crossroads

i have a difficult decision to make - a conundrum, if you will. part of the complexity of this problem involves my finances (i accidentally typed mt finances - yeah...).

i try very hard not to make decisions - especially life decisions - based on finances. if i am choosing the course of my life based on money, then it stands to reason that i am pursuing money more than i am pursuing the Lord.

trust me on this one - i am not trying to be super holy, or live on a measure of faith that i do not really have. i am simply trying to make some good decisions about my life, for a change. i want to trust my Lord, i want to follow Him, and i want to glorify Him by finding His perfect will for my life, and pursuing that purpose passionately.

i don't believe that i can accomplish that goal by letting money be the deciding factor. yes, i have bills to pay. yes, i live in this world, too. yes, i know we have to work for the things we have in this life - but the longer i go without, the less value i see in material things. conversely, the longer i go without, the more unattainable even the basic things in life seem to be. i'm not even talking about wealth - i'm talking about basic things that most people have - you know, a home, a spouse, 2.5 kids and a couple of dogs. i don't think that's a lot to ask - that's pretty much the norm in our society. but who wants normal, right? right?

i find myself at 33 years of age living at home with my mom. as grateful as i am for her - and i am tremendously grateful - this is not where i expected to be at this point in my life. i expected by now to have a purpose, a calling - a clue as to what my life is supposed to be about.

most of you know that i was laid off in april. most of you know how much i've struggled mentally and spiritually since then. it's been pretty messy... most of you know that i started back to lsu as a grad student over the summer. most of you know that i have been desperately seeking funding for the fall.

well, i've found it. before you start jumping up and down, praising the Lord, let me just say that this is where the conundrum comes into play. grad school, i've discovered, is basically a bunch of hoops to jump through - there seems to be more focus on following the rules than actually gaining an education. nothing comes without a price, as the saying goes. by accepting the funding, i basically put my life in someone else's hands for the next 2 years or so. let me just say that idea does not sit well with me...

so, choice number one is to accept the assistantship. this comes with a couple of costs. yes, it pays my tuition. it also pays about a third of my former salary. yes, i know - college is a struggle and there are millions of other students struggling right along with me. i'm not saying i'm special, or that i deserve anything better than anyone else. i am saying that there are other considerations - like the fact that my family is in debt up to our eyeballs, and me stepping out of the financial picture for 2 years affects my family, not just me. then there is the whole becoming beholden to someone else for any length of time. that does not sit well with me, on any level. again, i realize that there are thousands of grad students that have to suck it up and give a committee of people a major say in their lives for a few years - i just don't like it - at all. i don't like being forced to work on something that i have no interest in. i don't like being bound to someone else's bidding and agenda - for any amount of time. another aspect, and the most troublesome to me, is the fact that the school has really jumped through hoops for me. they are granting me provisional acceptance into a department, without requiring me to meet the admission requirements for that department. they have offered me provisional assistance, again without having jumped through all the normal entrance hoops - gre scores, letters of recommendation, etc. but here's the thing - i've been running all over campus, meeting with all sorts of people, and the end result feels very much like manipulation, not blessing. it feels like i've manipulated the situation, and will be manipulated in return. from the outside looking in, it seems like a wide-open door, but from my perspective, i don't see the Lord in this scenario - i see me.

then there is choice number two - allowing my mom to take some of our last-ditch-effort-to-save-our-finances money, otherwise known as a second mortgage, and pay my tuition with that. that alleviates the assistantship problems, but contributes to my mom's debt. not an easy choice for me to make. she's not paid one red cent for my education up to this point, and she is in less of a position to pay for it now than she was when i began my college career.

choice number three is a non-choice, but one you have probably asked yourself why i haven't brought up by now. i have a substantial student loan debt amassed from my undergrad work. i am reluctant to double my debt in 2 years to an even more ridiculous sum. most graduate work is funded, either by the school, or by an employer. everytime i've tried to suck it up and go the loan route, i get a resounding NO from the Lord. hence the non-choice.

choice number four is to work during the day and take classes at night. this seems the ideal option, but no doors have opened up in the world of employment for me, except for the student worker position at the lab that only allows me to work 20 hours a week - which does not come close to paying the bills. the other problem with that is the fact that they want me to take over a project that requires me to be there at 7 in the morning, every day... when you stop laughing at the idea of me actually being up and somewhere at that time in the morning... the biggest problem with this is that my classes are at night, and i can't afford the gas to leave campus between work and school, so i would be on campus 13 hours a day. that's a lot - for anybody.

choice number five is to drop school altogether and wait. this may be the hardest of all, because it effectively makes me a bum in the eyes of the world. as hard as this one is, it's also the one that gives me the greatest peace, which makes no sense at all. is it fear of the unknown and a reluctance to step out of my comfort zone, or it is His peace? why is it that we always feel as though we have to be doing something? a friend of mine told me last night that sometimes, the Lord just wants us to wait on Him... not to do anything - just trust Him, and wait for the next marching order.

so there are my options, as i see them. none of them are very appealing, and truth be told, it's very difficult to make such a decision when my heart and mind are not aligned and engaged.

if you've made it this far into this post, thanks for sticking with me, although i didn't expect you to. this is really a way for me to think through my options, to really take a long hard look at them, and try to see them clearly. the Lord has been very faithful to teach me not to look at my circumstances right now, especially right now. He wants me looking at Him. He wants me involved in the lives of those i love so much, who are struggling and hurting so much. He wants to continue to heal my heart. in other words, He wants me to look at my situation through His eyes. He wants me to believe Him, not my circumstances.

Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and open my heart, that i may turn, and follow You.

soapbox - 1

i hate labels.

you know - alcoholic, addict, single, racial identifiers, denominational identifiers, sinner, lost - that kind of thing.

i finally found Scriptural references to back me up on this. the gist is this - you've sinned, but you are not that sin - you don't become that sin (i'm quoting beth moore again). whether it's transgression (deliberate sin) or sin (in the general sense), we do not become the sin we've committed, nor do we have to remain enslaved to it... it is for freedom that Christ set us free (galatians 5:1)... psalm 19:13 and 32:1-6 are the OT reference points. in the NT, as Christians, we are REDEEMED. we are NOT defined by that sin - that totally takes away from the sufficiency of the work of the cross. according to ephesians 1:3-8 (kjv) we are loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. this is further backed up by philippians 2:15 and romans 4:1-17.

that's who the Word of God says i am. if you want to label me, go ahead, but please do your best to stay within the confines of who God says i am. i am a Christian - i will not accept any other label.

disclaimer - i wrote this sunday afternoon - before kayla spoke and before josh's sermon - how cool is that? it was saved as a draft... although i have to give josh props for the idea that the church needs a whole lot of cool tatoos to remind us of who we are in Christ...

saved, v2

i watched saved tonight - the movie, not the tv show. josh mentioned it a few weeks ago, and it's stuck in my mind, so i decided to see what my reaction to it would be. i should clarify that josh mentioned it in relation to how loving God and loving the Body should look like contrasted against what it so often ends up looking like without our even realizing it.

