weight - revisited

[the quote at the bottom, originally attributed to nelson mandela, is actually used in his inaugural speech, but was written by marianne williamson in "a return to love: reflections on the principles of a course in miracles" - thanks, taylor, for allowing me to give proper credit!]

it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...

i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.

yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.

you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.

do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.

do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.

do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.

i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.

helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Nelson Mandella

I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!

weight

one of the last words spoken over me before i left the retreat was that i would gain weight - spiritual weight - that i would gain power as an intercessor as i continue to seek to live my life with my Lord. that's a comforting thought to return to at a time when i feel invisible - a gift, as it turns out, from our very wise God that knew that this time was coming.

i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.

i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?

i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.

why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.

i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.

i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."

no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.

i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.

this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.

much

this post has been a long time coming. the Lord has just released me to write it, and quite honestly, it's difficult to make myself write this one - weird, huh? - which to me means that i am supposed to write it. i've alluded to it in yes and acquiesce, but it wasn't time to write this one yet. so, here goes. Lord, please give me the words.

the last day of the captivating retreat, i went for a walk between sessions. i had been in colorado for 4 days and had not once gone off by myself, not once gone off to be in the wilderness, not once gone off to be out in the woods, alone with the Lord. yeah, i know... the next time i will be much more deliberate about actually getting alone with Him, surrounded and enveloped by the splendor of the rockies.

as i was walking, i was stopping here and there, taking pictures - something else i had not found much time for. i was drinking in the beauty around me, relishing in His wildness and majesty... i love that He is that way. He was in quite a mood - vastly attentive, pleased that i had sought Him out, and, quite frankly, He showing off. i was on a deliberate ramble, if that makes sense. i was letting Him guide my steps, letting Him show me what He wanted me to see. as we walked, i would think something, and He would cause it to happen... let me give you a couple of examples.

the snow had lingered, and i wanted to take some close-up shots. i prefer them to landscape shots, because there is no way to really capture the vastness of the mountains on camera - at least, not with my camera. so i was just wandering, and i told Him that while everything around me was beautiful, He had not shown me anything really spectacular to take a picture of. i immediately came upon red maple leaves, partially covered in snow. then i wanted an aspen changing colors - and voilà! then i could here the sound of running water, and i wanted to see it, so He led me there, too. it was just really great fellowship with the Lord - the kind we long for and for some reason or another, rarely experience. He was all about being the Lord of Creation, my Sovereign, the Lover of my Soul - He was just eating it up. i know it sounds weird to tell you how the Lord was feeling, but i just knew He was enjoying Himself, just showing off, spending time with me. He invited me to walk with Him, and He stayed with me every step of the way, showing me things as soon as i asked for them, and telling me answers to questions that i had just barely gotten off the tip of my tongue, figuratively speaking.

it was time to head back for the closing session, and as i was walking along, i mentioned to Him that He had not shown me any wildlife... and a chipmunk immediately ran out in front of me. i laughed, and He said, "see, you are not asking Me for much. I am so much bigger, so much more capable than you are asking Me to be in your life." as i was chewing on that admonishment, i followed the chipmunk to a bush, where it sat and posed for me as i took it's picture - twice. i was no more than 2 feet from this creature, and it just sat on it's branch, looking at me, letting me get as close as i could without actually climbing into the bush with it. i knew what Jesus said was true... i had not asked Him for the deep desires of my heart - a calling, a heart fully alive, a purpose, a role, to be significant for the Kingdom, to be a powerful intercessor, to be part of an intimate alliance with a man that i can love fully, and that can fully love me...

the one problem in my life that He would not let me ask Him about before that walk was regarding work and school. that weekend was about healing, about learning how to draw close to Him, about knowing Him intimately. so He finally allowed me to ask, and He answered with a question - "do you trust Me?" my response? "yes..." "no, do you REALLY trust Me?" again, "yes, Lord, i trust You."

i was approaching the back of the conference center, and had quite a steep hill to climb. i chose to climb a natural ravine created by runoff - muddy, but it offered more solid footing. as i topped the rise, i ran into one of the on-site intercessors. the Lord placed me on his heart over the weekend, and he had been very faithful to speak words of encouragement and Life to me every time he saw me. seeing me come over the hill, he stopped to ask me if the Lord had given me any answers to my questions about work and school. i told him that He had not allowed me to ask until just then - and i told him the conversation i had just had with the Lord. his response? "good - then go dance with your Lord." meaning, of course, that i had my answer - He is in control - and that i am not to dwell and worry and fret about it. that i am to just enjoy getting to know Him better, to listen to Him, to let Him love me, and love Him well in return... wow - who speaks words of love and Life so consistently, and so genuinely? mike, that's who. what an amazing man of God...

so, for the 6 weeks or so since i've been back from the retreat, the Lord has been slowly putting pieces in place for me. up to this point, i have been just trusting Him for His provision and revelation in my life. i had not been praying specifically for either - just trusting Him. the other day, He pointed that out to me. how am i supposed to hear if i don't ask? so, He led me back to 2 kings 20, where hezekiah is told that he is about to die (i wrote about this in come away). this time, the Lord told me to pray as hezekiah had prayed... so i have been. then, last thursday, sitting in traffic during a deluge, He told me that i had not been praying "big" enough, or specific enough... so i told Him, "ok, You're a big God, i'm going to pray big. i want a job that leads me straight to seattle, one that i cannot deny is from You - one that is personally fulfilling and gratifying. and i want to be able to come back here, to minister to the Body at the ring. i want to be able to support myself financially, and be able to help my mom pay off her debt, and i want to be able to support my church. i want to be absolutely certain that You want me to go into the counseling program at mhgs. i want to be equipped to really help the Body that i love so much. i want my life to glorify You. i want You to be totally in control here - open and shut doors, according to Your will."

thursday night, i told paula about all this, and she said that she had been waiting for me to realize that there is a company here, one that has been running around my brain for about 3 weeks now - and that company has management positions that could lead me to corporate in seattle. friday, i told meg about all this, and she agreed to pray with me. saturday, i got on the company's website, and realized that there is no way that i would work for them - i have to be able to believe fully in a company that i work for - which, by the way, is why i cannot return to work for philip if he asks - i believe in the company we were, but not what they have become - the Lord would have to be very specific to send me to atlanta... this morning, i had an email from a job site in seattle that i have registered on. there is a job opening there, 5.9 miles from mhgs, that i am more than qualified for, that pays well, that is the next logical step in my career, that is hiring immediately...

