i want to tell you a story - a story of God's faithfulness and intimate counsel, of His personal tending to my heart.
i fell in love today.
i fell in love all over again with the Story, the Battle, the Adventure, and the Warrior God who is so recklessly passionate and unashamedly lavish with His love.
as evidenced by the past several posts, i have been in need of a reminder of Who my life is about... and i needed to be reminded that i am on this journey intentionally - deliberately. there are characters in this story, most of whom i have not even met... so typical of the Lord to use "random" strangers in my life to bring me back to Him. this cast includes mike and deb, and brian and deann... and me and the Lord.
the story goes like this... enter mike, whom i met at the retreat. he has kept up with me faithfully, spurring me on toward Jesus. one day while he is rebuilding his wife's blog folder, mike is prompted to introduce me to brian, a friend and ally. through this seemingly random introduction, the Lord arranged a very personal encounter with Himself, using the words and heart of this stranger... and the gentle reminder that i so desperately needed wrapped around my heart. the Lord accomplished this through a fellow sojourner, a fellow warrior, a true follower of the Way. in his own words, a disciple of Jesus...
my heart has settled once again. my vision is less cloudy, my fear and uncertainty fading away. yes, the road is long and the battle fierce, but they are worth every heartbeat and tear shed along the way...
Jesus is beckoning. i dare not tell Him no. to do so would be to deny my heart, and thus deny Life in all the fullness He intends. to not take my place in the Story is unimaginable.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. - 1 corinthians 15:58
11.28.2006
11.26.2006
beautiful
note to self - my life is not about me. if i EVER get that to sink in... sheesh.
the reason i was in a funk all weekend was made apparent as soon as josh told us at 5:45 prayer what he was going to be speaking about tonight. he does this to help guide our prayers as we prepare the room for His presence and His kids. it was like a lightbulb going off - instant knowledge that made me want to slap my forehead and say, "DUH!" my funk was less about me and more about what josh spoke about tonight. sin and temptation, that we are at war, that we are to fight for one another, and to allow Him to fight for us.
i am spiritually off the charts right now, though sadly enough, i forget that on a pretty regular basis. i need to write on my mirror, "IS THIS ABOUT YOU?" more often than not, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with those i intercede for. even possessing this knowledge, i tend to turn the lens inward and apply what i battle to my own circumstances, instead of 1) trusting Him with my situation, and 2) asking Him to show me what a particular funk is about.
tonight was fantastic. yes, i realize that it's no surprise to you that i am pumped anytime i learn more about prayer, about the battle, about how to pray for one another... but i am even more pumped that our Body learned more about these things. as an intercessor, i'm wired differently. i go to battle on a regular basis. i see demons, i have visions - "freaky" stuff that is scary to most people. to have this Body more equipped to fight for one another is... beautiful. to see hearts ready and willing to fight for one another is even more beautiful. as i stood in the back of the room, praying with and for this Body, the Lord solidified in my heart the reality of my role at the ring. (yes, i knew it all along, but to have Him hammer me over the head and straight into my heart is quite different...) i was shaking and crying - overcome with love for Him, for this Body, for this church - our church - HIS church... which brings up huge questions about seattle, but i am taking those thoughts captive this night. that's for another day.
another thing that was so very cool about tonight was that there was the "old-school ring" feel to it. there was a joy, a freedom in worship, a tight unity within the Body that we have been praying for since the beginning. don't get me wrong - we still have these elements every sunday night - but tonight was different somehow. tonight was about us living out acts 2:42 as a unified Body. as a new church, with new people coming in the doors, it can't be helped that there is some loss of identity for a time... it seemed to me, at least, that this Body is unified once more. we have our identity back - changed, but intact. the newer members of our community experienced the heart of the ring - the heart that i fell in love with over 3 years ago. our heartbeat is for Him, and everything about tonight screamed that Truth. it was fantastic - HE is fantastic.
the weekend before we launched as a "real" church, we came together corporately to pray the ring community church into existence. although there is much more detail in day 2 - pivotal, what screams at me are these words:
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
the reason i was in a funk all weekend was made apparent as soon as josh told us at 5:45 prayer what he was going to be speaking about tonight. he does this to help guide our prayers as we prepare the room for His presence and His kids. it was like a lightbulb going off - instant knowledge that made me want to slap my forehead and say, "DUH!" my funk was less about me and more about what josh spoke about tonight. sin and temptation, that we are at war, that we are to fight for one another, and to allow Him to fight for us.
i am spiritually off the charts right now, though sadly enough, i forget that on a pretty regular basis. i need to write on my mirror, "IS THIS ABOUT YOU?" more often than not, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with those i intercede for. even possessing this knowledge, i tend to turn the lens inward and apply what i battle to my own circumstances, instead of 1) trusting Him with my situation, and 2) asking Him to show me what a particular funk is about.
tonight was fantastic. yes, i realize that it's no surprise to you that i am pumped anytime i learn more about prayer, about the battle, about how to pray for one another... but i am even more pumped that our Body learned more about these things. as an intercessor, i'm wired differently. i go to battle on a regular basis. i see demons, i have visions - "freaky" stuff that is scary to most people. to have this Body more equipped to fight for one another is... beautiful. to see hearts ready and willing to fight for one another is even more beautiful. as i stood in the back of the room, praying with and for this Body, the Lord solidified in my heart the reality of my role at the ring. (yes, i knew it all along, but to have Him hammer me over the head and straight into my heart is quite different...) i was shaking and crying - overcome with love for Him, for this Body, for this church - our church - HIS church... which brings up huge questions about seattle, but i am taking those thoughts captive this night. that's for another day.
another thing that was so very cool about tonight was that there was the "old-school ring" feel to it. there was a joy, a freedom in worship, a tight unity within the Body that we have been praying for since the beginning. don't get me wrong - we still have these elements every sunday night - but tonight was different somehow. tonight was about us living out acts 2:42 as a unified Body. as a new church, with new people coming in the doors, it can't be helped that there is some loss of identity for a time... it seemed to me, at least, that this Body is unified once more. we have our identity back - changed, but intact. the newer members of our community experienced the heart of the ring - the heart that i fell in love with over 3 years ago. our heartbeat is for Him, and everything about tonight screamed that Truth. it was fantastic - HE is fantastic.
the weekend before we launched as a "real" church, we came together corporately to pray the ring community church into existence. although there is much more detail in day 2 - pivotal, what screams at me are these words:
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
burden
i probably shouldn't be writing today, but i need an outlet, and this is my blog, my place in the world where it is safe to bare my heart before my Lord.
i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.
in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.
i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.
i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.
there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.
and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.
i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.
in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.
i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.
i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.
there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.
and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.
11.22.2006
relief
ok, so i thought we all could use some comic relief... this is freakin' hysterical!
i found this post on the mhgs student blogs... last night, i was pensive. tonight, i think i woke up the household, laughing so hard. i love how He calms me when i'm heading for a freak-out... especially because He chose to use someone who i may actually meet and be friends with in less than a year. so i'm too serious, huh? i don't stand a chance if i'm around angela for any length of time...
i found this post on the mhgs student blogs... last night, i was pensive. tonight, i think i woke up the household, laughing so hard. i love how He calms me when i'm heading for a freak-out... especially because He chose to use someone who i may actually meet and be friends with in less than a year. so i'm too serious, huh? i don't stand a chance if i'm around angela for any length of time...
11.21.2006
bow
in ephesians 3:14, the original greek word for "kneel" is more correctly transliterated "i bow in my need for you". i love the beauty and simplicity - the humility - of that declaration. it reminds me of the scene in braveheart at murron's funeral, where wallace is on his knees before her father, in total surrender and submission.
in him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. i ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory. for this reason, i bow in my need before the Father... -- ephesians 3:12-14 (italics mine)
as i was walking along, talking to God, i crossed a small bridge, and came upon this bent aspen. (i began this story in much) i was struck by it's beauty, but did not begin to understand the full significance of what He was showing me until i was home, and visiting a friend. i was showing her the pictures from the retreat, and when we came across this one, she immediately commented that it is a beautiful example of all of creation bowing before God, undone by His majesty and splendor.
my world is changing.
fall always makes me restless and edgy. so much more so this year as this season of preparation and waiting comes to an end.
i am pensive tonight. i am beginning to get a glimpse of the Light and the darkness that await me in seattle... and i'm not sure how i feel. i recently wrote a friend that i need my heart to be steady and true as i step into this new season.
i'm beginning to understand that's not possible. i'm beginning to understand that much more brokenness is coming. this coming season is about becoming raw and ripped open - exposed.
i'm beginning to understand that i've just scratched the surface of healing, of intimacy with God, of knowing Him and being known.
i'm beginning to understand that life as i know it does not exist anymore. i'm somewhere in-between.
i'm beginning to understand that when i leave this place, i will not return the same - nor will you be the same if i see you again.
i'm beginning to understand why He has me in such a posture of humility.
i am beginning to understand.