honestly, parts of it were funny, parts of it turned my stomach, and parts of it were too irreverent for my taste. regardless of my opinion, the thought that has me up at 4 in the morning is not necessarily the whole bashing Christ's reputation, or even the blatant exposure of the hypocrisy that our lives can look like. what worries me is the cynicism that can be brought about by the shame of having been "that girl"... and i'm not talking about the pregnant one, or even the one who totally renounces God. i'm talking about the pharisee... i'm also concerned with the cynicism that can be brought about in our lives by the ones who were authentic - whose hearts and motives were pure in loving, worshiping and living for Jesus - and were still seen as fake and brainwashed.

i realize that to the world, hands up praising God worship can be an odd thing. believing prayer can seem like insanity to those with no faith. but here's the thing - we aren't supposed to look like the world, nor are we necessarily supposed to go out of our way to make someone comfortable when we are in the presence of God. i don't know about you, but there's not a whole lot of comfort being fully in His presence. peace, joy, conviction, love, confusion, fear... there's lots of things i feel in the presence of God, but comfort is rarely one of them. i daresay that if i am ever comfortable in His presence, then that's a pretty good indicator that i need to do a heart check, and quickly.

the Word says that we are to guard our hearts, our minds - even our eyes and ears - to be careful about what we allow in. i'm not saying that we should live in a bubble - what good does that do? - but we are not supposed to live in and of the world, either. we are set apart by God, a holy nation, co-heirs to the throne of Christ. when are we going to live like we truly believe that? is there ever going to be a point when there is not something inside of us that struggles to deny Christ at times?

i think the most disturbing thing about the movie, and the thing i am most grateful for in the Body of Christ that makes up the ring, is that through Christ, grace is the over-riding theme of our lives. there was a decided lack of grace displayed by most of the characters in the movie, and there is a decided abundance of grace at the ring. i've learned more about grace in action through the Body at work - in shelters after katrina, in community groups when tensions run high, in lack of communication and consistent forgiveness and understanding. there is no expectation of perfection, from the leadership down. yes, the bar is set high, but Christ sets that bar, not us. and it's Christ that enables and empowers us to display grace - to give it and receive it - when there is no logical explanation for it. isn't that what grace is all about? it's all about undeserved mercy, and makes no logical sense at all... and that's our clue that we may actually have it right...

Lord, please protect us from the cynicism that can sneak in and harden our hearts. continue to pour Your love and grace in and through our lives. continue to run rampant in our hearts, convince us to surrender to You once and for all. Jesus, we have so much to learn, so much to rectify with the world, so much of You that we want to accurately show the world around us. Father, help us to do that. help us to love, to be humble and patient, to overflow with love and honor and power and grace - all for You, to bring glory to Your name. help us, Lord, to do that consistently. in Jesus' name, AMEN.

offended

August 16 – 1:52 pm

Off topic from the previous post, but still relevant to my life right now, is that the Lord is beginning to show me – very gently – that HE is supreme, HE is sovereign, HE is holy and righteous. He showed me through a Bible study that I’m doing while I’m here that I’ve been offended by Him. How audacious am I?

The Scripture reference is Matthew 11:6 – Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me. (NIV) The KJV says it this way – Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me. The original Greek word here for ‘offended’ is ‘skandalizo’ and Strong’s defines it this way – 1) to put a stumbling block or impediment in the way, upon which another may trip and fall, metaph. To offend 1a) to entice to sin 1b) to cause a person to begin to distrust and desert one whom he ought to trust and obey 1b1) to cause to fall away 1b2) to be offended in one, i.e. to see in another what I disapprove of and what hinders me from acknowledging his authority 1b3) to cause one to judge unfavourably or unjustly of another 1c) since one who stumbles or whose foot gets entangled feels annoyed 1c1) to cause one displeasure at a thing 1c2) to make indignant 1c3) to be displeased, indignant. (emphasis mine)

To see this in context, the story is Matthew 11:1-19, when Jesus is responding to John the Baptist’s disciples question as to whether or not He is the Christ. John is sitting in jail and needs to know if He is Who John believes Him to be. Admittedly, I am not a scholar, so I would encourage you to read it yourself, but this is what I believe is going on here: John was about to die. His life had been spent entirely submitted to God – preparing the way for the One. John knew that He could save him. I believe that he knew that his role in the story was complete. Jesus was telling him – reassuring him – that He was the One, and that his life had not been spent in vain. He was also telling him that his place in the story was fulfilled, and that John’s continued faith and trust was pleasing in God’s sight. In telling John not to be offended, He is telling him to accept His divine supremacy and plan. Wow.

I am pretty blatantly ripping this straight from Believing God: experiencing a fresh EXPLOSION of faith by Beth Moore. Some of the conclusions are my own, but the idea and the Scripture references come from pages 68-72 of the study. Beth points to Daniel 3:16-18 and Colossians 1:15-17 to further reinforce His supremacy and our call to accept, nay, embrace, our role in the larger story that God is telling.

I think that in our quest for intimacy with Christ, we can easily get away from His total “otherness”, His sovereignty and His authority over our lives – that our lives are not our own. That my life is not about me… We want Him to be our friend, but that takes away from Who He really is. Yes, we are called to walk closely beside Him, we are to trust Him, we are to obey Him and to submit to His calling on our lives. Yes, He wants to restore our hearts so that we may live fully in Him, through Him and for Him. The big ‘but’ here is that in reducing Him to ‘friend’ we lose sight of Who He really is and what He’s up to. We get caught up in our stories instead of His story.

Lord, give us eyes to see and ears to hear, so that we may take our rightful place in Your story, acknowledging fully and joyfully that You are the Author, and that participating in Your story is an invitation, a privilege and the goal of our lives. Praise You, Jesus.

battle

August 16 – 12:36 am

I know that everything we go through is not a fight – not spiritual warfare, but sometimes it is, and there is no denying it. Continuing from the previous post - recognizing that I am in the midst of a battle is not the same thing as winning that battle or defeating the enemy. In fact, I believe that recognition brings on more opposition. At least, it seems to be the case more often than not.

I recognized that my friend was under opposition. I prayed through it. I prepared for it as well as I could. I braced for the battle and was soundly defeated. Why is that?

Frankly, I am not in the mood for philosophical bullshit. I’ve just been through a battle and I’m still seething. Being angry – this angry – is bad enough… but the real fear here – the relevant emotion, if you will, is non-emotion. Disengagement - as in, my heart is totally removed from what is happening around me. For someone who is trying to live from her deep heart, disengagement is a BAD thing.

I am self-righteous angry, not heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping, can’t-talk-straight angry. The fact that my heart is so not involved is indicative of defeat. OK, so maybe it’s because I’ve not allowed it to reach my heart. I think if it did, I’d break. Does that mean I’ve defeated myself?