yes, i applied for the job... praying the whole time, i might add. after i applied, i sat on my bathroom counter, looking at my laptop on the floor, and thought about how cool it is that He has been telling me (and a couple of other close friends) to enjoy these last days of rest, because life is about to get rockin' and rollin'... the cool thing about this situation is that this can only happen by the Lord's will. the job site that i registered on is one that touts local candidates. they may see baton rouge on my resume and delete it immediately. or, they may just be curious enough about my diverse education and professional experience to ask me to interview. now, we all know that i don't have money for a plane ticket to seattle... not to go for the "meet and greet" at mhgs coming up mid-november, nor for a job interview, nor do i have the money to move cross-country... only He can cause all this to come about. so, i prayed, i applied, i prayed some more, and now, i'm waiting to see what's next. the cool part is that it's totally up to Him, and i'm totally cool with that. i can even imagine living there now - how crazy is that? i can even picture my apartment, although in my mind, it has sunlight streaming through the windows overlooking puget sound... 6 weeks ago, i was sitting at the airport in denver, sick at the thought that He might actually be serious about sending me to seattle...

my mom said that she is rescinding the hug she gave josh if i get this job... but she was teasing. she is as excited about all this as i am. who knew? and who knows? it's His story - i'm just waiting to see what the next chapter brings.

embrace

today has been a seriously intense spiritual day, beginning from the moment i awakened a little after 8 - believe it or not, with a smile on my face, thanks to a new ringtone that makes my heart happy. one of the perks of unemployment is that my normal wake up time is somewhere between 10 and 12, depending on how late i stay up writing...

my radar was on super-sensitive mode before the caffeine even began flowing through my veins. i had a lot going on today, all in the realm of ministry and prayer. getting ready to go to a friend's apartment for a meeting, i dug around in the box that a coworker packed for me on the day i got laid off, looking for a scripture that the Lord gave to me for her over 2 years ago, that He's just released me to give to her now. what i came across instead was a calendar, with all the october birthdays on it. my ex-boss's daughter's birthday was last week, and i had a brief moment of bittersweet memory come flooding back - more sweet than bitter these days, thank the Lord.

knowing all that this day had coming, i knew i needed to be deliberate about submitting myself to Christ, so i lay down on my floor and listened to the daily prayer by john eldredge. it's amazing, so if you have not heard it, i highly encourage you to get it. you can buy it or read it on the ransomed heart website. after praying, i put in a cd entitled, "calling", also offered by ransomed heart. i am on the 2nd cd, and the speaker was just getting to a very painful part of a story where he was involved in an accident that resulted in his friend becoming a quadriplegic. my heart was hurting at his pain, at the lies of failure that he had believed for so long... and my phone rang.

with my new ringtone, irritation is really not an option, although i was interrupted - with an unlisted number, at that. still in the habit of answering all calls - a throwback to when i had a work phone - i answered with a curt but inquisitive, "this is ann." i could not believe who it was - my old boss, calling to check on me. it was so good to hear from him - so good... my heart is still hurting and joyous, all at the same time. it was so good to hear from my friend... so good to be able to release him from his guilt of laying me off... so good to hear his voice... so good to hear about his wife and kids... so good to hear how much he misses me and regrets letting me go, finally having realized that what i lacked in approachability was more than made up for in work ethic, integrity and excellence (his words, not mine). it was so good to hear his thirst for Jesus... so good to hear that he is intentionally seeking the Lord... so good to hear - it was just so good to hear his voice. tears are threatening now as i embrace the hurt and the joy. yes, i was finally validated by his recognition of what i offered, and what he now lacks. but so much more than that, i am so relieved that he is seeking the Lord - i was the only Jesus he had in his life, and i was grieving his loss just as much as i was grieving my own - both the job and the friendship.

my heart is so tender tonight. HE IS SO GOOD... so good.

the timing of this call is interesting, too... building off "acquiesce", sometimes He just wants us to say yes. He just wants our hearts to be willing to do whatever He asks. my heart is open to do as He asks, which in my mind is school in seattle. then i get a call from atlanta...

interesting as that is, the real irony here is that the Lord has softened my heart over the summer, making me less rigid and more approachable... which is exactly what my boss said i was lacking. i know the Lord's timing is deliberate. i just find it interesting that i'm now exactly what my boss wanted, and it's too late. i cannot imagine that the Lord would send me back to corporate america - in atlanta - when seattle has been made so evident. then again, my mom mentioned a school called emory, which i know nothing about, but is apparently a renowned seminary in atlanta. hmmm...

guys, He just wants us to say yes. He just wants us to know how good His heart is. i know this post doesn't wrap very well, but my heart is tender tonight. the Lord gave me such a gift in hearing from philip. any speculation aside, it was so good to hear from my friend whom i miss so much - so much more than i realized. He knew... and my heart is aching with His intimacy.

covered

i don't know how i forgot about this until tonight... His timing, i suppose.

last week at community group, i was totally checked out for most of it. my spirit started jumping almost as soon as i got there, so i spent most of the time praying - in serious intercession mode. then the lies started just slamming into me - i could positively feel condemnation and judgment flying at me. i knew it was not coming from my group - i know their hearts too well - but after battling those thoughts and feelings for several hours, i was starting to lose.

when it came time for prayer requests, i passed. you could feel the spirits come to attention in the room, and you could almost hear the thoughts - ann doesn't have anything to say? what's up with that? what's wrong with her? we got to the end, and something rose up in me - a last-ditch effort to not walk out defeated. so in pure defiance of the enemy of God, i told them about the feelings of condemnation and judgment... about my mom having to buy my first tank of gas... about the Lord not releasing me to just send out 2000 resumes... that He wants me looking at Him, trusting Him for provision and direction... that i am not to listen to the voices - even the well-meaning ones - that keep urging me to get a job - any job... i can't do that. He won't let me.

my voice broke as i was talking, and i ended up crying through most of it. in case you haven't figured this out - i hate to cry. not so much that it's a sign of weakness, as much as it just gives me a brutal headache... anyway, my community surrounded me, laid hands on me, prayed for me - but it didn't stop there.

late that night, i knew that they had kept praying. by the time that i actually laid my head on my pillow, i was positively enveloped in prayer. i had a canopy of prayer surrounding me. i was hidden in Christ, in the shadow of His wing - cloaked and protected and loved. it was so... sweet. would it sound strange if i said that i swear that i could almost smell Him?

tonight, they were prompted to pray for me again, although i did not specifically ask for them to pray about this situation. they are truly walking with me through this season... and i am so grateful because i don't know how to pray for His provision for myself. i can believe Him for it, i can trust Him to provide, but i don't know how to pray for it.

they are my community - they are my intimate allies. to be part of a church that is so deeply entrenched in the value - no, the absolute necessity - of community, is such a blessing, and one that i am often guilty of taking for granted. this being true, let me take a minute to remind us all just how truly blessed we are.

we are part of the family of God. we are the Body of Christ. we are allowed to be part of the Body of Christ known as the ring community church. our leadership team loves the Lord deeply, grasps the intimacy of walking out grace daily, and desires all those who walk through our doors to know that they are welcome, to know that they are surrounded by people who truly love the Lord. our pastor is a truly anointed teacher, a man seeking after the things of God, who is always pointing us to deeper intimacy with the Lord. no pedestals here - just deep gratitude to the Lord for the privilege of being allowed to be a part of this Body we call the ring.