11.07.2006
exactly
we were asked to observe covenants of silence intermittently throughout the retreat. this was a new concept for me - an intentional, volitional, unspoken agreement not to speak a word to anyone - at all. we were encouraged to seek Him however we saw fit - through prayer, meditation on His Word, sitting in His presence, walking through the mountains, worship - however we felt Him calling to us. well, now that i think about it, we celebrated the Lord's Supper at the ring a few years ago in complete silence - that was seriously intense and by far the most spiritual communion experience i have ever had... but i digress.
those times of silence were so powerful that i sit here tonight and wonder why i have not brought that intentional silence into life post-retreat. most of the time, i was actually able to shut up and listen to Him, for a change. He has much to say when i'll take the time to listen, i've discovered. we were encouraged before each time of silence to press into Him... another new concept for me. what they meant, or at least how i interpreted it, was not to just take initial silence as "I am not talking to you right now" but rather to stand your ground... to refuse to take no for an answer (unless He really meant it, and believe me, you know the difference). pressing in means to draw even closer to Him, to wait just there, heart open and thirsty for Him.
i think He really likes that. i think He enjoys us not giving up so easily. i think that He actually gets a kick out of us intentionally seeking Him, and refusing to give up... not in an arrogant way, but in a loving, longing, "i'm here and not going anywhere" kind of way. those times really made me aware of how easily i give up when i really need to hear from Him.
i think about all the times, throughout time, that He's been rejected, ignored, abused, defied, denounced... and it breaks my heart to realize how His heart must break again and again and again. i mean, really. billions of people everyday - His creation that He longs to be reconciled to, and even the ones that are - we all in some way refuse Him. it may be time, obedience, honor, our hearts, our true devotion, our true submission to His lordship, trust... it goes on and on, and it positively floors me to think about even just what the Word records about His continual effort to win back our hearts.
what an amazing thought. what a humbling thought. yeah, big sigh as i write these words...
i started this post, thinking that i was writing about silence, and what a powerful way it is to enter into His presence. then it turned to pressing into Him, and how He must really get a kick out of that. and now, i sit here, camped on this thought of His heart breaking every single day, and i can't hardly stand to type another word... and then He reminds me of the beauty of it all - the romance, the adventure, the sacrifice, the battles... the intimacy of it all - and i am floored again.
someone posed a very valid question the other day - why do i even bother with this blog? this is why. this is EXACTLY why. my love for Him, and His for us. He brings me back to Him through these words, this thought process, this intentional focus on Him. we've begun a series on prayer at the ring, and in my mind, prayer - as simple and as complicated as it seems to be - is heart to heart communication between the Lord and His kids... yes. exactly.
seek
i heard this song for the first time at community group. scott leads us in worship before we dive into each other's lives and into the material. it absolutely grabs my heart - one of these days i'm going to figure out how to actually put songs out here so you can hear and experience them with me - without me actually singing them to you - that would be bad - very bad...
this has been one of those crazy days that just seems fraught with strife - this song soothes my very unsettled soul.
the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lean back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming
-- written (i think) by nicole c mullen for christ for the nations (http://www.cfnmusic.com/glorious.php)
this has been one of those crazy days that just seems fraught with strife - this song soothes my very unsettled soul.
the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lean back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming
-- written (i think) by nicole c mullen for christ for the nations (http://www.cfnmusic.com/glorious.php)
11.05.2006
weight - revisited
[the quote at the bottom, originally attributed to nelson mandela, is actually used in his inaugural speech, but was written by marianne williamson in "a return to love: reflections on the principles of a course in miracles" - thanks, taylor, for allowing me to give proper credit!]
it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...
i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.
yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.
you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.
do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.
do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.
do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.
i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.
helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
--Nelson Mandella
I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!
it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...
i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.
yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.
you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.
do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.
do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.
do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.
i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.
helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
--Nelson Mandella
I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!
11.04.2006
weight
one of the last words spoken over me before i left the retreat was that i would gain weight - spiritual weight - that i would gain power as an intercessor as i continue to seek to live my life with my Lord. that's a comforting thought to return to at a time when i feel invisible - a gift, as it turns out, from our very wise God that knew that this time was coming.
i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.
i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?
i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.
why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.
i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.
i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."
no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.
i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.
this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.
i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.
i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?
i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.
why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.
i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.
i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."
no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.
i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.
this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.
10.29.2006
much
this post has been a long time coming. the Lord has just released me to write it, and quite honestly, it's difficult to make myself write this one - weird, huh? - which to me means that i am supposed to write it. i've alluded to it in yes and acquiesce, but it wasn't time to write this one yet. so, here goes. Lord, please give me the words.
the last day of the captivating retreat, i went for a walk between sessions. i had been in colorado for 4 days and had not once gone off by myself, not once gone off to be in the wilderness, not once gone off to be out in the woods, alone with the Lord. yeah, i know... the next time i will be much more deliberate about actually getting alone with Him, surrounded and enveloped by the splendor of the rockies.
as i was walking, i was stopping here and there, taking pictures - something else i had not found much time for. i was drinking in the beauty around me, relishing in His wildness and majesty... i love that He is that way. He was in quite a mood - vastly attentive, pleased that i had sought Him out, and, quite frankly, He showing off. i was on a deliberate ramble, if that makes sense. i was letting Him guide my steps, letting Him show me what He wanted me to see. as we walked, i would think something, and He would cause it to happen... let me give you a couple of examples.
the snow had lingered, and i wanted to take some close-up shots. i prefer them to landscape shots, because there is no way to really capture the vastness of the mountains on camera - at least, not with my camera. so i was just wandering, and i told Him that while everything around me was beautiful, He had not shown me anything really spectacular to take a picture of. i immediately came upon red maple leaves, partially covered in snow. then i wanted an aspen changing colors - and voilà! then i could here the sound of running water, and i wanted to see it, so He led me there, too. it was just really great fellowship with the Lord - the kind we long for and for some reason or another, rarely experience. He was all about being the Lord of Creation, my Sovereign, the Lover of my Soul - He was just eating it up. i know it sounds weird to tell you how the Lord was feeling, but i just knew He was enjoying Himself, just showing off, spending time with me. He invited me to walk with Him, and He stayed with me every step of the way, showing me things as soon as i asked for them, and telling me answers to questions that i had just barely gotten off the tip of my tongue, figuratively speaking.
it was time to head back for the closing session, and as i was walking along, i mentioned to Him that He had not shown me any wildlife... and a chipmunk immediately ran out in front of me. i laughed, and He said, "see, you are not asking Me for much. I am so much bigger, so much more capable than you are asking Me to be in your life." as i was chewing on that admonishment, i followed the chipmunk to a bush, where it sat and posed for me as i took it's picture - twice. i was no more than 2 feet from this creature, and it just sat on it's branch, looking at me, letting me get as close as i could without actually climbing into the bush with it. i knew what Jesus said was true... i had not asked Him for the deep desires of my heart - a calling, a heart fully alive, a purpose, a role, to be significant for the Kingdom, to be a powerful intercessor, to be part of an intimate alliance with a man that i can love fully, and that can fully love me...
the one problem in my life that He would not let me ask Him about before that walk was regarding work and school. that weekend was about healing, about learning how to draw close to Him, about knowing Him intimately. so He finally allowed me to ask, and He answered with a question - "do you trust Me?" my response? "yes..." "no, do you REALLY trust Me?" again, "yes, Lord, i trust You."
i was approaching the back of the conference center, and had quite a steep hill to climb. i chose to climb a natural ravine created by runoff - muddy, but it offered more solid footing. as i topped the rise, i ran into one of the on-site intercessors. the Lord placed me on his heart over the weekend, and he had been very faithful to speak words of encouragement and Life to me every time he saw me. seeing me come over the hill, he stopped to ask me if the Lord had given me any answers to my questions about work and school. i told him that He had not allowed me to ask until just then - and i told him the conversation i had just had with the Lord. his response? "good - then go dance with your Lord." meaning, of course, that i had my answer - He is in control - and that i am not to dwell and worry and fret about it. that i am to just enjoy getting to know Him better, to listen to Him, to let Him love me, and love Him well in return... wow - who speaks words of love and Life so consistently, and so genuinely? mike, that's who. what an amazing man of God...
so, for the 6 weeks or so since i've been back from the retreat, the Lord has been slowly putting pieces in place for me. up to this point, i have been just trusting Him for His provision and revelation in my life. i had not been praying specifically for either - just trusting Him. the other day, He pointed that out to me. how am i supposed to hear if i don't ask? so, He led me back to 2 kings 20, where hezekiah is told that he is about to die (i wrote about this in come away). this time, the Lord told me to pray as hezekiah had prayed... so i have been. then, last thursday, sitting in traffic during a deluge, He told me that i had not been praying "big" enough, or specific enough... so i told Him, "ok, You're a big God, i'm going to pray big. i want a job that leads me straight to seattle, one that i cannot deny is from You - one that is personally fulfilling and gratifying. and i want to be able to come back here, to minister to the Body at the ring. i want to be able to support myself financially, and be able to help my mom pay off her debt, and i want to be able to support my church. i want to be absolutely certain that You want me to go into the counseling program at mhgs. i want to be equipped to really help the Body that i love so much. i want my life to glorify You. i want You to be totally in control here - open and shut doors, according to Your will."
thursday night, i told paula about all this, and she said that she had been waiting for me to realize that there is a company here, one that has been running around my brain for about 3 weeks now - and that company has management positions that could lead me to corporate in seattle. friday, i told meg about all this, and she agreed to pray with me. saturday, i got on the company's website, and realized that there is no way that i would work for them - i have to be able to believe fully in a company that i work for - which, by the way, is why i cannot return to work for philip if he asks - i believe in the company we were, but not what they have become - the Lord would have to be very specific to send me to atlanta... this morning, i had an email from a job site in seattle that i have registered on. there is a job opening there, 5.9 miles from mhgs, that i am more than qualified for, that pays well, that is the next logical step in my career, that is hiring immediately...
yes, i applied for the job... praying the whole time, i might add. after i applied, i sat on my bathroom counter, looking at my laptop on the floor, and thought about how cool it is that He has been telling me (and a couple of other close friends) to enjoy these last days of rest, because life is about to get rockin' and rollin'... the cool thing about this situation is that this can only happen by the Lord's will. the job site that i registered on is one that touts local candidates. they may see baton rouge on my resume and delete it immediately. or, they may just be curious enough about my diverse education and professional experience to ask me to interview. now, we all know that i don't have money for a plane ticket to seattle... not to go for the "meet and greet" at mhgs coming up mid-november, nor for a job interview, nor do i have the money to move cross-country... only He can cause all this to come about. so, i prayed, i applied, i prayed some more, and now, i'm waiting to see what's next. the cool part is that it's totally up to Him, and i'm totally cool with that. i can even imagine living there now - how crazy is that? i can even picture my apartment, although in my mind, it has sunlight streaming through the windows overlooking puget sound... 6 weeks ago, i was sitting at the airport in denver, sick at the thought that He might actually be serious about sending me to seattle...
my mom said that she is rescinding the hug she gave josh if i get this job... but she was teasing. she is as excited about all this as i am. who knew? and who knows? it's His story - i'm just waiting to see what the next chapter brings.