August 16 – 5:36 am

I woke up with a demon on my head. OK, so I didn’t see it, but I was definitely pinned to the bed and could not move – at all. All I could do was cry out to Jesus. I couldn’t even rebuke it myself. As if that isn’t bad enough, here’s a strange twist – I was not afraid. No fear at all… I just recognized what was happening, realized that I couldn’t do anything about it, and cried out to the One who could.

The stupid part about all this is that I knew going into last night that there is more going on here than just talking through some things with my friend. I know – head knowledge – that I needed to approach the conversation wary and alert, and armed to the teeth. How many times am I going to screw this up? How many times am I going to go into a situation without Jesus? Even if I go into the situation prayed up as I did last night, as soon as I get in the drivers seat, the battle is lost.

oppression

August 15 – 3:19 pm

I feel like I’ve been fighting for my life - fighting on behalf of another, so that I may receive the healing and restoration that I came here so desperate for. It seems that once again, I have been so inward-focused that I have allowed the suffering around me to go unattended. Yes, I realize that those 2 statements contradict themselves. Let me explain.

I have been fighting several oppressive spirits here. Not all out and out war, but more of a recognition that they are here and a pleading with the Lord to rebuke them from my friend so that he will be set free, but also that I may be healed, as well. His oppression is hindering me.

Before you condemn me as arrogant and self-serving, let me say that most of this is going on the in the spiritual realm. I recognize in my spirit that there is oppression here. I recognize that it is hindering me by putting a strain on the relationship with my friend, thus taking my attention and focus off of the work I believe the Lord wants to accomplish in my heart and mind while I am here. I also recognize that my friend needs to be set free and delivered from this un-opposed oppression – there is no one here to recognize it or fight it off.

It seems that once again, the word He revealed to me at my baptism is unrelenting and true – my life is not about me. I came here seeking healing and restoration, clarity and direction, peace and renewal. What I found was that and more. I found one of God’s children in desperate need – more desperate than mine. I say that because I have a community, a church – I can choose to be surrounded by godly people at any given time – he does not. He is lost and wandering, and living under such oppression that I can hardly fathom, and he doesn’t even begin to recognize. As the battle rages in the spiritual realm, the tension between us is growing.

So typical of the Lord to send me here and to get as much mileage out of the time here as possible… one of the most difficult things that I’ve encountered lately is that I feel like I’ve been taken out – that my inability to deal with all that has happened to me this year has rendered me incapable of being used for the Kingdom in any real way. Maybe He’s trying to show me differently…

That’s a new thought. It seems to me that He is showing Himself capable – that He is the One working in and through me – that I have very little to do with what’s going on in my life. Yes, I have to choose to participate. I had to choose to come here. I had to choose to seek Him. I had to choose to seek restoration and healing. I have to choose to let Him continue His work in me. I have to choose to stay engaged and involved in what He wants to accomplish in my life. But there is recognition that He is the One doing all these things… and that recognition exposes unintentional arrogance, pride and self-sufficiency – independence. Hmmm…

Yes, I know (head knowledge) that He is sovereign and capable. What is so very awesome is that Paula and I have been praying that our head knowledge will become heart knowledge. We’ve been praying this so that we can live from our deep hearts, firmly rooted in faith, as opposed to trying to live on head knowledge, because what we know intellectually is not cutting it for the crisis’ of faith that our lives have become.

Honestly, I came here fully expectant of a God-show, fireworks and all. What I’ve found instead is a gentleness that soothes my soul. Yes, I still face doubts and uncertainty about my immediate future – finances, job, school, home, church, community, etc. However, the fear is being overridden by a gentleness that’s different than peace. It’s as though He has picked me up and is holding me gently in His hands, assuring me of His love, His (dang it) sovereignty, His absolute control and purpose for everything that’s been allowed to happen to me. Oh, did I mention His mercy? He’s assured me of that, as well. Isn’t He amazing?

Going back to the original thought for this post, this new revelation begs the question as to what to do about the oppression and tension here. What part does He want me to play? It’s up to Him to heal and restore my friend, so where does that leave me? The word that’s circling in my mind is ‘love’. I’m to love him and let Jesus do the rest. What does love look like in this situation? Certainly, I can pray. I can ask to be allowed to intercede. I can bind away the unclean spirits that are oppressing him. I can believe God that He will give me words and present an opportunity to talk if that’s what He wants to happen. At the very least, I can listen. I can turn my focus off of myself and tune into what’s going on with him. Of this I am confident – I was sent here. As stated above, I came here seeking many things. I think this may be the classic example of being poured into, so that in turn, His love can overflow into the lives around me. I love the way that Scripture always points us in the right Direction:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:4-7

LIFE

August 14, 2006 4:04 am

There are so many things that have gone awry in my life… I need the Lord to show up in so many ways. Apparently, He wants to deal with one thing at a time. Of the many things that He wants full access to – and the thing I most want to give Him – is my heart. There is so much hidden there, hurting and desperate for Him.

I came to this place with a lot of expectation. He is excruciatingly slow in working things out in my heart and mind. The most focus and emotion has centered on my dad, so that is where we have to begin.

I want to tell you a story. It’s not a woe-is-me tale, and it’s not fiction. This is part of the story of my life, up to this point, although I believe there is more to this particular chapter – much more. I’ll tell you what I know as of tonight, but to do that, I have to bring you back to my childhood.

Author’s note – I am telling you facts – if they seem cold, it’s because dealing with facts has become one of my coping mechanisms – that and sarcasm... The Lord is dealing with that.

Ready? I’m not sure if I am either, but here goes… this has been a long time coming. 16 years, almost, but I’m getting ahead of the story…

I grew up spending my summers in south Florida. Every summer, my mom and dad and us 2 girls would load up entirely too much stuff into our station wagon, hitch up the boat, and off we’d go on a 3 week vacation. We’d wind our way south through Florida, stopping at out-of-the-way places like Wickeewatchee to watch live mermaids and Wakulla Springs to hold hands with some brave boy to jump off a diving platform into the crystal clear and icy cold water 15’ below. Of course, we’d do the Disney thing, and the Busch Garden thing – glass bottom boats are the bomb – and we’d go to really cool places like Tarpon Springs and the Everglades and – how cool is this – to Venice Beach to search for shark’s teeth. Of course, the ultimate destination was always the Keys – Marathon, to be exact. As much as we loved the cool stops along the way, we could not wait to get to the Blue Waters Motel on Marathon Key. We’d unhook the boat (I was always daddy’s little girl and could pretty much handle a 21’ boat by age 9 or so) as soon as we got there. Then came the traditional first night’s swim in the pool with Dad, and then we’d be on the water at first light.

There are so many memories, like a night-blooming cactus and flip-flops melting on the blazing hot asphalt, striped butts from tanning through swimsuits and holding my breath as long as I could underwater in the pool, but most of them center around the ocean. My dad was an avid fisherman, and being daddy’s little girl, so was I. We were also avid divers. The coral reefs were places of high adventure and close calls – from almost drowning to near misses with sharks and barracudas, to great fishing and phosphorescent algae glowing behind the boat at night. To say that I loved it there doesn’t even come close. I was at home there. I belonged. I’d sit alone at the end of the jetties late at night, watching the stars falling, in awe of the world and all that life had to offer.