oh, how we praise YOU!

acquiesce

i've made up my mind about something just now.

sitting here at the computer at 2 am has a way of making me introspective... i was thinking about all the posts i've written over the past year where i say that i only want His best for my life.

that is the truest statement i can make about myself.

i've decided that i'm not going to fight Him sending me to seattle. if things keep going the way that they are, i'm headed there next fall. if He is calling me there, it's for a reason - more than likely, He's calling me there for many, many reasons.

i've spent too much of my life not trusting Him. i'm not about to go back to that. no way.

pedestal

this topic came up in conversation with a friend earlier this week, and has been brewing in my mind for days. i'm still not sure where this is going, but that's part of the fun of writing - i usually don't have much of an idea of what's going to come out of these fingertips until i see the words on the screen - it's amazing to me that any of my posts are anywhere near coherent thoughts.

so i'm stuck on this idea of pedestals - putting people on them, to be more precise. actually, now that i think about it, this idea has come up in conversation several times over the past week... i had a great chance to catch up with my niece last saturday, which involved a conversation that lasted several hours. in case you don't know, she is 17, and the only way to keep a 17-year-old actively engaged in conversation for any length of time is to revolve said conversation around them - their lives, their hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, plans, pouts, etc... during the course of that conversation, she told me that for most of her life, she had kept me on a pedestal - that in her eyes, not only could i do no wrong (rriiiigghhtt) but that everything i did, i did perfectly... my reaction? now that i'm off the pedestal, maybe we can actually have a real relationship, because now i'm a real person in her eyes.

a few days later, a friend and i were discussing the lack of development in a friendship that i felt had enough depth and intimacy to have trust and breadth, as well. my fear was that this "friend" was put off by my directness and transparency, and i was unsure how to overcome that. as it turns out, this was not the case at all. instead of being turned away by my directness and transparency, this person had me on a bit of a pedestal, which i promptly fell off of over the past summer when life got hard for me. you see, she admired my strength and passion for the Lord, and as i faltered, she became disillusioned, not only with my faith, but her own, as well... that might be one of the scariest thoughts i've had in awhile.

please don't read condemnation here. i'm guilty of this, as well. it's very easy to put people who occupy places of authority or admiration in our lives on pedestals. this can happen with our bosses, our friends, favorite authors, speakers, even our leadership... and it's such a devastating place to be. what we have to realize is that the people we admire are simply that - people. they make mistakes, go through hard times, lack grace, mis-communicate, fail, fall, fart in the bathtub...

i learned about pedestals several years ago when i first came to the ring. i had very little understanding of boundaries (mine and other people's), no idea as to what putting a person on a pedestal did to them, nor to myself. a good friend of mine gently pointed out that i had inadvertently put our pastor on a pedestal, with all the resulting improper expectations, lack of grace, and imbalanced (self-focused) perspective... and i am so grateful for that lesson - that insight spoken so gently into my life.

the biggest problem with pedestals, in my opinion, is not so much that the person will fall off - and they will - the biggest problem is that when we idolize someone in our life, we take our focus off Jesus. we begin to care more about what they think than asking Jesus what He thinks. we begin to think about that person more than we think about the Lord. we end up making that person an idol in our life, and that is so unfair to the person being idolized. this can happen with just about anyone in our lives - our parents, our family, our spouse, our friends, our leadership... and it dishonors God. yeah, ouch.

but probing more deeply into our tendency to idolize others, a much more devastating problem is uncovered. we tend to idolize others when we see something in them that we "lack" in ourselves, and that lack results in, or is a result of, shame. you may be thinking that i've made quite a leap from pedestals to idols to shame. i'm not so sure:

Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, know, believe, that we do not measure up - not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.

Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what He thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.

Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman [or man], we offer our "expertise". If we are a desolate kind of woman [or man], we offer our "service." We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected. -- Captivating, pp 73-74

shame says that we are not enough, or that we are too much. it causes us to look to others for validation, to prove our worth... and the only place to look for these things is the Word of God - Christ Himself. and let me just tell you - He adores you. He loves you. He accepts you. He is the One who validates you, who gives your life worth and meaning - no one or nothing else can do that for you.

i can also tell you that it breaks His heart when we seek others before Him. how do i know this to be true? just a brief overview of the old testament reveals this to us. how many times did israel turn away from the LORD, and how many times did He make a way for them to return to Him? bringing that truth forward into our lives this side of the cross, all we have to do is look into our own lives, our own walks with Jesus, to see that this is true. He is constantly seeking us, wanting time and intimacy with us, drawing us to Himself. what do you think motivates Him to keep after us, after all the repeated rejection and attempts at self-sufficiency? love. His love for His kids. His desire for relationship, for fellowship, for true intimacy with us... there will never be anyone in our lives that can or will love us that way - pure, unconditional, agape love is ONLY from the Lord.

putting people on pedestals - idolizing them - breaks His heart. He is the only One deserving of so much focus, so much emotion, so much effort and energy. as if that weren't bad enough, the one that we idolize is hurt, as well. let's look at it from the other side - what are we supposed to do when we realize that we have become the object of someones worship? ouch. now we're getting into sticky territory. i can only write from my own experiences. in the case of my niece, all i could do was to live my life in an exemplary manner around her, and wait for the day that she busted me being me. in the case of my friend, i can only wait and pray while i live my life walking with Jesus - valleys, deserts, peaks and all. in other words, i can only be me - it's the fairest expectation and the only one i will allow to dictate my actions. i have to put boundaries in place, and live within those boundaries, enforcing them when necessary - all the while being cognizant of other's boundaries, as well, and respecting them at all costs.

so where does shame fit into this? we have to realize that shame is a huge motivating factor in all our lives. we have to see it for what it is, and the influence it has over our lives... and we have to renounce the lies that it brings with it. shame is not of the Lord. it is a lie from the pit of hell. the sooner we realize that, the sooner we begin to recognize where it has permeated our lives and ask Jesus to reveal His heart to us. when He does that, we will begin to see our lives and each other through His eyes and the idol worship will stop. grace will reign in our lives again. our vertical will be restored, and our horizontals will fall back into place, where they belong.

my desire

i've been vacillating between trust and fear, believing lies and standing on the Truth - kind of a spiritual schizophrenia of late - reminiscent of david in the psalms. it's all i can do to leave home right now. if things keep going the way that they are, i won't be able to get out of bed soon. i managed to drag my butt out of the house this afternoon, with much emphasis on the dragging... and as always, on the days that we really, really, really don't want to do something, it's because we are really, really, really supposed to do it. knowing that to be true, i found enough stubbornness in me to drag myself out of the house for a pleasant afternoon with my niece and my partner in crime (aka paula, aka the dynamic duo), and then onto church.

on the way home tonight, this song was playing in my truck. my spirit was rejoicing, because i see the Lord doing such a work, and He's allowing me to be a part of that work - i'm just really blown away. then the lyrics of this song began to seep into my soul, and i was instantly humbled and thrilled, all at the same time. i don't think i can adequately express why this hit me so hard. the Lord has promised me restoration, warned me against pride, and called me to serve Him in ways that i never imagined - which is EXACTLY what this song is about... it was a gift from my King on a day when i really, really needed it.

good thing i was already inside the gates to my condo... my spirit began to worship instantly, which means that my eyes closed and my hands raised... i'm pretty sure the Lord parked my truck for me...