10.27.2006
embrace
today has been a seriously intense spiritual day, beginning from the moment i awakened a little after 8 - believe it or not, with a smile on my face, thanks to a new ringtone that makes my heart happy. one of the perks of unemployment is that my normal wake up time is somewhere between 10 and 12, depending on how late i stay up writing...
my radar was on super-sensitive mode before the caffeine even began flowing through my veins. i had a lot going on today, all in the realm of ministry and prayer. getting ready to go to a friend's apartment for a meeting, i dug around in the box that a coworker packed for me on the day i got laid off, looking for a scripture that the Lord gave to me for her over 2 years ago, that He's just released me to give to her now. what i came across instead was a calendar, with all the october birthdays on it. my ex-boss's daughter's birthday was last week, and i had a brief moment of bittersweet memory come flooding back - more sweet than bitter these days, thank the Lord.
knowing all that this day had coming, i knew i needed to be deliberate about submitting myself to Christ, so i lay down on my floor and listened to the daily prayer by john eldredge. it's amazing, so if you have not heard it, i highly encourage you to get it. you can buy it or read it on the ransomed heart website. after praying, i put in a cd entitled, "calling", also offered by ransomed heart. i am on the 2nd cd, and the speaker was just getting to a very painful part of a story where he was involved in an accident that resulted in his friend becoming a quadriplegic. my heart was hurting at his pain, at the lies of failure that he had believed for so long... and my phone rang.
with my new ringtone, irritation is really not an option, although i was interrupted - with an unlisted number, at that. still in the habit of answering all calls - a throwback to when i had a work phone - i answered with a curt but inquisitive, "this is ann." i could not believe who it was - my old boss, calling to check on me. it was so good to hear from him - so good... my heart is still hurting and joyous, all at the same time. it was so good to hear from my friend... so good to be able to release him from his guilt of laying me off... so good to hear his voice... so good to hear about his wife and kids... so good to hear how much he misses me and regrets letting me go, finally having realized that what i lacked in approachability was more than made up for in work ethic, integrity and excellence (his words, not mine). it was so good to hear his thirst for Jesus... so good to hear that he is intentionally seeking the Lord... so good to hear - it was just so good to hear his voice. tears are threatening now as i embrace the hurt and the joy. yes, i was finally validated by his recognition of what i offered, and what he now lacks. but so much more than that, i am so relieved that he is seeking the Lord - i was the only Jesus he had in his life, and i was grieving his loss just as much as i was grieving my own - both the job and the friendship.
my heart is so tender tonight. HE IS SO GOOD... so good.
the timing of this call is interesting, too... building off "acquiesce", sometimes He just wants us to say yes. He just wants our hearts to be willing to do whatever He asks. my heart is open to do as He asks, which in my mind is school in seattle. then i get a call from atlanta...
interesting as that is, the real irony here is that the Lord has softened my heart over the summer, making me less rigid and more approachable... which is exactly what my boss said i was lacking. i know the Lord's timing is deliberate. i just find it interesting that i'm now exactly what my boss wanted, and it's too late. i cannot imagine that the Lord would send me back to corporate america - in atlanta - when seattle has been made so evident. then again, my mom mentioned a school called emory, which i know nothing about, but is apparently a renowned seminary in atlanta. hmmm...
guys, He just wants us to say yes. He just wants us to know how good His heart is. i know this post doesn't wrap very well, but my heart is tender tonight. the Lord gave me such a gift in hearing from philip. any speculation aside, it was so good to hear from my friend whom i miss so much - so much more than i realized. He knew... and my heart is aching with His intimacy.
my radar was on super-sensitive mode before the caffeine even began flowing through my veins. i had a lot going on today, all in the realm of ministry and prayer. getting ready to go to a friend's apartment for a meeting, i dug around in the box that a coworker packed for me on the day i got laid off, looking for a scripture that the Lord gave to me for her over 2 years ago, that He's just released me to give to her now. what i came across instead was a calendar, with all the october birthdays on it. my ex-boss's daughter's birthday was last week, and i had a brief moment of bittersweet memory come flooding back - more sweet than bitter these days, thank the Lord.
knowing all that this day had coming, i knew i needed to be deliberate about submitting myself to Christ, so i lay down on my floor and listened to the daily prayer by john eldredge. it's amazing, so if you have not heard it, i highly encourage you to get it. you can buy it or read it on the ransomed heart website. after praying, i put in a cd entitled, "calling", also offered by ransomed heart. i am on the 2nd cd, and the speaker was just getting to a very painful part of a story where he was involved in an accident that resulted in his friend becoming a quadriplegic. my heart was hurting at his pain, at the lies of failure that he had believed for so long... and my phone rang.
with my new ringtone, irritation is really not an option, although i was interrupted - with an unlisted number, at that. still in the habit of answering all calls - a throwback to when i had a work phone - i answered with a curt but inquisitive, "this is ann." i could not believe who it was - my old boss, calling to check on me. it was so good to hear from him - so good... my heart is still hurting and joyous, all at the same time. it was so good to hear from my friend... so good to be able to release him from his guilt of laying me off... so good to hear his voice... so good to hear about his wife and kids... so good to hear how much he misses me and regrets letting me go, finally having realized that what i lacked in approachability was more than made up for in work ethic, integrity and excellence (his words, not mine). it was so good to hear his thirst for Jesus... so good to hear that he is intentionally seeking the Lord... so good to hear - it was just so good to hear his voice. tears are threatening now as i embrace the hurt and the joy. yes, i was finally validated by his recognition of what i offered, and what he now lacks. but so much more than that, i am so relieved that he is seeking the Lord - i was the only Jesus he had in his life, and i was grieving his loss just as much as i was grieving my own - both the job and the friendship.
my heart is so tender tonight. HE IS SO GOOD... so good.
the timing of this call is interesting, too... building off "acquiesce", sometimes He just wants us to say yes. He just wants our hearts to be willing to do whatever He asks. my heart is open to do as He asks, which in my mind is school in seattle. then i get a call from atlanta...
interesting as that is, the real irony here is that the Lord has softened my heart over the summer, making me less rigid and more approachable... which is exactly what my boss said i was lacking. i know the Lord's timing is deliberate. i just find it interesting that i'm now exactly what my boss wanted, and it's too late. i cannot imagine that the Lord would send me back to corporate america - in atlanta - when seattle has been made so evident. then again, my mom mentioned a school called emory, which i know nothing about, but is apparently a renowned seminary in atlanta. hmmm...
guys, He just wants us to say yes. He just wants us to know how good His heart is. i know this post doesn't wrap very well, but my heart is tender tonight. the Lord gave me such a gift in hearing from philip. any speculation aside, it was so good to hear from my friend whom i miss so much - so much more than i realized. He knew... and my heart is aching with His intimacy.
10.24.2006
covered
i don't know how i forgot about this until tonight... His timing, i suppose.
last week at community group, i was totally checked out for most of it. my spirit started jumping almost as soon as i got there, so i spent most of the time praying - in serious intercession mode. then the lies started just slamming into me - i could positively feel condemnation and judgment flying at me. i knew it was not coming from my group - i know their hearts too well - but after battling those thoughts and feelings for several hours, i was starting to lose.
when it came time for prayer requests, i passed. you could feel the spirits come to attention in the room, and you could almost hear the thoughts - ann doesn't have anything to say? what's up with that? what's wrong with her? we got to the end, and something rose up in me - a last-ditch effort to not walk out defeated. so in pure defiance of the enemy of God, i told them about the feelings of condemnation and judgment... about my mom having to buy my first tank of gas... about the Lord not releasing me to just send out 2000 resumes... that He wants me looking at Him, trusting Him for provision and direction... that i am not to listen to the voices - even the well-meaning ones - that keep urging me to get a job - any job... i can't do that. He won't let me.
my voice broke as i was talking, and i ended up crying through most of it. in case you haven't figured this out - i hate to cry. not so much that it's a sign of weakness, as much as it just gives me a brutal headache... anyway, my community surrounded me, laid hands on me, prayed for me - but it didn't stop there.
late that night, i knew that they had kept praying. by the time that i actually laid my head on my pillow, i was positively enveloped in prayer. i had a canopy of prayer surrounding me. i was hidden in Christ, in the shadow of His wing - cloaked and protected and loved. it was so... sweet. would it sound strange if i said that i swear that i could almost smell Him?
tonight, they were prompted to pray for me again, although i did not specifically ask for them to pray about this situation. they are truly walking with me through this season... and i am so grateful because i don't know how to pray for His provision for myself. i can believe Him for it, i can trust Him to provide, but i don't know how to pray for it.
they are my community - they are my intimate allies. to be part of a church that is so deeply entrenched in the value - no, the absolute necessity - of community, is such a blessing, and one that i am often guilty of taking for granted. this being true, let me take a minute to remind us all just how truly blessed we are.
we are part of the family of God. we are the Body of Christ. we are allowed to be part of the Body of Christ known as the ring community church. our leadership team loves the Lord deeply, grasps the intimacy of walking out grace daily, and desires all those who walk through our doors to know that they are welcome, to know that they are surrounded by people who truly love the Lord. our pastor is a truly anointed teacher, a man seeking after the things of God, who is always pointing us to deeper intimacy with the Lord. no pedestals here - just deep gratitude to the Lord for the privilege of being allowed to be a part of this Body we call the ring.
oh, how we praise YOU!
last week at community group, i was totally checked out for most of it. my spirit started jumping almost as soon as i got there, so i spent most of the time praying - in serious intercession mode. then the lies started just slamming into me - i could positively feel condemnation and judgment flying at me. i knew it was not coming from my group - i know their hearts too well - but after battling those thoughts and feelings for several hours, i was starting to lose.
when it came time for prayer requests, i passed. you could feel the spirits come to attention in the room, and you could almost hear the thoughts - ann doesn't have anything to say? what's up with that? what's wrong with her? we got to the end, and something rose up in me - a last-ditch effort to not walk out defeated. so in pure defiance of the enemy of God, i told them about the feelings of condemnation and judgment... about my mom having to buy my first tank of gas... about the Lord not releasing me to just send out 2000 resumes... that He wants me looking at Him, trusting Him for provision and direction... that i am not to listen to the voices - even the well-meaning ones - that keep urging me to get a job - any job... i can't do that. He won't let me.