Fast-forward to the summer of 1990. I was 17 and a real pain in the ass to my parents. We deviated that year, going on a road trip to the Rockies instead of going to the Keys. Both my sister and I were typical teenagers – boy-crazy, not so parent-crazy, and independent to a fault. The trip, although strewn with beautiful memories, was, by far and large, a huge disaster. My sister and I couldn’t wait to get home to our boyfriends, and my parent’s couldn’t wait to get away from us. Oh, did I mention that my sister had a baby in April of 1989? So, in addition to me and my sister’s complete disinvolvement, we had a toddler along for a 3 week road trip. It was not much fun – for any of us.

In the midst of all this turmoil, my dad, for reasons still unclear to me, had become very unhappy with his work as a photographer for the paper. He used to cover the LSU games, squatting on the sidelines, taking incredible shots of the Tigers in all their glory. Well, he was in an accident one day; as a passenger, he saw it coming and responded instinctively by trying to hit the non-existent brake. He broke every bone in his left foot, and was unable to cover the games anymore. He did special features on local chefs, local coverage, stuff like that, but eventually became very unhappy with changes within himself and his work environment. He decided to retire that year to become a freelance photographer. His idea was to cover the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ arrival in the new world by tracing his voyage through the Bahamas and Bermuda. The idea was to publish a photographic documentary in 1992, and to begin a career as a freelance photographer.

So, in late November 1990, he left for our fishing camp in Mississippi to get all his gear and the boat ready for the trip. I was supposed to meet up with him, having gotten special permission from school to go with him. A week or so later, a friend and I went to the camp, hoping to catch up with him to finalize plans for me to meet him in Florida. We missed him. I wrote him a note, on the off-chance that he would return prior to heading on to Florida – that will become more relevant as the story unfolds. On December 7, he called home, looking for me. I was not there – I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend and was late getting home that night. That was the last time we heard from him.

On December 13, my mom’s birthday, he did not call. I began calling one Coast Guard office after another, trying to get to the “appropriate” office to report him missing. My mom and sister were either in denial or paralyzed – I’m not sure which, but I took charge and gave many an agency hell, trying to convince them of his expert boatmanship, his familial responsibility and love for his wife – all of which pointed to something having gone terribly wrong. (You think I’m passionate and bold now – you should have known me back then – it was pretty crazy.) We finally got in touch with the Coast Guard in Broward County, and were told we reported him missing too late – that the search area was too large to hold any realistic expectation of finding him. They found his truck and trailer, but no one who actually saw him leave in the boat. He never checked into customs at Bimini, the closest island in the Bahamas to the US mainland. They traced his credit card activity and his traveler’s checks – and froze my mom’s assets. (“Standard procedure during an investigation, Ma’am…” – this as she tries to continue to pay bills and feed her family while her husband is lost at sea…) I even went as far as calling Unsolved Mysteries – it was in its prime back then – to ask them how long it would take to air the story. I was told 3 weeks, minimum – I hung up, telling them that 3 weeks was too long to wait for answers – that he needed help right away. In my mind, he was somewhere, waiting desperately for us to do something, to find him. Little did I know that I would be sitting here tonight, still battling this loss, 16 years later…

Suffice it to say, it was a rough time. From the very beginning, they gave us no hope of finding him alive. The story broke in Baton Rouge, and theories ran the gamut from him being a victim of piracy (those were the Miami Vice days – cigarette boats and drug running and all that) to him fulfilling his oft-repeated quip, “One of these days, I’m going fishing and I’m not coming back.” A local political figure – one of dad’s friends – actually flew down there and searched the deserted islands for any sign of life. Nothing. We hired a private investigator for as long as we could afford him – about a year – nothing. More good news – the boat he was in was made the year before they began lining the insides with foam, so the hull would float in case the vessel capsized, which meant that there was no hope of finding the boat if he had actually gone under. And then we were hit with the series of clinchers that broke my mom and formed my resolve to find out what happened – first, the Coast Guard’s official position is that the trip between Dania (just north of Ft. Lauderdale) to Bimini in a 21’ outboard is impossible. Oh, really? I’ve personally made that trip 3 times before the age of 16. Then Dr. Huh, a family friend and a great man, did some meteorological investigation. According to his findings, on the estimated day of departure, December 9, and the estimated time of departure, along with the speed of the Gulf Stream and other climatological evidence, he concluded that my dad would have made it half-way to Bimini before encountering a frontal system. The assumption was made that he tried to turn around to avoid the storm and was swamped by a wave (which is total crap – NO experienced boatman would have turned around in a storm – you have to keep the bow to the waves or you’ll be swamped.) We eventually had to have him declared legally dead – lost at sea - in order for my mom’s assets to be unfrozen so that we could continue to eat. To add insult to injury, my mom had to sell my dad’s gun collection while all this was going on so that we could survive – being taken advantage of in a crisis of that magnitude is… nauseating. Oh, and the IRS helped tremendously – they imposed full penalty for Mom cashing in their CD’s and IRA’s to catch up on bills – capital gains, early withdrawal penalties and all that… disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

There’s more – much more – but you get the gist of the story. As time passed, I would return to the camp and add another message to the note left so long ago – stuff life, “Dad, I miss you. Please come home.” “Dad, where are you? Please don’t leave us. Please come home.” You get the idea. Eventually, you cope as best you can, and you decide in your mind what happened. As his daughters, my sister and I believe he is still alive and fishing somewhere. It is my life’s goal to find out what happened. As his wife (and having been a wife, I hold a better appreciation for what she went through), my mom believes that he is dead. Better that than believing that he abandoned her and their children. We each coped in our own way, and life moved on. Kind of.

Fast-forward again to August 2006. Here I am, in Florida, fighting a love-hate relationship with the Atlantic Ocean. The first 3 times I went to the beach, I broke. Angry and sobbing, and still trying to love the Lord and keep my heart open to Him, I confronted my grief head on. Then something crazy happened. I went to the beach yesterday, and the place was absolutely teeming with life. Beaches are usually (sorry to be brutally honest) littered with dead things – shells that were once homes to creatures, dead fish, dead jellyfish, dead seaweed, etc. Not this time.

I wandered for a couple of miles, looking for shark’s teeth, and slowly began to look around. I was astounded to see life all around me. Birds of all kinds – sanderlings, willets, sea gulls, pelicans – a starfish, thousands of mollusk-like shellfish burrowing into the sand after every wave, sand fleas, minnows swimming back to sea after being washed up by the waves, dogs, horses, children playing, people smiling and laughing – life was everywhere.