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King

You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

Chorus:
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

(Chorus)

All my life I have seen where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give my hands to use

(Chorus)

--My Desire by Jeremy Camp

offering

as made apparent by my rant in the last post, i need words of Life and Love to fill my soul. below is an email sent by a woman at the retreat to her sisters... i offer these words to you, in love and peace, praying you are fully alive in Him this day.

Hello Everyone,

I've been reading how everyone has been having a hard time readjusting to life in the valley...and you are so not alone. The things we experienced were so real. Don't forget that. I keep remembering the talk that Leigh gave about being a woman who is truly alive. And she spoke about God not calling you to a bigger "to do" list in your life, but a life of subtraction. Sometimes when we get away and are really able to focus (maybe for the first time ever) on what God wants to say to us and we actually HEAR his voice and feel that he truly loves us...it's so powerful. We we re-romanced in a powerful way up at 9000 ft. We were left breathless (literally!) by the beauty of creation, the snow he kissed us with, the bouquets of friendship he delivered daily, and the intimate ways he called each one of us out... it really was perfect. Eden must have been something like that. The longing to be there again is good. The lover of our souls waits for the time when we will steal away to be with him again. But he also longs to meet us where we are. He knows the responsibilities we have... jobs, spouses, children, grandchildren :-), they are good things given to us by him. We were in the presence of the Holy Spirit. While we may not be able to "retreat" from the life we've been given daily, we can ask the Lord to fill us with his Spirit daily. He wants us to. Keep taking your question to him... journal, pray, those times of silence were powerful... listen. He's still speaking. He still wants to come. Is there time for him to come? Even for a few minutes? Who or what keeps cutting in when you're dancing with him? Call it what it is and fight for your heart. You are worth it. On page 217 in your Captivating book there are a couple of paragraphs at the top that I like to use in my classes. I take the "you" and change it to'"I" and read it out loud over myself. These things are the truth no matter what my circumstances or situations might be telling me. It's powerful. I encourage you to do it. Your brain listens to you speak... the good and the bad. Let your words work for good for your heart. "I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed. As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty." Don't give up. You are worth fighting for.

subtle

we were told at the retreat to expect opposition - i even had the post title ready - "backlash"... what i've found instead is a subtle erosion that is so much more damaging. instead of outright attack, which i recognize instantly and know how to fight, i'm experiencing a gradual blah-ness that is sucking me dry. even now, new lies are creeping in to replace the old ones, and they are hard to identify and therefore very difficult to fight.

this current round of lies is less about me being too much and are more about me being too little - lacking. the things that make me who i am - things that i have always liked about myself - have now been called into question, and let me just tell you, it sucks.

i just relented on my anti-myspace stance, and i really wish i hadn't. i was there long enough to jump around from page to page, and realized that most of my friends and my community are out there. i also realized that either i have a decided lack of desire to be cool and have no sense of humor at all, or that i'm really, really dull. just a new twist on old lies, but it sucks just the same.

"a place for friends"? that's bullshit. it's a place to see who has the most friends, who can say the coolest thing, who can play the coolest music or use subtle (or not) manipulation with clever one-liners in the comment section. you can keep it. better yet, realize that you are loved just because you are who you are, surrender the need to be cool or hip or whatever, delete your page and pretend you never heard of such a place.

our pastor talked about how he fears the upcoming elder election has the potential to be comparable to a homecoming court - a popularity contest - instead of the intended process in which the Body prayerfully nominates our newest leaders... i felt the same way the first time i inadvertently jumped on a myspace page via a changed link to someone's blog, and i feel the same way tonight. i have enough battles to fight without going back to high school... or was that middle school? come to think of it, we were worried about the coolness factor in elementary school, for Christ's sake.

to avoid an all-out rant, and to avoid the risk of further offending anyone, i'll stop here. oh, i have many, many thoughts running through this brain right now, but for once, i think i'll act like the grown-up that i am, and stop before too much damage is done... yes, i'm openly acknowledging that i realize i have stepped on some toes. that happens from time to time - and i'm ok with that.

i'll stick to my blog. it's more for me than anyone else - if God chooses to use it in the lives of others, then that's great. if it offers words of love and life, then that's great, too. but i can tell you this with all honesty - my blog is not a place for competition or popularity - it's a place to share my thoughts and give God glory for what He's done and what He's doing in my life.

there are no agendas here - hidden or otherwise - you have my word on that. can you say the same about your space?

humbled

i don't know if it's because the anniversary date of my marriage is approaching, or because i am involved in a divorce ministry right now, but this story has come to mind several times over the past week or so, and when that happens, i generally figure it's a story that needs telling.

a couple of years ago, the entire Body at pbc did the purpose driven life by rick warren, together, as a church for 40 days. the Lord accomplished a couple of things in my life through that study - this is one story.

one sunday morning, a few weeks into the study, the Lord really threw me for a loop. He sent me on a mission... more like a forced cooperation. there are few times in my life where He has actually forced me to do something, but this is one of those times. it was either obey or i couldn't live with myself because of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. ever feel that way? let me just tell you that it did not matter how much whining, begging, kicking, screaming or refusing that i did, i was going on that mission - period.

so why so much fuss? well, the marching orders were not to my liking - at all. He told me to go to my ex-in-law's house, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness (did i mention that he left me for another woman?) for my part of the marriage failing. my reaction? not no, but hell no. that's right - that's exactly what i told Him... and He just looked at me. total silence. your dad ever give you that look that says, "you are going to do this, you are going to do exactly as i say, right now" and he never had to say a word? yeah, like that. so off i went, fussing and cussing the whole way.

i walked into the house, asked to speak to him, and we went outside. i asked his forgiveness for failing him, for the things that i had done wrong throughout the 13 years we were together, things that hurt him, or things i could have done differently - that i was sorry that the marriage failed, and asked him to forgive me. and i meant it. i took responsibility for my role in what had gone wrong, owned it and asked him to forgive me for it. and he did. and i left...

and He sent me back. oh - i was FURIOUS. you can only imagine what that conversation with the Lord was like - what do You mean, i'm not done? i did exactly as You asked AND i was sincere on top of that. i'm not going back - You are insane... and He gave me that look again. dang it. so i turn around, fussing and cussing even louder than before - and went back to apologize - to the woman he had left me for. that's right... to the woman he committed adultery with, to the woman who basically gave her kids to him when i was not able to even have kids, to the woman living in my home, to the woman who had stolen my identity, had impersonated me and seduced my husband from me...