my voice broke as i was talking, and i ended up crying through most of it. in case you haven't figured this out - i hate to cry. not so much that it's a sign of weakness, as much as it just gives me a brutal headache... anyway, my community surrounded me, laid hands on me, prayed for me - but it didn't stop there.
late that night, i knew that they had kept praying. by the time that i actually laid my head on my pillow, i was positively enveloped in prayer. i had a canopy of prayer surrounding me. i was hidden in Christ, in the shadow of His wing - cloaked and protected and loved. it was so... sweet. would it sound strange if i said that i swear that i could almost smell Him?
tonight, they were prompted to pray for me again, although i did not specifically ask for them to pray about this situation. they are truly walking with me through this season... and i am so grateful because i don't know how to pray for His provision for myself. i can believe Him for it, i can trust Him to provide, but i don't know how to pray for it.
they are my community - they are my intimate allies. to be part of a church that is so deeply entrenched in the value - no, the absolute necessity - of community, is such a blessing, and one that i am often guilty of taking for granted. this being true, let me take a minute to remind us all just how truly blessed we are.
we are part of the family of God. we are the Body of Christ. we are allowed to be part of the Body of Christ known as the ring community church. our leadership team loves the Lord deeply, grasps the intimacy of walking out grace daily, and desires all those who walk through our doors to know that they are welcome, to know that they are surrounded by people who truly love the Lord. our pastor is a truly anointed teacher, a man seeking after the things of God, who is always pointing us to deeper intimacy with the Lord. no pedestals here - just deep gratitude to the Lord for the privilege of being allowed to be a part of this Body we call the ring.
oh, how we praise YOU!
acquiesce
i've made up my mind about something just now.
sitting here at the computer at 2 am has a way of making me introspective... i was thinking about all the posts i've written over the past year where i say that i only want His best for my life.
that is the truest statement i can make about myself.
i've decided that i'm not going to fight Him sending me to seattle. if things keep going the way that they are, i'm headed there next fall. if He is calling me there, it's for a reason - more than likely, He's calling me there for many, many reasons.
i've spent too much of my life not trusting Him. i'm not about to go back to that. no way.
sitting here at the computer at 2 am has a way of making me introspective... i was thinking about all the posts i've written over the past year where i say that i only want His best for my life.
that is the truest statement i can make about myself.
i've decided that i'm not going to fight Him sending me to seattle. if things keep going the way that they are, i'm headed there next fall. if He is calling me there, it's for a reason - more than likely, He's calling me there for many, many reasons.
i've spent too much of my life not trusting Him. i'm not about to go back to that. no way.
10.21.2006
pedestal
this topic came up in conversation with a friend earlier this week, and has been brewing in my mind for days. i'm still not sure where this is going, but that's part of the fun of writing - i usually don't have much of an idea of what's going to come out of these fingertips until i see the words on the screen - it's amazing to me that any of my posts are anywhere near coherent thoughts.
so i'm stuck on this idea of pedestals - putting people on them, to be more precise. actually, now that i think about it, this idea has come up in conversation several times over the past week... i had a great chance to catch up with my niece last saturday, which involved a conversation that lasted several hours. in case you don't know, she is 17, and the only way to keep a 17-year-old actively engaged in conversation for any length of time is to revolve said conversation around them - their lives, their hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, plans, pouts, etc... during the course of that conversation, she told me that for most of her life, she had kept me on a pedestal - that in her eyes, not only could i do no wrong (rriiiigghhtt) but that everything i did, i did perfectly... my reaction? now that i'm off the pedestal, maybe we can actually have a real relationship, because now i'm a real person in her eyes.
a few days later, a friend and i were discussing the lack of development in a friendship that i felt had enough depth and intimacy to have trust and breadth, as well. my fear was that this "friend" was put off by my directness and transparency, and i was unsure how to overcome that. as it turns out, this was not the case at all. instead of being turned away by my directness and transparency, this person had me on a bit of a pedestal, which i promptly fell off of over the past summer when life got hard for me. you see, she admired my strength and passion for the Lord, and as i faltered, she became disillusioned, not only with my faith, but her own, as well... that might be one of the scariest thoughts i've had in awhile.
please don't read condemnation here. i'm guilty of this, as well. it's very easy to put people who occupy places of authority or admiration in our lives on pedestals. this can happen with our bosses, our friends, favorite authors, speakers, even our leadership... and it's such a devastating place to be. what we have to realize is that the people we admire are simply that - people. they make mistakes, go through hard times, lack grace, mis-communicate, fail, fall, fart in the bathtub...
i learned about pedestals several years ago when i first came to the ring. i had very little understanding of boundaries (mine and other people's), no idea as to what putting a person on a pedestal did to them, nor to myself. a good friend of mine gently pointed out that i had inadvertently put our pastor on a pedestal, with all the resulting improper expectations, lack of grace, and imbalanced (self-focused) perspective... and i am so grateful for that lesson - that insight spoken so gently into my life.
the biggest problem with pedestals, in my opinion, is not so much that the person will fall off - and they will - the biggest problem is that when we idolize someone in our life, we take our focus off Jesus. we begin to care more about what they think than asking Jesus what He thinks. we begin to think about that person more than we think about the Lord. we end up making that person an idol in our life, and that is so unfair to the person being idolized. this can happen with just about anyone in our lives - our parents, our family, our spouse, our friends, our leadership... and it dishonors God. yeah, ouch.
but probing more deeply into our tendency to idolize others, a much more devastating problem is uncovered. we tend to idolize others when we see something in them that we "lack" in ourselves, and that lack results in, or is a result of, shame. you may be thinking that i've made quite a leap from pedestals to idols to shame. i'm not so sure:
Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, know, believe, that we do not measure up - not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.
Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what He thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman [or man], we offer our "expertise". If we are a desolate kind of woman [or man], we offer our "service." We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected. -- Captivating, pp 73-74
shame says that we are not enough, or that we are too much. it causes us to look to others for validation, to prove our worth... and the only place to look for these things is the Word of God - Christ Himself. and let me just tell you - He adores you. He loves you. He accepts you. He is the One who validates you, who gives your life worth and meaning - no one or nothing else can do that for you.
i can also tell you that it breaks His heart when we seek others before Him. how do i know this to be true? just a brief overview of the old testament reveals this to us. how many times did israel turn away from the LORD, and how many times did He make a way for them to return to Him? bringing that truth forward into our lives this side of the cross, all we have to do is look into our own lives, our own walks with Jesus, to see that this is true. He is constantly seeking us, wanting time and intimacy with us, drawing us to Himself. what do you think motivates Him to keep after us, after all the repeated rejection and attempts at self-sufficiency? love. His love for His kids. His desire for relationship, for fellowship, for true intimacy with us... there will never be anyone in our lives that can or will love us that way - pure, unconditional, agape love is ONLY from the Lord.
putting people on pedestals - idolizing them - breaks His heart. He is the only One deserving of so much focus, so much emotion, so much effort and energy. as if that weren't bad enough, the one that we idolize is hurt, as well. let's look at it from the other side - what are we supposed to do when we realize that we have become the object of someones worship? ouch. now we're getting into sticky territory. i can only write from my own experiences. in the case of my niece, all i could do was to live my life in an exemplary manner around her, and wait for the day that she busted me being me. in the case of my friend, i can only wait and pray while i live my life walking with Jesus - valleys, deserts, peaks and all. in other words, i can only be me - it's the fairest expectation and the only one i will allow to dictate my actions. i have to put boundaries in place, and live within those boundaries, enforcing them when necessary - all the while being cognizant of other's boundaries, as well, and respecting them at all costs.
so where does shame fit into this? we have to realize that shame is a huge motivating factor in all our lives. we have to see it for what it is, and the influence it has over our lives... and we have to renounce the lies that it brings with it. shame is not of the Lord. it is a lie from the pit of hell. the sooner we realize that, the sooner we begin to recognize where it has permeated our lives and ask Jesus to reveal His heart to us. when He does that, we will begin to see our lives and each other through His eyes and the idol worship will stop. grace will reign in our lives again. our vertical will be restored, and our horizontals will fall back into place, where they belong.
so i'm stuck on this idea of pedestals - putting people on them, to be more precise. actually, now that i think about it, this idea has come up in conversation several times over the past week... i had a great chance to catch up with my niece last saturday, which involved a conversation that lasted several hours. in case you don't know, she is 17, and the only way to keep a 17-year-old actively engaged in conversation for any length of time is to revolve said conversation around them - their lives, their hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties, plans, pouts, etc... during the course of that conversation, she told me that for most of her life, she had kept me on a pedestal - that in her eyes, not only could i do no wrong (rriiiigghhtt) but that everything i did, i did perfectly... my reaction? now that i'm off the pedestal, maybe we can actually have a real relationship, because now i'm a real person in her eyes.
a few days later, a friend and i were discussing the lack of development in a friendship that i felt had enough depth and intimacy to have trust and breadth, as well. my fear was that this "friend" was put off by my directness and transparency, and i was unsure how to overcome that. as it turns out, this was not the case at all. instead of being turned away by my directness and transparency, this person had me on a bit of a pedestal, which i promptly fell off of over the past summer when life got hard for me. you see, she admired my strength and passion for the Lord, and as i faltered, she became disillusioned, not only with my faith, but her own, as well... that might be one of the scariest thoughts i've had in awhile.
please don't read condemnation here. i'm guilty of this, as well. it's very easy to put people who occupy places of authority or admiration in our lives on pedestals. this can happen with our bosses, our friends, favorite authors, speakers, even our leadership... and it's such a devastating place to be. what we have to realize is that the people we admire are simply that - people. they make mistakes, go through hard times, lack grace, mis-communicate, fail, fall, fart in the bathtub...
i learned about pedestals several years ago when i first came to the ring. i had very little understanding of boundaries (mine and other people's), no idea as to what putting a person on a pedestal did to them, nor to myself. a good friend of mine gently pointed out that i had inadvertently put our pastor on a pedestal, with all the resulting improper expectations, lack of grace, and imbalanced (self-focused) perspective... and i am so grateful for that lesson - that insight spoken so gently into my life.
the biggest problem with pedestals, in my opinion, is not so much that the person will fall off - and they will - the biggest problem is that when we idolize someone in our life, we take our focus off Jesus. we begin to care more about what they think than asking Jesus what He thinks. we begin to think about that person more than we think about the Lord. we end up making that person an idol in our life, and that is so unfair to the person being idolized. this can happen with just about anyone in our lives - our parents, our family, our spouse, our friends, our leadership... and it dishonors God. yeah, ouch.
but probing more deeply into our tendency to idolize others, a much more devastating problem is uncovered. we tend to idolize others when we see something in them that we "lack" in ourselves, and that lack results in, or is a result of, shame. you may be thinking that i've made quite a leap from pedestals to idols to shame. i'm not so sure:
Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, know, believe, that we do not measure up - not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.
Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what He thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman [or man], we offer our "expertise". If we are a desolate kind of woman [or man], we offer our "service." We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected. -- Captivating, pp 73-74
shame says that we are not enough, or that we are too much. it causes us to look to others for validation, to prove our worth... and the only place to look for these things is the Word of God - Christ Himself. and let me just tell you - He adores you. He loves you. He accepts you. He is the One who validates you, who gives your life worth and meaning - no one or nothing else can do that for you.
i can also tell you that it breaks His heart when we seek others before Him. how do i know this to be true? just a brief overview of the old testament reveals this to us. how many times did israel turn away from the LORD, and how many times did He make a way for them to return to Him? bringing that truth forward into our lives this side of the cross, all we have to do is look into our own lives, our own walks with Jesus, to see that this is true. He is constantly seeking us, wanting time and intimacy with us, drawing us to Himself. what do you think motivates Him to keep after us, after all the repeated rejection and attempts at self-sufficiency? love. His love for His kids. His desire for relationship, for fellowship, for true intimacy with us... there will never be anyone in our lives that can or will love us that way - pure, unconditional, agape love is ONLY from the Lord.
putting people on pedestals - idolizing them - breaks His heart. He is the only One deserving of so much focus, so much emotion, so much effort and energy. as if that weren't bad enough, the one that we idolize is hurt, as well. let's look at it from the other side - what are we supposed to do when we realize that we have become the object of someones worship? ouch. now we're getting into sticky territory. i can only write from my own experiences. in the case of my niece, all i could do was to live my life in an exemplary manner around her, and wait for the day that she busted me being me. in the case of my friend, i can only wait and pray while i live my life walking with Jesus - valleys, deserts, peaks and all. in other words, i can only be me - it's the fairest expectation and the only one i will allow to dictate my actions. i have to put boundaries in place, and live within those boundaries, enforcing them when necessary - all the while being cognizant of other's boundaries, as well, and respecting them at all costs.
so where does shame fit into this? we have to realize that shame is a huge motivating factor in all our lives. we have to see it for what it is, and the influence it has over our lives... and we have to renounce the lies that it brings with it. shame is not of the Lord. it is a lie from the pit of hell. the sooner we realize that, the sooner we begin to recognize where it has permeated our lives and ask Jesus to reveal His heart to us. when He does that, we will begin to see our lives and each other through His eyes and the idol worship will stop. grace will reign in our lives again. our vertical will be restored, and our horizontals will fall back into place, where they belong.
10.19.2006
my desire
i've been vacillating between trust and fear, believing lies and standing on the Truth - kind of a spiritual schizophrenia of late - reminiscent of david in the psalms. it's all i can do to leave home right now. if things keep going the way that they are, i won't be able to get out of bed soon. i managed to drag my butt out of the house this afternoon, with much emphasis on the dragging... and as always, on the days that we really, really, really don't want to do something, it's because we are really, really, really supposed to do it. knowing that to be true, i found enough stubbornness in me to drag myself out of the house for a pleasant afternoon with my niece and my partner in crime (aka paula, aka the dynamic duo), and then onto church.
on the way home tonight, this song was playing in my truck. my spirit was rejoicing, because i see the Lord doing such a work, and He's allowing me to be a part of that work - i'm just really blown away. then the lyrics of this song began to seep into my soul, and i was instantly humbled and thrilled, all at the same time. i don't think i can adequately express why this hit me so hard. the Lord has promised me restoration, warned me against pride, and called me to serve Him in ways that i never imagined - which is EXACTLY what this song is about... it was a gift from my King on a day when i really, really needed it.
good thing i was already inside the gates to my condo... my spirit began to worship instantly, which means that my eyes closed and my hands raised... i'm pretty sure the Lord parked my truck for me...
You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King
Chorus:
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by You
You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will
(Chorus)
All my life I have seen where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give my hands to use
(Chorus)
--My Desire by Jeremy Camp
on the way home tonight, this song was playing in my truck. my spirit was rejoicing, because i see the Lord doing such a work, and He's allowing me to be a part of that work - i'm just really blown away. then the lyrics of this song began to seep into my soul, and i was instantly humbled and thrilled, all at the same time. i don't think i can adequately express why this hit me so hard. the Lord has promised me restoration, warned me against pride, and called me to serve Him in ways that i never imagined - which is EXACTLY what this song is about... it was a gift from my King on a day when i really, really needed it.
good thing i was already inside the gates to my condo... my spirit began to worship instantly, which means that my eyes closed and my hands raised... i'm pretty sure the Lord parked my truck for me...
You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King
Chorus:
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by You
You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will
(Chorus)
All my life I have seen where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give my hands to use
(Chorus)
--My Desire by Jeremy Camp
10.17.2006
offering
as made apparent by my rant in the last post, i need words of Life and Love to fill my soul. below is an email sent by a woman at the retreat to her sisters... i offer these words to you, in love and peace, praying you are fully alive in Him this day.
Hello Everyone,
I've been reading how everyone has been having a hard time readjusting to life in the valley...and you are so not alone. The things we experienced were so real. Don't forget that. I keep remembering the talk that Leigh gave about being a woman who is truly alive. And she spoke about God not calling you to a bigger "to do" list in your life, but a life of subtraction. Sometimes when we get away and are really able to focus (maybe for the first time ever) on what God wants to say to us and we actually HEAR his voice and feel that he truly loves us...it's so powerful. We we re-romanced in a powerful way up at 9000 ft. We were left breathless (literally!) by the beauty of creation, the snow he kissed us with, the bouquets of friendship he delivered daily, and the intimate ways he called each one of us out... it really was perfect. Eden must have been something like that. The longing to be there again is good. The lover of our souls waits for the time when we will steal away to be with him again. But he also longs to meet us where we are. He knows the responsibilities we have... jobs, spouses, children, grandchildren :-), they are good things given to us by him. We were in the presence of the Holy Spirit. While we may not be able to "retreat" from the life we've been given daily, we can ask the Lord to fill us with his Spirit daily. He wants us to. Keep taking your question to him... journal, pray, those times of silence were powerful... listen. He's still speaking. He still wants to come. Is there time for him to come? Even for a few minutes? Who or what keeps cutting in when you're dancing with him? Call it what it is and fight for your heart. You are worth it. On page 217 in your Captivating book there are a couple of paragraphs at the top that I like to use in my classes. I take the "you" and change it to'"I" and read it out loud over myself. These things are the truth no matter what my circumstances or situations might be telling me. It's powerful. I encourage you to do it. Your brain listens to you speak... the good and the bad. Let your words work for good for your heart. "I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed. As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty." Don't give up. You are worth fighting for.
Hello Everyone,
I've been reading how everyone has been having a hard time readjusting to life in the valley...and you are so not alone. The things we experienced were so real. Don't forget that. I keep remembering the talk that Leigh gave about being a woman who is truly alive. And she spoke about God not calling you to a bigger "to do" list in your life, but a life of subtraction. Sometimes when we get away and are really able to focus (maybe for the first time ever) on what God wants to say to us and we actually HEAR his voice and feel that he truly loves us...it's so powerful. We we re-romanced in a powerful way up at 9000 ft. We were left breathless (literally!) by the beauty of creation, the snow he kissed us with, the bouquets of friendship he delivered daily, and the intimate ways he called each one of us out... it really was perfect. Eden must have been something like that. The longing to be there again is good. The lover of our souls waits for the time when we will steal away to be with him again. But he also longs to meet us where we are. He knows the responsibilities we have... jobs, spouses, children, grandchildren :-), they are good things given to us by him. We were in the presence of the Holy Spirit. While we may not be able to "retreat" from the life we've been given daily, we can ask the Lord to fill us with his Spirit daily. He wants us to. Keep taking your question to him... journal, pray, those times of silence were powerful... listen. He's still speaking. He still wants to come. Is there time for him to come? Even for a few minutes? Who or what keeps cutting in when you're dancing with him? Call it what it is and fight for your heart. You are worth it. On page 217 in your Captivating book there are a couple of paragraphs at the top that I like to use in my classes. I take the "you" and change it to'"I" and read it out loud over myself. These things are the truth no matter what my circumstances or situations might be telling me. It's powerful. I encourage you to do it. Your brain listens to you speak... the good and the bad. Let your words work for good for your heart. "I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed. As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty." Don't give up. You are worth fighting for.
10.15.2006
subtle
we were told at the retreat to expect opposition - i even had the post title ready - "backlash"... what i've found instead is a subtle erosion that is so much more damaging. instead of outright attack, which i recognize instantly and know how to fight, i'm experiencing a gradual blah-ness that is sucking me dry. even now, new lies are creeping in to replace the old ones, and they are hard to identify and therefore very difficult to fight.
this current round of lies is less about me being too much and are more about me being too little - lacking. the things that make me who i am - things that i have always liked about myself - have now been called into question, and let me just tell you, it sucks.
i just relented on my anti-myspace stance, and i really wish i hadn't. i was there long enough to jump around from page to page, and realized that most of my friends and my community are out there. i also realized that either i have a decided lack of desire to be cool and have no sense of humor at all, or that i'm really, really dull. just a new twist on old lies, but it sucks just the same.
