at 1:45 in the morning. read them again, and let His love surround you and release you.

anyway

i find myself at a point in my life where absolutely nothing makes sense, and life as i knew it no longer exists. i've yet to decide if this is a good thing or not... however, if i truly believe that God is sovereign and good, then it follows that all the things that are happening to me are ultimately for my benefit and His glory.

as hurt keeps rolling my way, i'm trying to learn to embrace it, like Jesus did at lazarus' tomb. what did He do? He wept. He accepted the pain, allowed Himself to feel every nuance of it and lived fully in that moment. but here's the thing - He didn't stay in that moment. He embraced it, experienced it, and moved on.

well. i've got the weeping part down (much to my chagrin). the only saving grace here is that i don't just weep for me - i weep for my friends who are going through so much. at a time in my life where it would be SO much easier to harden my heart and run away, i choose to keep it open to Him and to stay put. don't get me wrong - that's a daily decision - sometimes an hourly one. here's the thing - before He brought me to the ring, before learning to walk daily with the Lord, i existed for so long with walls around my heart, and that's a not-good place to be. notice i existed, i survived - i was not living. st. ireaneus said that the glory of God is man fully alive. giving in and becoming hard and unavailable again is not the answer - it is not Life.

i've experienced the hurt. i'm trying to embrace it. i'm ready to move on. i want to live and love every moment of every day. mostly, i want to know Him. i want to experience Him full throttle. i want to rest in Him. i want to laugh with Him. i want to dance before Him. i want to weep with Him. i want to serve Him. i want to love Him with everything that i am. i want to love on my friends, to minister and to fight and to weep and to laugh and to counsel... i've been taken out, and i'm sorry for that. "not that i have obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on..."

josh said sunday that he desires that anyone who walks through the doors of the ring truly know and see the love of God through His people. funny that. that's EXACTLY what drew me to the ring. i stepped into the sanctuary and saw a room full of people that openly loved Jesus and one another, and i desperately wanted to be a part of that. the sick part - the defeated part - is that i still look into that place every sunday night and desire to belong.

so where is the disconnect? what happened? why do i still feel so separate from those who love the Lord and the ring as much as i do? i really don't know. honestly. i don't know what happened along the way that caused me to remain separate and distant from those i love so much. why is it so hard to become part of the Love and the Life that i saw, and still see, in that room, in that Body? what flaw exists within me that will not allow this to happen? Lord, whatever it is, please take it away.

i've reached a point where i'm tired of being flat on my back, getting up, and getting slapped back down again. i want to fight back. i want to stand firmly in the truth of who i am in Christ. and i want the oppression to stop. i want to belong. i want to serve my Lord. only He can cause these things to come about in my life.

i realize that this post is just about as out of whack as it can get - as is my life, so there you go.

i find myself in a place where i want to be able to say, clearly, firmly and unconditionally - i love You, no matter what my life looks like, no matter what You take away, no matter what You allow to come against me, no matter what - i love You anyway.

overtaken

i experienced a moment of transcendence sunday night during worship. to say that i was not present in that gym is a completely accurate statement. my spirit was a couple of hundred miles away, on the shore of fort morgan, just before dawn - just me and the stars and the waves. overtaken by the power of His presense, i knelt on that beach and sang to Him:

open up the skies of mercy
rain down your cleansing flood
healing water, rise around us
hear our cries, Lord, let 'em rise

it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentence
Your favor, Lord, is our desire
it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
Your love, Your love, is better than life

we can feel Your mercy falling
You are turning our hearts back again
hear our praises rise to heaven
draw us near, Lord
meet us here

it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentence
Your favor, Lord, is our desire
it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
Your love, Your love, is better than life

-lyrics by chris tomlin

and in my spirit, as i'm wont to do, i combined songs into a medley to Him...

rain down Your love on us
rain down Your love
rain down Your grace
o and cover me

ebb

interesting how many ways the phone call we received in the lab continues to affect me. in addition to opening the wound of my dad, or perhaps better stated, more so than the opening of the wound of my dad, my eyes have been turned inward and outward, all at the same time...