i tell you her actions only to give you an idea of what He was asking me to do - NOT to keep a list of wrongs - please understand that. the enormity of what He wanted was unbelievable.

so back up the driveway i went. back into the house i went. his whole family was waiting to see what i was going to do next - they were already in shock from the first visit. you could hear them audibly suck in a collective breath when i turned to her and asked to speak with her - alone, outside. i think his mom actually edged toward the phone, ready to dial 911... no one dared say a word. in retrospect, i believe it was the Lord's hand all over that situation. i was there on His orders, after all...

anyway, i looked her in the face, and told her why i was there. before i could even tell her why i needed her forgiveness, she said, "of course i forgive you - i don't have anything against you." i almost decked her - i mean, i almost TOOK HER OUT. i think the Lord physically restrained me - i know He forced my flesh down and reminded me why i was there - to obey and honor Him - not to lose control and go to jail. so... i politely told her that while i appreciated her forgiveness, i wanted to be clear on what i was actually asking her forgiveness for. i asked her to forgive me for judging her. nothing else. she was in a profession that is... rather unconventional, and i stood in judgment of that. true enough, so i was actually sincere in asking her forgiveness... and she forgave me, only to start talking about Christ, and how she had been going to church with his mom... here is a woman, guilty of all that is written above, who stripped for a living, talking to me about Christ... it was like hearing a demon talking about Jesus. all i could think was "breathe... ann, you have to breathe." many years later, i know that Jesus came for the sinners - myself included - but at the time, i didn't know if i wanted to throw up or shoot her or myself. i managed to thank her for forgiving me and walked away, gagging. i know now that i was reacting to all the foul spirits that positively enveloped her, but at the time, i was just sick.

but then something happened that was totally unexpected - as if all this wasn't unexpected enough - i mean, really... how much can one heart take in a day??? as i walked down that driveway for the last time - i was free. i was free! i was free from the sin of unforgiveness. i was free from the sin of judgment. i was free from the anger and the ties that bound me to that family. i had obeyed, and i was free. i cried all the way home, thanking Him for making me go, for not letting me remain in that sin that was holding me back from growing with Him any longer... sin that i didn't even really know was there.

all these years later, i had the chance to tell that story to someone last week... and the Lord used it in their life. forgiveness is SO powerful, that all these years later, a single act of obedience is still affecting lives. how cool is that?

objectified

i woke up this morning in a bit of a snit.

i'm not sure why - typically, i'm the quiet sort in the early hours (anything before noon qualifies as "early" - yay unemployment!) - it's a throw-back to my married days, when any word spoken around my ex was said at my own risk. growing up, casting off the bowline before 5 was not unusual, so this leave-me-alone-before-the-first-cup-of-coffee is learned behavior, and one that i suppose i should correct.

back to the snit... although this pleasant trip down memory lane has done wonders for my snittiness...

someone please tell me when it became ok to view people as objects? men - since when is it ok to look at a woman and see her as a sex object? women - this is an equal opportunity snit - since when is it ok to look at a man and see him as a sex object?

although this post is going to explore part of the "women as sex objects" theme, i'm not letting women off the hook - not by a long shot. anything written here applies to us, as well. but admitting that is going against my snit, and it is my snit and my blog, so...

ok class - can someone tell me what God created last? or rather, who? that would be eve. and let me just tell you - she was not an afterthought, an "oh, dang, I'd better make a help meet [gag] for adam." she was the crowning glory of creation. His final extravagant finishing touch. His pièce de résistance. (add french accent here)

in case you have any doubts as to the veracity of my answer, see genesis 1-3 (and further explored in captivating). i mean, really read it. get into the story, feel the emotion, the wonder, the excitement in heaven as all the angels SHOUTED for joy. in case familiarity has lessened the impact of the story for you, remember that this is not just a story - it's how we came into being. it is our story. it cannot possibly be more personal than that.

yes, i know - sin entered the picture and it's been hell ever since. but that does not, i repeat DOES NOT, excuse the behavior and thought-attitude that still exists today - especially within the church. there are few things more sickening than seeing lust lurking around the men - and women - of the church... but not because it's "dirty" or "perverted" or whatever. it sickens me because it is a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem. yes, we have desires to be loved, to be held, to experience the intimacy that God created for a couple to thoroughly enjoy together. however, to let those desires dictate our behavior, our thoughts, our choice of a mate... if i had to guess which sin God hates the most (yes, i know - sin is sin - just go with me here) i would say that lust is definitely in the top 5. i say this because it is so damaging, not only for the one wrapped up in it, but for the object of someone's lust, as well.

desire, physical attraction, intimacy - these longings were created by God. gasp. these are good things when considered in the context of Christ-centered relationship. but they are so easily twisted into ugly, hurtful things when the desire for them exceeds our desire for intimacy with Jesus. no, don't check out yet - stay here with me for a minute.

although there are several horrible results that we could consider, let's just look at the one that is prevalent in the church. when someone is wrapped up in lust, the end result can easily be a poor choice in a mate. let me just tell you, from experience i might add, that physical attraction does not a marriage make. it helps, to be sure. this observation is valid for both genders - lust begets manipulation - in the form of seduction, inappropriate pursuit, and obsession.

it seems to me that a life-long commitment damn well better be centered on something other than physical attraction. for us single folk, that's what we want, right? to be part of something larger than ourselves (you married folk have already figured this out) and that something has to be rooted and established in love - in Christ's love - and that cannot include lust.

lust is a twisted version of true desire, true attraction - lust objectifies someone into something.

admittedly, i am no expert on what a Christ-centered relationship should look like. thankfully, we have several married couples within our community that are great examples of covenant relationship, and they do us the huge favor of not hiding their affection/attraction for one another - not flaunting it, but not hiding it, either. but i can say with confidence that while the success of their relationship may be enhanced by physical attraction, it is not the cement that keeps them committed when the shit hits the fan.

what happened to faith? what happened to trust? what happened to being comfortable in our own skin, able to be alone, but not lonely? what happened to waiting on the Lord, knowing His heart for us - that He is for us? although this started as a snit, it's not meant to bring on guilt or condemnation. it's meant to encourage us to open our eyes, to question our motives, to examine ourselves and our thoughts - and bring them to God. He is the only One who will ever truly satisfy us, even if/when we are married.

wrapping this back to the message from sunday about surrender - true surrender is stepping away from something and letting God handle it - it is His problem anyway, right? by all means, let's step away - consciously step away - from trying to manipulate our own thoughts or manipulate others. let's focus on deepening and strengthening our relationship with Christ. without that depth, we are toast. life continues to come at us, year after year, bringing joy, success, pain, death... if your life is not centered in Life, then you don't stand a chance.

fluid, v2

i was unsettled and discomfited with the previous version, so i thought i would give it another shot... i'm still not completely satisfied with it, but i'm tired of looking at it... i am my own worst critic.