Something shifted inside my heart. A place that has represented death, bitterness and loss to me for 16 years now teemed with Life.

released

i've been begging God for months for a vacation - or, more accurately stated, to be able to go away, to a quiet place, to be alone with Him. well, He's finally released me to go, and i have an odd sense of quiet expectation.

i have not been sleeping well lately, and stayed up late again tonight. when i finally had enough of tlc's medical mysteries, i went to bed and decided to read awhile. i'm re-reading "waking the dead" by john eldredge - some books need to be read time and time again, they are just so full of Truth and Jesus. listen to the part i read tonight:

Walking with God leads to receiving his intimate counsel, and counseling leads to deep restoration. As we learn to walk with God and hear his voice, he is able to bring up issues in our hearts that need speaking to. Some of those wounds were enough to break our hearts, create a rift in the soul, and so we need his healing as well. This is something Jesus walks us into - sometimes through the help of another person who can listen and pray with us, sometimes with God alone. As David said in Psalm 23, he leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore the soul. Our first choice is to go with him there - to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. You won't find healing in the midst of the Matrix. We need time in the presence of God. This often comes on the heels of God's raising some issue in our hearts or after we've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion. - pp 140-141

as much as i know this is a much-prayed-for affirmation that it's ok, nay, it's necessary, for me to go away, i also know that someone out there needs to read these words - which is why i'm writing at 1:45 in the morning. read them again, and let His love surround you and release you.

anyway

i find myself at a point in my life where absolutely nothing makes sense, and life as i knew it no longer exists. i've yet to decide if this is a good thing or not... however, if i truly believe that God is sovereign and good, then it follows that all the things that are happening to me are ultimately for my benefit and His glory.

as hurt keeps rolling my way, i'm trying to learn to embrace it, like Jesus did at lazarus' tomb. what did He do? He wept. He accepted the pain, allowed Himself to feel every nuance of it and lived fully in that moment. but here's the thing - He didn't stay in that moment. He embraced it, experienced it, and moved on.

well. i've got the weeping part down (much to my chagrin). the only saving grace here is that i don't just weep for me - i weep for my friends who are going through so much. at a time in my life where it would be SO much easier to harden my heart and run away, i choose to keep it open to Him and to stay put. don't get me wrong - that's a daily decision - sometimes an hourly one. here's the thing - before He brought me to the ring, before learning to walk daily with the Lord, i existed for so long with walls around my heart, and that's a not-good place to be. notice i existed, i survived - i was not living. st. ireaneus said that the glory of God is man fully alive. giving in and becoming hard and unavailable again is not the answer - it is not Life.

i've experienced the hurt. i'm trying to embrace it. i'm ready to move on. i want to live and love every moment of every day. mostly, i want to know Him. i want to experience Him full throttle. i want to rest in Him. i want to laugh with Him. i want to dance before Him. i want to weep with Him. i want to serve Him. i want to love Him with everything that i am. i want to love on my friends, to minister and to fight and to weep and to laugh and to counsel... i've been taken out, and i'm sorry for that. "not that i have obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on..."

josh said sunday that he desires that anyone who walks through the doors of the ring truly know and see the love of God through His people. funny that. that's EXACTLY what drew me to the ring. i stepped into the sanctuary and saw a room full of people that openly loved Jesus and one another, and i desperately wanted to be a part of that. the sick part - the defeated part - is that i still look into that place every sunday night and desire to belong.

so where is the disconnect? what happened? why do i still feel so separate from those who love the Lord and the ring as much as i do? i really don't know. honestly. i don't know what happened along the way that caused me to remain separate and distant from those i love so much. why is it so hard to become part of the Love and the Life that i saw, and still see, in that room, in that Body? what flaw exists within me that will not allow this to happen? Lord, whatever it is, please take it away.

i've reached a point where i'm tired of being flat on my back, getting up, and getting slapped back down again. i want to fight back. i want to stand firmly in the truth of who i am in Christ. and i want the oppression to stop. i want to belong. i want to serve my Lord. only He can cause these things to come about in my life.

i realize that this post is just about as out of whack as it can get - as is my life, so there you go.

i find myself in a place where i want to be able to say, clearly, firmly and unconditionally - i love You, no matter what my life looks like, no matter what You take away, no matter what You allow to come against me, no matter what - i love You anyway.

overtaken

i experienced a moment of transcendence sunday night during worship. to say that i was not present in that gym is a completely accurate statement. my spirit was a couple of hundred miles away, on the shore of fort morgan, just before dawn - just me and the stars and the waves. overtaken by the power of His presense, i knelt on that beach and sang to Him:

open up the skies of mercy
rain down your cleansing flood
healing water, rise around us
hear our cries, Lord, let 'em rise

it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentence
Your favor, Lord, is our desire
it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
Your love, Your love, is better than life

we can feel Your mercy falling
You are turning our hearts back again
hear our praises rise to heaven
draw us near, Lord
meet us here

it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentence
Your favor, Lord, is our desire
it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
Your love, Your love, is better than life

-lyrics by chris tomlin

and in my spirit, as i'm wont to do, i combined songs into a medley to Him...

rain down Your love on us
rain down Your love
rain down Your grace
o and cover me

ebb

interesting how many ways the phone call we received in the lab continues to affect me. in addition to opening the wound of my dad, or perhaps better stated, more so than the opening of the wound of my dad, my eyes have been turned inward and outward, all at the same time...

that's possibly the least grammatically correct sentence i've written in a while, but it makes sense to me.

in experiencing my grief all over again through this woman's situation, i've actually become more sensitive and cognizant of the hurting around me, instead of just being consumed with my circumstance. i find that as i look around, i see with sharp clarity into the eyes of my friends, and what i see there astounds me.

i see hurt. i see suffering. i see fear. i see a desperateness that i've not seen before. when did all this happen?

i see God all over this. don't get me wrong - there have been some great victories lately, and He gets ALL the glory for them. there are just so many suffering - the strong ones, the dependable ones, the upbeat ones - the ones that have been holding me up are in need of being held up in return.

that's one of my favorite things about the Body of Christ. no one person bears the responsibility for praying, or fighting, or encouraging, or loving, or counseling, or whatever. we pour into each other - we hold each other up - the Body shifts in unending motion, as the ebb and flow of the tide.

a little grace...

jake has a great post today that goes a long way toward saying what i could not in "account" - with much more grace and love than i was able to muster...

ag

account

today was another wonderful day. i spent a total of 15 minutes at work before i got up and walked out... without saying a word to anyone. they're probably wondering what the hell's wrong with me.

well, i would be the first to admit that there is A LOT wrong with me, but the Lord is working on that. part of that process is allowing old wounds to be ripped open. yesterday, it was my dad. today, it was my embryo.

i suppose that i should catch you up on both. i lost my dad at sea in 1990. that's a story for later. after my divorce, i donated my embryo to an infertile couple. it was a blind donation, and again, a story for another time.

the words that need to be written tonight are simply this: a bad day (or a bad season) with the Lord is far better than any day without Him.