"a place for friends"? that's bullshit. it's a place to see who has the most friends, who can say the coolest thing, who can play the coolest music or use subtle (or not) manipulation with clever one-liners in the comment section. you can keep it. better yet, realize that you are loved just because you are who you are, surrender the need to be cool or hip or whatever, delete your page and pretend you never heard of such a place.
our pastor talked about how he fears the upcoming elder election has the potential to be comparable to a homecoming court - a popularity contest - instead of the intended process in which the Body prayerfully nominates our newest leaders... i felt the same way the first time i inadvertently jumped on a myspace page via a changed link to someone's blog, and i feel the same way tonight. i have enough battles to fight without going back to high school... or was that middle school? come to think of it, we were worried about the coolness factor in elementary school, for Christ's sake.
to avoid an all-out rant, and to avoid the risk of further offending anyone, i'll stop here. oh, i have many, many thoughts running through this brain right now, but for once, i think i'll act like the grown-up that i am, and stop before too much damage is done... yes, i'm openly acknowledging that i realize i have stepped on some toes. that happens from time to time - and i'm ok with that.
i'll stick to my blog. it's more for me than anyone else - if God chooses to use it in the lives of others, then that's great. if it offers words of love and life, then that's great, too. but i can tell you this with all honesty - my blog is not a place for competition or popularity - it's a place to share my thoughts and give God glory for what He's done and what He's doing in my life.
there are no agendas here - hidden or otherwise - you have my word on that. can you say the same about your space?
this current round of lies is less about me being too much and are more about me being too little - lacking. the things that make me who i am - things that i have always liked about myself - have now been called into question, and let me just tell you, it sucks.
i just relented on my anti-myspace stance, and i really wish i hadn't. i was there long enough to jump around from page to page, and realized that most of my friends and my community are out there. i also realized that either i have a decided lack of desire to be cool and have no sense of humor at all, or that i'm really, really dull. just a new twist on old lies, but it sucks just the same.
"a place for friends"? that's bullshit. it's a place to see who has the most friends, who can say the coolest thing, who can play the coolest music or use subtle (or not) manipulation with clever one-liners in the comment section. you can keep it. better yet, realize that you are loved just because you are who you are, surrender the need to be cool or hip or whatever, delete your page and pretend you never heard of such a place.
our pastor talked about how he fears the upcoming elder election has the potential to be comparable to a homecoming court - a popularity contest - instead of the intended process in which the Body prayerfully nominates our newest leaders... i felt the same way the first time i inadvertently jumped on a myspace page via a changed link to someone's blog, and i feel the same way tonight. i have enough battles to fight without going back to high school... or was that middle school? come to think of it, we were worried about the coolness factor in elementary school, for Christ's sake.
to avoid an all-out rant, and to avoid the risk of further offending anyone, i'll stop here. oh, i have many, many thoughts running through this brain right now, but for once, i think i'll act like the grown-up that i am, and stop before too much damage is done... yes, i'm openly acknowledging that i realize i have stepped on some toes. that happens from time to time - and i'm ok with that.
i'll stick to my blog. it's more for me than anyone else - if God chooses to use it in the lives of others, then that's great. if it offers words of love and life, then that's great, too. but i can tell you this with all honesty - my blog is not a place for competition or popularity - it's a place to share my thoughts and give God glory for what He's done and what He's doing in my life.
there are no agendas here - hidden or otherwise - you have my word on that. can you say the same about your space?
10.12.2006
humbled
i don't know if it's because the anniversary date of my marriage is approaching, or because i am involved in a divorce ministry right now, but this story has come to mind several times over the past week or so, and when that happens, i generally figure it's a story that needs telling.
a couple of years ago, the entire Body at pbc did the purpose driven life by rick warren, together, as a church for 40 days. the Lord accomplished a couple of things in my life through that study - this is one story.
one sunday morning, a few weeks into the study, the Lord really threw me for a loop. He sent me on a mission... more like a forced cooperation. there are few times in my life where He has actually forced me to do something, but this is one of those times. it was either obey or i couldn't live with myself because of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. ever feel that way? let me just tell you that it did not matter how much whining, begging, kicking, screaming or refusing that i did, i was going on that mission - period.
so why so much fuss? well, the marching orders were not to my liking - at all. He told me to go to my ex-in-law's house, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness (did i mention that he left me for another woman?) for my part of the marriage failing. my reaction? not no, but hell no. that's right - that's exactly what i told Him... and He just looked at me. total silence. your dad ever give you that look that says, "you are going to do this, you are going to do exactly as i say, right now" and he never had to say a word? yeah, like that. so off i went, fussing and cussing the whole way.
i walked into the house, asked to speak to him, and we went outside. i asked his forgiveness for failing him, for the things that i had done wrong throughout the 13 years we were together, things that hurt him, or things i could have done differently - that i was sorry that the marriage failed, and asked him to forgive me. and i meant it. i took responsibility for my role in what had gone wrong, owned it and asked him to forgive me for it. and he did. and i left...
and He sent me back. oh - i was FURIOUS. you can only imagine what that conversation with the Lord was like - what do You mean, i'm not done? i did exactly as You asked AND i was sincere on top of that. i'm not going back - You are insane... and He gave me that look again. dang it. so i turn around, fussing and cussing even louder than before - and went back to apologize - to the woman he had left me for. that's right... to the woman he committed adultery with, to the woman who basically gave her kids to him when i was not able to even have kids, to the woman living in my home, to the woman who had stolen my identity, had impersonated me and seduced my husband from me...
i tell you her actions only to give you an idea of what He was asking me to do - NOT to keep a list of wrongs - please understand that. the enormity of what He wanted was unbelievable.
so back up the driveway i went. back into the house i went. his whole family was waiting to see what i was going to do next - they were already in shock from the first visit. you could hear them audibly suck in a collective breath when i turned to her and asked to speak with her - alone, outside. i think his mom actually edged toward the phone, ready to dial 911... no one dared say a word. in retrospect, i believe it was the Lord's hand all over that situation. i was there on His orders, after all...
anyway, i looked her in the face, and told her why i was there. before i could even tell her why i needed her forgiveness, she said, "of course i forgive you - i don't have anything against you." i almost decked her - i mean, i almost TOOK HER OUT. i think the Lord physically restrained me - i know He forced my flesh down and reminded me why i was there - to obey and honor Him - not to lose control and go to jail. so... i politely told her that while i appreciated her forgiveness, i wanted to be clear on what i was actually asking her forgiveness for. i asked her to forgive me for judging her. nothing else. she was in a profession that is... rather unconventional, and i stood in judgment of that. true enough, so i was actually sincere in asking her forgiveness... and she forgave me, only to start talking about Christ, and how she had been going to church with his mom... here is a woman, guilty of all that is written above, who stripped for a living, talking to me about Christ... it was like hearing a demon talking about Jesus. all i could think was "breathe... ann, you have to breathe." many years later, i know that Jesus came for the sinners - myself included - but at the time, i didn't know if i wanted to throw up or shoot her or myself. i managed to thank her for forgiving me and walked away, gagging. i know now that i was reacting to all the foul spirits that positively enveloped her, but at the time, i was just sick.
but then something happened that was totally unexpected - as if all this wasn't unexpected enough - i mean, really... how much can one heart take in a day??? as i walked down that driveway for the last time - i was free. i was free! i was free from the sin of unforgiveness. i was free from the sin of judgment. i was free from the anger and the ties that bound me to that family. i had obeyed, and i was free. i cried all the way home, thanking Him for making me go, for not letting me remain in that sin that was holding me back from growing with Him any longer... sin that i didn't even really know was there.
all these years later, i had the chance to tell that story to someone last week... and the Lord used it in their life. forgiveness is SO powerful, that all these years later, a single act of obedience is still affecting lives. how cool is that?
a couple of years ago, the entire Body at pbc did the purpose driven life by rick warren, together, as a church for 40 days. the Lord accomplished a couple of things in my life through that study - this is one story.
one sunday morning, a few weeks into the study, the Lord really threw me for a loop. He sent me on a mission... more like a forced cooperation. there are few times in my life where He has actually forced me to do something, but this is one of those times. it was either obey or i couldn't live with myself because of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. ever feel that way? let me just tell you that it did not matter how much whining, begging, kicking, screaming or refusing that i did, i was going on that mission - period.
so why so much fuss? well, the marching orders were not to my liking - at all. He told me to go to my ex-in-law's house, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness (did i mention that he left me for another woman?) for my part of the marriage failing. my reaction? not no, but hell no. that's right - that's exactly what i told Him... and He just looked at me. total silence. your dad ever give you that look that says, "you are going to do this, you are going to do exactly as i say, right now" and he never had to say a word? yeah, like that. so off i went, fussing and cussing the whole way.
i walked into the house, asked to speak to him, and we went outside. i asked his forgiveness for failing him, for the things that i had done wrong throughout the 13 years we were together, things that hurt him, or things i could have done differently - that i was sorry that the marriage failed, and asked him to forgive me. and i meant it. i took responsibility for my role in what had gone wrong, owned it and asked him to forgive me for it. and he did. and i left...
and He sent me back. oh - i was FURIOUS. you can only imagine what that conversation with the Lord was like - what do You mean, i'm not done? i did exactly as You asked AND i was sincere on top of that. i'm not going back - You are insane... and He gave me that look again. dang it. so i turn around, fussing and cussing even louder than before - and went back to apologize - to the woman he had left me for. that's right... to the woman he committed adultery with, to the woman who basically gave her kids to him when i was not able to even have kids, to the woman living in my home, to the woman who had stolen my identity, had impersonated me and seduced my husband from me...
i tell you her actions only to give you an idea of what He was asking me to do - NOT to keep a list of wrongs - please understand that. the enormity of what He wanted was unbelievable.