i finally went to talk to my pastor late last week about this whole counseling thing - my exact question was, "am i smoking crack?" i just can't seem to get away from the oddness of it all - me, a counselor? come on... that is surreal to me.

i need to be very careful how i tell this part of the story, so as not to put words in his mouth, or to give any incorrect impressions about what he had to say about it. please read only what i write here, and nothing else - there are no lines to be read between. the basic response to the crack question was that personality really has very little to do with a person's ability to counsel others. it is much more about a person's giftings (YES I USED THAT WORD ON PURPOSE) - a person's God-given discernment, a person's ability to speak Truth in love, to be bold when necessary and a willingness to battle on behalf of another...

he also asked me why that particular school, and he mentioned a very specific counseling approach that i embrace but didn't have a name for - the gist is very prayer-focused, discernment-driven and Biblically-based counseling. he mentioned that there are several schools in the area (meaning less than 2000 miles away) that offer training with that particular focus - it has some big churchy name, but it escapes me at the moment... i don't think i can clearly tell you how my heart reacted to that news - i was thrilled that there are schools close to home to consider, while at the same time trying not to let my flesh react - i didn't want to jump all over that bit of news and drop all thoughts of seattle to satisfy my desire to be here, with my family, my community and my church.

i told my mom about his thoughts on the matter. she was thrilled, or so i found out tonight... she decided to come to the ring tonight, and my mom - the non-demonstrative, demure woman that she is - walked straight up to my pastor and hugged his neck! come to think of it, i can't remember the last time she hugged me... the look on his face over her shoulder must have mirrored my own look of surprise and disbelief. in shock, i asked her why she felt the need to hug his neck - she said that when i told her that he mentioned that there are other schools closer to home, she made a promise that the next time she saw him, she was going to hug his neck - and hug she did. i had no idea she felt that way about me leaving. wow.

later the same evening, i was talking with a friend, trying to put into words what the Lord is showing me through all this. we discussed the sermon tonight - part of it centered on different approaches to "surrender" - most people look at it as letting go of something in our effort to be "good" or "worthy" or whatever. tonight, we looked at it more in line with what God's Word has to say about it. we are not our own, we were bought for a price, and when He bought us back, He paid for our lives as well as our problems... so to realize that when we talk about surrender, we are actually surrendering something to Him that is already His. we can step aside and let God be God, admitting that our efforts to disentangle our lives are futile - that He is the One that is responsible for rendering sin (and the enemy) powerless in our lives - all we have to do is get out of His way, and to be ready to trust Him with whatever direction He chooses to give us...

as josh stated, that should change the way we think about what Jesus actually accomplished on the Cross - and out of that realization, our surrender should then be motivated by deep gratitude, never obligation.

we also talked about the fact that He has given me freedom to respond to Him out of my love for Him, not out of obligation or legalism or fear... one of the cool perks of this blog is that i have a record of what He is doing in my life that i can read over (and over and over) and begin to connect some of the dots. what i am beginning to understand is that He points me in one direction to get my thoughts going that way, and then He seemingly changes the plan on me...

just look at what's happened since i was laid off. He pointed me to grad school, only to shut the door at lsu. He gave me a job in the lab, not as a source of long-term provision, but primarily so that i would receive one phone call that set off a series of events that lead to deep healing, and developed the desire in me to walk with others out of the darkness. He pointed me to the captivating retreat, to develop an intimacy with Him that i have never known, and pointed me to a person who asked me a question that i didn't know needed asking - was i looking for a school in Biblical counseling, or a school that focused on modern psychology with a Christian twist? more recently, He has set up a series of conversations that dispel fear, reveal possible motivations of obligation and strict obedience and has, in effect, shown me that He has given me the freedom to respond and react out of my love for Him. isn't that what our lives are supposed to look like, anyway?

life with the Lord is full of twists and turns, as you well know. i'm learning that what He shows me is fluid - it's constantly in motion, but it becomes clearer when i take it one step at a time... that it's not His plan that's changing - it's my understanding that changes, as i gain depth of intimacy, as i seek Him, as i learn to trust His heart toward me...

so what does this all mean? He wants to honor my desire to counsel others - just possessing that knowledge is truly amazing. where and when does He want that to happen? who knows? seattle? here? philly? (which wouldn't surprise me a bit - random people from here seem to end up in philly...) all that really matters is that i keep my heart open to Him, listen for His voice, stay alert and open, but not jump the gun... all i have to do is be ready and willing to do whatever He asks, understanding that i will know what He wants when He chooses to reveal it to me - when i know, i'll know. in the meantime, i think it's kinda fun to watch Him cause the sand to settle to the bottom after being kicked up and disturbed for so long... He has a way of soothing me that is unlike anything i've experienced before.

thanks for reading... really

i stole the title for this post from a friend who has not blogged since january... i'm pretty sure that makes it up for grabs... or not, but it expresses what my heart is trying to say perfectly.

this is my 100th post, amazingly 1 year to the day after i began this blog - i'm not sure if i should celebrate, or if i should beg your forgiveness for ridiculously long posts... either way, knowing that you are out there, knowing that you care enough to read, knowing that He is using this blog in my life and yours - it is a blessing to share my life and my thoughts with you.

thank you... really.

seriously, part 3

the saga continues - this dance of one step toward the bank, immediately followed by a step toward school...

i was called in for pre-employment testing the day after i resigned from lsu. i was called in for an interview within minutes of sending off for grad school information. i interviewed twice when i got back from colorado, only to get the sense that i had reached the end of that road.

i had to go to the bank today to take care of some business for my mom. i have become pretty chummy with the branch manager - she is the one that encouraged me to apply in the first place. as i am sitting in her office, she takes it upon herself to email the hiring manager to see what the deal is, because if they are not considering me for the branch i applied for, then she wants me to apply for a different location - more money, closer to home, and under her area manager, which means that we would be working very closely together... which would be really quite a blessing, in and of itself, because she and i were instant friends the moment we met. how great it would be to actually work with a woman who actually likes me... the professional world is so vastly different from my community - i love my girls, but professional women can and usually are quite brutal.

i kid you not - as she is typing the email to the hiring manager, my phone rings. i didn't answer it for obvious reasons... when i checked my voicemail once i left the bank, guess who had called? that would be the grad school in seattle, wanting to set up a phone interview...

at first, i thought these series of events were a test - a 'pick door number three' type deal. now, i'm more inclined to think that the Lord is timing them together for a reason - perhaps to show me that He is all over this. i am, after all, going to need a job while i'm there... i'm at a point where my money is gone. i've been hugely blessed not to have had to work for the past 7 months, but even now, He's telling me to hurry up and wait. i constantly fight the "you're a bum" thought, and have refused to take matters into my own hands - He's told me not to look at my circumstances, He meant it, and i'm listening, for once.