so, what prompted the walk out? stupidity. insensitivity. people talking about something that they know absolutely nothing about. in other words - npr. they had a debate today about embryonic stem cell research, and were joking about "snowflake" babies - babies born from donated embryos.

i will not get on a political or moral soapbox - at least not tonight... i will say that it's scary enough when i think about standing before my Lord one day to give an account for my life, my decisions, my words, and my actions... and i don't come close to the reach and influence they have.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 37For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. - Matthew 12:34-37

9For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. 10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. 11It is written: " 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.' "[a] 12So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. - Romans 14:9-12

12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. - Hebrews 4:12-13

break

it's not in me to tell the whole story tonight, but i have to get some of the thoughts out of my head so that i can cry, so that i can pray, and so that i can sleep.

a woman called the lab today. she is from greece. her father is lost at sea in the indian ocean.

she is desperate, and cannot find anyone to help her. he's been missing for 2 1/2 months.

i know that level of desperation. i know her panic as time slips away and the chances for survival go away. i know the frustration and anger and sheer insanity that she is facing. i've been there, and my heart is breaking for her.

but this post is not about me. it's a plea. a request for prayer for a woman who's name i don't even know. a request for mercy from a God that i cease to comprehend.

Father, please, have mercy.

wrath

josh has been speaking on love for the past few weeks; initially on how we express our love to Him, even as He loves us. this past sunday, he began speaking about loving our neighbors - about how our love for Him should overflow into the lives around us - that there should not be a stopping point for those we are willing to love.

here's my question - what about the ones that don't, won't or can't receive love from us? what do we **realistically** do about loving them?

i ask this because i have become the object of my neighbor's wrath - literally. she thinks i'm the devil incarnate. she believes that i am brain-washing, poisoning and abusing my mom. psychologically, i realize that she is deeply depressed, deeply grieving and striking out at the world around her... and has made overt attempts at ugliness and pity, depending on her mood that day (or that hour...) it's created a horribly awkward living condition for my mom and me, and for her, as well, i'm sure.

i really don't feel like going into the whole story, and i'm not sure the details are the point. suffice it to say that we have had a verbal altercation that was brutally ugly and hurtful, and she continues to ambush my mom when i'm gone, telling her how much i suck. imagine the position that puts my mother in... it infuriates me. the sunday school answer is to love her anyway. ok, what does that look like? responding to ridiculous 'for sale' signs hung on her door? reacting to her continuous bombardment of my mom? no, i don't think so. as a matter of fact, i think the most loving thing we can do is NOT react to her antics.

here's the hardest part of all - she hates me because i'm a christian... and she claims the name of Christ. infighting is horrible and hurtful and damn it, damaging to Christ's reputation - the Bride should not be fighting amongst Herself. apparently her church let her down - did not perform to her expectations - when her husband died, and she has become a bitter, angry, abusive, controlling, desperately unhappy child of God. (let that be a warning, huh?)

so, what to do? once i allowed the Holy Spirit to talk me out of kicking her door in, i've been in "pray and wait" mode. this has been going on for 8 or 9 weeks now. katie says we need to show her tangible love. i disagree. knowing her mental state, (and you have to trust me here - she is too far gone for me to help her) i know that she desperately needs non-reaction (non-affirmation of her behavior) and professional counselling - and a whole lot of Jesus. but, do i bear some responsibility here? how do i show her Christ's love when all she does is sneer and spit?

i don't have any answers, but i do know that the God of the Universe is pursuing his child, and for whatever reason, He has me here... according to her, to make her life a living hell. she's done a good job of doing that to herself - i just happen to be the current object of her wrath. if it weren't me, it would be someone else. don't get me wrong - i am not afraid of confrontation - i would go talk to her IF i knew that He sent me, and had gone before me to prepare her heart to receive me.

one of the questions josh asked the other night pertained to the golden rule. how would i want someone to treat me (or love me) in this situation? i'm pretty sure that i would not want to be left here to rot in my self-pity and bitter rage...

in a MUCH scaled-down version of her situation, i have, over the past several months, been in a slow downward spiral of faith and trust, with the resulting improper expectations, tantrums, bitterness, hurt and the proverbial giving God the finger. heeding her situation as a serious warning, i'm drawn to seek Him out on this. more personal, i guess... a couple of months ago, in talking with my leadership, the common question they kept asking me was, "what do you need from us?" i could not give them an answer. a little farther along in the process, i know that i need (present tense) "praying down the Kingdom of Heaven, kicking some serious demon butt, hands-on" prayer. i know that my community has been praying for me, but i'm beginning to realize that it's the tangible, touchable acts of love that really speak to my heart.

in thinking about what my neighbor needs from me... what if she needs the same thing? oh, how my heart hesitates over that thought. trying to view her as my leadership viewed me, and trying to draw parallels, i see that they reached out to me to a certain extent, and then left it to me. who knows if that was that right or wrong approach? in His hands, all He cares about is that there was an approach at all... so, trying to apply this to my neighbor - how do i even begin to reach out? do i wait her out?

as hesitant as my heart is over the prospect of taking the initiative to love her tangibly, i have visions of her completely freed from her grief and rage, full of the joy of the Lord and radiant. only He can do that - in both of us. how He is going to cause that to come about, and what my role in her life is supposed to look like, only He knows at the moment. of this i am sure - He wants both of us completely free, so that we can love Him completely.

Lord, show us the way to You.

say what?

the thought has occured to me quite frequently over the past few months that we, as a community, have become quite lax when it comes to privacy.

gossip thinnly disquised as prayer requests, or checking up on someone is - you guessed it - still gossip.

if you want to know something about someone, ask them, not me or anyone else. it let's them know you're thinking about them, it makes you check your motives, it initiates conversation and fellowship - go on, give it a try.

and by all means, if there's something you want to know about me, ask ME. not my roommate, not my friends, not my family - ME. that rumor about me being unapproachable and edgy? totally without merit. i'd love to hear from you, and i'll either answer your question or tell you why i won't - either way, you'll have maintained your integrity and shown love, all at the same time.

forget

i'll tell you, if i can, how all of the questions posed in the last post can be answered - how all of these circumstances can possibly glorify the LORD.

i have to be honest. in the weeks that i have been trying to write this post, i've found that i'm not going to be able to tell you HOW He is going to be glorified by my life. i just know that He will. does that make sense? i have not seen the full glory that He intends for many of these things - but i know that i will - and if i don't, my descendents will. sometimes, things happen that won't be fully understood in our lifetimes. the only way my heart can make sense of it is to fully embrace the truth that He never wastes a hurt, and that He always turns things for His good.

t made a statement a few weeks ago, that i'm not convinced was planned - it seemed more an afterthought, but it's stuck with me, resonating in my mind day after day. he said that "waits" are "opportunities to forget." that's it - exactly. i may never know how He chooses to glorify Himself, but i know - i cannot forget - that He has delivered, provided, forgiven, fought... prevailed WITHOUT FAIL. i don't believe that He's going to stop anytime soon...

reaux talked about taking thoughts captive, and that not doing so is an act of disobedience. that's a new thought for me. i'm hitting on thoughts because they are so much a part of defeat. too many lies, too much pride, too much flesh, too much me in there. if i would just stop, and KNOW, well, now, that would be an entirely different story, now wouldn't it?

jake talked about fear and anxiety crippling us - dividing our thoughts and our minds - our hearts - from the only One deserving of so much mental energy. i mean, really. i initially thought that i was going to try to answer each question posed in "don't", but that's really beside the point, isn't it? our faith is in the unseen, the yet to happen, the promises. yes, i need to heal, i need to trust, and i need to obey. i need to take the hint from josh's message on the israelites...

don't forget

the song below has been circling in my heart for weeks now. it's only by your prayers and His grace that i'm able to run to Him. thank you, deeply, for being on this journey with me.