that's possibly the least grammatically correct sentence i've written in a while, but it makes sense to me.

in experiencing my grief all over again through this woman's situation, i've actually become more sensitive and cognizant of the hurting around me, instead of just being consumed with my circumstance. i find that as i look around, i see with sharp clarity into the eyes of my friends, and what i see there astounds me.

i see hurt. i see suffering. i see fear. i see a desperateness that i've not seen before. when did all this happen?

i see God all over this. don't get me wrong - there have been some great victories lately, and He gets ALL the glory for them. there are just so many suffering - the strong ones, the dependable ones, the upbeat ones - the ones that have been holding me up are in need of being held up in return.

that's one of my favorite things about the Body of Christ. no one person bears the responsibility for praying, or fighting, or encouraging, or loving, or counseling, or whatever. we pour into each other - we hold each other up - the Body shifts in unending motion, as the ebb and flow of the tide.

a little grace...

jake has a great post today that goes a long way toward saying what i could not in "account" - with much more grace and love than i was able to muster...

ag

account

today was another wonderful day. i spent a total of 15 minutes at work before i got up and walked out... without saying a word to anyone. they're probably wondering what the hell's wrong with me.

well, i would be the first to admit that there is A LOT wrong with me, but the Lord is working on that. part of that process is allowing old wounds to be ripped open. yesterday, it was my dad. today, it was my embryo.

i suppose that i should catch you up on both. i lost my dad at sea in 1990. that's a story for later. after my divorce, i donated my embryo to an infertile couple. it was a blind donation, and again, a story for another time.

the words that need to be written tonight are simply this: a bad day (or a bad season) with the Lord is far better than any day without Him.

so, what prompted the walk out? stupidity. insensitivity. people talking about something that they know absolutely nothing about. in other words - npr. they had a debate today about embryonic stem cell research, and were joking about "snowflake" babies - babies born from donated embryos.

i will not get on a political or moral soapbox - at least not tonight... i will say that it's scary enough when i think about standing before my Lord one day to give an account for my life, my decisions, my words, and my actions... and i don't come close to the reach and influence they have.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 37For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. - Matthew 12:34-37

9For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. 10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. 11It is written: " 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.' "[a] 12So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. - Romans 14:9-12

12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. - Hebrews 4:12-13

break

it's not in me to tell the whole story tonight, but i have to get some of the thoughts out of my head so that i can cry, so that i can pray, and so that i can sleep.

a woman called the lab today. she is from greece. her father is lost at sea in the indian ocean.

she is desperate, and cannot find anyone to help her. he's been missing for 2 1/2 months.

i know that level of desperation. i know her panic as time slips away and the chances for survival go away. i know the frustration and anger and sheer insanity that she is facing. i've been there, and my heart is breaking for her.

but this post is not about me. it's a plea. a request for prayer for a woman who's name i don't even know. a request for mercy from a God that i cease to comprehend.

Father, please, have mercy.

wrath

josh has been speaking on love for the past few weeks; initially on how we express our love to Him, even as He loves us. this past sunday, he began speaking about loving our neighbors - about how our love for Him should overflow into the lives around us - that there should not be a stopping point for those we are willing to love.

here's my question - what about the ones that don't, won't or can't receive love from us? what do we **realistically** do about loving them?

i ask this because i have become the object of my neighbor's wrath - literally. she thinks i'm the devil incarnate. she believes that i am brain-washing, poisoning and abusing my mom. psychologically, i realize that she is deeply depressed, deeply grieving and striking out at the world around her... and has made overt attempts at ugliness and pity, depending on her mood that day (or that hour...) it's created a horribly awkward living condition for my mom and me, and for her, as well, i'm sure.