so, at the moment, i'm off to mexico. i have several back-to-back trips planned after that, with the whole month of october pretty much booked solid, traveling here and there. that's another blessing - i've been all over the place since i got laid off, and it's cost me almost nothing... i get the sense that He is showing off His sovereignty - that whatever decision i make regarding taking this job, He's still sending me to school next fall. in the meantime, it's up to me to take a little pay-the-bills job to avoid being a burden on my mom, or i can choose to take the much higher paying job that will allow me to pay off my truck, help my mom whittle away at her debt, save for the move and firmly establish myself in an easily transferable position... yeah, He's got this one... and i may have actually passed the test, after all!

at the end of the day, my prayer remains the same - Your will, now and always. open and shut the doors, so that i am led directly to You.

ache

i've had several friends ask me to expound on abide, but let me start with the caveat that these are really my thoughts on a theme much more thoroughly and clearly presented in much of john eldredge's work.

a lot of the healing work in our hearts begins when we invite Jesus to journey farther into the ache. this requires a lot from us - initially - beginning with a desire to find healing and restoration. it also requires a willingness to face the hurt, and that requires strength and courage that comes from Him alone. it requires us to be in a place of longing - for Him, and all that He came to offer.

as we face that longing, we cannot help but ache. but this is where people get confused. longing and aching are good things, as long as we are hungering for Him, or the desires He has placed in our hearts. we are so very far from the way He intended things to be - from walking in fellowship with Him - that the ache is a natural result of being so far from that reality. i believe that the ache is an echo of His heart - His longing to return to us. if this is true, and i have every reason to believe that it is, then we are actually talking about 2 types of ache - the ache that stems from the longing for His return, and the ache that stems from the wounds that our hearts have sustained along the way - and our desire to be healed from those wounds.

the good news is that once we are in that place - once we have journeyed with Him to the place where the ache dwells - Jesus does the rest. He is the One that heals, He is the One that speaks words of love, forgiveness, redemption and restoration... He speaks eternity into our hearts.

in the hours since i began this post, i have discovered that He's not going to let me off the hook: if i'm going to write about ache, then i get to experience it too... and He wants me to use that ache as as illustration. i guess He wants a real-life, real-time demonstration... yay.

ok, so here goes. i got really angry today (tuesday). i mean, really angry. out of the blue, while i was taking a break from writing this post, i got slammed with anger. i was furious with my ex-boss for choosing me, out of the entire team, as the expendable one. it was an unexpected emotion, to be sure. since my thoughts were centered so much on "journeying into the ache" i decided to do just that, to see what this is all about.

it's a rather abstract process to try to describe... i just focused in on my heart, on the pain there, and asked Jesus to show me what was going on - why there is still such ferocious anger there. notice that there is an invitation for Him to be there with me, for Him to be the One to guide me through the murky places inside my heart. remember, my goal is for Him to have ALL of me - to not withhold anything, any part of me from Him. there is no room for self-condemnation, guilt, or anything else in this process - only naked honesty. i mean really - He knows everything anyway, so why try to hide it with a leaf? so to use josh's beautiful analogy, picture me with my chest open, under the Surgeon's lamp, heart exposed to that Light - not thinking, not praying, just bare and vulnerable before Him, letting Him proceed at His pace, letting Him guide me through all the emotions into the core of the ache.

what He showed me may not seem like revelation to you, but to me, it was astounding. and it made a way for healing to occur, because i understood for the first time that i wasn't just mad about losing my job, i was mad because, of that entire team, i am the one who actually cares about philip, about his life outside of work, his marriage, his kids, him as a person, and him as a man of God. i was the one always pointing him to Jesus, and i'm the one who got canned. it was and is a personal loss, and i'm grieving more than the loss of a job - i'm grieving for my friend, and the poor decisions he continues to make.

unexpectedly, He also showed me that there is fear lurking in my heart. He's done a great job of teaching me to look at Him, not my circumstances, but there is still a part of me that is scared to death that i won't be able to pay my bills. my money will be completely gone this month. that's a miracle - who gets to not work for 7 months? apparently me, by His grace... but now we are to the point where it's not a matter of me spending money wisely, it's a matter of no money at all, and none coming in the foreseeable future. He's told me He's got this, that i'm to look at Him, but He also showed me that i'm in danger of faltering - of wavering in my faith. how cool is that? He chose to point out danger ahead, instead of just letting me fall into the trap... and i use the word "trap" intentionally. fear is not of the Lord - it is an effective tactic of the enemy that works time and time again, and works like a charm - it keeps us paralyzed and taken out. He gave me a chance to avoid the trap.

this is so not where i thought this post was going. i'm going to sleep on it, and revisit it tomorrow.

so, today (wednesday) i've been thinking about what He wants from this post. in the meantime, i've written more about His faithfulness in seriously, part 3, and watching how quickly He responded to the trap of fear has me breathing easier already... and it doesn't really matter if i get that job or not - it's His response time that's blowing me away...

but how does all this wrap back to aching and longing? well, in the real-time demonstration He had me give you yesterday, He took me into a part of my loss that i had not considered - the loss of my friend, and the loss of my ability to keep him looking to (or at least considering) Jesus. 2 huge losses that i had not recognized or dealt with yet... more healing.

another aspect to consider here is our longing for... what? you name it. is it tangible, like a home? or is it intangible, like your desire for love and acceptance, respect and... let's just be real here (it is my blog - i can do that here) what about our desire for glory? NO, not self-glorification - His glory displayed in and through our lives... to be part of something grand and glorious and so much larger than ourselves. for us single folk, that can mean being part of a couple. for all of us, that can mean having the courage to step out of mediocrity and into Life, to step out of fear and into Light. for me, it can mean having my heart beat more loudly for Him than even the for the ring... go with Him there, and see what He has to show you. go on, it's safe. He is good, even as He is wild and jealous and wonderful.

ok, on to the ache. longing creates ache. wounds create ache, as well. go with Him there, too. oh, yay. He wants another demonstration... this post is costing me a lot. but i dare not tell Him no, so...

obviously, over the summer, He dealt with the wound of losing my dad at sea. He's not done with the wounds - not by a long shot. there are many, and they are ugly. the messages that come with the wounds are uglier still. you are hard. you are unworthy of love. you are invaluable as a mate because you can't have kids. you are not a virgin, so no man of God is going to want you - he deserves ALL of his wife. you have too much baggage - too much past. your sexuality is warped because you were abused - raped, molested, taught too much at the hands of anger or lust rather than love. i'm using the word "you" intentionally, because i know you struggle with something - but these are my "things". yes, these are the messages of some of the wounds i've sustained over the years - most of them before the age of 15. but NO, the messages are NOT TRUE. so said Jesus... when i invited Him into the ache. He showed me that they are lies, meant to keep me out of the glory God intends for my life. yes, all those events happened to me, and He is so pissed at the enemy. He told me that, too. not only am i forgiven, redeemed and restored - ALL of me - i am avenged. God's justice will always prevail.