When I cannot feel,
when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life
so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while,
if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me
though I'm wounded,
though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
When I know I’ve sinned
when I should have been
Crying out my God
and hidden in you
Lord I need you now,
more than I know how
So I humbly bow,
hidden in you
If I could just sit with You a while,
if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me
though I'm wounded,
though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by

- lyrics taken from the MercyMe website

stunned

this post is out of order, but due to the sheer enormity of what has happened in the last 24 hours, i really just don't care... the next post will be titled "forget" and is a continuation of "don't". in the meantime...

i had forgotten what it feels like to have the Lord just open His arms and love me. i have never seen Him so intimately gracious and lavish with His love, provision and grace. my heart is joyous to the point of pain at being so near to Him... i can almost feel His breath on my face. He is so stinking amazing.

have you ever had dreams that you have not even admitted to being dreams come true? have you ever had prayers answered that you didn't know you prayed?

in the space of 24 hours, He has provided a way for deep healing to occur, AND has shown me His purpose for my life, AND opened my eyes to my true community that has been there all along, loving me despite me. please, let me explain...

i have been approached by a friend who desires to walk with me through the deep recesses of the wounds i've sustained in my life, to see them re-opened and exposed to the Light of Christ, to allow for true healing to occur in order that my life experience will finally be of some use to the Body. it's an amazing opportunity, and one that i would never have asked for. frankly, i'm astounded that someone would willingly traverse those waters with me... "in brokenness comes beauty and divine fragility..."

i walked onto the campus of lsu today not having a clue what He purposed for my life, for His Kingdom and His people. i left campus with an opportunity to study under a world-renowned expert in a world-renowned lab, major professors identified, thesis committee formed and thesis topic clearly defined and funding in place... all without officially declaring a degree program or even taking the GRE yet... that does not happen. we have a fundamental belief at the ring - God always blesses His ideas. does He ever... in all 33 years of my life, i've never known what i want to be when i grow up - never known my purpose, no true sense of calling on my life. now, it's so clear what He wants. a few months ago, a friend of mine likened this difficult season in my life to the time Jesus spent in the desert - at the end of His time in the desert, Jesus began His earthly ministry...

tonight, i joined a group of friends for a time of work and fellowship at one of the couples' house. as i spoke to the girls while the guys were outside laying sod about what the Lord is doing in my life, and as i spoke to the guys individually about it, He spoke to me - "see, you have the community you so desperately desire. they've been here all along. you've chosen not to be a part of the community I set in place for you. don't you see that these people love you? don't you see that you belong? don't you see that they are allies of the heart?" yes, yes, YES!

i have chills. i hope you do, too. and the coolest part of it all? just being with Him. yes, He showed up, BIG TIME. yes, He FINALLY revealed to me what He wants from my life - how i am to serve Him and His people with all He made me to be. He finally opened my eyes to the community that surrounds me. He finally placed someone in my life that desires to delve deeply into my past to allow Him to heal me... but even more than all of these great and wonderful things He's set into place - He's shown me what it means to truly seek His face more than i seek His hand.

He is so near... so near that it's hard to breathe. that alone is worth EVERYTHING. i feel like the guy who got to hold Jesus as a baby, and knew that his life was complete because of it.

don't

tell me, if you can, how sexual abuse glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how a father's disappearance, leaving his wife and children abandoned, glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how a wife suffering at the hands of her husband glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how infertility glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how adultery and humiliation glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how separation and divorce glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how losing a home glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how utter despair glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how bankruptcy and identity theft glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how struggling to fit and being rejected glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how getting laid off glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how possible financial ruin - again - glorifies the LORD?

tell me, if you can, how anything in my life glorifies the LORD?

i've seen enough trial and struggle to last 10 lifetimes. don't talk to me about trials, storms and struggles. i've seen Him be faithful to bring me out of some of these situations. some, He's seen fit to leave me in. a friend of mine recently wrote me an email saying that the entire Body of the ring is suffering and that she is blown away by His sovereignty. His sovereignty??? another friend of mine recently told me that He has shown her that He is bringing me to a place where i will be settled, and that everything going on in my life is ultimately going to glorify Him. really... i wonder why He has not seen fit to show me the same thing? oh, that's right... His sovereignty. His choice. His plan. His story.

we're taught to embrace struggles, to thank Him for trusting us with trials - that storms are allowed by Him to come against us. this is biblical, to be sure. however, the idea that we are supposed to lie down and take this crap does not ring true to me. it is, in fact, a very dangerous thing to do. fine, you want to talk about embracing a fight - then embrace it the way william wallace did - head on with a full frontal assault. we're taught that our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against evil - to be wary and alert - that our enemy prowls around day and night seeking those whom he can devour. we're also taught that there is a time and a season for everything - and everything in me is screaming FIGHT.

we're given the POWER of the Blood of Christ for a reason. we're given the armor of God for a reason. personally, i'm tired of being in this place. i'm tired of seeing the Body suffer. when are we going to stand up and fight - not individually, but as a united Body - of one heart and one mind? we've been given EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness - for His sake and ours - let's use it - let's get out of this place and let's get on with this story.

discipleship

last sunday, josh spoke about community groups and why they are structured the way that they are: all age groups and walks of life combined into one community, with the older members mentoring and discipling the younger. that's a biblical example, to be sure. the question that keeps running through my mind is this: who is discipling the older ones?

listen to what john eldredge has to say about discipleship:

If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life the best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately.

"You have made known to me the path of life," David said (Ps. 16:11). Yes - that's it. In all the ins and outs of this thing we call living, there is one narrow path to life, and we need help finding it.

What is Discipleship?

On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be "faithful" in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry "load."

You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this - does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.

We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss this most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who where doing all the "right" things: "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you'" (Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That's the point.

You might recall the old proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help hom solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn't master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work - is it time to make a move? Things are hard at home - is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can't seem to shake this depression - is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you - and how should you respond?

Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all - aren't we "followers of Christ"? Then by all means, let's actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.