so back up the driveway i went. back into the house i went. his whole family was waiting to see what i was going to do next - they were already in shock from the first visit. you could hear them audibly suck in a collective breath when i turned to her and asked to speak with her - alone, outside. i think his mom actually edged toward the phone, ready to dial 911... no one dared say a word. in retrospect, i believe it was the Lord's hand all over that situation. i was there on His orders, after all...
anyway, i looked her in the face, and told her why i was there. before i could even tell her why i needed her forgiveness, she said, "of course i forgive you - i don't have anything against you." i almost decked her - i mean, i almost TOOK HER OUT. i think the Lord physically restrained me - i know He forced my flesh down and reminded me why i was there - to obey and honor Him - not to lose control and go to jail. so... i politely told her that while i appreciated her forgiveness, i wanted to be clear on what i was actually asking her forgiveness for. i asked her to forgive me for judging her. nothing else. she was in a profession that is... rather unconventional, and i stood in judgment of that. true enough, so i was actually sincere in asking her forgiveness... and she forgave me, only to start talking about Christ, and how she had been going to church with his mom... here is a woman, guilty of all that is written above, who stripped for a living, talking to me about Christ... it was like hearing a demon talking about Jesus. all i could think was "breathe... ann, you have to breathe." many years later, i know that Jesus came for the sinners - myself included - but at the time, i didn't know if i wanted to throw up or shoot her or myself. i managed to thank her for forgiving me and walked away, gagging. i know now that i was reacting to all the foul spirits that positively enveloped her, but at the time, i was just sick.
but then something happened that was totally unexpected - as if all this wasn't unexpected enough - i mean, really... how much can one heart take in a day??? as i walked down that driveway for the last time - i was free. i was free! i was free from the sin of unforgiveness. i was free from the sin of judgment. i was free from the anger and the ties that bound me to that family. i had obeyed, and i was free. i cried all the way home, thanking Him for making me go, for not letting me remain in that sin that was holding me back from growing with Him any longer... sin that i didn't even really know was there.
all these years later, i had the chance to tell that story to someone last week... and the Lord used it in their life. forgiveness is SO powerful, that all these years later, a single act of obedience is still affecting lives. how cool is that?
10.10.2006
objectified
i woke up this morning in a bit of a snit.
i'm not sure why - typically, i'm the quiet sort in the early hours (anything before noon qualifies as "early" - yay unemployment!) - it's a throw-back to my married days, when any word spoken around my ex was said at my own risk. growing up, casting off the bowline before 5 was not unusual, so this leave-me-alone-before-the-first-cup-of-coffee is learned behavior, and one that i suppose i should correct.
back to the snit... although this pleasant trip down memory lane has done wonders for my snittiness...
someone please tell me when it became ok to view people as objects? men - since when is it ok to look at a woman and see her as a sex object? women - this is an equal opportunity snit - since when is it ok to look at a man and see him as a sex object?
although this post is going to explore part of the "women as sex objects" theme, i'm not letting women off the hook - not by a long shot. anything written here applies to us, as well. but admitting that is going against my snit, and it is my snit and my blog, so...
ok class - can someone tell me what God created last? or rather, who? that would be eve. and let me just tell you - she was not an afterthought, an "oh, dang, I'd better make a help meet [gag] for adam." she was the crowning glory of creation. His final extravagant finishing touch. His pièce de résistance. (add french accent here)
in case you have any doubts as to the veracity of my answer, see genesis 1-3 (and further explored in captivating). i mean, really read it. get into the story, feel the emotion, the wonder, the excitement in heaven as all the angels SHOUTED for joy. in case familiarity has lessened the impact of the story for you, remember that this is not just a story - it's how we came into being. it is our story. it cannot possibly be more personal than that.
yes, i know - sin entered the picture and it's been hell ever since. but that does not, i repeat DOES NOT, excuse the behavior and thought-attitude that still exists today - especially within the church. there are few things more sickening than seeing lust lurking around the men - and women - of the church... but not because it's "dirty" or "perverted" or whatever. it sickens me because it is a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem. yes, we have desires to be loved, to be held, to experience the intimacy that God created for a couple to thoroughly enjoy together. however, to let those desires dictate our behavior, our thoughts, our choice of a mate... if i had to guess which sin God hates the most (yes, i know - sin is sin - just go with me here) i would say that lust is definitely in the top 5. i say this because it is so damaging, not only for the one wrapped up in it, but for the object of someone's lust, as well.
desire, physical attraction, intimacy - these longings were created by God. gasp. these are good things when considered in the context of Christ-centered relationship. but they are so easily twisted into ugly, hurtful things when the desire for them exceeds our desire for intimacy with Jesus. no, don't check out yet - stay here with me for a minute.
although there are several horrible results that we could consider, let's just look at the one that is prevalent in the church. when someone is wrapped up in lust, the end result can easily be a poor choice in a mate. let me just tell you, from experience i might add, that physical attraction does not a marriage make. it helps, to be sure. this observation is valid for both genders - lust begets manipulation - in the form of seduction, inappropriate pursuit, and obsession.
it seems to me that a life-long commitment damn well better be centered on something other than physical attraction. for us single folk, that's what we want, right? to be part of something larger than ourselves (you married folk have already figured this out) and that something has to be rooted and established in love - in Christ's love - and that cannot include lust.
lust is a twisted version of true desire, true attraction - lust objectifies someone into something.
admittedly, i am no expert on what a Christ-centered relationship should look like. thankfully, we have several married couples within our community that are great examples of covenant relationship, and they do us the huge favor of not hiding their affection/attraction for one another - not flaunting it, but not hiding it, either. but i can say with confidence that while the success of their relationship may be enhanced by physical attraction, it is not the cement that keeps them committed when the shit hits the fan.
what happened to faith? what happened to trust? what happened to being comfortable in our own skin, able to be alone, but not lonely? what happened to waiting on the Lord, knowing His heart for us - that He is for us? although this started as a snit, it's not meant to bring on guilt or condemnation. it's meant to encourage us to open our eyes, to question our motives, to examine ourselves and our thoughts - and bring them to God. He is the only One who will ever truly satisfy us, even if/when we are married.
wrapping this back to the message from sunday about surrender - true surrender is stepping away from something and letting God handle it - it is His problem anyway, right? by all means, let's step away - consciously step away - from trying to manipulate our own thoughts or manipulate others. let's focus on deepening and strengthening our relationship with Christ. without that depth, we are toast. life continues to come at us, year after year, bringing joy, success, pain, death... if your life is not centered in Life, then you don't stand a chance.
i'm not sure why - typically, i'm the quiet sort in the early hours (anything before noon qualifies as "early" - yay unemployment!) - it's a throw-back to my married days, when any word spoken around my ex was said at my own risk. growing up, casting off the bowline before 5 was not unusual, so this leave-me-alone-before-the-first-cup-of-coffee is learned behavior, and one that i suppose i should correct.
back to the snit... although this pleasant trip down memory lane has done wonders for my snittiness...
someone please tell me when it became ok to view people as objects? men - since when is it ok to look at a woman and see her as a sex object? women - this is an equal opportunity snit - since when is it ok to look at a man and see him as a sex object?
although this post is going to explore part of the "women as sex objects" theme, i'm not letting women off the hook - not by a long shot. anything written here applies to us, as well. but admitting that is going against my snit, and it is my snit and my blog, so...
ok class - can someone tell me what God created last? or rather, who? that would be eve. and let me just tell you - she was not an afterthought, an "oh, dang, I'd better make a help meet [gag] for adam." she was the crowning glory of creation. His final extravagant finishing touch. His pièce de résistance. (add french accent here)
in case you have any doubts as to the veracity of my answer, see genesis 1-3 (and further explored in captivating). i mean, really read it. get into the story, feel the emotion, the wonder, the excitement in heaven as all the angels SHOUTED for joy. in case familiarity has lessened the impact of the story for you, remember that this is not just a story - it's how we came into being. it is our story. it cannot possibly be more personal than that.
yes, i know - sin entered the picture and it's been hell ever since. but that does not, i repeat DOES NOT, excuse the behavior and thought-attitude that still exists today - especially within the church. there are few things more sickening than seeing lust lurking around the men - and women - of the church... but not because it's "dirty" or "perverted" or whatever. it sickens me because it is a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem. yes, we have desires to be loved, to be held, to experience the intimacy that God created for a couple to thoroughly enjoy together. however, to let those desires dictate our behavior, our thoughts, our choice of a mate... if i had to guess which sin God hates the most (yes, i know - sin is sin - just go with me here) i would say that lust is definitely in the top 5. i say this because it is so damaging, not only for the one wrapped up in it, but for the object of someone's lust, as well.
desire, physical attraction, intimacy - these longings were created by God. gasp. these are good things when considered in the context of Christ-centered relationship. but they are so easily twisted into ugly, hurtful things when the desire for them exceeds our desire for intimacy with Jesus. no, don't check out yet - stay here with me for a minute.
although there are several horrible results that we could consider, let's just look at the one that is prevalent in the church. when someone is wrapped up in lust, the end result can easily be a poor choice in a mate. let me just tell you, from experience i might add, that physical attraction does not a marriage make. it helps, to be sure. this observation is valid for both genders - lust begets manipulation - in the form of seduction, inappropriate pursuit, and obsession.
it seems to me that a life-long commitment damn well better be centered on something other than physical attraction. for us single folk, that's what we want, right? to be part of something larger than ourselves (you married folk have already figured this out) and that something has to be rooted and established in love - in Christ's love - and that cannot include lust.
lust is a twisted version of true desire, true attraction - lust objectifies someone into something.
admittedly, i am no expert on what a Christ-centered relationship should look like. thankfully, we have several married couples within our community that are great examples of covenant relationship, and they do us the huge favor of not hiding their affection/attraction for one another - not flaunting it, but not hiding it, either. but i can say with confidence that while the success of their relationship may be enhanced by physical attraction, it is not the cement that keeps them committed when the shit hits the fan.
what happened to faith? what happened to trust? what happened to being comfortable in our own skin, able to be alone, but not lonely? what happened to waiting on the Lord, knowing His heart for us - that He is for us? although this started as a snit, it's not meant to bring on guilt or condemnation. it's meant to encourage us to open our eyes, to question our motives, to examine ourselves and our thoughts - and bring them to God. He is the only One who will ever truly satisfy us, even if/when we are married.
wrapping this back to the message from sunday about surrender - true surrender is stepping away from something and letting God handle it - it is His problem anyway, right? by all means, let's step away - consciously step away - from trying to manipulate our own thoughts or manipulate others. let's focus on deepening and strengthening our relationship with Christ. without that depth, we are toast. life continues to come at us, year after year, bringing joy, success, pain, death... if your life is not centered in Life, then you don't stand a chance.