but here's the thing. i would not know these things - really KNOW them to be true because He told me so Himself - if i had not invited Him to go there with me, if i had not allowed Him to deal with me, ever so gently, to expose the lies, to bathe and dress the wounds, and to heal my heart. He taught me to embrace the wound, to own it and to give it to Him. this didn't happen overnight, and it's not finished. there are days when i flat out tell Him no, that we're not going there. and so He waits... just there, for me to stop, slow down, to enter into His presence, to press into Him when He feels far away... to press into the longing, into the ache, into Him.

yes

i could be wrong - and that would be ok with me - but i think the Lord is calling me away, to go to school in seattle.

yeah, i know - i'm the only person i know that loves hot, sultry southern air, and He wants to send me to a place where it's cold and rainy. in fact, i can think of SEVERAL reasons why i don't want to be called away to seattle, the first of which is my heartbeat for the ring. He's the One that gave me supernatural cpr and started my heart beating for my community, my girls, my church, my family... why would He do that only to send me on my way? in thinking about that, it's occurred to me that He may have developed a deep and abiding love for my community, so that the ache of leaving assures that i will return.

i suppose i should begin at the beginning. part of what i mean when i say that my heart beats for my girls is that i desire to walk through life with them, to cry and laugh and vent and rage and to spur each other on - to be available, to offer Life, strength and encouragement to them. spinning from that desire is a desire to live my life fully alive from Him, for His kids - to not pour so much of myself into a job that i don't have anything left to give. but not just that - i desire to be able to really help, not just point people to a counselor when i see a need. i want to be able to help them recover their hearts, to live fully in the heart of God. that's not self-glorifying - that is just a deep desire that i didn't know was there...

a dear friend of mine told me tonight (sunday) that God putting me in the position to point people to counselors is a place of honor - and hearing those words, meant as encouragement, were soul-killing to me. why is it that one day offers words of life, and the next manages to make me feel less than worthy to serve my Lord?

in the grand scheme of things, all He cares about is that i'm willing to go where He sends me... which brings me back to the original thought for this post. my heart hesitates over the thought of moving so far away, of leaving my community and my friends - my family. but more honestly, i want to be in a place where my heart does not hesitate before the Lord - i want to say YES and mean it - without question, and without hesitation.

back to the story - sorry about the tangents - He placed a longing in me to learn from Him how to counsel His kids - how to really dig in and allow Him to heal their hearts and allow Him to set them free. this desire began as a vague aversion to return to corporate america and began to take shape toward the end of summer in the form of a search for a Christian grad school that offers a program in Biblical counseling - not modern psychology with a Christian spin on it. this very tiny, fragile seed of an idea has been slowly growing for a few months now. during the retreat, several things happened that seem to affirm that desire was from Him... one of the very first conversations i had thursday afternoon was with one of the ransomed heart team. during the course of that conversation, a specific school and a specific man were mentioned. i kid you not - at least 5 more times over the next few days, either the school or the man was brought up in conversations with random people - so much so that by the time i got back to the denver airport sunday afternoon, i was in serious "You have got to be kidding me" mode.

i deliberately booked a late flight out, to avoid any potential travel issues - which meant that i had about 4 hours to kill by myself in the airport. i love airports, so not a big deal - i was actually looking forward to people-watching for several hours... until He hit me with these series of conversations. i tried to read - only to get 2 paragraphs into the book, when i ran across the man's name. i about threw the book across the room... i spent those 4 hours praying, complaining, demanding clarity (yeah, that works...), agonizing over what seemed to be a new revelation about His calling on my life - the distance, the responsibility, the warfare, the glory of being allowed to be a part of seeing His kids set free... i was beside myself. i was spiritually spent and weary to the very core of who i am. i finally stopped complaining and just asked from somewhere deep inside of me for Him to please give me more clarity, more true sense of calling, more of Him. He really does have a sense of humor, you know... the guy to my right on the plane? reading a book - the chapter title that i caught? "the benefit of counsel". the girl to my left? reading a book - on finding happiness through anti-depressants. seriously.

when i say i was beside myself, i really mean it. i didn't want to pray anymore, and i didn't want any more "signs." i put on the headphones to listen to the tower chatter - not distracting enough. i took them back off, only to put them right back on again to listen to the in-flight movie - which was so of the world my spirit just could not take it after such an intense weekend, so off the headphones came, once again. then i could not stop thinking, so back went headphones on, this time listening to tower chatter from flight zone to flight zone. it really was quite interesting, as we changed flight altitude several times to avoid turbulence, then we had to divert around weather in texas, so i got the reprieve that i wanted... until i was walking down the jetway after we landed in new orleans. a man behind me struck up a conversation with me - he had just returned from... you guessed it - seattle. and to top that particular incident off - he is a professional photographer, and knew my dad. craziness...

now, i'm not one to believe in coincidence, nor am i one to make life decisions based on "signs" that seem to point in one direction or another. call me crazy, but i lean heavily on affirmation - maybe confirmation is a better word. in this instance, i want absolute clarity before i up and move 2000 miles away - but not just because my life is here, my church, my community, my family are all here. it really has more to do with the responsibility of the call.

who am i? seriously, who am i to think that i might be able to help those in crisis? everything in my life, up to the retreat, pointed to agreements that i made with the enemy that i have renounced - i am unapproachable, too intense, not empathetic enough... blegh, blegh, BLEGH. talk about feeling unworthy...

ok, so this is going in 10 different directions. let's look at the Truth, instead of opinion and discouraging encouragement. i have seen much tragedy in this lifetime. i am bound to see more. i uniquely understand many hurts, and that understanding gives me insight that you cannot have without having been through a particular trial. through the healing process over the summer, the Lord created a desire in me to spend my life walking others out of the darkness, back into His light. i need to be equipped and trained to do that - the calling is deeper than coffee shop ministry. i think He wants me to take it a step further - to go to school, to receive the training and knowledge that i need so that i can take on the mantle of responsibility that such a calling requires me to shoulder.

it may sound trite, but i believe that the Lord never wastes a hurt. i believe that He wants to use the tragedies in my life to help others - that they did not happen in vain. for me to just allow Him to heal me, and to not offer that healing to others... that would be the real tragedy.

so where does all this leave me? at the moment, confused. praying for clarity - for open and shut doors. i have begun poking around the school website and the job market there. interesting side note - i may finally figure out why i have a degree in forest management - the major employer up there is weyerhaeuser... i worked for them as an undergrad. i even found the perfect job - straight up the mountain from school, working for the forest service with government housing, to boot. problem there is, i found the job listing 6 hours too late... so, i'm praying through it. i'm seeking to be obedient by opening myself to the opportunity He may have placed before me. i'm scared half to death that He's serious, and i'm asking Him for a steadfast heart - one that says yes just because He loves me, has proven Himself faithful to me over and over again, and is deserving of my full attention, loyalty and faith.