---- john eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 95-96

please do not read this as an indictment against the ring. far from it. it's more a heart quest to understand how this all fits together. what are correct and biblical expectations for me to carry into a community group? who is discipling the older ones? how are the older ones supposed to disciple the younger if they aren't being discipled? it's a struggle in my mind, and one that the passage quoted above begins to address. i need to look to Him. got it. who is going to show me how to do that? who is going to show me the deeper things that await me in this walk with Jesus? am i to take from this passage that i am to walk alone with Him? no, i don't think so. i need to learn how to walk with Him as much as the next (read "younger") person.

as Jesus said, narrow is the path, and i really need help finding it. i need help staying on it. i need someone to pull me forward as i reach back to pull someone else along. our core beliefs sound great on paper. how do they play out in real life? what does that really look like? that's the great and frustrating part of being such a baby church. we get to participate in the hard part - where the vision He gave the elders 8 years ago comes to fruition and we get to figure it out as we go. Jesus, lead on. we will follow.

brush strokes

coming to the realization that i need to get a grip is not the same thing as actually getting a grip.

as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."

the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.

thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.

funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.

i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.

my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.

humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

-Psalm 86:11-12

one more time

as my grief process runs it's course, it's time to decide what to do with the rest of my life. what's the next step? find a new job? go back to school at 33? take a break and decide later? get married and be done with it all?

all are options, but only one rings true and brings me peace. guess who just applied to the graduate school at lsu? that would be yours truly. i don't have a clue what i'll be studying yet, but it's a step in the right direction and i'm more excited than i care to admit.

funny how i didn't feel out of place on campus yesterday. funny how i've been surrounded by 20-somethings for 3 years now and it's just a part of my life that i know is from Him. this is just one more way He is proving that He sees the big picture and i don't - one more way He has been equipping me for this next season.

what's ironically funny to me is that all the students i know hate projects and exams. the reality is that the difference between work and school is that you get paid for one and you pay for the other. you still have projects, tests, timelines and stress. going in the opposite direction from everyone else - as is typical for me - from work to school - brings a sense of excitement and anticipation... now, if i can just figure out what He wants me to study, i'll be doing good.

yeah, i know. His timing, right?

another cool aspect to this new turn of events is that i get to experience school as me - not as a wife - and believe me, there is a huge difference. i get to go to games (in the student section, no less!), i get to stay at school to study and work on projects, i get to take off-campus classes out in the field, i get to participate in any extra-curricular activity that my schedule will allow - i get to be a student on His terms, not my ex's. how awesome is that???

i've been given yet another opportunity to make a difference with my life - for Him and His glory. i've got a month until classes start and i cannot wait... remind me of that when i start complaining about projects and timelines...

enough, already

so i need to get a grip. apparently this is a daily thing that must happen in my life.

katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.

it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.

interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...

well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...

i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?

before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.

last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...

here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.

i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.

here

continuing from the last post - "here" is a relative term, i've discovered.

i came across an email written by me in august 2005 - almost a year ago - and it could have been written today. it describes, to the t, exactly where i find myself today. when i said i don't belong here, i meant at the ring. i also meant baton rouge. reading that email, i've realized that "here" is a spiritual place, not a church or a city.

that's huge. as in epiphany huge. as in God showed up in a hurry on this one. wow.

i'm not saying that all is well in my world. i am saying that He is stepping in at a critical moment, and i am so thankful i'm afraid to breathe.

o praise You, Jesus.

severed

i did a lot of thinking while i was away. one consistent theme is that HE has seen fit to sever most of my ties here in baton rouge. no job, no home, lots of suffering friendships and unexpected changes of heart.

i don't belong here anymore. i don't know why or even when that happened, i just know it to be true.

in thinking through that, it occured to me that my life can be viewed in 3-year cycles, going back at least 21 years that i can really remember. i am approaching the end of this current 3-year cycle since i've been involved in the ring. i thought that i had finally found my home - my place in the world and in the Body of Christ.

apparently not. there is too much hurt here. i can no longer believe that my being here is of HIM.

this is not a woe-is-me post. this is an honest assessment of what i believe HE is doing in my life. i think HE is preparing me for the next season... whatever that means - and where-ever that is. my constant prayer is that i stay in tune with HIS voice and am able to clearly distinguish it from the rest of the voices in my head.

josh jokingly called me a nomad a few weeks back. i'm sure he didn't have a clue how close he came to nailing it.

change of name

it occured to me that HIS light is not shining brightly through me - more like a smoldering glow. it also occured to me that, unintentionally, the previous title was more than a little arrogant.

so... welcome to snippets of my life. they will never tell the whole story, but hopefully, they will always point back to HIM.

found

it's been a month to the day since my last post. to put it mildly - it's been a rough time.

there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.

this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.

i mentioned that i have been battling the Lord for quite a while now. i've been very angry with Him. i've been pouting. i've been very defiant and completely devoid of grace. all this a culmination of circumstances beginning in january with the death of my cousin, and ending with being laid off, unable to take the break i need (as i define need) and living with my mother at 33 years of age. yes - it's an honest statement to say that i am pissed off at the Lord. it's ok, kids - He can handle my anger - i've been much angrier than this with Him, i assure you.

in the midst of this anger, He remains steady and unpredictable. typical.

i met with Him the other night, very unexpectdly and very intimately. here's the part where if you have any religious or legalistic tendencies in your faith, you may want to stop reading.

i want to introduce you to my Jesus - the all-encompassing, all-consuming, ever-present, ever-loving Jesus. He showed up rather unexpectedly the other night. although He was invited, i've stopped expecting Him to show up - faithless, i know, but an accurate statement. He showed up in a way that i did not expect Him to. nor did i expect Him to do what He did.

in the interest of privacy, i'll limit the description to the work He did in my heart. in a time where i've defined what i need from Him, He shows up and ministers in a completely unexpected way - a way that i have not recently asked Him, nor expected Him, to show up. i need Him to show up in many ways, but not in this way, in this time. He showed up to heal some very, very old wounds. intimate wounds that i left on the back burner, expecting Him to heal them at a much later, more "appropriate" time in my life for these specific wounds. i'm talking about deeply intimate wounds - wounds that began when i was 12 and have been twisted and scarred and re-opened and never healed. yes, we're talking about s-e-x.

gasp. "wait!" you cry. "s-e-x outside of marriage is a sin. Jesus would not show up in the midst of sin. you must be completely inundated with lies from the enemy. ann, you have lost your mind. we're calling an intervention."

but no. i have not lost my mind - i have found Jesus again. He came to me in the midst of an opportunity to sin, and used the intimacy of that situation to minister very tenderly to His battle-weary, scarred and wounded child. He has begun to heal my heart (and according to what He showed katie, He's begun to heal my body, too - but that 's a different story for a different time).

interestingly, He's chosen a man to carry out His healing work in my heart - a man who is leaving this place within a year. He's healing wounds, and asking me to trust Him to chose the method, knowing the hurt will run deeply when he leaves. He's asking me to trust Him with that hurt, too, when it comes.

i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.