10.08.2006
fluid, v2
i was unsettled and discomfited with the previous version, so i thought i would give it another shot... i'm still not completely satisfied with it, but i'm tired of looking at it... i am my own worst critic.
i finally went to talk to my pastor late last week about this whole counseling thing - my exact question was, "am i smoking crack?" i just can't seem to get away from the oddness of it all - me, a counselor? come on... that is surreal to me.
i need to be very careful how i tell this part of the story, so as not to put words in his mouth, or to give any incorrect impressions about what he had to say about it. please read only what i write here, and nothing else - there are no lines to be read between. the basic response to the crack question was that personality really has very little to do with a person's ability to counsel others. it is much more about a person's giftings (YES I USED THAT WORD ON PURPOSE) - a person's God-given discernment, a person's ability to speak Truth in love, to be bold when necessary and a willingness to battle on behalf of another...
he also asked me why that particular school, and he mentioned a very specific counseling approach that i embrace but didn't have a name for - the gist is very prayer-focused, discernment-driven and Biblically-based counseling. he mentioned that there are several schools in the area (meaning less than 2000 miles away) that offer training with that particular focus - it has some big churchy name, but it escapes me at the moment... i don't think i can clearly tell you how my heart reacted to that news - i was thrilled that there are schools close to home to consider, while at the same time trying not to let my flesh react - i didn't want to jump all over that bit of news and drop all thoughts of seattle to satisfy my desire to be here, with my family, my community and my church.
i told my mom about his thoughts on the matter. she was thrilled, or so i found out tonight... she decided to come to the ring tonight, and my mom - the non-demonstrative, demure woman that she is - walked straight up to my pastor and hugged his neck! come to think of it, i can't remember the last time she hugged me... the look on his face over her shoulder must have mirrored my own look of surprise and disbelief. in shock, i asked her why she felt the need to hug his neck - she said that when i told her that he mentioned that there are other schools closer to home, she made a promise that the next time she saw him, she was going to hug his neck - and hug she did. i had no idea she felt that way about me leaving. wow.
later the same evening, i was talking with a friend, trying to put into words what the Lord is showing me through all this. we discussed the sermon tonight - part of it centered on different approaches to "surrender" - most people look at it as letting go of something in our effort to be "good" or "worthy" or whatever. tonight, we looked at it more in line with what God's Word has to say about it. we are not our own, we were bought for a price, and when He bought us back, He paid for our lives as well as our problems... so to realize that when we talk about surrender, we are actually surrendering something to Him that is already His. we can step aside and let God be God, admitting that our efforts to disentangle our lives are futile - that He is the One that is responsible for rendering sin (and the enemy) powerless in our lives - all we have to do is get out of His way, and to be ready to trust Him with whatever direction He chooses to give us...
as josh stated, that should change the way we think about what Jesus actually accomplished on the Cross - and out of that realization, our surrender should then be motivated by deep gratitude, never obligation.
we also talked about the fact that He has given me freedom to respond to Him out of my love for Him, not out of obligation or legalism or fear... one of the cool perks of this blog is that i have a record of what He is doing in my life that i can read over (and over and over) and begin to connect some of the dots. what i am beginning to understand is that He points me in one direction to get my thoughts going that way, and then He seemingly changes the plan on me...
just look at what's happened since i was laid off. He pointed me to grad school, only to shut the door at lsu. He gave me a job in the lab, not as a source of long-term provision, but primarily so that i would receive one phone call that set off a series of events that lead to deep healing, and developed the desire in me to walk with others out of the darkness. He pointed me to the captivating retreat, to develop an intimacy with Him that i have never known, and pointed me to a person who asked me a question that i didn't know needed asking - was i looking for a school in Biblical counseling, or a school that focused on modern psychology with a Christian twist? more recently, He has set up a series of conversations that dispel fear, reveal possible motivations of obligation and strict obedience and has, in effect, shown me that He has given me the freedom to respond and react out of my love for Him. isn't that what our lives are supposed to look like, anyway?
life with the Lord is full of twists and turns, as you well know. i'm learning that what He shows me is fluid - it's constantly in motion, but it becomes clearer when i take it one step at a time... that it's not His plan that's changing - it's my understanding that changes, as i gain depth of intimacy, as i seek Him, as i learn to trust His heart toward me...
so what does this all mean? He wants to honor my desire to counsel others - just possessing that knowledge is truly amazing. where and when does He want that to happen? who knows? seattle? here? philly? (which wouldn't surprise me a bit - random people from here seem to end up in philly...) all that really matters is that i keep my heart open to Him, listen for His voice, stay alert and open, but not jump the gun... all i have to do is be ready and willing to do whatever He asks, understanding that i will know what He wants when He chooses to reveal it to me - when i know, i'll know. in the meantime, i think it's kinda fun to watch Him cause the sand to settle to the bottom after being kicked up and disturbed for so long... He has a way of soothing me that is unlike anything i've experienced before.
i finally went to talk to my pastor late last week about this whole counseling thing - my exact question was, "am i smoking crack?" i just can't seem to get away from the oddness of it all - me, a counselor? come on... that is surreal to me.
i need to be very careful how i tell this part of the story, so as not to put words in his mouth, or to give any incorrect impressions about what he had to say about it. please read only what i write here, and nothing else - there are no lines to be read between. the basic response to the crack question was that personality really has very little to do with a person's ability to counsel others. it is much more about a person's giftings (YES I USED THAT WORD ON PURPOSE) - a person's God-given discernment, a person's ability to speak Truth in love, to be bold when necessary and a willingness to battle on behalf of another...
he also asked me why that particular school, and he mentioned a very specific counseling approach that i embrace but didn't have a name for - the gist is very prayer-focused, discernment-driven and Biblically-based counseling. he mentioned that there are several schools in the area (meaning less than 2000 miles away) that offer training with that particular focus - it has some big churchy name, but it escapes me at the moment... i don't think i can clearly tell you how my heart reacted to that news - i was thrilled that there are schools close to home to consider, while at the same time trying not to let my flesh react - i didn't want to jump all over that bit of news and drop all thoughts of seattle to satisfy my desire to be here, with my family, my community and my church.
i told my mom about his thoughts on the matter. she was thrilled, or so i found out tonight... she decided to come to the ring tonight, and my mom - the non-demonstrative, demure woman that she is - walked straight up to my pastor and hugged his neck! come to think of it, i can't remember the last time she hugged me... the look on his face over her shoulder must have mirrored my own look of surprise and disbelief. in shock, i asked her why she felt the need to hug his neck - she said that when i told her that he mentioned that there are other schools closer to home, she made a promise that the next time she saw him, she was going to hug his neck - and hug she did. i had no idea she felt that way about me leaving. wow.
later the same evening, i was talking with a friend, trying to put into words what the Lord is showing me through all this. we discussed the sermon tonight - part of it centered on different approaches to "surrender" - most people look at it as letting go of something in our effort to be "good" or "worthy" or whatever. tonight, we looked at it more in line with what God's Word has to say about it. we are not our own, we were bought for a price, and when He bought us back, He paid for our lives as well as our problems... so to realize that when we talk about surrender, we are actually surrendering something to Him that is already His. we can step aside and let God be God, admitting that our efforts to disentangle our lives are futile - that He is the One that is responsible for rendering sin (and the enemy) powerless in our lives - all we have to do is get out of His way, and to be ready to trust Him with whatever direction He chooses to give us...
as josh stated, that should change the way we think about what Jesus actually accomplished on the Cross - and out of that realization, our surrender should then be motivated by deep gratitude, never obligation.
we also talked about the fact that He has given me freedom to respond to Him out of my love for Him, not out of obligation or legalism or fear... one of the cool perks of this blog is that i have a record of what He is doing in my life that i can read over (and over and over) and begin to connect some of the dots. what i am beginning to understand is that He points me in one direction to get my thoughts going that way, and then He seemingly changes the plan on me...
just look at what's happened since i was laid off. He pointed me to grad school, only to shut the door at lsu. He gave me a job in the lab, not as a source of long-term provision, but primarily so that i would receive one phone call that set off a series of events that lead to deep healing, and developed the desire in me to walk with others out of the darkness. He pointed me to the captivating retreat, to develop an intimacy with Him that i have never known, and pointed me to a person who asked me a question that i didn't know needed asking - was i looking for a school in Biblical counseling, or a school that focused on modern psychology with a Christian twist? more recently, He has set up a series of conversations that dispel fear, reveal possible motivations of obligation and strict obedience and has, in effect, shown me that He has given me the freedom to respond and react out of my love for Him. isn't that what our lives are supposed to look like, anyway?
life with the Lord is full of twists and turns, as you well know. i'm learning that what He shows me is fluid - it's constantly in motion, but it becomes clearer when i take it one step at a time... that it's not His plan that's changing - it's my understanding that changes, as i gain depth of intimacy, as i seek Him, as i learn to trust His heart toward me...
so what does this all mean? He wants to honor my desire to counsel others - just possessing that knowledge is truly amazing. where and when does He want that to happen? who knows? seattle? here? philly? (which wouldn't surprise me a bit - random people from here seem to end up in philly...) all that really matters is that i keep my heart open to Him, listen for His voice, stay alert and open, but not jump the gun... all i have to do is be ready and willing to do whatever He asks, understanding that i will know what He wants when He chooses to reveal it to me - when i know, i'll know. in the meantime, i think it's kinda fun to watch Him cause the sand to settle to the bottom after being kicked up and disturbed for so long... He has a way of soothing me that is unlike anything i've experienced before.
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