i really don't feel like going into the whole story, and i'm not sure the details are the point. suffice it to say that we have had a verbal altercation that was brutally ugly and hurtful, and she continues to ambush my mom when i'm gone, telling her how much i suck. imagine the position that puts my mother in... it infuriates me. the sunday school answer is to love her anyway. ok, what does that look like? responding to ridiculous 'for sale' signs hung on her door? reacting to her continuous bombardment of my mom? no, i don't think so. as a matter of fact, i think the most loving thing we can do is NOT react to her antics.

here's the hardest part of all - she hates me because i'm a christian... and she claims the name of Christ. infighting is horrible and hurtful and damn it, damaging to Christ's reputation - the Bride should not be fighting amongst Herself. apparently her church let her down - did not perform to her expectations - when her husband died, and she has become a bitter, angry, abusive, controlling, desperately unhappy child of God. (let that be a warning, huh?)

so, what to do? once i allowed the Holy Spirit to talk me out of kicking her door in, i've been in "pray and wait" mode. this has been going on for 8 or 9 weeks now. katie says we need to show her tangible love. i disagree. knowing her mental state, (and you have to trust me here - she is too far gone for me to help her) i know that she desperately needs non-reaction (non-affirmation of her behavior) and professional counselling - and a whole lot of Jesus. but, do i bear some responsibility here? how do i show her Christ's love when all she does is sneer and spit?

i don't have any answers, but i do know that the God of the Universe is pursuing his child, and for whatever reason, He has me here... according to her, to make her life a living hell. she's done a good job of doing that to herself - i just happen to be the current object of her wrath. if it weren't me, it would be someone else. don't get me wrong - i am not afraid of confrontation - i would go talk to her IF i knew that He sent me, and had gone before me to prepare her heart to receive me.

one of the questions josh asked the other night pertained to the golden rule. how would i want someone to treat me (or love me) in this situation? i'm pretty sure that i would not want to be left here to rot in my self-pity and bitter rage...

in a MUCH scaled-down version of her situation, i have, over the past several months, been in a slow downward spiral of faith and trust, with the resulting improper expectations, tantrums, bitterness, hurt and the proverbial giving God the finger. heeding her situation as a serious warning, i'm drawn to seek Him out on this. more personal, i guess... a couple of months ago, in talking with my leadership, the common question they kept asking me was, "what do you need from us?" i could not give them an answer. a little farther along in the process, i know that i need (present tense) "praying down the Kingdom of Heaven, kicking some serious demon butt, hands-on" prayer. i know that my community has been praying for me, but i'm beginning to realize that it's the tangible, touchable acts of love that really speak to my heart.

in thinking about what my neighbor needs from me... what if she needs the same thing? oh, how my heart hesitates over that thought. trying to view her as my leadership viewed me, and trying to draw parallels, i see that they reached out to me to a certain extent, and then left it to me. who knows if that was that right or wrong approach? in His hands, all He cares about is that there was an approach at all... so, trying to apply this to my neighbor - how do i even begin to reach out? do i wait her out?

as hesitant as my heart is over the prospect of taking the initiative to love her tangibly, i have visions of her completely freed from her grief and rage, full of the joy of the Lord and radiant. only He can do that - in both of us. how He is going to cause that to come about, and what my role in her life is supposed to look like, only He knows at the moment. of this i am sure - He wants both of us completely free, so that we can love Him completely.

Lord, show us the way to You.

say what?

the thought has occured to me quite frequently over the past few months that we, as a community, have become quite lax when it comes to privacy.

gossip thinnly disquised as prayer requests, or checking up on someone is - you guessed it - still gossip.

if you want to know something about someone, ask them, not me or anyone else. it let's them know you're thinking about them, it makes you check your motives, it initiates conversation and fellowship - go on, give it a try.

and by all means, if there's something you want to know about me, ask ME. not my roommate, not my friends, not my family - ME. that rumor about me being unapproachable and edgy? totally without merit. i'd love to hear from you, and i'll either answer your question or tell you why i won't - either way, you'll have maintained your integrity and shown love, all at the same time.